Doing something about it

So following my last blog where I realised that I wasn't actually very happy, I had a long chat with Mum and worked out that the problem really stemmed from placement and that fact that I wasn't happy there.

So I did something about it.

The original plan had been to try and see my placement lead as soon as possible and work out my options but Tuesday morning I got so upset thinking about going in and I was making myself unwell. I won't talk alot about why I wasn't enjoying placement for confidentiality reasons but it was a few different things- including my own lack of experience in statutory social services. I didn't go into placement on Tuesday, instead I went and saw my tutor who said I did need to see my placement lead but confirmed that perhaps I shouldnt be in this placement anymore.

Therefore I was signed off placement for the week until I could see my placement lead- after a few days waiting and wondering over the 'what ifs', I saw her on Friday. Following a difficult conversation it was agreed that I should have a new placement.

Realistically what this means is that she needs to find me a new placement, which she said wouldn't be in statutory social services again because she's not confident in my ability to cope there which I guess is understandable. I will have to start at 0 days again and she has no idea how quickly she can find a placement for me.
I've worked out that if I start my new placement by beginning of December then I can get all my days in by the deadline in May...if not, then I might have to delay my graduation until September.
This obviously wouldn't be ideal as I'd like to graduate with my friends but I think it's probably more important to be happy.

Right now I'm in some sort of limbo where it hasn't quite sunk in that I've been allowed to leave placement and I'm just waiting. I'm planning to use the time off (since now I have nothing but lectures 1 day a week) to work hard on my academic work and catch up with it all, plus get a good start on my dissertation hopefully.

I've been encouraged through this week by the number of my friends who have rallied round to support me- prayers, hugs, long conversations full of reassurance, meals, or simply providing a distraction to make me laugh. In particular on Tuesday night when I was really emotional about it all, I went to a CU exec meeting and ended up crying during prayers at the end and the support I got from the rest of the team was overwhelming. Another time was on wednesday both before and after CU with different friends making me laugh. And Friday after the decision had been made but I was feeling a little battered from the conversation with my placement lead and Dina came round for coffee with flowers and chocolates.
Despite saying that I hadn't seen enough of my friends, this week I've seen them alot and it turns out that they don't really care if placement sometimes takes me away, they will always be there when I need them and they believe in me.

I think that's a good update for now, I'm in limbo but definitely happier :)
Much love xxx

CU Weekend Away and back to earth with a crash...

This past weekend was the CU weekend away...I was co-organiser this year which meant alot of preparation work. Which is one of the reasons I haven't blogged in a month...very busy with placement, uni and CU stuff!

But after all the stress and planning and hard work, we got there...56 members of the CU altogether to learn more about God, get to know each other better and get some time away.

And I had the best time ever :D I got a chance to just stop and hang out with my friends, to worship God and build better relationships with people. I laughed ALOT, I cried a little but mostly I got to escape. I got to live in a world where I didn't have to think about placement or assignments or worry about admin jobs for the CU...I sat and talked with my friends, I had an impromtu pillow fight, I played stupid icebreaker games, I ate yummy food, I held a fake family group conference for a fake CU family with fake family issues all as part of an inside joke....I was happy :)

But now I'm home and I'm tired and I'm realising that I'm back to reality.
A reality where I'm not loving my placement, it's gotten better but I still don't really want to go in to work...
A reality where I have two presentations, 3 essays and a disseration to do...all of which I keep putting off because I can't be bothered to do the work...
A reality where I still have a million jobs to do for CU and exec meetings to attend...
A reality where all I do is stumble through the week, not having enough time to see my friends, wishing that my days at placement would go faster, knowing that deadlines are creeping up, desperately wanting it to be the weekend again...and then I get to the weekend and all I do is crash out, do not enough work and then suddenly it's monday again...

I'm not quite sure how to remedy this. How to rebalance my life in order to cope. How to make more time to see my friends and do things that will make my last year at uni more enjoyable. I guess I'm feeling a little lonely too. I miss having PJ around, I don't have the time or energy to see my friends enough socially (I only see them at CU), and I really need to get some work done!

