I read in a book yesterday that it's hard to retain images that are shocking. Well just over a week ago I had the most dramatic night of my life so far and trust me, I'm struggling to lose the images from my head.
It's 12.03 as I begin to write this which means its not really Christmas Day anymore and I don't feel so morbid for writing this. What prompted me was the Downton Abbey episode from yesterday where a main character dies in a car crash...something that would normally move me to tears instantly, and yet I feel numb. Shocked and appalled at the episode yes, but emotionally I feel numb.
Because I don't want to face the emotions I now associate with every car crash I seen tv or in the news.
Because to go back to that night scares me. But I need to...so here we go...
Last Monday, the 17th of December 2012, I was at work as normal. I was meant to finish at 1.30pm but I stayed on to cover a friend. I remember texting Mum as I left work about a recipe, I was having friends over for dinner. I got in my car and drove down the road I drive almost every day. I know it so well that I didn't concentrate fully on what I was doing. About 30 seconds into my journey I reached to turn the volume down on my stereo, I took my eyes of the road for a few seconds and I clipped the curb.
The next bit comes in flashes...trying to straighten back onto the road, feeling the car lock, realising I couldn't stop it, reaching across and grabbing my phone, going off the road..
...the car flipped and I put my hands over my head and closed my eyes. All I could think was 'please don't let this happen, this can't be happening, I'm going to die'
And then it stopped. Everything went still and all I could do was breathe.
I don't know how long before my brain caught up but it did and I grabbed my phone. iPhone's are amazing but there's about 10 different ways to make an emergency call and in my panic I couldn't figure out which way was quickest! I dialled 999 and I beeped my horn. I could hear cars going past and had no idea if they could see me. I couldn't get out, I didn't know if anyone would find me...I was terrified.
I asked for the ambulance service and told the lady on the phone that I had crashed my car and was trapped upside down.
Pretty soon a lady arrived, her name was Jane (my first guardian angel of the night) and she had heard me beep my horn. She took the phone, held my hand and I finally felt safe again. Jane stayed with me until help arrived and phoned my mum and my boss who was just up the road. I could speak and breathe but other than that I had no idea if I was hurt. My body went into shock and I didn't move anything other than my arms...which I found had blood on my hands, slightly frightening.
My second guardian angel arrived quickly; Ged, an off-duty police officer who 'happened' to be driving past. He smashed the passenger window and got in the car with me. He didn't leave me until they got me out, gaining a few cuts and bruises of his own. He radioed for help and kept me talking.
The next hour was a blur of my boss arriving and then having to leave me...firemen trying to get me out...paramedics checking on me...Ged got my sense of humour quite quickly and kept me going. He kept telling me I was being very brave but I didn't feel it.
Being upside down for that long isn't good for you, the blood all rushes to your head and the way my seat belt was holding me in meant my breathing was compromised. I started to lose consciousness. This was the second point at which I wondered if I was going to be ok.
The movement around me got quicker and they chopped more of my car open to get me out.
Onto a spinal board and in a neck brace, oxygen and blankets and out of the car. I started to wake up again. I managed to open my eyes, see my parents and talk.
I was cold, battered and bruised but I was ok.
I was so ok that the ambulance needed to transport me to hospital took another 45 minutes to arrive! During that time I managed to talk to my parents, ask them to rearrange my plans for the night, give my statement to the police, take a breathalyser test, say thank you to the nice firemen, joke with my mum about gorgeous men in uniform, and drop my temperature to 35.4C!
The ambulance ride made me feel sick, but a very handsome and lovely paramedic made it better! Into hospital, clothes cut off by a cute scottish male nurse, checks on my spine, X-rays and scans. Pj and Hannah arrived and I managed to text some people....I got caught up on what had been happening outside of the car (lots of phone calls, texts and prayers from my amazing friends and family!). And then I was cleared to leave.
5 hours after I crashed and I walked out of hospital. In pain and in shock but alive.
The next few days consisted of lots of visitors and 'you're alive!' presents. I told the story repeatedly, I joked about flirting with men in uniform, I got very good at saying 'I'm battered and bruised but alive- Praise God!'
I meant every word. But underneath that initial euphoria at being alive, the tentative attempts at driving again, the car shopping, the grateful call to Ged the policeman, the hugs and smiles to my loved ones...underneath that, I am emotionally battered, and emotionally bruised.
I am tired and I am scared. I get in a car and I feel sick. I drive at night and all I can see is the crash. I try and do normal things and I have to stop and rest because my body is still recovering.
I am a control freak, for deeper reasons than I will ever share in this blog, and God has done amazing work to help me let go and trust. But that is being tested. Because I now have more memories where I am completely out of control and felt scared and alone.
I know God will get me through it and find ways to bless me through it. But for right now I am crying because all I can see is my car going off the road, the window smashing, and darkness.
I am alive and my physical injuries could have been so much worse, I barely had a scratch on me. But the emotional wounds run deep and will take a little more time to heal.
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