So I'm away at Retreat to Advance at the moment and really enjoying having some space and time away with God and friends.
Last night the speaker talked about 2012 being an amazing year for Britain...and then there was a prayer call later for people who had heard him say that and thought that actually 2012 hadn't been a good year.
I didn't go forward for prayer but I thought about it...overall I don't view last year as awful but it did contain some of the worst times of my life.
Over the summer I had a time where my ministry was questioned and changed, it was a very tricky time and I struggled. I've had times of overcoming the past hurts and trying to heal. I had my car accident which is still sending ripple effects through my life. And I lost my beautiful godsister, I know she's dancing with God now but the sadness was, and is, massive.
I really pray that 2013 is a better year, but actually through this past year my relationship with God has grown, my ability to trust in Him, and hand over control, has grown.
I've resolved some questions about my future and healed a lot of wounds from my past.
Would I have chosen to have the bad experiences? Absolutely not. But am I thankful for the blessings that God has brought out of it all? Definitely.
So as I look forward to 2013 I pray for several things: that I could achieve my personal goals (financially, health and diet, career etc), that I might find love, that my confidence in my abilities and gifts would grow whilst remaining humble...and that I would trust God and see the rainbow beyond the rain.
"we are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed but not in despair; persecuted but not abandoned; struck down but not destroyed." 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
Saturday, 12 January 2013
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Memories that don't fade quickly...
I read in a book yesterday that it's hard to retain images that are shocking. Well just over a week ago I had the most dramatic night of my life so far and trust me, I'm struggling to lose the images from my head.
It's 12.03 as I begin to write this which means its not really Christmas Day anymore and I don't feel so morbid for writing this. What prompted me was the Downton Abbey episode from yesterday where a main character dies in a car crash...something that would normally move me to tears instantly, and yet I feel numb. Shocked and appalled at the episode yes, but emotionally I feel numb.
Because I don't want to face the emotions I now associate with every car crash I seen tv or in the news.
Because to go back to that night scares me. But I need to...so here we go...
Last Monday, the 17th of December 2012, I was at work as normal. I was meant to finish at 1.30pm but I stayed on to cover a friend. I remember texting Mum as I left work about a recipe, I was having friends over for dinner. I got in my car and drove down the road I drive almost every day. I know it so well that I didn't concentrate fully on what I was doing. About 30 seconds into my journey I reached to turn the volume down on my stereo, I took my eyes of the road for a few seconds and I clipped the curb.
The next bit comes in flashes...trying to straighten back onto the road, feeling the car lock, realising I couldn't stop it, reaching across and grabbing my phone, going off the road..
...the car flipped and I put my hands over my head and closed my eyes. All I could think was 'please don't let this happen, this can't be happening, I'm going to die'
And then it stopped. Everything went still and all I could do was breathe.
I don't know how long before my brain caught up but it did and I grabbed my phone. iPhone's are amazing but there's about 10 different ways to make an emergency call and in my panic I couldn't figure out which way was quickest! I dialled 999 and I beeped my horn. I could hear cars going past and had no idea if they could see me. I couldn't get out, I didn't know if anyone would find me...I was terrified.
I asked for the ambulance service and told the lady on the phone that I had crashed my car and was trapped upside down.
Pretty soon a lady arrived, her name was Jane (my first guardian angel of the night) and she had heard me beep my horn. She took the phone, held my hand and I finally felt safe again. Jane stayed with me until help arrived and phoned my mum and my boss who was just up the road. I could speak and breathe but other than that I had no idea if I was hurt. My body went into shock and I didn't move anything other than my arms...which I found had blood on my hands, slightly frightening.
My second guardian angel arrived quickly; Ged, an off-duty police officer who 'happened' to be driving past. He smashed the passenger window and got in the car with me. He didn't leave me until they got me out, gaining a few cuts and bruises of his own. He radioed for help and kept me talking.
The next hour was a blur of my boss arriving and then having to leave me...firemen trying to get me out...paramedics checking on me...Ged got my sense of humour quite quickly and kept me going. He kept telling me I was being very brave but I didn't feel it.
