up early...

Alright so I'm up pretty early for me, 7am! The thing is that last week my tuesday morning bus was pretty full and because of the traffic in Oxford I was 5 minutes late to my lecture...this is something that is not allowed! So this morning I'm getting the slightly earlier bus at 7.45am...but I needed a shower this morning so am up earlier than that!

I would worry about how tired I'll get but it's one morning a week (monday's lectures don't start until 10am) and for wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday I can sleep in for as long as I want :D (sunday last week I helped with kids group at St Aldates because I wanted to check out what it was like).

Tonight, after lectures, I'm waiting around a little bit for Katie (a 2nd year friend from CU) and then going to her house for dinner which should be good fun.

Tomorrow I'm going to work hard because we got given quite alot of work yesterday so I imagine we'll get given quite alot today too! and then I'll go to CU in the evening :)

 

On the whole halls vs home thing, I stayed in halls on sunday night after church...I wasn't very happy about it but I could pretty much go straight to bed and didn't have to worry too much about filling time there. It's just still lonely there...my flatmates were all in on sunday night (they were hungover from saturday night!) but mostly they were doing their own thing in their rooms. Its good to know I am capable of staying in halls and its not a huge monster anymore- although I still get anxious just thinking about being there :( but at the moment, I'm happiest at home.

Another thought though is that Monday and Tuesday next week, the fair is on in Abingdon which might affect the buses so I'm looking at whether I stay in halls or whether I maybe stay with Lucy at her halls or something like that...I haven't really thought about it and I'm trying not to!

 

Anyway I need to go dry my hair so I can go to uni :) will try and write more soon....the summary is that I'm happier but still feeling unsettles about everything.

Much love xxx

i'm on the up and up

yesterday was a good day and today looks like it's going to be good too.

yesterday I got to sleep in, very important since I was exhausted, and then I did some homework in the afternoon and some reading in preparation for my lectures next week. then in the evening I went to CU which was fun :) both Rosie and Lucy couldn't make it so I was on my own but a couple of people recognized me from last week and so I had fun...arranged a couple of different social things over the next week which is great...its showing me that CU stuff can keep going even when I'm at home. Now I may still miss out on stuff so I'm still not making a decision but its good to know people are still up for meeting up with me etc.

I didn't think about it all too much yesterday but my one thought was: 'oh I think I could manage to stay over on monday night and then I'll be able to go home' which is very telling...it shows that I'm starting to feel capable of staying at halls but it still isn't the place I feel happiest.

We'll see what happens on monday night, I'll try and stay if I can but I don't know if I'll enjoy myself or be happy whilst doing it. in which case, is it the right place for me? on the other hand, I might get there and freak out again, but I hope not, I don't want it to become this big monster that I can't face.

I had a really good talk with people at CU last night and with a friend on msn and the general thought was that everyone reacts to university differently, some thrive and some freak, I should do what makes me happy and no-one is going to think I've failed if I move home.

Today Hannah Swift and I are going to visit Lucy over at Harcourt Hill, since she couldn't come to CU last night and wants to chat with me about stuff I thought I would tag along to Hannah's visit and it means I get to see Hannah too :)

Other than that I'm staying home and doing some work. got quite a bit of prep reading and homework to do this week. but I'm loving the course still so that's good!

much love xxx

I couldn't keep away

alright so I said in my earlier blog that I wasn't going to blog properly and that you could read my mum's blog but my stomach has a knot in and I'm thinking about things and mum said it helped her to write her thoughts down when that happened so I thought I would try it.

I'm trying to find the balance between addressing my feelings and letting them out, without stirring up things I don't need to think about.

