Dad is home :D we missed him ALOT!
PJ & I are hosting a Murder Mystery tomorrow.
The whole family spent the evening watching Wimbledon (come on Murray!!...although it always amuses me coz our youth worker- my old boss- is also called Andy Murray!)
The sun was shining and it was very hot today.
All in all...a family filled, very lovely day :D
Much love xxx
Monday, 29 June 2009
Sunday, 28 June 2009
a good day
This day is a good day :)
Despite hardly sleeping last night, I managed to drag myself out of bed for Godzone- due to an injury to one of our leaders (and his wife having to be home to look after him) we were down two leaders which meant I ended up leading 2 groups! Fortunately their daughter came and was able to lead one of the groups. But I still had 2 groups, so Kat and I merged all our groups (3 groups in total, Indigo, Blue & Green for those in the know) and did small group time together.
It wasn't a super-special Godzone, it was just a normal and nice Godzone which was exactly what I needed.
Then we had a BBQ for lunch which was lovely, just Mum, PJ, his Hannah and me. Good food, bit of sunshine, followed by a game of mahjongg :)
And then I spent the rest of the afternoon mooching around. Later we're off to the evening service, PJ's in the band and Hannah is doing a talk (she's nervous but I'm confident she'll be good). It's on communion and should be a good service.
Tomorrow I'm picking Dad up from the airport- that's right he's finally coming home :D
All in all, the sun is shining, I've got some new summery clothes, and today has been a good day!
Much love xxx
Despite hardly sleeping last night, I managed to drag myself out of bed for Godzone- due to an injury to one of our leaders (and his wife having to be home to look after him) we were down two leaders which meant I ended up leading 2 groups! Fortunately their daughter came and was able to lead one of the groups. But I still had 2 groups, so Kat and I merged all our groups (3 groups in total, Indigo, Blue & Green for those in the know) and did small group time together.
It wasn't a super-special Godzone, it was just a normal and nice Godzone which was exactly what I needed.
Then we had a BBQ for lunch which was lovely, just Mum, PJ, his Hannah and me. Good food, bit of sunshine, followed by a game of mahjongg :)
And then I spent the rest of the afternoon mooching around. Later we're off to the evening service, PJ's in the band and Hannah is doing a talk (she's nervous but I'm confident she'll be good). It's on communion and should be a good service.
Tomorrow I'm picking Dad up from the airport- that's right he's finally coming home :D
All in all, the sun is shining, I've got some new summery clothes, and today has been a good day!
Much love xxx
Friday, 26 June 2009
apologies
I have debated about whether to write this blog...is it worth acknowledging the comment? But I maintain that my blog is about my life. I write in it for myself, to vent and release my emotions. I write about pretty much everything and anything that bothers me, worries me or stresses me out.
My post on michael jackson was a one-off, I rarely write blogs about the world, mostly I just write about my life. So today when I find a comment on that blog I was surprised...mostly only my family and friends comment on my blog. The comment said something along the lines of:
"I'm not hugely bothered he's died" that's not a very christian thing to say. and I'm sure his family, friends and fans are just as devastated as you will be when your grandad dies.
And this hurt me. I don't know the person who wrote it and thankfully I moderate all of my comments, but it still hurt. I didn't mean to offend anyone with my blog on MJ, I didn't even know anyone outside my family and friends would read it. It's not that I don't feel bad for MJ's family and loved ones, I feel sorry for his children like I would any child who lost a parent. But personally I wasn't a fan of his music, I didn't look up to him as an icon, so therefore I wasn't personally affected by his death.
My grandpa's death will greatly affect me, I wouldn't expect a stranger to care though.
I'm sorry if someone felt I was being heartless by saying I wasn't bothered by MJ's death. It's not right that someone of his age should die...but it's also not right that a toddler is beaten to death by a teenager and it only gets a one-liner in the news because the media is so consumed with MJ tributes. I think his family should get to grieve in peace instead.
Like I said, I wasn't sure whether to blog about this because to acknowledge the comment might not be worth it, but this blog is about my life, about what I feel, it's a place where I can come to let out my emotions in a way that helps me.
And I will continue to do that.
Much love xxx
My post on michael jackson was a one-off, I rarely write blogs about the world, mostly I just write about my life. So today when I find a comment on that blog I was surprised...mostly only my family and friends comment on my blog. The comment said something along the lines of:
"I'm not hugely bothered he's died" that's not a very christian thing to say. and I'm sure his family, friends and fans are just as devastated as you will be when your grandad dies.
And this hurt me. I don't know the person who wrote it and thankfully I moderate all of my comments, but it still hurt. I didn't mean to offend anyone with my blog on MJ, I didn't even know anyone outside my family and friends would read it. It's not that I don't feel bad for MJ's family and loved ones, I feel sorry for his children like I would any child who lost a parent. But personally I wasn't a fan of his music, I didn't look up to him as an icon, so therefore I wasn't personally affected by his death.
My grandpa's death will greatly affect me, I wouldn't expect a stranger to care though.
I'm sorry if someone felt I was being heartless by saying I wasn't bothered by MJ's death. It's not right that someone of his age should die...but it's also not right that a toddler is beaten to death by a teenager and it only gets a one-liner in the news because the media is so consumed with MJ tributes. I think his family should get to grieve in peace instead.