Being upside down for that long isn't good for you, the blood all rushes to your head and the way my seat belt was holding me in meant my breathing was compromised. I started to lose consciousness. This was the second point at which I wondered if I was going to be ok.
The movement around me got quicker and they chopped more of my car open to get me out.
Onto a spinal board and in a neck brace, oxygen and blankets and out of the car. I started to wake up again. I managed to open my eyes, see my parents and talk.
I was cold, battered and bruised but I was ok.
I was so ok that the ambulance needed to transport me to hospital took another 45 minutes to arrive! During that time I managed to talk to my parents, ask them to rearrange my plans for the night, give my statement to the police, take a breathalyser test, say thank you to the nice firemen, joke with my mum about gorgeous men in uniform, and drop my temperature to 35.4C!
The ambulance ride made me feel sick, but a very handsome and lovely paramedic made it better! Into hospital, clothes cut off by a cute scottish male nurse, checks on my spine, X-rays and scans. Pj and Hannah arrived and I managed to text some people....I got caught up on what had been happening outside of the car (lots of phone calls, texts and prayers from my amazing friends and family!). And then I was cleared to leave.
5 hours after I crashed and I walked out of hospital. In pain and in shock but alive.
The next few days consisted of lots of visitors and 'you're alive!' presents. I told the story repeatedly, I joked about flirting with men in uniform, I got very good at saying 'I'm battered and bruised but alive- Praise God!'
I meant every word. But underneath that initial euphoria at being alive, the tentative attempts at driving again, the car shopping, the grateful call to Ged the policeman, the hugs and smiles to my loved ones...underneath that, I am emotionally battered, and emotionally bruised.
I am tired and I am scared. I get in a car and I feel sick. I drive at night and all I can see is the crash. I try and do normal things and I have to stop and rest because my body is still recovering.
I am a control freak, for deeper reasons than I will ever share in this blog, and God has done amazing work to help me let go and trust. But that is being tested. Because I now have more memories where I am completely out of control and felt scared and alone.
I know God will get me through it and find ways to bless me through it. But for right now I am crying because all I can see is my car going off the road, the window smashing, and darkness.
I am alive and my physical injuries could have been so much worse, I barely had a scratch on me. But the emotional wounds run deep and will take a little more time to heal.
It's 12.03 as I begin to write this which means its not really Christmas Day anymore and I don't feel so morbid for writing this. What prompted me was the Downton Abbey episode from yesterday where a main character dies in a car crash...something that would normally move me to tears instantly, and yet I feel numb. Shocked and appalled at the episode yes, but emotionally I feel numb.
Because I don't want to face the emotions I now associate with every car crash I seen tv or in the news.
Because to go back to that night scares me. But I need to...so here we go...
Last Monday, the 17th of December 2012, I was at work as normal. I was meant to finish at 1.30pm but I stayed on to cover a friend. I remember texting Mum as I left work about a recipe, I was having friends over for dinner. I got in my car and drove down the road I drive almost every day. I know it so well that I didn't concentrate fully on what I was doing. About 30 seconds into my journey I reached to turn the volume down on my stereo, I took my eyes of the road for a few seconds and I clipped the curb.
The next bit comes in flashes...trying to straighten back onto the road, feeling the car lock, realising I couldn't stop it, reaching across and grabbing my phone, going off the road..
...the car flipped and I put my hands over my head and closed my eyes. All I could think was 'please don't let this happen, this can't be happening, I'm going to die'
And then it stopped. Everything went still and all I could do was breathe.
I don't know how long before my brain caught up but it did and I grabbed my phone. iPhone's are amazing but there's about 10 different ways to make an emergency call and in my panic I couldn't figure out which way was quickest! I dialled 999 and I beeped my horn. I could hear cars going past and had no idea if they could see me. I couldn't get out, I didn't know if anyone would find me...I was terrified.
I asked for the ambulance service and told the lady on the phone that I had crashed my car and was trapped upside down.
Pretty soon a lady arrived, her name was Jane (my first guardian angel of the night) and she had heard me beep my horn. She took the phone, held my hand and I finally felt safe again. Jane stayed with me until help arrived and phoned my mum and my boss who was just up the road. I could speak and breathe but other than that I had no idea if I was hurt. My body went into shock and I didn't move anything other than my arms...which I found had blood on my hands, slightly frightening.