I think I'm going to write the thoughts that are going round my head in no particular order. Know that I'm not making any decision yet and none of these thoughts mean more than the other. They are just thoughts:

- I wanted to listen to music earlier but realised most of my cd's and my PC speakers are at halls...my gut reaction was that I didn't want to go back there.
- Thinking about not wanting to miss anything or regret anything if I were to move home made me wonder what I thought I would be missing.
- That made me realise that I won't know if I'm missing stuff with CU people or anyone because it's too early to know what will be happening yet, will hopefully start to get a better picture on wednesday night at CU.
- which made me realise that I shouldn't make a decision yet.
- which I hate because I hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I'm stressing about things.
- all of my coursemates have said to move home if that'll make me happy, most of them are commuting in anyway and actually we're more likely to socialise at lunchtimes or after lectures on mondays/tuesdays.
- my personal tutor said to move home if I'm unhappy because my energy should be on my studies not on being miserable.
- I love my course and I'm happy at lectures and with my friends on my course.
- I'm fortunate that if I choose to move home I don't have to give up my course because that would be the worst thing in the world!
- I met 2 women on my course who also commute from abingdon so will be taking the same bus.
- I don't want being in halls to be this big monster that I can't face.
- Which means I should stay over in halls at some point.
- I'm scared that if I can survive a night in halls then that means the decision is made and I should stay in halls.
- Mum reassured me that just being able to stay in halls doesn't make it the right choice if I'm still not happy there.
- being capable of staying in halls, doesn't make it an enjoyable experience. It doesn't make it the right choice.
- not making a choice gives me a knot in my stomach for most of the day.
- I shouldn't make a choice yet because I might regret it.
- should I stay over in halls sunday night and then I can come home monday night?
- should I stay over monday night instead?
- or tuesday night?
- will I even be able to stay in halls?
- if I do, will I then be expected to stay in halls just because I can?
- well, no, because if I'm still not happy there then that's not the place for me.
- will there be a day when I don't feel like crying coz I'm worrying about this so much?
- why aren't I relying on God more?
- why is this all so hard?

The cycle continues, with all the different thoughts going round and round.

And I'm still very tired from everything at the weekend so all my feelings and stresses are magnified.

I don't have a clue what to do.

I hate not knowing what to do.

I hate feeling like this.

I like being at home though.

And I'm definitely happier today.

 

I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens over the next few weeks....who knows. My thoughts are moving rapidly and that's tough to cope with. I've had the same conversation with my parents a million times, just because at the moment, whilst I'm too tired to keep my perspective, I need someone to tell me its ok and that I'm ok and that I don't need to make a decision and that I shouldn't stress.

hope this blog wasn't too hard to follow.
much love xxx

home?

I'm home today, and was home sunday and monday night too.

my mum's blogged on it http://kalbrombley.blogspot.com/2008/09/home.html

and she says it very well so if you want to hear about it then read hers. I'm too tired to write about everything yet.

my brief thoughts are:
- if you plan to make a comment about how I should 'stick it out'...don't.
- I have brilliant parents who are supporting me in any of my decisions because they want me to be happy. So don't even think about telling them to push me to 'stick it out'...they're good parents who care about how I feel...don't make them feel otherwise.
- I now realise how happy I was over the summer and am appreciating it more...that sort of 'only miss it once it's gone' type feeling.
- I have no idea what I'm going to do and I'm trying not to think about it because that makes me nervous and gives me a horrible feeling in my stomach that I hate. I'm just taking it as it comes at the moment.
- finally...I had a fab day at uni today doing my course, I enjoyed my lecture despite thinking I would be terrified of my lecturer- even though I was late she was nice about it. I met people in my Fit for Practice group that take the bus from Abingdon too so am hopefully going to be seeing them on the bus.

That's all my thoughts for now.

much love xxx

still no better

I ended up seeing Anna and Hannah yesterday, they came to see the flat, it was great...we went to see a movie, it was great...we got to dinner, I broke down crying.

I'm really struggling at uni at the moment. I'm fine during the day when I'm at my course and I have friends on my course, but when I'm at my flat I feel very alone...and that feels horrible.

Anna ended up staying last night which was good...meant I didn't cry myself to sleep...but this morning she's had to go home and I'm alone in my room again and I hate it.

It's not so much the being away from home, it's being in a place where I don't feel comfortable around all my flat-mates, although they're lovely people. I do stuff during the day and for the most part I'm fine, it's when I get back to the flat and am on my own in a strange place. If I was living with friends I think it would be different, but I'm not. My flatmates go out most nights into town and I don't want to do that. So I'm home alone...there's no inbetween option. And even if there was, I'm not sure how much it would help the fact that I'm living with people who are quite different to me.