Like I said, I wasn't sure whether to blog about this because to acknowledge the comment might not be worth it, but this blog is about my life, about what I feel, it's a place where I can come to let out my emotions in a way that helps me.
And I will continue to do that.
Much love xxx
Thursday, 25 June 2009
no escape
I have just blogged about the whole MJ thing...but I thought I should also blog about my day...
We (Mum, PJ and I) travelled to Loughborough for a uni open day for PJ...I decided to go because I've done this before and I wanted to give advice and pass on my worldly knowledge...I don't know alot but I do know about applying to uni.
Started out ok, until we tried to walk somewhere and PJ took the map and said he knew where he was going and didn't listen to me...
Simply he was being a man and wanting to map read...
I managed to blow this up into 'he doesn't accept my advice because he doesn't think I know what I'm talking about but I do know what I'm talking about I don't know alot about science or geography but I know about uni and he doesn't care!!'
Mum then told me that I was blowing it out of proportion...well duh! but telling me that doesn't help me calm down! it just upsets me more! and even if I am blowing it out of proportion, I'm still feeling every emotion :(
Anyway I was grumpy and quiet for a while and then we all stopped and talked about it...and Mum made the point that everything with Grandma & Grandpa is always there...
And she's right...it was the stupidest thing to get upset over, but my emotions are all over the place because of the anticipatory grief and something as small as a spat with PJ means I get really upset. I'm just close to tears so often and anything can set it off...I hate it :( I love my grandparents so much but I really hope this is all over soon...for them as much as for us...
Anyway after I sorted myself out, we had a good day :) PJ did want my advice...not overally so, this is his experience and I don't want to take that away, but he does want my advice...so that's good :) I will watch myself and try not to take over but will be here to answer questions if he wants.
So it was a good day, nice uni, I wore flip-flops which rubbed my feet alot coz we were late for a talk and walking fast, so I changed into my other shoes (I came prepared) which just decided to rub the other parts of my feet :( worst blisters I've had in a while! Had a foot-spa when I got home which has helped.
Tomorrow I'm helping out at the foodbank run by church, and finishing the study (I still need to paint words on the wall...yep I haven't done it yet but as long as it's done before Dad gets back that's fine!) and then in the evening Mum, PJ, his Hannah and I are going to the cinema to see My Sister's Keeper...should be a good day :)
Right, I'm off to bed, BBC have confirmed MJ is dead, time to sleep now!
Much love xxx
We (Mum, PJ and I) travelled to Loughborough for a uni open day for PJ...I decided to go because I've done this before and I wanted to give advice and pass on my worldly knowledge...I don't know alot but I do know about applying to uni.
Started out ok, until we tried to walk somewhere and PJ took the map and said he knew where he was going and didn't listen to me...
Simply he was being a man and wanting to map read...
I managed to blow this up into 'he doesn't accept my advice because he doesn't think I know what I'm talking about but I do know what I'm talking about I don't know alot about science or geography but I know about uni and he doesn't care!!'
Mum then told me that I was blowing it out of proportion...well duh! but telling me that doesn't help me calm down! it just upsets me more! and even if I am blowing it out of proportion, I'm still feeling every emotion :(
Anyway I was grumpy and quiet for a while and then we all stopped and talked about it...and Mum made the point that everything with Grandma & Grandpa is always there...
And she's right...it was the stupidest thing to get upset over, but my emotions are all over the place because of the anticipatory grief and something as small as a spat with PJ means I get really upset. I'm just close to tears so often and anything can set it off...I hate it :( I love my grandparents so much but I really hope this is all over soon...for them as much as for us...
Anyway after I sorted myself out, we had a good day :) PJ did want my advice...not overally so, this is his experience and I don't want to take that away, but he does want my advice...so that's good :) I will watch myself and try not to take over but will be here to answer questions if he wants.
So it was a good day, nice uni, I wore flip-flops which rubbed my feet alot coz we were late for a talk and walking fast, so I changed into my other shoes (I came prepared) which just decided to rub the other parts of my feet :( worst blisters I've had in a while! Had a foot-spa when I got home which has helped.
Tomorrow I'm helping out at the foodbank run by church, and finishing the study (I still need to paint words on the wall...yep I haven't done it yet but as long as it's done before Dad gets back that's fine!) and then in the evening Mum, PJ, his Hannah and I are going to the cinema to see My Sister's Keeper...should be a good day :)
Right, I'm off to bed, BBC have confirmed MJ is dead, time to sleep now!
Much love xxx
MJ: dead, coma, publicity stunt?
I was about to go to bed, and then facebook exploded!
...ok, not literally but suddenly about 10 different friends had statuses (statii?) saying that Michael Jackson was dead...
I had read earlier that he'd been taken to hospital suffering a heart attack...
now there are some sources saying he's dead, some saying he's in a coma...some people on facebook saying it's all a publicity stunt...
frankly I've never been a huge fan of MJ but watching the news of his possible death spread is fascinating!
BBC news 24 have a helicopter outside the hospital, people all over facebook are talking about it, every news station and newspaper and gossip site is writing about it, people are gathering outside the hospital in LA...seriously?!?
people are comparing this to Princess Di! it just isn't the same thing!
alright so he's a famous star and figure, people had paid lots of money for tickets to his new show, there's not alot else to talk about today...