My second guardian angel arrived quickly; Ged, an off-duty police officer who 'happened' to be driving past. He smashed the passenger window and got in the car with me. He didn't leave me until they got me out, gaining a few cuts and bruises of his own. He radioed for help and kept me talking.
The next hour was a blur of my boss arriving and then having to leave me...firemen trying to get me out...paramedics checking on me...Ged got my sense of humour quite quickly and kept me going. He kept telling me I was being very brave but I didn't feel it.
Being upside down for that long isn't good for you, the blood all rushes to your head and the way my seat belt was holding me in meant my breathing was compromised. I started to lose consciousness. This was the second point at which I wondered if I was going to be ok.
The movement around me got quicker and they chopped more of my car open to get me out.
Onto a spinal board and in a neck brace, oxygen and blankets and out of the car. I started to wake up again. I managed to open my eyes, see my parents and talk.
I was cold, battered and bruised but I was ok.
I was so ok that the ambulance needed to transport me to hospital took another 45 minutes to arrive! During that time I managed to talk to my parents, ask them to rearrange my plans for the night, give my statement to the police, take a breathalyser test, say thank you to the nice firemen, joke with my mum about gorgeous men in uniform, and drop my temperature to 35.4C!
The ambulance ride made me feel sick, but a very handsome and lovely paramedic made it better! Into hospital, clothes cut off by a cute scottish male nurse, checks on my spine, X-rays and scans. Pj and Hannah arrived and I managed to text some people....I got caught up on what had been happening outside of the car (lots of phone calls, texts and prayers from my amazing friends and family!). And then I was cleared to leave.
5 hours after I crashed and I walked out of hospital. In pain and in shock but alive.
The next few days consisted of lots of visitors and 'you're alive!' presents. I told the story repeatedly, I joked about flirting with men in uniform, I got very good at saying 'I'm battered and bruised but alive- Praise God!'
I meant every word. But underneath that initial euphoria at being alive, the tentative attempts at driving again, the car shopping, the grateful call to Ged the policeman, the hugs and smiles to my loved ones...underneath that, I am emotionally battered, and emotionally bruised.
I am tired and I am scared. I get in a car and I feel sick. I drive at night and all I can see is the crash. I try and do normal things and I have to stop and rest because my body is still recovering.
I am a control freak, for deeper reasons than I will ever share in this blog, and God has done amazing work to help me let go and trust. But that is being tested. Because I now have more memories where I am completely out of control and felt scared and alone.
I know God will get me through it and find ways to bless me through it. But for right now I am crying because all I can see is my car going off the road, the window smashing, and darkness.
I am alive and my physical injuries could have been so much worse, I barely had a scratch on me. But the emotional wounds run deep and will take a little more time to heal.
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
9 months since my last post...
It's been 9 months since my last post...apologies...
Recently I've been reflecting back on the last few years of my life. Have I really changed as a person? Do I want the same things? Am I any closer to achieving them?
Some things have changed a lot; I now have a proper job that I love and a few other voluntary roles that enable me to develop my skills and start to work out where I'm going with my career.
I'm not doing my social work job anymore but that's ok, I'm still doing social work of sorts through my other jobs. I've discovered that if I put my mind to it, I can work hard and achieve great things (got a 2:1 in my degree and tomorrow I get my science GCSE result).
I've really accepted who I am and the giftings that God has given me, I've been challenged with different roles and jobs and have grown incredibly in my faith.
Some things haven't changed at all: I still live at home but I'm more comfortable with staying away. I'm still at Christ Church but my friendship circle has grown and I've realised that I would choose to go there regardless of my family. I'm still single but God has done a lot of work in me and is definitely preparing me for the right man to come along in His timing. I still have no children, but God has blessed me with a job where I get to hang out with gorgeous kids all day, a ministry where I get to teach kids about God, and my first beautiful godson has come along which has been a real affirmation of how much God has created me to be a mum.
I am still a major control freak, and I still find it difficult to trust people fully.
But I'm more content with my life, and I'm consciously trying to trust God and give control to him.