Anyway when we went to pick Anna's stuff up, I didn't go home, Mum came to me and we talked about it all and realised there's alot of options of what to do to make it better. And that's the worst part when I feel alone, I feel like I have to continue to feel like this and hope it gets better. But I don't.

To start with I can come home on weekends if that helps, I can see Mum during the week, Anna has said she could stay over another night later this week before she goes back to uni in october. The other end of this scale is that I move home and commute in. We're not going to make any decisions like that just yet, but I felt like that wasn't an ok option, like I'd be letting down my parents if I did that. Mum reassures me that I wouldn't let them down and she would never force me to stay here feeling miserable. So it's good to know I have that option and I was thinking about it, I'd still go to St. Aldates I think and the CU and stuff, I don't think I would come back to Christchurch or anything. And then hopefully 2nd year when I've made some good friends in CU or on my course, I can move in with people who are similar to me and who I feel comfortable living with.

But that's a long way off yet, we're going to try coming home at a weekend and things like that first. Things like, I'm having lunch with Mum and PJ today...and tonight Hannah's joining me to go to St Aldates.

Be praying for me...not that I would stick it out and be fine...because I know alot of you are thinking that's what I should do...instead please pray that I make the right decision for me and the right decision by God. I think part of him placing me near home is because it gives me these options, if I was in Bristol it would be all or nothing because I'd have to stay there in order to continue my course, whereas here I have no chance of losing my place on the course and can continue doing that whatever my living arrangements are.

Much love xxx

day whatever of university

I've lost track of what day it is!
I'm also about to go to bed so this shouldn't be a long post.

tonight I'm feeling a bit weepy. I talked to Mum, Dad and PJ earlier via webcam which was very nice but I don't think that's what's making me weepy...I think its just tiredness :( so I'm trying to get an earlier night (11.10pm is earlier, just to give you an idea of my bedtimes this week!) and hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better. I had a small cry earlier but it wasn't really crying coz I'm not sure what emotions I was letting out...if that makes any sense.

mostly I think I just have that feeling in the pit of my stomach when something isn't quite sitting right. It didn't go away by kinda crying, so I'm hoping it doesn't stop me sleeping and then it'll be gone in the morning.

another long day at uni today and another long day tomorrow. but then got the CU bbq in the evening so that should be good :)

hope you're all well, I'm off to sleep!
much love xxx

just a quick note

this is just a short blog because I had a good night and I'm going to enjoy the rest of it and not get homesick.

even reading Mum's blog didn't make me feel too sad...I was prepared for the soppiness though.

what did just make me feel homesick was talking to PJ...I miss him...I started a game on facebook with my parents and PJ never plays it but for the last few weeks he's come upstairs and looked over my shoulder to do it with me....he isn't here.

just had a quick cry but I'm getting better at riding out the wave.

especially since I had a particularly good night tonight at CU, made some good friends and had a great time :)

infact I'm no longer crying, just taken a deep breath and put on some music ('zero to hero' from disney's hercules...just incase you're interested!) and am fine now.

I also saw Mum for lunch today which was nice, cheered me to see her and I think Anna's coming to visit sometime soon so I'm looking forward to that.

Plus I got my first notes for one of my lectures today and starting to read it and organize my folders made me excited for the next couple of weeks...and thinking in a slightly longer term way wasn't too bad this time either.

ok, so this blog is longer than I meant to write...it's all PJ's fault!
am off to eat the rest of my late night dinner and watch a dvd before sleeping in my actually quite comfy bed :)
much love xxx

fourth day of university

not much to write for now, been to freshers fair today and going to CU meeting tonight.

this will actually be on the internet :) as will the 3 posts before it which I only just managed to post online!

read and comment
much love xxx

third day of university (tuesday)

I doubt that once my lectures start I will continue to blog daily but for now its the space I need to let out my feelings.

today hasn't been so bad. at the moment I have a headache and am very tired but I plan to fix that by taking more medicine soon and then getting an early night.

