weird

isnt it weird how tiredness can overtake your whole body and get to a point where it feels like you're outside of your own mind and watching yourself go about life. and how despite being so tired from last night's space sleepover, i am still up at 10.45 because my neck is stiff from sleeping funny last night and i'm waiting for painkillers to kick in.

anyway, the space sleepover last night was amazing.
i had a good cry to anna about some stuff...i think i'd got to a point where every time i got excited about my gap year, something small would make me question it. and as much as i trust that its where god wants me, i wish it wasnt so hard. i mean i know it has to be testing coz otherwise i wouldnt learn anything from it, but why is it this difficult and i havent even started.
as i was crying i had kinda a realisation that in the midst of questioning god, i wasnt trusting him with my questions. that might not make sense, but i think that even when you are having trouble with god you should still be really honest with him. so i was. i cried and talked to god and i felt his arms go around me and just let me know he was there. i still am finding it hard to trust him with next year, but at least this way i'm talking to him while i work through it!

another part of the evening that got me thinking was when we talked about jesus' crucifixion (cant spell it). i find it so easy to gloss over what jesus did for us, even though we get reminded every year. i forget that he was beaten and humiliated before he even had to go on the cross. he was tired, in pain and broken and yet he still made the ultimate sacrifice for me.
obviously he made it for everyone, but its knowing that even if it was just me he would still have done it.

on a brighter note, i'm like a little child about the fact that we get easter eggs tomorrow. having thought deeply about the true meaning of easter i think i'm allowed to be excited over chocolate!!
and also today anna, beth and hannah came over and we planned out our holiday, we're going to book it in the next week hopefully...tis very exciting.

i'm also going to do some more dissertation work tomorrow, which i hate but have to do. the holidays are like half over and it feels like no time at all! soon exams will be here which is starting to scare me.
as much as i'm looking forward to going to america afterwards, i have a long way to go before i can feel free.

anyway i'm going to go to bed now, after writing another one of my poorly-constructed, completely-nonsense-filled, highly-amusing blogs :)
much love xxxxx