Flat

Today was an interesting day- I am still so pleased about my results but it doesn't take away from the fact that I still feel flat.
I'm tired and teary and I don't have the energy to slap on my happy face and pretend to be enjoying myself.
I either need to be around people who distract me with stupid conversations about nothing or people who I can be honest with about how much I'm struggling...and some people don't fit either of those categories and it's not their fault but I don't have the energy to carry the conversations or make an effort sometimes and that unfortunately results in a breakdown of communication.

I do have good moments...honestly I do, it's not just doom and gloom...just now I said something to PJ that wasn't that funny but it had me in giggles for about 5 minutes. And that felt good :) just to be distracted by unrelated stuff- and that doesn't include hearing about other people's problems...it's hard to care about some of my friends mundane problems when I'm feeling this grief, and I feel bad coz any other time I would be right there to give the 'good friend' advice but right now I can't and frankly if they haven't noticed that I'm going through a tough time and don't bother to ask if I'm ok, then they don't deserve my 'good friend' advice anyway!!! (btw Hannah- if you are at this point thinking that I'm including you in this then you better remove that thought from your head before I slap it out myself :p you are family and you check on me first so stop thinking it!)

But it's hard for me to think these things about my friends coz it feels like a selfish thing to think 'ask about me. talk about me. care about me!' but I'm not a selfish person...I'm nagging and impatient and boring and alot of other things...but I'm not selfish and normally I wouldn't be thinking that I need my friends to be supporting me but right now I think its ok to insist upon that, right?
And there are some diamonds amongst the rough, Dina and Kate and Teresa and my Hannah are like angels sent to watch over me. A text or phone call just when I need it, a conversation about nothing to distract me, the reassurance that I could call any or all of them at any time of day or night and they would be there for me. Friends like that are invaluable.

This blog was going to be about how I still feel flat but really it turned into a small rant about some people and a tribute to my friends.
My blog in general used to be about me complaining about exams and family and meaningless things...and I'm sure it'll go back to that at some point...but for now, the biggest thing in my life is my grandparents and their ever-declining health, and that means that my blog is overshadowed by that. I'm sorry if it's a bit depressing!
That's all- I'm still happy about results, enjoying workshops at uni and the support of my friends. Life isn't all bad, it's just hard to pull past the sad emotions.
Much love xxx