chasing thoughts

I’m tired and not thinking that straight and have taken a sleeping tablet that will start to work in like 5 minutes but right now my thoughts are chasing round my head and usually the only way to stop them is to write them down so that’s what I’m doing.

My dilemma is that I’ve signed up for BASC which is the annual student conference that St Ebbes do, its for 5 days in January and is at the same place the CU weekend was at.

I was dithering about going because there’s other stuff going on that weekend that I had been thinking about doing but Claire and Teresa and both going and so I said I would too.

But the more I thought about it the more that ever-present knot in my stomach came about. I couldn’t work out why. All I knew was that my head was saying it would be good for me to go, especially coz I want to join an Ebbes focus group and this would be a chance to get to know people…but my heart and my gut were screaming that I didn’t want to go.

Last night I finally figured out why: what if I go and I don’t have a good time and then I can’t get out…just like when I was in halls.

That fear is still there. I’m so scared of being in that place again emotionally. I don’t know if my blogs conveyed it at the time but I was so low when I was in halls. I literally couldn’t see a way out. I have never felt so down in my life.

After a couple of conversations with Mum I’ve basically realised that this is why I’m worried about BASC. I was talking to Teresa too and I think she’s torn between understanding how I feel and wanting me to go.

Basically I need to find a way to feel in control and not scared. Whether this be by going and driving myself so I can leave at any time, only going for a few days, not going at all.

(as an aside, I’ve arranged to meet with a woman in our church to have some prayer ministry about the whole fear thing)

I’m feeling out the first option at the moment, seeing if I feel safe enough with driving there so that I can leave at any time. Unfortunately my thoughts tend to race along a ‘what if’ basis and it goes something like this:
what if I go but get lonely and don’t like it? then I’ll want to leave. but then Teresa, Claire and people will try and persuade me to stay because they’re my friends and want me to be there. what if I then feel like I should stay? what if I try to stick it out because I feel like I should and it then gets worse. what if I end up an emotional wreck again? what if I end up in that place of fear again? what if Claire and Teresa think that maybe they don’t want to live with me if this is what I’m going to be like? what if this is what I’m like when I move in with them? what if it doesn’t work? what if I end up being the girl who can’t move away from home? what if….

and so on, and so on… now some of these are stupid. I will at some point leave home. I’m not going to put the barrier in the way where I can’t go home and will just go whenever I wanted, Oxford isn’t far. It’ll probably still be a bit tough but hopefully I’ll manage.

some of the above are slightly more possible. Claire and Teresa might decide they don’t want to live with me. I might not enjoy the weekend but feel like I should stay.

my head knows that I won’t end up in that place again. I’m trying to trust God that he won’t let that happen. but that doesn’t stop the fear from taking hold…it doesn’t stop the devil from using it as a foothold against me. I’m praying hard that this doesn’t happen.

at the moment I’m not sure that the first option feels safe enough for me. and I’m definitely sure that I shouldn’t be pushing myself.

so should I be looking at the other options? should I decide to only go for a couple of days? that way I limit the time-frame in which I could get scared, it’d be more manageable… plus I don’t push myself to take on too much.

or should I not go and instead look at ways to build up being away from home? visiting friends who live further away maybe? is this too big a step when I’m still trying to handle this fear?

there’s the added complication that the last time I went to this weekend away venue I really hurt my knee so I have mixed emotions attached to that place anyway.

I just don’t know what the right answer is and I don’t want to disappoint anyone with the choice I make.

Who said growing up was easy?

 

I think I might have run out of thoughts. Writing all that down didn’t solve the issue. But hopefully it’ll help me sleep tonight.

Much love xxx