The CU weekend away showed me that there's more to life than just mundanely stumbling through your week in the hope that May of next year will come quicker. That making time to just sit and drink hot chocolate with my friends actually makes me really happy. Now I just have to work out how to translate that back into reality.

Much love xxx

Freshers Week x2

This past week has been freshers week at my uni, which has meant busy times for me with CU events and things.
I absolutely LOVE it though, it was so much fun to hang out with my CU friends and even make new friendships with some people I didn't know quite as well. Plus we got so many freshers, God blessed our events with lots of people and good fun times :)

In addition to the normal events we ran (live music, challenge night, bbq, freshers fair stall)...I also ate fish & chips in christchurch meadow, got pushed off a blow-up sofa multiple times, made lots of cake, played baseball in south parks, spoke to the 2nd year social work students at uni and ended up taking a friend to A&E for a head injury....it was an interesting week!

It was just really nice to hang out with good friends, both old and new, and have a good time. Especially because my placement starts on monday and I know life is about to get very busy!

To end the week, today we took PJ to university :s it was really weird and I had very mixed emotions about it. I dislike halls...they do not hold good memories for me, so it was interesting to go into a new set of halls except this time in Southampton. PJ has a nice room and we briefly met 2 of his new flatmates. We're going back tomorrow to see Hannah's flat when she moves in and to take PJ to lunch, so I'm seeing him soon but I definitely had a little cry after saying goodbye to him.
I know he'll have a good time, he's a smart and sociable boy and will make friends quickly.

It also made me really glad that I've got at least another year at home before I have to think about moving out! One of us being away at a time is more than enough!

I think that's all for now, I'm a little anxious about starting placement on monday but am hoping it'll be ok and trying to be excited rather than nervous :)
Much love xxx

Promises

I'm being reminded recently to trust in the promises that God has given me. I've been prompted by bible study emails, talks at church, off-hand conversations with friends...it's one of those situations where God knows exactly how I'm feeling so he sends a million obvious messages to make me listen to him.

Sometimes the stress of life, and the 'what ifs' of the future can get too loud and drown out God's voice and actually I need to trust that he has a plan for me.

Some promises which he has already made to me are things I'll have to wait for (a husband and a family) and remember that I'm still young and that God will make it happen in the right timings.
Other promises are things that I believe he has said to me but that I don't know when or how that might happen. These are harder because there are so many possibilities for how it might come about and I don't know whether I'm going off of what I want or going from what God wants.

Ultimately God loves me and I need to keep trusting in his plan for my life. I also welcome his continued nudges and prompts because it's easy to let the world distract my focus and any help in keeping my eyes on him is good.

'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord 'plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future' Jeremiah 29:11

Much love xxx

Growing up in age but not in mentality...

In 2 days I turn 21 years of age...however my birthday celebrations have been going since Wednesday :D it's a special birthday so it has to be celebrated properly! And by properly I mean by doing all the child-like things I can which also happen to be all the things I love!

Wednesday to Friday I have not been at home, I have been in the magical place of Disneyland Paris (told you it was child-like things...) I went with two of my loveliest friends from CU- Alice and Charli- and we stayed in the beautiful princess hotel and went on all the rides and got to meet the characters (got a high-five from tigger, hug from minnie mouse, a kiss from eeyore and pictures with them all), we even made it into Paris for the afternoon/evening on Thursday.
I had so much fun, I love Disney and the hotel was so comfortable and the rides were fun and I was with two of my best friends. It was amazing!

Then today I had a big family BBQ with almost all my favourite people- 37 of them to be precise :D family, friends...lots of lovely people bringing me lots of lovely presents and wanting to spend the afternoon celebrating with me. We had a BBQ for lunch, followed by many rounds of ninja (a very fun game) which were split up by amazingly yummy cupcakes, ice-cream and champagne throughout the afternoon...this was followed by an impromtu water fight and afternoon tea (more cupcakes). Everyone had fun, good conversations, lots of laughter and I felt very loved and celebrated.

Tomorrow I will go to Godzone and church etc and Monday is my actual birthday where we're going out for lunch as a family (without Dad who is in Istanbul- although he has made a huge effort to make that up to me which I appreciate).