Over the last few years I have been kicked a fair few times (panic attacks in halls, horrible placement, limbo about jobs and my future) but God has been loving and gracious and my relationship with him is deeper every day.
A few weeks ago I got a 'kick' and it hurt...a lot! But teenage Sarah would've cried for ages, stamped her feet, been bitter and bitchy about the situation, and probably made her parents sort it out for her.
But Present Day Sarah handled it differently...sure I still went to Blenheim and had a good cry about it, but then I prayed, I sought wise counsel from people I trust, I looked to God to help me understand it and I have managed to discern His word from the human hurt. I'm not naive enough to think that this means I've got faith sorted because I'm definitely still very flawed...but God has helped me to handle it in the most gracious and mature way possible. He has shown me that if I honour Him in the way I behave then He will honour me and protect me.
Life can suck sometimes and we can get beaten down and kicked about, but God is good and He has a plan. If you have the courage to step off the tightrope then it can be terrifying but it's also incredibly freeing. I love it...you could say that it's almost like I'm 'flying' :p
Much love xxx
Recently I've been reflecting back on the last few years of my life. Have I really changed as a person? Do I want the same things? Am I any closer to achieving them?
Some things have changed a lot; I now have a proper job that I love and a few other voluntary roles that enable me to develop my skills and start to work out where I'm going with my career.
I'm not doing my social work job anymore but that's ok, I'm still doing social work of sorts through my other jobs. I've discovered that if I put my mind to it, I can work hard and achieve great things (got a 2:1 in my degree and tomorrow I get my science GCSE result).
I've really accepted who I am and the giftings that God has given me, I've been challenged with different roles and jobs and have grown incredibly in my faith.
Some things haven't changed at all: I still live at home but I'm more comfortable with staying away. I'm still at Christ Church but my friendship circle has grown and I've realised that I would choose to go there regardless of my family. I'm still single but God has done a lot of work in me and is definitely preparing me for the right man to come along in His timing. I still have no children, but God has blessed me with a job where I get to hang out with gorgeous kids all day, a ministry where I get to teach kids about God, and my first beautiful godson has come along which has been a real affirmation of how much God has created me to be a mum.
I am still a major control freak, and I still find it difficult to trust people fully.
But I'm more content with my life, and I'm consciously trying to trust God and give control to him.
Over the last few years I have been kicked a fair few times (panic attacks in halls, horrible placement, limbo about jobs and my future) but God has been loving and gracious and my relationship with him is deeper every day.
A few weeks ago I got a 'kick' and it hurt...a lot! But teenage Sarah would've cried for ages, stamped her feet, been bitter and bitchy about the situation, and probably made her parents sort it out for her.
But Present Day Sarah handled it differently...sure I still went to Blenheim and had a good cry about it, but then I prayed, I sought wise counsel from people I trust, I looked to God to help me understand it and I have managed to discern His word from the human hurt. I'm not naive enough to think that this means I've got faith sorted because I'm definitely still very flawed...but God has helped me to handle it in the most gracious and mature way possible. He has shown me that if I honour Him in the way I behave then He will honour me and protect me.
Life can suck sometimes and we can get beaten down and kicked about, but God is good and He has a plan. If you have the courage to step off the tightrope then it can be terrifying but it's also incredibly freeing. I love it...you could say that it's almost like I'm 'flying' :p
Much love xxx
Saturday, 19 November 2011
Yeah...sorry!
I know, I know...I haven't blogged in like 2 months :(
Basically I started to vlog on youtube instead but then some stuff happened with work that made me realise that perhaps I shouldn't have videos on the internet because with the internet, once it's out there you can't get it back, and yeah...so I deleted the videos but didn't get round to posting anything here.
This isn't going to be a long post because I'm tired and my bed is calling me...
Life is good. Busy and tiring, but good. I'm enjoying everything I'm doing...working at the nursery is amazing...I actually look forward to going to work :) the social work agency job is going well too, I'm getting good experience and enjoying it. And kids work at church is also going well :) am continuing to pray about which area I'm meant to be focussing on right now, my feeling is that its teaching and the nursery and I am therefore retaking my science GSCE in preparation for maybe doing a PGCE...but still not confirmed on that so hopefully God will let me know soon!