I'm not hugely bothered that he may have died, but I am now watching bbc news 24 to hear what's happening because it's fascinating to watch the world react to his death.
Anyway, that's all I'm writing about, my day was alright, a bit up and down- will blog a seperate blog about that but for now:
Michael Jackson has/hasn't died (delete as appropriate depending on when you read this)...
...ok, not literally but suddenly about 10 different friends had statuses (statii?) saying that Michael Jackson was dead...
I had read earlier that he'd been taken to hospital suffering a heart attack...
now there are some sources saying he's dead, some saying he's in a coma...some people on facebook saying it's all a publicity stunt...
frankly I've never been a huge fan of MJ but watching the news of his possible death spread is fascinating!
BBC news 24 have a helicopter outside the hospital, people all over facebook are talking about it, every news station and newspaper and gossip site is writing about it, people are gathering outside the hospital in LA...seriously?!?
people are comparing this to Princess Di! it just isn't the same thing!
alright so he's a famous star and figure, people had paid lots of money for tickets to his new show, there's not alot else to talk about today...
I'm not hugely bothered that he may have died, but I am now watching bbc news 24 to hear what's happening because it's fascinating to watch the world react to his death.
Anyway, that's all I'm writing about, my day was alright, a bit up and down- will blog a seperate blog about that but for now:
Michael Jackson has/hasn't died (delete as appropriate depending on when you read this)...
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
I'll second that!
My mum has blogged about what a difference sunshine makes (http://kalbrombley.blogspot.com/2009/06/what-difference-some-sunshine-makes.html) and I have to second that sentiment :)
I haven't really done anything today and I'm very happy with that! This week for me is all about relaxing and recooperating after a busy week last week. I have some things on this week but nothing major- just bits and pieces.
But sunshine makes a difference :) it means that everyone is happier and because it's the summer the sunshine lasts right into the evening which is very nice!
This is just a short blog but that's ok, it's nice to write a short and happy blog rather than a long blog full of grief...and it's especially nice today coz we're in the countdown to Dad being home (6 days!)...it's the first trip where I've really missed him and I'm sure that's because of all the stuff with Grandma and Grandpa but I think it's brought us all closer...I don't really know what I'm trying to say...never mind!
Enjoy the sunshine!
Much love xxx
I haven't really done anything today and I'm very happy with that! This week for me is all about relaxing and recooperating after a busy week last week. I have some things on this week but nothing major- just bits and pieces.
But sunshine makes a difference :) it means that everyone is happier and because it's the summer the sunshine lasts right into the evening which is very nice!
This is just a short blog but that's ok, it's nice to write a short and happy blog rather than a long blog full of grief...and it's especially nice today coz we're in the countdown to Dad being home (6 days!)...it's the first trip where I've really missed him and I'm sure that's because of all the stuff with Grandma and Grandpa but I think it's brought us all closer...I don't really know what I'm trying to say...never mind!
Enjoy the sunshine!
Much love xxx
Monday, 22 June 2009
To Wales and back again
Yesterday PJ and I drove to Wales to pick up Hannah (his Hannah) from Snowdon where she had just completed the 3 peak challenge (well done to her!!), now I love Wales, I do, but that was a loooooong drive! She is completely worth it, of course :) but it was 4 and a half hours each way!
Fortunately Hannah finished later than we thought she would so I had a good couple of hours break in between, small doze in the car and lots of food & caffiene to keep my energy up!
I even managed to let PJ have a sleep on the way back, Hannah was always going to sleep but PJ was there to keep me awake...however the delay meant we weren't home until 1am and with PJ having school today I wanted to let him have a bit of a sleep and it wasn't until the last hour that I really needed someone to talk to.
My back aches and I'm still tired today but I slept well and it was good to be in Wales again :D literally as soon as we crossed the border everything became so Welsh! the scenery and the people and everything! I love it!
I bought a small souvenier, of course :)
I had to get Mum to cancel my nurse's appointment this morning (it's time for my 6 monthly blood test) because I knew I couldn't handle getting up early for it! I'll have to rebook but it's not urgent.
Today I plan to watch tv, see a couple of friends maybe, play Sims 3 and mostly just mooch around and relax a bit.
Busy week last week and long trip yesterday means that I am very very happy that this week is quieter :)
In other news, the submission workshop I had on Friday has scared the hell outta me and I've joked about quitting social work and doing fine art instead...I don't mean it obviously but suddenly I've realised how much work there is for next year! I knew it was coming but it's still alot of information to get in one day!
Dad's coming home in a week :D in fact this time in a week I'll be picking him up from the airport! which I'm very happy about. Grandpa is still alive but definitely getting worse, having more bad days and needing more meds. At this point though it's looking like Dad will be home by the time he dies which is a good thing I think. Mum did point out that it could time out that he dies just before PJ and I go to America...I hadn't thought about that...I always thought it would happen way before that...I think we'd still go, Grandpa wouldn't want us to cancel a trip like that for him, but it'd be hard.
Anyway, that's a thought for another day...today I'm just going to relax :)
Much love xxx
Fortunately Hannah finished later than we thought she would so I had a good couple of hours break in between, small doze in the car and lots of food & caffiene to keep my energy up!
