I'm not sure I can do this again...

So after the last awful dip, my Grandpa perked up again and they were looking at getting him out of hospital and into a nursing home...yesterday he got an infection and today they moved him to the hospice...which means days, if not hours...
And yet I'm not upset...it's like I won't allow myself to invest in this, I did it last time, I got so low and so upset and then he was alright again and the swoop back up was horrible...so this time it's like my heart won't allow me to put that emotion into it again.

I'm surprised I haven't cried yet, especially since I'm so tired from jetlag...instead I've closed down. Earlier this evening there was a moment where I was laughing over something stupid and the next moment I was snappy and annoyed for no reason at all...I'm not feeling the grief so my emotions are just going up and down.

The obvious solution to this would be to let myself feel the grief but it's like I can't...I start to think about it and let myself cry and something inside me shuts the door. Which just leaves me feeling frustrated and low. And I'm not sure what to do about it.
This has happened alot with this rollercoaster, I find myself feeling an emotion and wanting to feel different but not physically being able to pull myself out of it...it's like I'm watching myself and saying 'pull yourself out of it!' but I just can't do it.


I had an amazing week in America, it was an escape...Grandpa was ok so I wasn't jumping at the phone and I was busy...but now I'm home and it's all happening again.
Not sure what to do but thought writing about it might help.
Anyway I should go to bed soon, I'm doing foodbank tomorrow (with PJ's Hannah!) and other things...but who knows how that could change...
Much love xxx

Update: I debated about whether to post this, coz I don't want Mum & Dad to worry about me...I'm ok really...but I couldn't write it and then just leave it so I am posting it...but don't worry about me :) I'll be alright.