I've been mulling this post over for a while, somewhat hesitant to write it out of fear of backlash or being misunderstood...I'm aware that people are very passionate about this subject but I hope you will see that it's just my view, and as Thumper would say "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" (poor grammar but you get my point!)
Earlier this week I asked one of my male friends to carry a heavy box of books to the car for me. I'm perfectly capable of carrying the box, I'm actually pretty strong, but there are a few reasons I asked him to carry it instead- firstly I have a history of back problems and carrying a heavy box isn't helpful, secondly I'd had a long day and was tired, and thirdly (and probably the biggest reason)...I frankly quite enjoy it when men do things for me!
As I asked my friend to do this, someone joked "oh it's ok, we're not feminists!" And I replied "actually I am a feminist...feminism is about choice and I choose to have a man carry the box for me!"
It was said to make people laugh, I'm not actually sure I'd naturally identify myself as a feminist but it got me thinking again about this subject.
I was taught at university that feminism is about women having equal opportunities and the chance to be treated with equal value to men. It's NOT about hating men, or refusing to let men do anything for you. It's about not being forced to conform to behaviour or roles JUST BECAUSE we are women.
This means that my friends who want to open doors for themselves and carry boxes for themselves have every right to do that. They are strong, independent women who are equal to men and choose how they behave. They are smart and have decided that this is how they want to be treated.
BUT- I am also a strong, independent woman...and I also have the right to choose how I want to be treated...and that means that it's ok for me to like it when a guy opens a door for me!
It's ok that I ask my male friend to carry a box for me. It's ok that I would want a guy to offer to walk me home if it's dark. It's ok that I would expect my brother to defend my honour if any man ever treated me badly. It's ok that I get pleasure out of a guy buying me a drink, or paying for my dinner on a date (which clearly are things that I go on, all the time...haha!)
I don't know why I enjoy these little things but I do. I don't know why a man doing them for me makes a difference to my reaction but it does. It makes me smile and feel warm & fuzzy inside :) and that's got to be an ok thing for me to want and enjoy, right?
Enjoying these things does not make me anti-feminist or anti-women's rights.
I was once told that by wanting these things I was "setting feminism back decades"...seriously?!? Women fought for me to have the choice about how I am treated, and I choose to be looked after by the men around me...also I highly doubt that I am significant enough that my choices would affect a movement that big!
Let me be clear- the way I personally view feminism is that it's my choice and by telling me that I need to behave a certain way and I can't want men to be chivalrous, you are actually being just as judgmental and oppressive as the systems were back in the olden days (yes, that's the time reference I'm using...history is not my strong point!). So please don't make me feel bad for wanting these things.
I have realised that one problem with this whole 'both ways are ok' thing is that it does somewhat complicate things for men.
This idea that some women like to open doors for themselves and some like to have it done for them only adds to the already heavy minefield that men face when interacting with women...unfortunately gentlemen, we are a complicated gender and you'll probably get it wrong on more than one occasion. But I promise that we are worth it!
So yeah...I think those are all my thoughts on it...I hope I made sense and didn't offend anyone.
As a side note, I wanted to say that I am incredibly blessed by the men around me who do look out for me and open doors for me, buy me drinks, walk me home, and defend my honour...they are great men who I know wouldn't respect me any more or less if I decided to do those things by myself instead (which often I do). I just know that they love and care for me...which also makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside :)
And I'll leave you with one of the highlights of my day courtesy of one of my new classmates, an American no less ;) I was walking with this male classmate today and offered to share my umbrella with him but he is much taller than I am, so he took it out my hand and held it above us. Then he offered me his arm so that we could walk together under the umbrella without getting wet. He didn't think twice about it, there was no underlying motive, it was just how he'd been taught to treat a lady. I didn't say anything because it just wasn't a big deal...but it did make me smile :)
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