Limbo

I don't have much to say in my blog at the moment I'm afraid!
I've been in a bit of a limbo since Grandpa died, doing a few bits & pieces but not really doing anything major because the funeral is this week and it's like I'm waiting for it and so am not really doing anything proper.
I'm excited about New Wine which is getting closer :)
And I have a hair appointment on thursday which sounds like nothing but I really look forward to being pampered and getting a haircut...it's fun and I do look forward to it!

Anyway this is a super short blog but I don't have much to say, sorry!
Much love xxx

peaceful

I'm not sure if I can find the energy to write this blog in detail.
Wednesday night at 11.24pm my Grandpa died.
We were all there, we were at the hospice with him from lunchtime that day.
It was a long day but strangely nice. The family took it in turns to sit with him, after he saw Grandpa for a bit he went to sleep and never regained consciousness.
We hung out in the Chapel at the hospice just chatting about family memories. None of us wanting to leave.
Eventually Mum & I crashed in the guest room (the staff were wonderful and had set up the room for us so we could stay) and just as we closed our eyes we heard Ruth running down the hall to get us all, Grandpa had stopped breathing.
We all got to the room (me, PJ, Mum & Dad, my aunt & uncle, cousins Ruth & Phil, and my other uncle) so 9 of us all round his bed...he took 2 more breaths with moments in between...and then he just stopped.
It was quick but very peaceful.
God had timed it out perfectly, the right people were there, he was surrounded by his family and it happened in a way that made it easy for us to let him go.
We then stuck around for another couple of hours, partly to wait for another one of my cousins to arrive, partly just to sit in the chapel and reflect. By the time we crashed at Aunt Val's house it was 3am!
After a few hours sleep we headed up to Grandma's to see her and also to start planning the funeral.

It was weird...this was never how I imagined it happening, because I never thought we would be there with him but I'm glad we were.
Tomorrow we get back to life for a bit, we're going shopping in Reading which was the original plan for Wednesday before it changed, to shop for the same things except now I need a black dress...
The funeral will probably be some time next week and then it's New Wine...the summer has gone so quickly...
anyway that's my blog for today, thanks for all the prayers and support, it's appreciated :)
Much love xxx

I'm not sure I can do this again...

So after the last awful dip, my Grandpa perked up again and they were looking at getting him out of hospital and into a nursing home...yesterday he got an infection and today they moved him to the hospice...which means days, if not hours...
And yet I'm not upset...it's like I won't allow myself to invest in this, I did it last time, I got so low and so upset and then he was alright again and the swoop back up was horrible...so this time it's like my heart won't allow me to put that emotion into it again.

I'm surprised I haven't cried yet, especially since I'm so tired from jetlag...instead I've closed down. Earlier this evening there was a moment where I was laughing over something stupid and the next moment I was snappy and annoyed for no reason at all...I'm not feeling the grief so my emotions are just going up and down.

The obvious solution to this would be to let myself feel the grief but it's like I can't...I start to think about it and let myself cry and something inside me shuts the door. Which just leaves me feeling frustrated and low. And I'm not sure what to do about it.
This has happened alot with this rollercoaster, I find myself feeling an emotion and wanting to feel different but not physically being able to pull myself out of it...it's like I'm watching myself and saying 'pull yourself out of it!' but I just can't do it.


I had an amazing week in America, it was an escape...Grandpa was ok so I wasn't jumping at the phone and I was busy...but now I'm home and it's all happening again.
Not sure what to do but thought writing about it might help.
Anyway I should go to bed soon, I'm doing foodbank tomorrow (with PJ's Hannah!) and other things...but who knows how that could change...
Much love xxx

Update: I debated about whether to post this, coz I don't want Mum & Dad to worry about me...I'm ok really...but I couldn't write it and then just leave it so I am posting it...but don't worry about me :) I'll be alright.

I'm home :)

Hey kids
I'm home :)
hehe I actually got home yesterday but was too tired to blog!
We left on Friday evening and flew overnight to get into Heathrow at 9.30am, it was an alright flight, I slept for alot of it so that's good.
I had a brilliant week in America, loved every minute of it :) but Friday evening sat in the airport crying over the smallest stupidest thing (seriously, all that happened was that we got through security to find there wasn't anywhere to have dinner...so ended up going back out to get food...it was so stupid) I realised that I was very tired and just ready to go home.

But I'm home now :)
Yesterday I tried to do bits and pieces but mostly I just crashed in front of the TV and hung out with the family.
Today I sorted out a load of house stuff (talked to Claire about how to do bills- we've all agreed now so that's good, went through how bills work with Dad, bought a quilt for my house in Marston and for home too, things like that!), went through some holiday club stuff too, planned out things I need to do in the next couple of weeks, prepared a bit for meeting tomorrow...just chilled out.

