I can't do this anymore

This stupid, never-ending rollercoaster. I can't do it.

Grandpa is home from hospital but Grandma is now in hospital.

And I have to paint gloss work in the study today.

And I can't do it. I can't do stupid mundane things when this keeps happening. And I think this could be bad coz Mum's worried...she didn't say that but I can tell, it's why I always make sure she tells me the news, even if I've heard it from somewhere else first, coz I can tell how serious it is (sorry Mum but I can...even if you don't know how serious it actually is, I can tell how serious you think it could be). Now on the other hand this is what Grandma did about 4 weeks ago (they couldn't wake her up this morning) so she could be in and out of hospital in a day again...and I can also tell that Mum thinks that's a genuine possibility which is good. But we just don't know.

And I can't do this anymore.



Except I kind of have to. Life can't stop for every hospital trip that they do. If it did we'd never do anything! But with Grandpa so close to the end, it feels different this time round.

And I will keep going, I'll take a deep breath, have some breakfast and then wait for Nan to arrive to help me paint. And I'll tell them that I'm ok and that I don't want to talk about it. And really I'm struggling today.

I just had a little cry but managed to call Teresa who was lovely, didn't really say anything but I needed a familiar voice to just calm me and block out my own voice.



I know that both Mum & Dad will read this, really I'm alright, don't worry (especially you Dad). I'm tired too and that never helps. I am going to save this as draft though until Mum has spoken to Dad properly. And we might have more news.



Much love xxx

UPDATE: Grandma had a seizure and they should be discharging her today. I'm feeling much better now (so I re-iterate 'don't worry!' to Mum & Dad) and Mum and I are about to go swimming :) the day got better from how it started!