The Five Stages

My Grandpa has gone back into hospital, very low heart rate, unconscious..my Dad's gone over to be with my aunt. It looks like his death could be very soon.
It's less than two days until we leave for America and I'm struggling.
I was about to go to bed but I had all these thoughts going round my head and the five stages of grief came to mind...I looked them up in one of my uni books and I think I've almost gotten through Denial and am now on Anger and Bargining.

Denial- when we first got the news this evening I couldn't believe it, it felt so real all of a sudden...I knew there was the possibility this could time out like this but I didn't think it actually would and I'm not sure I let myself believe it.

Anger- just now I shifted to 'this isn't fair, this trip was supposed to be amazing and now I'm going to be carrying this around...it's not supposed to be like that' which is selfish I know, but I was hoping my Grandpa would hold on just a little longer.

Bargining- part of anger is that I'm praying and asking God to just hold on...except that I shouldn't ask that. Grandpa is ready to go and I don't want him suffering. God has a plan, I know he does. It's just hard when it hurts so much.

The next two stages are Depression and Acceptance.
Which is weird because I've accepted that my Grandpa is going to die soon. It's accepting that this is the situation now and learning to live through it. I wish I could be there already.

I know America will be good, and I wouldn't think about cancelling, and I'll have Auntie A to look after me which is as good as family. It's just that I hate to be away from my family right now...it's going to be so hard to leave on Friday, no matter whether Grandpa is dead or still hanging in there...and I don't want to feel this, I don't want to feel sad, I want to enjoy America, but I'm going to carry this...sometimes I wish I didn't feel things as much as I did, I wish I was a man and could compartmentalise...but I'm not, I wear my emotions on the outside and I can't stop my tears.

I'm going to try and go to bed...
Please pray- for my family, for my Grandpa, and for me.
Much love xxx