I even managed to let PJ have a sleep on the way back, Hannah was always going to sleep but PJ was there to keep me awake...however the delay meant we weren't home until 1am and with PJ having school today I wanted to let him have a bit of a sleep and it wasn't until the last hour that I really needed someone to talk to.
My back aches and I'm still tired today but I slept well and it was good to be in Wales again :D literally as soon as we crossed the border everything became so Welsh! the scenery and the people and everything! I love it!
I bought a small souvenier, of course :)
I had to get Mum to cancel my nurse's appointment this morning (it's time for my 6 monthly blood test) because I knew I couldn't handle getting up early for it! I'll have to rebook but it's not urgent.
Today I plan to watch tv, see a couple of friends maybe, play Sims 3 and mostly just mooch around and relax a bit.
Busy week last week and long trip yesterday means that I am very very happy that this week is quieter :)
In other news, the submission workshop I had on Friday has scared the hell outta me and I've joked about quitting social work and doing fine art instead...I don't mean it obviously but suddenly I've realised how much work there is for next year! I knew it was coming but it's still alot of information to get in one day!
Dad's coming home in a week :D in fact this time in a week I'll be picking him up from the airport! which I'm very happy about. Grandpa is still alive but definitely getting worse, having more bad days and needing more meds. At this point though it's looking like Dad will be home by the time he dies which is a good thing I think. Mum did point out that it could time out that he dies just before PJ and I go to America...I hadn't thought about that...I always thought it would happen way before that...I think we'd still go, Grandpa wouldn't want us to cancel a trip like that for him, but it'd be hard.
Anyway, that's a thought for another day...today I'm just going to relax :)
Much love xxx
Friday, 19 June 2009
ooooh...
I woke up this morning and realised I should do a short blog- the reason I've been writing in mine so much is with Dad in America and the time difference, our family has pretty much been keeping each other up to date through our blogs (handy thing, the internet...)
So Wednesday went well, Ruth looked gorgeous and I had fun with her, Val and Shelby-Lou who is getting cuter each time I see her!
Yesterday I had a training day at work which turned out better than I thought! With no kids there and more staff than normal around (coz we were being trained) it was like there was something in the air and all we did was make jokes and laugh! which wasn't good when we were trying to be trained so we had to calm ourselves a bit...but that went out the window when we got the chance to hoist each other! which is one of the scariest things I've ever done! but so much fun too :D
And then I met Teresa & Claire to go see our house!!! Claire's first time seeing it and she loved it (which is good coz we already signed contracts!) and our landlord went over some details with us and we're all very excited about 'our house' now!
After that we had dinner out with another friend and then came back to mine to watch a movie (tried to watch Hairspray but Claire didn't like it...I know, I was shocked too...so watched 50 first dates instead which was alot of fun).
Today I'm off to another workshop at uni, so I'm up already, Claire & Teresa are about to get up so that I can drop them in Oxford on my way in. It's been alot of fun seeing them and it's a shame we haven't had much time together...this is my fault coz I ended up much busier this week than I planned and with things I couldn't cancel :(
Never mind!
This weekend I'm using Saturday to sleep and re-cooperate and also finish the study (final touches need doing), oh and I need to food shop. And on Sunday PJ and I are off to Snowden to pick up Hannah after her 3 peaks challenge! Should be a fun road trip :D
Especially if you guys remember my last trip to Wales...(I just went to find the link to the blog I wrote about it and suddenly realised I never blogged about it!)
Right, off to have some breakfast...
Much love xxx
So Wednesday went well, Ruth looked gorgeous and I had fun with her, Val and Shelby-Lou who is getting cuter each time I see her!
Yesterday I had a training day at work which turned out better than I thought! With no kids there and more staff than normal around (coz we were being trained) it was like there was something in the air and all we did was make jokes and laugh! which wasn't good when we were trying to be trained so we had to calm ourselves a bit...but that went out the window when we got the chance to hoist each other! which is one of the scariest things I've ever done! but so much fun too :D
And then I met Teresa & Claire to go see our house!!! Claire's first time seeing it and she loved it (which is good coz we already signed contracts!) and our landlord went over some details with us and we're all very excited about 'our house' now!
After that we had dinner out with another friend and then came back to mine to watch a movie (tried to watch Hairspray but Claire didn't like it...I know, I was shocked too...so watched 50 first dates instead which was alot of fun).
Today I'm off to another workshop at uni, so I'm up already, Claire & Teresa are about to get up so that I can drop them in Oxford on my way in. It's been alot of fun seeing them and it's a shame we haven't had much time together...this is my fault coz I ended up much busier this week than I planned and with things I couldn't cancel :(
Never mind!
This weekend I'm using Saturday to sleep and re-cooperate and also finish the study (final touches need doing), oh and I need to food shop. And on Sunday PJ and I are off to Snowden to pick up Hannah after her 3 peaks challenge! Should be a fun road trip :D
Especially if you guys remember my last trip to Wales...(I just went to find the link to the blog I wrote about it and suddenly realised I never blogged about it!)
Right, off to have some breakfast...
