I couldn't keep away

alright so I said in my earlier blog that I wasn't going to blog properly and that you could read my mum's blog but my stomach has a knot in and I'm thinking about things and mum said it helped her to write her thoughts down when that happened so I thought I would try it.

I'm trying to find the balance between addressing my feelings and letting them out, without stirring up things I don't need to think about.

I think I'm going to write the thoughts that are going round my head in no particular order. Know that I'm not making any decision yet and none of these thoughts mean more than the other. They are just thoughts:

- I wanted to listen to music earlier but realised most of my cd's and my PC speakers are at halls...my gut reaction was that I didn't want to go back there.
- Thinking about not wanting to miss anything or regret anything if I were to move home made me wonder what I thought I would be missing.
- That made me realise that I won't know if I'm missing stuff with CU people or anyone because it's too early to know what will be happening yet, will hopefully start to get a better picture on wednesday night at CU.
- which made me realise that I shouldn't make a decision yet.
- which I hate because I hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I'm stressing about things.
- all of my coursemates have said to move home if that'll make me happy, most of them are commuting in anyway and actually we're more likely to socialise at lunchtimes or after lectures on mondays/tuesdays.
- my personal tutor said to move home if I'm unhappy because my energy should be on my studies not on being miserable.
- I love my course and I'm happy at lectures and with my friends on my course.
- I'm fortunate that if I choose to move home I don't have to give up my course because that would be the worst thing in the world!
- I met 2 women on my course who also commute from abingdon so will be taking the same bus.
- I don't want being in halls to be this big monster that I can't face.
- Which means I should stay over in halls at some point.
- I'm scared that if I can survive a night in halls then that means the decision is made and I should stay in halls.
- Mum reassured me that just being able to stay in halls doesn't make it the right choice if I'm still not happy there.
- being capable of staying in halls, doesn't make it an enjoyable experience. It doesn't make it the right choice.
- not making a choice gives me a knot in my stomach for most of the day.
- I shouldn't make a choice yet because I might regret it.
- should I stay over in halls sunday night and then I can come home monday night?
- should I stay over monday night instead?
- or tuesday night?
- will I even be able to stay in halls?
- if I do, will I then be expected to stay in halls just because I can?
- well, no, because if I'm still not happy there then that's not the place for me.
- will there be a day when I don't feel like crying coz I'm worrying about this so much?
- why aren't I relying on God more?
- why is this all so hard?

The cycle continues, with all the different thoughts going round and round.

And I'm still very tired from everything at the weekend so all my feelings and stresses are magnified.

I don't have a clue what to do.

I hate not knowing what to do.

I hate feeling like this.

I like being at home though.

And I'm definitely happier today.

 

I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens over the next few weeks....who knows. My thoughts are moving rapidly and that's tough to cope with. I've had the same conversation with my parents a million times, just because at the moment, whilst I'm too tired to keep my perspective, I need someone to tell me its ok and that I'm ok and that I don't need to make a decision and that I shouldn't stress.

hope this blog wasn't too hard to follow.
much love xxx