Today

I was asked earlier how today went...'Good' isn't really the right answer because how could this day have been good in any way, shape or form.
It went as well as could be expected.
For those who don't know, today Mum, PJ and I went over to see my grandparents and although it might not be the case, there's a good chance today was our 'last goodbye' to Grandpa. Although the hospital have retracted their original '2-3 weeks' they still encouraged the family to be visiting to see him for possibly the last time. Mum pulled PJ out of school (a planned absence and supported by his teachers) and we went over.

The whole ride there we talked as normal but I knew I wasn't the only one who was having a second conversation in my head that involved entirely around my grandparents.
I don't know if it's coz they were doing alright or because they were making an extra effort for us, but they were both quite chatty actually. Grandma drifted in and out of the conversation, the way she normally does after one of her 'turns'. Grandpa was upbeat but had needed to get their carer up 3 times in the night for pain meds (especially since he was only prescribed small amounts of morphine...Mum encouraged them to get it upped and that's now happened!).
It was small chit-chat, telling them what we were up to and what our plans for the summer were...normal stuff but for me it was very much about wanting possibly my last conversation with Grandpa to be one where I made him smile and where he knew that I was there because I love him.
I hope I managed that.
Grandma was a bit teary the whole time we were there...I think both she and Grandpa know exactly why we were there.

And now we're home.
And after today life goes on for a bit.
But for today I think we're all just very sad.
Together as a family, we are uniting to support each other through the sadness.

I cried in the car and again at home...the first week or so I didn't cry at all and it made me feel sick (I feel sick and horrible when I'm stressed and anxious and if I'm not letting it out then my body decides to feel it somehow). And again today I started to feel sick...so I let myself feel it, I let myself cry. I had to.
PJ was ok, typical Brombley male, putting it in another part of his brain for now.
Then this evening Mum cried. The first time I've seen her let it out and it set me off again. I didn't think I was being much help since I was just crying myself so I did the only thing I could...I texted Dad. Even thousands of miles away I knew he would call if I asked him to and I knew Mum needed to hear from him....actually I think I needed to hear from him too.

We have some amazing friends and family supporting us; James came round this evening on a mission from Dad to give Mum a hug...there's something different about a man hug. Hannah texted me to check up on me and sent hugs via PJ and has been invaluble in supporting us (I know she reads my blog and I want her to know how much I love her for it). Val, Ivor & Ruth had lunch with us and despite going through the same as us we're supporting each other. Teresa, Hannah, Kate and Dina have all held me up the last few weeks- Teresa was on the other end of the phone when I needed her, Kate too has been boosting me up and helping me stay strong. Hannah (my Hannah, not PJ's Hannah) has just been a friend, distracting me by doing normal friend stuff...talking if I want to talk about it but if not providing other conversation so I don't have to think. And Dina...I hadn't realised until we finished for the summer quite how much I need Dina...she has become one of my best friends and despite being miles away in Holland, amidst her own family sadness, she has been there for me..possibly because she knows how I'm feeling.
I thank God so much for these people, what I would do without them I do not know.

Like I said, tomorrow life will go on, normal things will start again (lunch with friends, church, results day, work training, uni workshops)...but for today, I'm just going to sit in the sadness and know that I am not alone.

Much love xxx