Much love xxx
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Strange feeling
This morning I got woken up by my alarm and immediately started to move out of bed 'I need to get up, have a shower, get ready to go, I need to leave in like...oh not for another hour and a half!' so I laid back down and allowed myself to wake up naturally.
I'd deliberately set my alarm so I'd have loads of time but my first thought was that I had to rush coz I must have somewhere to be soon.
After a few weeks of lie-in's and then the last 6 days of getting up early, my body clock is just very confused...it was strange!
And now I've suddenly realised that I need to leave in half an hour...how did I just waste that last hour!
I'm off to Trowbridge for Ruth's wedding dress fitting which should be good fun, nice to see her again and can't wait to see this dress!
Much love xxx
I'd deliberately set my alarm so I'd have loads of time but my first thought was that I had to rush coz I must have somewhere to be soon.
After a few weeks of lie-in's and then the last 6 days of getting up early, my body clock is just very confused...it was strange!
And now I've suddenly realised that I need to leave in half an hour...how did I just waste that last hour!
I'm off to Trowbridge for Ruth's wedding dress fitting which should be good fun, nice to see her again and can't wait to see this dress!
Much love xxx
Monday, 15 June 2009
Flat
Today was an interesting day- I am still so pleased about my results but it doesn't take away from the fact that I still feel flat.
I'm tired and teary and I don't have the energy to slap on my happy face and pretend to be enjoying myself.
I either need to be around people who distract me with stupid conversations about nothing or people who I can be honest with about how much I'm struggling...and some people don't fit either of those categories and it's not their fault but I don't have the energy to carry the conversations or make an effort sometimes and that unfortunately results in a breakdown of communication.
I do have good moments...honestly I do, it's not just doom and gloom...just now I said something to PJ that wasn't that funny but it had me in giggles for about 5 minutes. And that felt good :) just to be distracted by unrelated stuff- and that doesn't include hearing about other people's problems...it's hard to care about some of my friends mundane problems when I'm feeling this grief, and I feel bad coz any other time I would be right there to give the 'good friend' advice but right now I can't and frankly if they haven't noticed that I'm going through a tough time and don't bother to ask if I'm ok, then they don't deserve my 'good friend' advice anyway!!! (btw Hannah- if you are at this point thinking that I'm including you in this then you better remove that thought from your head before I slap it out myself :p you are family and you check on me first so stop thinking it!)
But it's hard for me to think these things about my friends coz it feels like a selfish thing to think 'ask about me. talk about me. care about me!' but I'm not a selfish person...I'm nagging and impatient and boring and alot of other things...but I'm not selfish and normally I wouldn't be thinking that I need my friends to be supporting me but right now I think its ok to insist upon that, right?
And there are some diamonds amongst the rough, Dina and Kate and Teresa and my Hannah are like angels sent to watch over me. A text or phone call just when I need it, a conversation about nothing to distract me, the reassurance that I could call any or all of them at any time of day or night and they would be there for me. Friends like that are invaluable.
This blog was going to be about how I still feel flat but really it turned into a small rant about some people and a tribute to my friends.
My blog in general used to be about me complaining about exams and family and meaningless things...and I'm sure it'll go back to that at some point...but for now, the biggest thing in my life is my grandparents and their ever-declining health, and that means that my blog is overshadowed by that. I'm sorry if it's a bit depressing!
That's all- I'm still happy about results, enjoying workshops at uni and the support of my friends. Life isn't all bad, it's just hard to pull past the sad emotions.
Much love xxx
I'm tired and teary and I don't have the energy to slap on my happy face and pretend to be enjoying myself.
I either need to be around people who distract me with stupid conversations about nothing or people who I can be honest with about how much I'm struggling...and some people don't fit either of those categories and it's not their fault but I don't have the energy to carry the conversations or make an effort sometimes and that unfortunately results in a breakdown of communication.
I do have good moments...honestly I do, it's not just doom and gloom...just now I said something to PJ that wasn't that funny but it had me in giggles for about 5 minutes. And that felt good :) just to be distracted by unrelated stuff- and that doesn't include hearing about other people's problems...it's hard to care about some of my friends mundane problems when I'm feeling this grief, and I feel bad coz any other time I would be right there to give the 'good friend' advice but right now I can't and frankly if they haven't noticed that I'm going through a tough time and don't bother to ask if I'm ok, then they don't deserve my 'good friend' advice anyway!!! (btw Hannah- if you are at this point thinking that I'm including you in this then you better remove that thought from your head before I slap it out myself :p you are family and you check on me first so stop thinking it!)
But it's hard for me to think these things about my friends coz it feels like a selfish thing to think 'ask about me. talk about me. care about me!' but I'm not a selfish person...I'm nagging and impatient and boring and alot of other things...but I'm not selfish and normally I wouldn't be thinking that I need my friends to be supporting me but right now I think its ok to insist upon that, right?
And there are some diamonds amongst the rough, Dina and Kate and Teresa and my Hannah are like angels sent to watch over me. A text or phone call just when I need it, a conversation about nothing to distract me, the reassurance that I could call any or all of them at any time of day or night and they would be there for me. Friends like that are invaluable.
This blog was going to be about how I still feel flat but really it turned into a small rant about some people and a tribute to my friends.