The meeting tomorrow is with my practice assessor which is just an informal chat coz we've never met before.
I'm not going to write about my placement really because that wouldn't be very professional of me...I've been thinking about how my blog represents me and I'm not sure about what the answer is...we're supposed to follow the GSCC codes of conduct, which I believe I do, I just need to think about whether my blog is alright...I had to review my facebook page too...so for now, all I'll say is that I won't really talk about my placement :)

That's all for today's blog!
Much love xxx

Fifth Blog of USA? (I'm not sure what number I'm on!!)

Yesterday was a fantastic day :D
Harry Potter was really really good but it meant we only got 4 hours of sleep which was crazy because we spent yesterday at Six Flags which was soooo good!
We went on rides, took silly pics, bought capes (PJ got Superman, Kendall & Elliot got Batman, and I got Supergirl!), sang silly songs on the way back and ended the day with a Nerf gun fight!

It all meant that I slept really well :D

Today Angie and I are going for breakfast, then manicures & pedicures, then alot of shopping!
Tonight we're all going to a baseball game...and we've got tickets for an executive box so food provided and good seats :) and the game is followed by fireworks which'll be cool.

Tomorrow is mostly a chill-out day, maybe a bit more shopping, packing up our stuff (including stupid prizes from the arcade, souveniers, capes, and any shopping from today!) and then off to the airport to go home!
I've had a great time this week but I will be happy to go home and see Mum & Dad and get back to life...coz I like my life, I like it alot, and as much as the escape is fun...I'm not sad about rejoining the real world :)

Will probably blog again tomorrow before we leave.
Much love xxx

4th blog of USA

I was thinking I'd blog about once a day but I need to blog so I am :)
Today we went to New York, it was great! Started off not so good, coz I was tired and not enjoying it as much coz of that, we went to Toys R Us which is huge and went on their Feris Wheel, still wasn't feel good...but after having lunch I picked up a bit...especially when we came across the Disney Store which was HUGE!!!! I love Disney so much, it's everything good and pure and I love it! Well this store was 3 levels and had stuff for adults and kids, they had jewellry and art and toys and clothes and kitchen stuff and it was fantastic! PJ had to stop me buying stuff...I bought a keyring, a cup (and a 2nd one as a gift for someone else) and some Tinkerbell earrings :D if I had that kind of Disney Store near me, I would spend all my money in it!
Following that we went to another toy shop, saw some more sights, some street performers, and ended up in Central Park where we went on a carriage ride around the park.

All in all, it was a good day :) really got to enjoy New York and picked up a few goodies.

Then I came back to an email about house stuff, I'd already had one and replied and this was a reply to that and we're trying to sort out bills and it's not happening quite how I wanted and it's stressing me out a bit...mostly because I'm having to think about it and try and sort it whilst I'm out here, which I was hoping I wouldn't have to do!
Especially since we're out of time and me sending an email now means that I have to wait until morning to get a reply :( it sucks!

Anyway that's all I have to say, I'm gonna chill and watch TV before going to bed, I'm very tired but fortunately tomorrow is a bit of a chill-out day before Harry Potter showing at midnight :)

So I will leave you will my favourite Tinkerbell quote:

"All you need is faith, trust, and a little pixie-dust"

Much love xxx

3rd USA blog

So it's Monday morning here, I'm still up reasonably early (7am) but managed to go to bed later (10.30pm) which is good. slowly starting to move my body clock over!
Yesterday we didn't go into Philly, we ended up having a chilled out dinner here and then going to get ice cream and playing board games...it was nice :)

Today we're going into New York!!! The plan for the day sounds fun so it should be good...going to be a long day methinks though so am trying to prepare myself for it! Think I'm going to fade fast tonight and need another early night!

Tomorrow we've got midnight tickets to see Harry Potter which I'm excited about, the trailers are showing all the time on TV and apparently tickets are really hard to get hold of. During the day we're just going to chill, I think I'll take a little catnap to try and make sure I can keep going to after midnight!

The week is going quickly and I'm starting to get more used to being here. Still missing home and when I start to fade in the evenings I still get a little homesick but not as much as I did the first night. I tend to be able to tell myself it's tiredness and look forward to talking to mum in the morning so that's good.
In fact I just got off the phone with her :) and she pointed out that we all get a little emotional when we're tired and unfortunately homesickness is my achilles heel which means its the first thing to get worse!

Anyway I'm going to have some breakfast and chill out before we go into New York
I'll blog again in the morning :)
Much love xxx