I didn't end up enrolling today, instead I registered at the school of health and social care and had a long day of stuff. most of it was useful information but it could have been squeezed into less time, particularly since we've got thursday and friday full of stuff at the school too.
Dina and I ended up hanging out for most of the day, along with Adam (not flatmate Adam, social work Adam) which was fun. Dina and I have realised that we're basically chalk and cheese. She's rebelled against her traditional muslim upbringing and turned into a partying, smoking, very laid back girl. I am the opposite, a strong christian with a strong faith who doesn't like to club, definitely doesn't smoke and likes to be in control of when things happen.
but it works. she respects my faith and has even asked questions, she understands that clubbing isn't my scene so is meeting me half way and we'll just go to pubs when its the two of us. we have the same stupid sense of humour and because we know we're different and don't try to change each other it works. I think she might be the first proper friend I've made at uni. who knows whether it'll last but for now it means that I'm not at all nervous about who to sit by in my lectures.

Adam is a quiet, laid back, lovely guy. likes to party too but also has had a steady girlfriend for 4 years and seems to be pretty content to just cruise through life as he is.
the three of us have decided to stick together for now. and I like being part of a group like that. I miss being part of a group like that. I have no idea whether they'll be my closest friends forever but for now they make me feel alot less lonely so that works for me.

so tomorrow once I finally do enrol I can get internet, which I really miss. stupid I know...'what did we do before internet?' but its one of the easiest ways to get information and also to talk to friends. Steph got her internet today so I quickly checked my email and facebook and had missed comments and messages but didnt have time to reply to them so will hopefully do it soon.

I'm also having lunch with Mum tomorrow. we talked about whether to have lunch at mine or at her work and I realised that no-one else had had their parents over yet and I didnt want to be the first but I still really wanted to see Mum but she didnt want me to feel like I had to see her and didn't want me to feel like I couldn't tell her that...anyway after a couple of phone calls we worked out that we'll get lunch and go to her office. It's weird, working out the way of doing things like that. gave me a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one I get when I'm stressed and can't work out what the real problem is. I think Mum put her finger on it though...this isn't home. Inviting my friends over to check out my new room is one thing but hanging out with people or with my family, it isn't the same because this isn't a home where I feel entirely comfortable yet. It's just a room surrounded by a bunch of others rooms with other people that I don't really know yet.

but like Mum said...it's only been a few days.

it feels like a few months since I left home.

still getting the homesick waves.

just getting better at dealing with them.

all this will be on the internet tomorrow and I'll try to keep writing as regularly as possible. but since tomorrow night is the first CU meeting, I'm hoping to find some real friends, people who get me in a different way...maybe then I'll begin to feel more comfortable.

much love xxx

second night of university (monday)

so I actually slept really well last night, once I'd cried and called Anna so she could calm me, I was fine once I rode the homesickness wave out.

today was pretty good too. Steph and I ended up going into oxford, having a moo-moo's, buying a toaster and just relaxing. it was fun :)

tonight was the booze crawl. which started really early at 5.30pm. it wasn't very good to be honest. the bars and pubs we stopped at were good but most of the reps (not all of them) were 2nd year guys just looking for freshers to sleep with. and we ended up walking from cowley to the city centre which is a good 2 miles I think...and I hate walking. right now I can't really feel my feet!
we ended up at Bar Risa at 10ish which was nice but by that point I'd drank more than I normally do, been ignored by guys trying to hit on my more attractive friends (not all the guys were this shallow, we met a couple of nicer guys) and was ready to leave. I stayed for the foam party bit but by 11pm I was calling for a taxi. I could have walked through Oxford to get my bus but I'm not stupid. Dina, the girl from my course who's also in my halls, wanted to stay but didn't want me to go on my own so paid for my taxi.

I had a couple of really fun moment tonight but mostly I just realised how much that is not my scene. and I don't know why I felt like I had to try and fit in with that scene. I know uni life is supposed to be all drinking and clubs but to be honest, I really can't wait to go to the christian union on wednesday night, find some proper friends and start being me again.

