up early...

Alright so I'm up pretty early for me, 7am! The thing is that last week my tuesday morning bus was pretty full and because of the traffic in Oxford I was 5 minutes late to my lecture...this is something that is not allowed! So this morning I'm getting the slightly earlier bus at 7.45am...but I needed a shower this morning so am up earlier than that!

I would worry about how tired I'll get but it's one morning a week (monday's lectures don't start until 10am) and for wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday I can sleep in for as long as I want :D (sunday last week I helped with kids group at St Aldates because I wanted to check out what it was like).

Tonight, after lectures, I'm waiting around a little bit for Katie (a 2nd year friend from CU) and then going to her house for dinner which should be good fun.

Tomorrow I'm going to work hard because we got given quite alot of work yesterday so I imagine we'll get given quite alot today too! and then I'll go to CU in the evening :)

 

On the whole halls vs home thing, I stayed in halls on sunday night after church...I wasn't very happy about it but I could pretty much go straight to bed and didn't have to worry too much about filling time there. It's just still lonely there...my flatmates were all in on sunday night (they were hungover from saturday night!) but mostly they were doing their own thing in their rooms. Its good to know I am capable of staying in halls and its not a huge monster anymore- although I still get anxious just thinking about being there :( but at the moment, I'm happiest at home.

Another thought though is that Monday and Tuesday next week, the fair is on in Abingdon which might affect the buses so I'm looking at whether I stay in halls or whether I maybe stay with Lucy at her halls or something like that...I haven't really thought about it and I'm trying not to!

 

Anyway I need to go dry my hair so I can go to uni :) will try and write more soon....the summary is that I'm happier but still feeling unsettles about everything.

Much love xxx

i'm on the up and up

yesterday was a good day and today looks like it's going to be good too.

yesterday I got to sleep in, very important since I was exhausted, and then I did some homework in the afternoon and some reading in preparation for my lectures next week. then in the evening I went to CU which was fun :) both Rosie and Lucy couldn't make it so I was on my own but a couple of people recognized me from last week and so I had fun...arranged a couple of different social things over the next week which is great...its showing me that CU stuff can keep going even when I'm at home. Now I may still miss out on stuff so I'm still not making a decision but its good to know people are still up for meeting up with me etc.

I didn't think about it all too much yesterday but my one thought was: 'oh I think I could manage to stay over on monday night and then I'll be able to go home' which is very telling...it shows that I'm starting to feel capable of staying at halls but it still isn't the place I feel happiest.

We'll see what happens on monday night, I'll try and stay if I can but I don't know if I'll enjoy myself or be happy whilst doing it. in which case, is it the right place for me? on the other hand, I might get there and freak out again, but I hope not, I don't want it to become this big monster that I can't face.

I had a really good talk with people at CU last night and with a friend on msn and the general thought was that everyone reacts to university differently, some thrive and some freak, I should do what makes me happy and no-one is going to think I've failed if I move home.

Today Hannah Swift and I are going to visit Lucy over at Harcourt Hill, since she couldn't come to CU last night and wants to chat with me about stuff I thought I would tag along to Hannah's visit and it means I get to see Hannah too :)

Other than that I'm staying home and doing some work. got quite a bit of prep reading and homework to do this week. but I'm loving the course still so that's good!

much love xxx

I couldn't keep away

alright so I said in my earlier blog that I wasn't going to blog properly and that you could read my mum's blog but my stomach has a knot in and I'm thinking about things and mum said it helped her to write her thoughts down when that happened so I thought I would try it.

I'm trying to find the balance between addressing my feelings and letting them out, without stirring up things I don't need to think about.