I'm busy but it's all things I love doing so it's kinda hard to want to drop anything...I think I'm just going to have to be better with my time. And I reinstated the Bed By Midnight rule earlier this week which should help with the whole tiredness thing (for those who don't know, the bed by midnight rule is where I have to be in Bed By Midnight!)
Am I still wishing I had other things in my life? House, husband, babies...
Yes.
Am I trying to be content with the wonderful things I do have in my life? Family, friends, job...
Yes.
Am I suceeding in achieving this contentment?
Sometimes.
Which is enough for me right now :)
Life is good...and it will only get better!
Much love xxx
Basically I started to vlog on youtube instead but then some stuff happened with work that made me realise that perhaps I shouldn't have videos on the internet because with the internet, once it's out there you can't get it back, and yeah...so I deleted the videos but didn't get round to posting anything here.
This isn't going to be a long post because I'm tired and my bed is calling me...
Life is good. Busy and tiring, but good. I'm enjoying everything I'm doing...working at the nursery is amazing...I actually look forward to going to work :) the social work agency job is going well too, I'm getting good experience and enjoying it. And kids work at church is also going well :) am continuing to pray about which area I'm meant to be focussing on right now, my feeling is that its teaching and the nursery and I am therefore retaking my science GSCE in preparation for maybe doing a PGCE...but still not confirmed on that so hopefully God will let me know soon!
I'm busy but it's all things I love doing so it's kinda hard to want to drop anything...I think I'm just going to have to be better with my time. And I reinstated the Bed By Midnight rule earlier this week which should help with the whole tiredness thing (for those who don't know, the bed by midnight rule is where I have to be in Bed By Midnight!)
Am I still wishing I had other things in my life? House, husband, babies...
Yes.
Am I trying to be content with the wonderful things I do have in my life? Family, friends, job...
Yes.
Am I suceeding in achieving this contentment?
Sometimes.
Which is enough for me right now :)
Life is good...and it will only get better!
Much love xxx
Sunday, 18 September 2011
An everyday prayer...
Lord, in all I do today,
remind me that
there's just one way
to do things
that I do best,
to put my mind
and heart at rest.
And that's to put
in your great hands,
my life, that you alone
have planned.
Amen
Each day is different, some are good, some are not so good. Transitioning from student to fully-fledged adult it tricky and I'm struggling a little as I figure it out. But I'll get there.
And in the wise words of Dorey from Finding Nemo 'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...'
Much love
xxx
remind me that
there's just one way
to do things
that I do best,
to put my mind
and heart at rest.
And that's to put
in your great hands,
my life, that you alone
have planned.
Amen
Each day is different, some are good, some are not so good. Transitioning from student to fully-fledged adult it tricky and I'm struggling a little as I figure it out. But I'll get there.
And in the wise words of Dorey from Finding Nemo 'Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...'
Much love
xxx
Tuesday, 13 September 2011
oh yeah...
...and I turned 22, graduated from university and got a few jobs...
All that important life news got swallowed up in my selfish rambling, sorry!
All that important life news got swallowed up in my selfish rambling, sorry!
ramble ramble ramble, important life news, ramble ramble
So I'm tired. I admit that my tiredness does not compare with other peoples (mothers with young or sick children, people with insomnia etc). But since I'm tired I kinda care less about those people and become much more self-absorbed...sorry but that's just my way.
Within all that my mind is buzzing with a few important life things and I was about to go to bed when I realised I wouldn't sleep well if I didn't get those thoughts out.
So I decided to dust off the old blog and use it to ramble and rant again (I know I haven't been blogging at much but not many people read it so who cares!)
Important life thing number 1:
I have a few jobs now. Part-time at a nursery, occasional shifts with a social work agency doing support work for families, and a few days voluntarily helping with kids work at church. Here's my brain's thoughts on it...
-Thank goodness I have a job
-But it's only part time so not alot of money
-I'll never move out at this rate
-But at least I'm doing something I enjoy
-I have no idea where it's going or what I'm meant to be doing
-But God does so it's ok
-Yeah but he's not sharing his plan with me
-Or maybe you're not listening
-It all feels so temporary and I hate limbo
-You need to remember the truths you learnt at New Wine this year about trusting God and handing over control
-Oh shut up rational holy part of my brain, the irrational emotional human part says!