My blog in general used to be about me complaining about exams and family and meaningless things...and I'm sure it'll go back to that at some point...but for now, the biggest thing in my life is my grandparents and their ever-declining health, and that means that my blog is overshadowed by that. I'm sorry if it's a bit depressing!
That's all- I'm still happy about results, enjoying workshops at uni and the support of my friends. Life isn't all bad, it's just hard to pull past the sad emotions.
Much love xxx
RESULTS!!!!!
I got my results and I did well...very well :D
Here's what I thought I'd get:
Human Growth & Development 2- B or C
Social Policy- D or fail (I would've been chuffed with a C but honestly thought I would fail...it wasn't my best work)
Law- B+ or possibly an A
Fit for Practice 2- Ungraded Pass
Here's what I got:
HG&D- B+
Social Policy- B (hahaha I have no idea how!)
Law- A
F4P2- Ungraded Pass
I'm so happy :D :D :D
xxxx
Here's what I thought I'd get:
Human Growth & Development 2- B or C
Social Policy- D or fail (I would've been chuffed with a C but honestly thought I would fail...it wasn't my best work)
Law- B+ or possibly an A
Fit for Practice 2- Ungraded Pass
Here's what I got:
HG&D- B+
Social Policy- B (hahaha I have no idea how!)
Law- A
F4P2- Ungraded Pass
I'm so happy :D :D :D
xxxx
Sunday, 14 June 2009
Feeling flat but not so bad
Today I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday (PJ and I made up but it wasn't even about him, I was so upset and everything came crashing down and I cried alot and ended up sleeping in with Mum!) but I still feel kinda flat. Today was alright, some good bits, some not so good.
Danni's now here coz we have this workshop the next few days, we're watching Harry Potter before getting an early night. Results in the morning too!
That's all to say I think :)
Much love xxx
Danni's now here coz we have this workshop the next few days, we're watching Harry Potter before getting an early night. Results in the morning too!
That's all to say I think :)
Much love xxx
Saturday, 13 June 2009
A better day...sort of...
Up until about 5 minutes ago, today was a much better day.
This morning Mum & I wandered into town, got a Costa's and did a bit of shopping. Then I had lunch with my Hannah which was really nice. The sun was out and I spent the afternoon being lazy and doing bits and pieces around the house. This evening we taught Hannah (PJ's Hannah) how to play Mahjong which was fun. Then we ended up playing a random game of scattergories which was amusing.
Then PJ discovered that I'd fraped him. This started a couple of days ago, whilst on my laptop he changed my facebook status to say that I smelled...and I was sat next to him. And since then he's used my laptop a couple of times and left me various notes saying 'frape'...not coz he'd fraped me but coz he could've and was just taunting me. (Let me explain- 'frape' is facebook rape...it involves gaining access to someone else's facebook profile and changing things. It can range from super mean i.e. writing obscene and sexual things to their parents and changing their statuses. all the way to the nice i.e. PJ fraped his Hannah last night and just changed her status to say how much she loved PJ).
I suddenly realised then I knew PJ's password so got into his account, changed his 'about me' info to say things like 'i love hanging out with my sister, she's the most amazing person, so smart and brilliant' and writing to his Hannah and Mum to say how amazing I am, except it looked like he had written it.
I thought this was genius and very funny. Especially since I did it at 1pm and he only just realised.
However PJ didn't think it was funny...he's mad. And managed to make me go from feeling happy to crappy in the space of 5 minutes.
I thought it was a funny joke, Hannah had laughed, Mum had laughed (although warning me that PJ might not find it funny) and I would've laughed if he'd done the same thing to me so I thought he would laugh. He didn't.
Guess I got that one wrong and now I feel like crap. I feel flat and horrible.
I think the process of fraping PJ had distracted me and cheered me up and I had built up what his reaction would be; that he would laugh and pretend to be mad and we would banter and it would feel like life was normal again.
Now I'm back to feeling low and horrible again. It's amazing how something so small can change your entire day.
This morning Mum & I wandered into town, got a Costa's and did a bit of shopping. Then I had lunch with my Hannah which was really nice. The sun was out and I spent the afternoon being lazy and doing bits and pieces around the house. This evening we taught Hannah (PJ's Hannah) how to play Mahjong which was fun. Then we ended up playing a random game of scattergories which was amusing.
Then PJ discovered that I'd fraped him. This started a couple of days ago, whilst on my laptop he changed my facebook status to say that I smelled...and I was sat next to him. And since then he's used my laptop a couple of times and left me various notes saying 'frape'...not coz he'd fraped me but coz he could've and was just taunting me. (Let me explain- 'frape' is facebook rape...it involves gaining access to someone else's facebook profile and changing things. It can range from super mean i.e. writing obscene and sexual things to their parents and changing their statuses. all the way to the nice i.e. PJ fraped his Hannah last night and just changed her status to say how much she loved PJ).
I suddenly realised then I knew PJ's password so got into his account, changed his 'about me' info to say things like 'i love hanging out with my sister, she's the most amazing person, so smart and brilliant' and writing to his Hannah and Mum to say how amazing I am, except it looked like he had written it.
I thought this was genius and very funny. Especially since I did it at 1pm and he only just realised.