I can feel a wave of homesickness coming on again, due to combination of tiredness, alcohol and thinking about it too much.

going to go watch a dvd. much love xxx

first day of university (sunday)

its the end of my first day at university. now I don't have internet until tuesday so this will be a delayed post but I needed somewhere to let my feelings out about it all.

it went well. I moved all my stuff in yesterday but stayed at home last night before bringing the last few things over and moving in properly. my flatmates are all lovely.
Annie- I'd already met her on facebook and we get on great, same taste in films and I really like her :)
Steph- the rest of our flatmates ended up at the icebreaker disco before Steph and I tonight and it was packed with a line outside so the two of us ended up taking the bus to Harcourt Hill SU bar with Luce coz it was pretty empty. I really enjoyed it coz it meant Steph and I got a chance to chat just the two of us. She's really nice and so funny :)
Meagan- no idea if I've spelt her name right but she's lovely too. from south africa and has such a bubbly personality.
Callum- the most random person ever! really funny and nice but switches topics so quickly and says the most random things.
Adam- really nice guy, smoker but we'll forgive him hehe, genuinely lovely guy.

none of them are horrible, they're all nice. I'm not sure I'll end up good friends with all of them but on first appearances I think they'll be nice people to live with.

wow. talking about living with people makes it kick in how long term this is. tonight I got hit by a bit of a homesick wave whilst I was out. I called home briefly earlier but I wasn't feeling too bad then. it comes in waves really. right now I'm feeling another one coming, the tears are welling a little bit. I'm excited to be here and have so much stuff to do this week but I miss home. I miss my family already and just having friends that I know around. it helps having Lucy nearby coz I can lean on her a bit.

I'm resisting the urge to call home. aside from the fact that its 12.50 and too late to be calling really, I know that I just need to ride the wave out and it'll be fine. I have so much going on this week and once I get into a routine with lectures and start making good friends I'll be fine. it's just really weird. I miss the normal sounds of my family around the house and I miss having PJ to tease and I miss it all really.

I am fine really. Not giving up or anything. Just allowing myself to feel these things.

Tomorrow Steph, Annie and I are going to head into Oxford to look around and buy a toaster! should be a good chance to get to know them better. I'm already comfortable knocking on Annie's door in search for company but not for a hug just yet. which is sort of what I need right now. I guess my cuddly toys will have to do!

right, I'm going to go before I make myself cry any more! for those who read this back and worry about me (that means you Mum) I really am fine, I promise. just having the first lull of university life and the feelings are sinking in.

I'm sure I'll write another blog tomorrow.
much love xxx

moving to university

today is the day I move to university.
its a very weird feeling, I think my mum summed it up best, it feels like I'm just going on holiday for a couple of weeks, it hasn't quite sunk in how long-term it is.

this morning I'm packing the rest of my stuff, in particular everything in my room (i.e. photo frames, hair stuff, jewellery, clothes). which is going to be a mission but never mind.

we're going to head to oxford after lunch, so I've got a couple of hours to pack everything. then we wait for PJ to come home before taking me to my halls. although PJ has conveniently managed to get out of having to move stuff when we get there since he's now on crutches with a badly sprained ankle...and it takes alot for my brother to be in pain and have to suffer with crutches...so maybe I'll let him off.

I'm writing this blog on my new laptop which is very exciting but still taking some getting used to. my dad just got back from food shopping so after that we're going to pack things up.

its very very weird to be having to pack up most of my room and just going round making sure I get everything from each room.

anyway I ought to go and continue packing!
much love xxx

new laptop

my new laptop has this feature where I can access my blog in a slightly different way. this is just checking to see if it works!

much love

deliberately ringing phones

well it wasn't the doorbell that woke me this morning, it was the phone ringing instead.
who knew I would pretty much predict that happening! it wasn't my laptop being delivered, that's happening tomorrow though, instead it was the stupid hospital asking some questions about my private healthcare insurance from when I had my blood tests and stuff, they say they don't have the information but we've been sent invoices so they clearly do have it...whatever, basically it was a pointless phone call that woke me up.
I know I sound pretty grumpy about it, and I probably shouldn't since 9.30am isn't super early for most people but since I have nothing on this week I was hoping to make the most of it and sleep lots...but doorbells and telephones have had different ideas!

but you read that right, my laptop is coming tomorrow :D yey!! sometime between 8am-1pm...you can guarentee it'll be 8am!
also tomorrow I'm going to visit my cousin before going on to visit wales with Hannah (we're doing it to prove a point!) so hopefully my laptop will come before we leave.

