still no better

I ended up seeing Anna and Hannah yesterday, they came to see the flat, it was great...we went to see a movie, it was great...we got to dinner, I broke down crying.

I'm really struggling at uni at the moment. I'm fine during the day when I'm at my course and I have friends on my course, but when I'm at my flat I feel very alone...and that feels horrible.

Anna ended up staying last night which was good...meant I didn't cry myself to sleep...but this morning she's had to go home and I'm alone in my room again and I hate it.

It's not so much the being away from home, it's being in a place where I don't feel comfortable around all my flat-mates, although they're lovely people. I do stuff during the day and for the most part I'm fine, it's when I get back to the flat and am on my own in a strange place. If I was living with friends I think it would be different, but I'm not. My flatmates go out most nights into town and I don't want to do that. So I'm home alone...there's no inbetween option. And even if there was, I'm not sure how much it would help the fact that I'm living with people who are quite different to me.

Anyway when we went to pick Anna's stuff up, I didn't go home, Mum came to me and we talked about it all and realised there's alot of options of what to do to make it better. And that's the worst part when I feel alone, I feel like I have to continue to feel like this and hope it gets better. But I don't.

To start with I can come home on weekends if that helps, I can see Mum during the week, Anna has said she could stay over another night later this week before she goes back to uni in october. The other end of this scale is that I move home and commute in. We're not going to make any decisions like that just yet, but I felt like that wasn't an ok option, like I'd be letting down my parents if I did that. Mum reassures me that I wouldn't let them down and she would never force me to stay here feeling miserable. So it's good to know I have that option and I was thinking about it, I'd still go to St. Aldates I think and the CU and stuff, I don't think I would come back to Christchurch or anything. And then hopefully 2nd year when I've made some good friends in CU or on my course, I can move in with people who are similar to me and who I feel comfortable living with.

But that's a long way off yet, we're going to try coming home at a weekend and things like that first. Things like, I'm having lunch with Mum and PJ today...and tonight Hannah's joining me to go to St Aldates.

Be praying for me...not that I would stick it out and be fine...because I know alot of you are thinking that's what I should do...instead please pray that I make the right decision for me and the right decision by God. I think part of him placing me near home is because it gives me these options, if I was in Bristol it would be all or nothing because I'd have to stay there in order to continue my course, whereas here I have no chance of losing my place on the course and can continue doing that whatever my living arrangements are.

Much love xxx

day whatever of university

I've lost track of what day it is!
I'm also about to go to bed so this shouldn't be a long post.

tonight I'm feeling a bit weepy. I talked to Mum, Dad and PJ earlier via webcam which was very nice but I don't think that's what's making me weepy...I think its just tiredness :( so I'm trying to get an earlier night (11.10pm is earlier, just to give you an idea of my bedtimes this week!) and hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better. I had a small cry earlier but it wasn't really crying coz I'm not sure what emotions I was letting out...if that makes any sense.

mostly I think I just have that feeling in the pit of my stomach when something isn't quite sitting right. It didn't go away by kinda crying, so I'm hoping it doesn't stop me sleeping and then it'll be gone in the morning.

another long day at uni today and another long day tomorrow. but then got the CU bbq in the evening so that should be good :)

hope you're all well, I'm off to sleep!
much love xxx

just a quick note

this is just a short blog because I had a good night and I'm going to enjoy the rest of it and not get homesick.

even reading Mum's blog didn't make me feel too sad...I was prepared for the soppiness though.

what did just make me feel homesick was talking to PJ...I miss him...I started a game on facebook with my parents and PJ never plays it but for the last few weeks he's come upstairs and looked over my shoulder to do it with me....he isn't here.

just had a quick cry but I'm getting better at riding out the wave.

especially since I had a particularly good night tonight at CU, made some good friends and had a great time :)

infact I'm no longer crying, just taken a deep breath and put on some music ('zero to hero' from disney's hercules...just incase you're interested!) and am fine now.

I also saw Mum for lunch today which was nice, cheered me to see her and I think Anna's coming to visit sometime soon so I'm looking forward to that.

Plus I got my first notes for one of my lectures today and starting to read it and organize my folders made me excited for the next couple of weeks...and thinking in a slightly longer term way wasn't too bad this time either.

ok, so this blog is longer than I meant to write...it's all PJ's fault!
am off to eat the rest of my late night dinner and watch a dvd before sleeping in my actually quite comfy bed :)
much love xxx

fourth day of university

not much to write for now, been to freshers fair today and going to CU meeting tonight.

this will actually be on the internet :) as will the 3 posts before it which I only just managed to post online!

read and comment
much love xxx

third day of university (tuesday)

I doubt that once my lectures start I will continue to blog daily but for now its the space I need to let out my feelings.

today hasn't been so bad. at the moment I have a headache and am very tired but I plan to fix that by taking more medicine soon and then getting an early night.

I didn't end up enrolling today, instead I registered at the school of health and social care and had a long day of stuff. most of it was useful information but it could have been squeezed into less time, particularly since we've got thursday and friday full of stuff at the school too.
Dina and I ended up hanging out for most of the day, along with Adam (not flatmate Adam, social work Adam) which was fun. Dina and I have realised that we're basically chalk and cheese. She's rebelled against her traditional muslim upbringing and turned into a partying, smoking, very laid back girl. I am the opposite, a strong christian with a strong faith who doesn't like to club, definitely doesn't smoke and likes to be in control of when things happen.
but it works. she respects my faith and has even asked questions, she understands that clubbing isn't my scene so is meeting me half way and we'll just go to pubs when its the two of us. we have the same stupid sense of humour and because we know we're different and don't try to change each other it works. I think she might be the first proper friend I've made at uni. who knows whether it'll last but for now it means that I'm not at all nervous about who to sit by in my lectures.