I think I'm going to write the thoughts that are going round my head in no particular order. Know that I'm not making any decision yet and none of these thoughts mean more than the other. They are just thoughts:

- I wanted to listen to music earlier but realised most of my cd's and my PC speakers are at halls...my gut reaction was that I didn't want to go back there.
- Thinking about not wanting to miss anything or regret anything if I were to move home made me wonder what I thought I would be missing.
- That made me realise that I won't know if I'm missing stuff with CU people or anyone because it's too early to know what will be happening yet, will hopefully start to get a better picture on wednesday night at CU.
- which made me realise that I shouldn't make a decision yet.
- which I hate because I hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I'm stressing about things.
- all of my coursemates have said to move home if that'll make me happy, most of them are commuting in anyway and actually we're more likely to socialise at lunchtimes or after lectures on mondays/tuesdays.
- my personal tutor said to move home if I'm unhappy because my energy should be on my studies not on being miserable.
- I love my course and I'm happy at lectures and with my friends on my course.
- I'm fortunate that if I choose to move home I don't have to give up my course because that would be the worst thing in the world!
- I met 2 women on my course who also commute from abingdon so will be taking the same bus.
- I don't want being in halls to be this big monster that I can't face.
- Which means I should stay over in halls at some point.
- I'm scared that if I can survive a night in halls then that means the decision is made and I should stay in halls.
- Mum reassured me that just being able to stay in halls doesn't make it the right choice if I'm still not happy there.
- being capable of staying in halls, doesn't make it an enjoyable experience. It doesn't make it the right choice.
- not making a choice gives me a knot in my stomach for most of the day.
- I shouldn't make a choice yet because I might regret it.
- should I stay over in halls sunday night and then I can come home monday night?
- should I stay over monday night instead?
- or tuesday night?
- will I even be able to stay in halls?
- if I do, will I then be expected to stay in halls just because I can?
- well, no, because if I'm still not happy there then that's not the place for me.
- will there be a day when I don't feel like crying coz I'm worrying about this so much?
- why aren't I relying on God more?
- why is this all so hard?

The cycle continues, with all the different thoughts going round and round.

And I'm still very tired from everything at the weekend so all my feelings and stresses are magnified.

I don't have a clue what to do.

I hate not knowing what to do.

I hate feeling like this.

I like being at home though.

And I'm definitely happier today.

 

I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens over the next few weeks....who knows. My thoughts are moving rapidly and that's tough to cope with. I've had the same conversation with my parents a million times, just because at the moment, whilst I'm too tired to keep my perspective, I need someone to tell me its ok and that I'm ok and that I don't need to make a decision and that I shouldn't stress.

hope this blog wasn't too hard to follow.
much love xxx

home?

I'm home today, and was home sunday and monday night too.

my mum's blogged on it http://kalbrombley.blogspot.com/2008/09/home.html

and she says it very well so if you want to hear about it then read hers. I'm too tired to write about everything yet.

my brief thoughts are:
- if you plan to make a comment about how I should 'stick it out'...don't.
- I have brilliant parents who are supporting me in any of my decisions because they want me to be happy. So don't even think about telling them to push me to 'stick it out'...they're good parents who care about how I feel...don't make them feel otherwise.
- I now realise how happy I was over the summer and am appreciating it more...that sort of 'only miss it once it's gone' type feeling.
- I have no idea what I'm going to do and I'm trying not to think about it because that makes me nervous and gives me a horrible feeling in my stomach that I hate. I'm just taking it as it comes at the moment.
- finally...I had a fab day at uni today doing my course, I enjoyed my lecture despite thinking I would be terrified of my lecturer- even though I was late she was nice about it. I met people in my Fit for Practice group that take the bus from Abingdon too so am hopefully going to be seeing them on the bus.

That's all my thoughts for now.

much love xxx

still no better

I ended up seeing Anna and Hannah yesterday, they came to see the flat, it was great...we went to see a movie, it was great...we got to dinner, I broke down crying.

I'm really struggling at uni at the moment. I'm fine during the day when I'm at my course and I have friends on my course, but when I'm at my flat I feel very alone...and that feels horrible.

Anna ended up staying last night which was good...meant I didn't cry myself to sleep...but this morning she's had to go home and I'm alone in my room again and I hate it.