Ultimately I have had a brilliant birthday week so far and am sure it is set to continue :)
I'm liking turning 21...the next year has alot in store- final year of uni, placement, graduation, finding a job, maybe even moving out of home...

Some people don't like growing up but I quite enjoy it...especially when you do it the way I do!
Much love xxx

Holiday Club 2010

Holiday Club for this year is over...which makes me sad because I had a brilliant week and it always goes too quickly!

From the beginning of the week I knew it was going to be good- Mum fell off the stage in set-up day and bashed herself up, team members were ill, I was shattered...all of which meant I knew God was going to work: the enemy always doubles his efforts when a breakthrough is round the corner!

This year was space-themed as we took the kids on the Starship Discovery and told them about Peter who had many adventures with Jesus and how we can also have cool adventures with Jesus.

My week consisted of jumping around doing actions on stage, chatting to my small group about Jesus (11 kids out of our 3 groups became friends with Jesus), and doing lots of delagating to get jobs done.

A few people have been commenting on my ability to delagate...some joke that it means that I don't have to do any jobs myself, some would say I like to be in control, some say it is a special gift. I'd like to think of it as a gift :) I'm perfectly capable of doing most of the tasks that I delegate to others but if I did them all myself then it would take forever- or I could utilise the resources around me (usually a bunch of helpful teenage helpers) and get them to do one or two jobs each and get it all done quickly!

This year at holiday club I had some fantastic teenagers- helpful, willing to take the initiative, focussed, good at building relationships with the kids...and why wouldn't I want to utilise those skills?! Plus it did mean that I was able to get some one-to-one time with the kids and be able to do actions without having to worry about things.
I also had two wonderful leaders who were running the other 2 groups in my larger group which helped alot- we were very proud of our group The Planets and wrote chants for the kids to shout at the other groups- healthy competition!

So basically it was a brilliant week- full of great upfront sessions, dramas, quizzes, fantastic music, funny actions, amazing God-filled small group time...ending with a big family bbq where I got to meet the parents of my kids, some of whom told me how much their kids had enjoyed it which makes it all worthwhile.

I love Holiday Club- it is my favourite week of my entire year because I get to do everything I love, with a huge bunch of kids who I love, supported by a great team who I also love.
I do enjoy the social work thing, but eventually I'd love to do kids work full-time...that would make me the happiest girl in the world :)

Much love xxx

We're all different...

Recently I've been starting to think about PJ and Hannah going away to university...Hannah going away I can sort of deal with because a) she doesn't live with us and b) she's just been away for most of the last year so it's not such a big change (although I've kinda gotten used to having her around again).

But PJ...that's going to be a tough one. I never really left home so he's always been around and soon he won't be.
I'm also incredibly aware of my own emotions about moving away or more specifically my feelings surrounding halls.

I'm trying to balance knowing that they could have a much better experience than me or that they could possibly experience some of the same homesickness that I did. Either way I'm trying not to pre-empt what they might feel.
I also don't want them to feel like they have to feel a certain way about things or to be influenced by my experience.
I'm aware that PJ deals with things differently and even if he does get homesick he probably won't cry about it like I did.
However I know Hannah is more like me and does feel similar emotional rollercoasters so I want to make sure she's ok.
I want to visit but I know my time is going to be mentally busy, I want to visit enough that they know I'm around, but not so much that I either prompt them to feel more homesick or that I overcrowd them.

Conclusion: I need to stop overthinking things!

Being this sensitive about people's emotions makes me a good social worker but makes my mind a very complicated place sometimes.

I'm trying to trust that God is in control.

Hannah has been away from home for the last year pretty much, she has grown so much and I know she can do this. She will be in halls with other nursing students and in a 2 bed flat which is cosier I think. Yes she may have a cry or two but I know she won't be afraid to ask for help.

PJ is different to me. He is independant and makes friends easily and will do great things at university. He might get homesick but he deals with those emotions by throwing himself into work so I'm sure I won't hear about it. Although I hope he would know he could just give me a text asking for a chocolate brownie delivery and I would be there...and that I would try and resist my need to sort it out.

Either way I'm going to miss them both, especially having PJ around the house, but God will be with them and He knows how to look after them way better than I do.

Much love xxx