echoes

On our course we've been talking about things that we might encounter out on placements or once working in the field that remind us of things we've been through and bring up bad memories...they're called echoes.
Tonight I sort of had one.

Not out in the field or anything to do with social work at all. I was looking forward to tonight, we've never really done halloween so instead of getting dressed up I was planning a night in. The parents are away so PJ and I got takeaway, he was going to play his game and I rented the 6th series of Sex and the City because I own 4 and 5 and wanted to finish the story!

But whilst I was sat watching the DVD I was struck by this memory...last time I was watching a box set SATC I was stuck in halls and feeling really crap and using it as a way to try and distract myself but it never really worked. And suddenly all these feelings rushed back and I got that horrible feeling in my stomach, the panicky one, the one I felt all the time whilst in halls. I even knew what was happening but I couldn't stop it. PJ did his best and gave me a hug and I've been texting Kate about it most of the night but it only helped a little bit...

I know I'm ok and that my life is good, I have great friends, I love my course and I'm home. I'm happy. But that panic set in and it wasn't rational. I had this real fear, and it wasn't so much about having to go back there because I know that I'm home and I don't have to go back to halls and that I've actually been back and was alright. It's the fear that I might somehow slip back to that place I was in emotionally...I didn't really talk about it at the time but I was really down, I really felt like there was no way out of halls and that I'd be a failure if I came home and basically any option was negative. I've never been so down in my life. And this 'echo' brought back all those emotions and it really scared me. I'm crying as I write this because I just don't know what else to do with the emotion that's built up inside of me.

I know that tomorrow I'll be fine, that once I fall asleep I'll be lost in a dream world, that I'm happy and I love my course and have lots of friends, I do know that. But right now the feeling in my stomach is still there and I don't like it one bit.

Alright, I'm going to bed, I'm tired which probably makes all this worse. Hopefully when I next blog I'll be absolutely fine! This does tell me that those triggers and memories are still there and I need to find a way to deal with them somehow.
But not right now.

Much love xxx