Adam is a quiet, laid back, lovely guy. likes to party too but also has had a steady girlfriend for 4 years and seems to be pretty content to just cruise through life as he is.
the three of us have decided to stick together for now. and I like being part of a group like that. I miss being part of a group like that. I have no idea whether they'll be my closest friends forever but for now they make me feel alot less lonely so that works for me.

so tomorrow once I finally do enrol I can get internet, which I really miss. stupid I know...'what did we do before internet?' but its one of the easiest ways to get information and also to talk to friends. Steph got her internet today so I quickly checked my email and facebook and had missed comments and messages but didnt have time to reply to them so will hopefully do it soon.

I'm also having lunch with Mum tomorrow. we talked about whether to have lunch at mine or at her work and I realised that no-one else had had their parents over yet and I didnt want to be the first but I still really wanted to see Mum but she didnt want me to feel like I had to see her and didn't want me to feel like I couldn't tell her that...anyway after a couple of phone calls we worked out that we'll get lunch and go to her office. It's weird, working out the way of doing things like that. gave me a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one I get when I'm stressed and can't work out what the real problem is. I think Mum put her finger on it though...this isn't home. Inviting my friends over to check out my new room is one thing but hanging out with people or with my family, it isn't the same because this isn't a home where I feel entirely comfortable yet. It's just a room surrounded by a bunch of others rooms with other people that I don't really know yet.

but like Mum said...it's only been a few days.

it feels like a few months since I left home.

still getting the homesick waves.

just getting better at dealing with them.

all this will be on the internet tomorrow and I'll try to keep writing as regularly as possible. but since tomorrow night is the first CU meeting, I'm hoping to find some real friends, people who get me in a different way...maybe then I'll begin to feel more comfortable.

much love xxx

second night of university (monday)

so I actually slept really well last night, once I'd cried and called Anna so she could calm me, I was fine once I rode the homesickness wave out.

today was pretty good too. Steph and I ended up going into oxford, having a moo-moo's, buying a toaster and just relaxing. it was fun :)

tonight was the booze crawl. which started really early at 5.30pm. it wasn't very good to be honest. the bars and pubs we stopped at were good but most of the reps (not all of them) were 2nd year guys just looking for freshers to sleep with. and we ended up walking from cowley to the city centre which is a good 2 miles I think...and I hate walking. right now I can't really feel my feet!
we ended up at Bar Risa at 10ish which was nice but by that point I'd drank more than I normally do, been ignored by guys trying to hit on my more attractive friends (not all the guys were this shallow, we met a couple of nicer guys) and was ready to leave. I stayed for the foam party bit but by 11pm I was calling for a taxi. I could have walked through Oxford to get my bus but I'm not stupid. Dina, the girl from my course who's also in my halls, wanted to stay but didn't want me to go on my own so paid for my taxi.

I had a couple of really fun moment tonight but mostly I just realised how much that is not my scene. and I don't know why I felt like I had to try and fit in with that scene. I know uni life is supposed to be all drinking and clubs but to be honest, I really can't wait to go to the christian union on wednesday night, find some proper friends and start being me again.

I can feel a wave of homesickness coming on again, due to combination of tiredness, alcohol and thinking about it too much.

going to go watch a dvd. much love xxx

first day of university (sunday)

its the end of my first day at university. now I don't have internet until tuesday so this will be a delayed post but I needed somewhere to let my feelings out about it all.

it went well. I moved all my stuff in yesterday but stayed at home last night before bringing the last few things over and moving in properly. my flatmates are all lovely.
Annie- I'd already met her on facebook and we get on great, same taste in films and I really like her :)
Steph- the rest of our flatmates ended up at the icebreaker disco before Steph and I tonight and it was packed with a line outside so the two of us ended up taking the bus to Harcourt Hill SU bar with Luce coz it was pretty empty. I really enjoyed it coz it meant Steph and I got a chance to chat just the two of us. She's really nice and so funny :)
Meagan- no idea if I've spelt her name right but she's lovely too. from south africa and has such a bubbly personality.
Callum- the most random person ever! really funny and nice but switches topics so quickly and says the most random things.
Adam- really nice guy, smoker but we'll forgive him hehe, genuinely lovely guy.

none of them are horrible, they're all nice. I'm not sure I'll end up good friends with all of them but on first appearances I think they'll be nice people to live with.

wow. talking about living with people makes it kick in how long term this is. tonight I got hit by a bit of a homesick wave whilst I was out. I called home briefly earlier but I wasn't feeling too bad then. it comes in waves really. right now I'm feeling another one coming, the tears are welling a little bit. I'm excited to be here and have so much stuff to do this week but I miss home. I miss my family already and just having friends that I know around. it helps having Lucy nearby coz I can lean on her a bit.

I'm resisting the urge to call home. aside from the fact that its 12.50 and too late to be calling really, I know that I just need to ride the wave out and it'll be fine. I have so much going on this week and once I get into a routine with lectures and start making good friends I'll be fine. it's just really weird. I miss the normal sounds of my family around the house and I miss having PJ to tease and I miss it all really.

I am fine really. Not giving up or anything. Just allowing myself to feel these things.

Tomorrow Steph, Annie and I are going to head into Oxford to look around and buy a toaster! should be a good chance to get to know them better. I'm already comfortable knocking on Annie's door in search for company but not for a hug just yet. which is sort of what I need right now. I guess my cuddly toys will have to do!

right, I'm going to go before I make myself cry any more! for those who read this back and worry about me (that means you Mum) I really am fine, I promise. just having the first lull of university life and the feelings are sinking in.

I'm sure I'll write another blog tomorrow.
much love xxx