Do you see where the problem comes in??
Second thing...is love...don't get excited there's no-one new in my life, there never is...
-I hate being single
-I just want to find that strong godly man who will make me feel safe and make me laugh and fit me perfectly
-a man shouldn't be everything
-God should be enough
-and he is
-but being single sucks
-especially when everyone else around you seems to be in a couple or meeting potential partners
-and suddenly you think that maybe I'm being too demanding and setting my expectations too high
-but God is all powerful and he loves me and I know he has the right man out there for me
-but I want him now!
-and I don't understand why, when I want a godly relationship, God doesn't somehow reward me by giving me that
-which sounds as stupid in my head as it does when you read it
etc etc etc...
I know it's silly to say, but sometimes I physically ache inside for love. It really feels like every else can find that person and I can't. All I want in life is to get married and have children. People say that being 22 is great because I can do anything I want to do, I'm free to travel or be picky about jobs or stay out late on work nights...but I can't actually do the things I want to do because I'm completely reliant on another person coming along and making it happen for me.
I know that in 5 years time I'll probably look back and think how silly this was because the right person will have come along and it'll be all good...but for right now, as I constantly feel like I'm waiting and crying out to God, I just feel quite lonely.
Anyway...I'm tired and my emotions are high and I tend to be more dramatic when I'm like this. So for those who read this- I am very happy with my life. I have great family and friends and enjoy my jobs. I will just always be someone who believes God can give her everything and sometimes I get frustrated when that has to happen on his timetable not mine!
Much love xxx
Within all that my mind is buzzing with a few important life things and I was about to go to bed when I realised I wouldn't sleep well if I didn't get those thoughts out.
So I decided to dust off the old blog and use it to ramble and rant again (I know I haven't been blogging at much but not many people read it so who cares!)
Important life thing number 1:
I have a few jobs now. Part-time at a nursery, occasional shifts with a social work agency doing support work for families, and a few days voluntarily helping with kids work at church. Here's my brain's thoughts on it...
-Thank goodness I have a job
-But it's only part time so not alot of money
-I'll never move out at this rate
-But at least I'm doing something I enjoy
-I have no idea where it's going or what I'm meant to be doing
-But God does so it's ok
-Yeah but he's not sharing his plan with me
-Or maybe you're not listening
-It all feels so temporary and I hate limbo
-You need to remember the truths you learnt at New Wine this year about trusting God and handing over control
-Oh shut up rational holy part of my brain, the irrational emotional human part says!
Do you see where the problem comes in??
Second thing...is love...don't get excited there's no-one new in my life, there never is...
-I hate being single
-I just want to find that strong godly man who will make me feel safe and make me laugh and fit me perfectly
-a man shouldn't be everything
-God should be enough
-and he is
-but being single sucks
-especially when everyone else around you seems to be in a couple or meeting potential partners
-and suddenly you think that maybe I'm being too demanding and setting my expectations too high
-but God is all powerful and he loves me and I know he has the right man out there for me
-but I want him now!
-and I don't understand why, when I want a godly relationship, God doesn't somehow reward me by giving me that
-which sounds as stupid in my head as it does when you read it
etc etc etc...
I know it's silly to say, but sometimes I physically ache inside for love. It really feels like every else can find that person and I can't. All I want in life is to get married and have children. People say that being 22 is great because I can do anything I want to do, I'm free to travel or be picky about jobs or stay out late on work nights...but I can't actually do the things I want to do because I'm completely reliant on another person coming along and making it happen for me.
I know that in 5 years time I'll probably look back and think how silly this was because the right person will have come along and it'll be all good...but for right now, as I constantly feel like I'm waiting and crying out to God, I just feel quite lonely.
Anyway...I'm tired and my emotions are high and I tend to be more dramatic when I'm like this. So for those who read this- I am very happy with my life. I have great family and friends and enjoy my jobs. I will just always be someone who believes God can give her everything and sometimes I get frustrated when that has to happen on his timetable not mine!
Much love xxx
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