So I'm tired. I admit that my tiredness does not compare with other peoples (mothers with young or sick children, people with insomnia etc). But since I'm tired I kinda care less about those people and become much more self-absorbed...sorry but that's just my way.
Within all that my mind is buzzing with a few important life things and I was about to go to bed when I realised I wouldn't sleep well if I didn't get those thoughts out.
So I decided to dust off the old blog and use it to ramble and rant again (I know I haven't been blogging at much but not many people read it so who cares!)
Important life thing number 1:
I have a few jobs now. Part-time at a nursery, occasional shifts with a social work agency doing support work for families, and a few days voluntarily helping with kids work at church. Here's my brain's thoughts on it...
-Thank goodness I have a job
-But it's only part time so not alot of money
-I'll never move out at this rate
-But at least I'm doing something I enjoy
-I have no idea where it's going or what I'm meant to be doing
-But God does so it's ok
-Yeah but he's not sharing his plan with me
-Or maybe you're not listening
-It all feels so temporary and I hate limbo
-You need to remember the truths you learnt at New Wine this year about trusting God and handing over control
-Oh shut up rational holy part of my brain, the irrational emotional human part says!
Do you see where the problem comes in??
Second thing...is love...don't get excited there's no-one new in my life, there never is...
-I hate being single
-I just want to find that strong godly man who will make me feel safe and make me laugh and fit me perfectly
-a man shouldn't be everything
-God should be enough
-and he is
-but being single sucks
-especially when everyone else around you seems to be in a couple or meeting potential partners
-and suddenly you think that maybe I'm being too demanding and setting my expectations too high
-but God is all powerful and he loves me and I know he has the right man out there for me
-but I want him now!
-and I don't understand why, when I want a godly relationship, God doesn't somehow reward me by giving me that
-which sounds as stupid in my head as it does when you read it
etc etc etc...
I know it's silly to say, but sometimes I physically ache inside for love. It really feels like every else can find that person and I can't. All I want in life is to get married and have children. People say that being 22 is great because I can do anything I want to do, I'm free to travel or be picky about jobs or stay out late on work nights...but I can't actually do the things I want to do because I'm completely reliant on another person coming along and making it happen for me.
I know that in 5 years time I'll probably look back and think how silly this was because the right person will have come along and it'll be all good...but for right now, as I constantly feel like I'm waiting and crying out to God, I just feel quite lonely.
Anyway...I'm tired and my emotions are high and I tend to be more dramatic when I'm like this. So for those who read this- I am very happy with my life. I have great family and friends and enjoy my jobs. I will just always be someone who believes God can give her everything and sometimes I get frustrated when that has to happen on his timetable not mine!
Much love xxx
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