other than that, I have been packing today, I've packed my shoes/coats and most of my kitchen stuff and most of my bathroom stuff! tis very weird but exciting to be packing up my life like this.
that's all for today, am sure I'll blog before I leave on saturday
much love xxx

we have a new doorbell

after a repeat of the events in my last blog this morning (spontaneously ringing doorbell waking me up) I decided enough was enough! after consulting my dad about which one he wanted, I went and bought a doorbell, I also managed to find the special batteries all on my own :) I tried to install it myself too but it needed new holes drilled and that's where I drew the line! but I felt pretty pleased with myself and hopefully tomorrow I won't be woken by silly ringing doorbells!

exciting news: my laptop is finally in the delivery stage! after being told it was delayed and might not be here in time for me going to university, it may be here by the end of the week :D

although you can just imagine that it'll now be delivered early one morning and the doorbell will wake me up anyway! typical!

my birthday last weekend was brilliant :) I had a really good day on friday (the day before) too, I had a haircut and my mum had booked a suprise manicure for me so that was fun. and then we had the Space leavers dinner which was alot of fun. Gareth, Anna, Hannah and I were on a table together which was next to another table with lots of nice people on. we had dinner, chatted and then had some awards given out...I received the 'Andy's Slave' Award for stuffing a million envelopes!! which was funny :) I also got a special thanks for the work I did during my gap year which was nice...they got me a High School Musical folder & stationery set! there's a photo of the moment I got it and the look of pure joy and excitement is ridiculous!
on saturday we had about 40 people at our house for my birthday BBQ, it was such a good party! the people basically split into two catergories, the adults/parents of families and my friends/youth. there was some overlap throughout the afternoon but mostly people were in those groups and I was quite happy to flit between the two :) most of the families left about 3pm but my friends and youth type people stayed until 7ish playing wii and just chilling. and I still had the evening to hang out with my family.
I got so many cards and presents :) I felt very loved, particularly from people who I wasn't expecting anything from! just seeing all these people want to come and spend my birthday with me was very sweet and made me feel special!

this week I am busy packing and sorting stuff for uni but I will post in the next couple of days about that!
for now I'm going to go crash in front of the TV!
much love xxx

spontaneously ringing doorbells

today I was woken by our doorbell spontaneously ringing...again and again and again!
it's been doing it on and off this week, which is very confusing coz you wonder if someone is there but when you go to the door there is no-one and it's still ringing!
yesterday PJ changed the ring setting and it seemed to be fixed but this morning it rang, so I pulled myself out of bed to look out the window (no-one there), it rang again a few minutes later (no-one there), then it rang a total of 8 times which is how long it took me to get downstairs and disconnect the front of the button outside, which appears to have stopped it from ringing....now I just have to hope that people just knock on the door instead of trying to fix our doorbell....

in other news, tomorrow is the Space Leavers Dinner, very exciting, we're going to a restaurant in town and it should be good fun. both Anna and Hannah are coming so I won't be on my own and its really my chance to say goodbye to Space people, I'll probably tag along to the social on sunday night but that's more about welcoming new people whereas the dinner is about saying goodbye to us people going to university.
saturday is my birthday :D it's kind of snuck (I originally wrote 'sneaked' but was corrected by Kat and my mum) up on me, what with holiday club and getting stuff ready for university, it's suddenly nearly my birthday! I'm having a BBQ at my house with quite alot of people, after the kids play area company went into liquidation and I could no longer have it there, it kind of became a slightly more open invitation so hopefully lots of people will come along to celebrate with me and also it's almost a 'going away to uni' party too so will be saying bye to some people :(

in final news, my mum and my godmother have both got blogs now! Auntie A decided to get one because she reads mine and some others and decided that since she's about to go on a trip to the Dominican Republic with a team of doctors and nurses from the hospital where she works in the USA, that she might as well keep people up to date with a blog and also her eldest son has just left for uni. this led my mum to decide that over 40's could have blogs too (although I keep forgetting that both my mum and godmother are over 40!) so started one herself! will be nice once I'm off at uni to be able to read about what they're doing at home :)

that's all, off to learn how to clean a bathroom (something I need to know for uni!)
much love xxx