It's not so much the being away from home, it's being in a place where I don't feel comfortable around all my flat-mates, although they're lovely people. I do stuff during the day and for the most part I'm fine, it's when I get back to the flat and am on my own in a strange place. If I was living with friends I think it would be different, but I'm not. My flatmates go out most nights into town and I don't want to do that. So I'm home alone...there's no inbetween option. And even if there was, I'm not sure how much it would help the fact that I'm living with people who are quite different to me.

Anyway when we went to pick Anna's stuff up, I didn't go home, Mum came to me and we talked about it all and realised there's alot of options of what to do to make it better. And that's the worst part when I feel alone, I feel like I have to continue to feel like this and hope it gets better. But I don't.

To start with I can come home on weekends if that helps, I can see Mum during the week, Anna has said she could stay over another night later this week before she goes back to uni in october. The other end of this scale is that I move home and commute in. We're not going to make any decisions like that just yet, but I felt like that wasn't an ok option, like I'd be letting down my parents if I did that. Mum reassures me that I wouldn't let them down and she would never force me to stay here feeling miserable. So it's good to know I have that option and I was thinking about it, I'd still go to St. Aldates I think and the CU and stuff, I don't think I would come back to Christchurch or anything. And then hopefully 2nd year when I've made some good friends in CU or on my course, I can move in with people who are similar to me and who I feel comfortable living with.

But that's a long way off yet, we're going to try coming home at a weekend and things like that first. Things like, I'm having lunch with Mum and PJ today...and tonight Hannah's joining me to go to St Aldates.

Be praying for me...not that I would stick it out and be fine...because I know alot of you are thinking that's what I should do...instead please pray that I make the right decision for me and the right decision by God. I think part of him placing me near home is because it gives me these options, if I was in Bristol it would be all or nothing because I'd have to stay there in order to continue my course, whereas here I have no chance of losing my place on the course and can continue doing that whatever my living arrangements are.

Much love xxx

day whatever of university

I've lost track of what day it is!
I'm also about to go to bed so this shouldn't be a long post.

tonight I'm feeling a bit weepy. I talked to Mum, Dad and PJ earlier via webcam which was very nice but I don't think that's what's making me weepy...I think its just tiredness :( so I'm trying to get an earlier night (11.10pm is earlier, just to give you an idea of my bedtimes this week!) and hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better. I had a small cry earlier but it wasn't really crying coz I'm not sure what emotions I was letting out...if that makes any sense.

mostly I think I just have that feeling in the pit of my stomach when something isn't quite sitting right. It didn't go away by kinda crying, so I'm hoping it doesn't stop me sleeping and then it'll be gone in the morning.

another long day at uni today and another long day tomorrow. but then got the CU bbq in the evening so that should be good :)

hope you're all well, I'm off to sleep!
much love xxx

just a quick note

this is just a short blog because I had a good night and I'm going to enjoy the rest of it and not get homesick.

even reading Mum's blog didn't make me feel too sad...I was prepared for the soppiness though.

what did just make me feel homesick was talking to PJ...I miss him...I started a game on facebook with my parents and PJ never plays it but for the last few weeks he's come upstairs and looked over my shoulder to do it with me....he isn't here.

just had a quick cry but I'm getting better at riding out the wave.

especially since I had a particularly good night tonight at CU, made some good friends and had a great time :)

infact I'm no longer crying, just taken a deep breath and put on some music ('zero to hero' from disney's hercules...just incase you're interested!) and am fine now.

I also saw Mum for lunch today which was nice, cheered me to see her and I think Anna's coming to visit sometime soon so I'm looking forward to that.

Plus I got my first notes for one of my lectures today and starting to read it and organize my folders made me excited for the next couple of weeks...and thinking in a slightly longer term way wasn't too bad this time either.

ok, so this blog is longer than I meant to write...it's all PJ's fault!
am off to eat the rest of my late night dinner and watch a dvd before sleeping in my actually quite comfy bed :)
much love xxx