However PJ didn't think it was funny...he's mad. And managed to make me go from feeling happy to crappy in the space of 5 minutes.
I thought it was a funny joke, Hannah had laughed, Mum had laughed (although warning me that PJ might not find it funny) and I would've laughed if he'd done the same thing to me so I thought he would laugh. He didn't.
Guess I got that one wrong and now I feel like crap. I feel flat and horrible.
I think the process of fraping PJ had distracted me and cheered me up and I had built up what his reaction would be; that he would laugh and pretend to be mad and we would banter and it would feel like life was normal again.
Now I'm back to feeling low and horrible again. It's amazing how something so small can change your entire day.
Friday, 12 June 2009
Today
I was asked earlier how today went...'Good' isn't really the right answer because how could this day have been good in any way, shape or form.
It went as well as could be expected.
For those who don't know, today Mum, PJ and I went over to see my grandparents and although it might not be the case, there's a good chance today was our 'last goodbye' to Grandpa. Although the hospital have retracted their original '2-3 weeks' they still encouraged the family to be visiting to see him for possibly the last time. Mum pulled PJ out of school (a planned absence and supported by his teachers) and we went over.
The whole ride there we talked as normal but I knew I wasn't the only one who was having a second conversation in my head that involved entirely around my grandparents.
I don't know if it's coz they were doing alright or because they were making an extra effort for us, but they were both quite chatty actually. Grandma drifted in and out of the conversation, the way she normally does after one of her 'turns'. Grandpa was upbeat but had needed to get their carer up 3 times in the night for pain meds (especially since he was only prescribed small amounts of morphine...Mum encouraged them to get it upped and that's now happened!).
It was small chit-chat, telling them what we were up to and what our plans for the summer were...normal stuff but for me it was very much about wanting possibly my last conversation with Grandpa to be one where I made him smile and where he knew that I was there because I love him.
I hope I managed that.
Grandma was a bit teary the whole time we were there...I think both she and Grandpa know exactly why we were there.
And now we're home.
And after today life goes on for a bit.
But for today I think we're all just very sad.
Together as a family, we are uniting to support each other through the sadness.
I cried in the car and again at home...the first week or so I didn't cry at all and it made me feel sick (I feel sick and horrible when I'm stressed and anxious and if I'm not letting it out then my body decides to feel it somehow). And again today I started to feel sick...so I let myself feel it, I let myself cry. I had to.
PJ was ok, typical Brombley male, putting it in another part of his brain for now.
Then this evening Mum cried. The first time I've seen her let it out and it set me off again. I didn't think I was being much help since I was just crying myself so I did the only thing I could...I texted Dad. Even thousands of miles away I knew he would call if I asked him to and I knew Mum needed to hear from him....actually I think I needed to hear from him too.
We have some amazing friends and family supporting us; James came round this evening on a mission from Dad to give Mum a hug...there's something different about a man hug. Hannah texted me to check up on me and sent hugs via PJ and has been invaluble in supporting us (I know she reads my blog and I want her to know how much I love her for it). Val, Ivor & Ruth had lunch with us and despite going through the same as us we're supporting each other. Teresa, Hannah, Kate and Dina have all held me up the last few weeks- Teresa was on the other end of the phone when I needed her, Kate too has been boosting me up and helping me stay strong. Hannah (my Hannah, not PJ's Hannah) has just been a friend, distracting me by doing normal friend stuff...talking if I want to talk about it but if not providing other conversation so I don't have to think. And Dina...I hadn't realised until we finished for the summer quite how much I need Dina...she has become one of my best friends and despite being miles away in Holland, amidst her own family sadness, she has been there for me..possibly because she knows how I'm feeling.
I thank God so much for these people, what I would do without them I do not know.
Like I said, tomorrow life will go on, normal things will start again (lunch with friends, church, results day, work training, uni workshops)...but for today, I'm just going to sit in the sadness and know that I am not alone.
Much love xxx
It went as well as could be expected.
For those who don't know, today Mum, PJ and I went over to see my grandparents and although it might not be the case, there's a good chance today was our 'last goodbye' to Grandpa. Although the hospital have retracted their original '2-3 weeks' they still encouraged the family to be visiting to see him for possibly the last time. Mum pulled PJ out of school (a planned absence and supported by his teachers) and we went over.
The whole ride there we talked as normal but I knew I wasn't the only one who was having a second conversation in my head that involved entirely around my grandparents.
I don't know if it's coz they were doing alright or because they were making an extra effort for us, but they were both quite chatty actually. Grandma drifted in and out of the conversation, the way she normally does after one of her 'turns'. Grandpa was upbeat but had needed to get their carer up 3 times in the night for pain meds (especially since he was only prescribed small amounts of morphine...Mum encouraged them to get it upped and that's now happened!).
It was small chit-chat, telling them what we were up to and what our plans for the summer were...normal stuff but for me it was very much about wanting possibly my last conversation with Grandpa to be one where I made him smile and where he knew that I was there because I love him.
I hope I managed that.
Grandma was a bit teary the whole time we were there...I think both she and Grandpa know exactly why we were there.
And now we're home.
And after today life goes on for a bit.
But for today I think we're all just very sad.
Together as a family, we are uniting to support each other through the sadness.
I cried in the car and again at home...the first week or so I didn't cry at all and it made me feel sick (I feel sick and horrible when I'm stressed and anxious and if I'm not letting it out then my body decides to feel it somehow). And again today I started to feel sick...so I let myself feel it, I let myself cry. I had to.
PJ was ok, typical Brombley male, putting it in another part of his brain for now.
Then this evening Mum cried. The first time I've seen her let it out and it set me off again. I didn't think I was being much help since I was just crying myself so I did the only thing I could...I texted Dad. Even thousands of miles away I knew he would call if I asked him to and I knew Mum needed to hear from him....actually I think I needed to hear from him too.
We have some amazing friends and family supporting us; James came round this evening on a mission from Dad to give Mum a hug...there's something different about a man hug. Hannah texted me to check up on me and sent hugs via PJ and has been invaluble in supporting us (I know she reads my blog and I want her to know how much I love her for it). Val, Ivor & Ruth had lunch with us and despite going through the same as us we're supporting each other. Teresa, Hannah, Kate and Dina have all held me up the last few weeks- Teresa was on the other end of the phone when I needed her, Kate too has been boosting me up and helping me stay strong. Hannah (my Hannah, not PJ's Hannah) has just been a friend, distracting me by doing normal friend stuff...talking if I want to talk about it but if not providing other conversation so I don't have to think. And Dina...I hadn't realised until we finished for the summer quite how much I need Dina...she has become one of my best friends and despite being miles away in Holland, amidst her own family sadness, she has been there for me..possibly because she knows how I'm feeling.
I thank God so much for these people, what I would do without them I do not know.
Like I said, tomorrow life will go on, normal things will start again (lunch with friends, church, results day, work training, uni workshops)...but for today, I'm just going to sit in the sadness and know that I am not alone.
Much love xxx
I am ok, I promise.
I have read my blog back and realised quite how down I sounded...which I was...but I'm ok now. Grandma is ok and that helps alot. Plus I had some amazing friends give support via calls and texts, and Mum, PJ and I are all supporting each other. So the day ended up being alright in the end.
I finished the study (with help from alot of people) and I'm happy with it. And Mum & I went swimming this evening. Plus I even went to tesco's and did a bit of a food shop tonight.
Tomorrow we're going over to visit Grandpa & Grandma...without being overally morbid, this is a sort of chance to possible say our last goodbyes to Grandpa since we can't guarantee we'll see him again before he dies so it's going to be difficult. But we're seeing Val, Ivor & Ruth too (aunt, uncle and cousin) which will be good and we can all support each other.
It does seem like a never-ending rollercoaster and although the 'highs' aren't really highs, I feel as though we've come back up for breath before we head down a dip again tomorrow. And that's a good thing because I'm not sure how I would've been able to put on a brave face and smile at Grandma & Grandpa tomorrow if I still felt like I did this morning.
One silver lining to all this stuff...I've barely thought about results day on Monday! It's coming quickly and I just haven't thought about it that much. Ah well, we'll see what I get, it can't be too bad in comparison to the rest of the stuff.
I'm going to bed to get some good sleep in before tomorrow.
Much love xxx
I finished the study (with help from alot of people) and I'm happy with it. And Mum & I went swimming this evening. Plus I even went to tesco's and did a bit of a food shop tonight.
Tomorrow we're going over to visit Grandpa & Grandma...without being overally morbid, this is a sort of chance to possible say our last goodbyes to Grandpa since we can't guarantee we'll see him again before he dies so it's going to be difficult. But we're seeing Val, Ivor & Ruth too (aunt, uncle and cousin) which will be good and we can all support each other.
It does seem like a never-ending rollercoaster and although the 'highs' aren't really highs, I feel as though we've come back up for breath before we head down a dip again tomorrow. And that's a good thing because I'm not sure how I would've been able to put on a brave face and smile at Grandma & Grandpa tomorrow if I still felt like I did this morning.
One silver lining to all this stuff...I've barely thought about results day on Monday! It's coming quickly and I just haven't thought about it that much. Ah well, we'll see what I get, it can't be too bad in comparison to the rest of the stuff.
I'm going to bed to get some good sleep in before tomorrow.
Much love xxx
Thursday, 11 June 2009
I can't do this anymore
This stupid, never-ending rollercoaster. I can't do it.
Grandpa is home from hospital but Grandma is now in hospital.
And I have to paint gloss work in the study today.
And I can't do it. I can't do stupid mundane things when this keeps happening. And I think this could be bad coz Mum's worried...she didn't say that but I can tell, it's why I always make sure she tells me the news, even if I've heard it from somewhere else first, coz I can tell how serious it is (sorry Mum but I can...even if you don't know how serious it actually is, I can tell how serious you think it could be). Now on the other hand this is what Grandma did about 4 weeks ago (they couldn't wake her up this morning) so she could be in and out of hospital in a day again...and I can also tell that Mum thinks that's a genuine possibility which is good. But we just don't know.
And I can't do this anymore.
Except I kind of have to. Life can't stop for every hospital trip that they do. If it did we'd never do anything! But with Grandpa so close to the end, it feels different this time round.
And I will keep going, I'll take a deep breath, have some breakfast and then wait for Nan to arrive to help me paint. And I'll tell them that I'm ok and that I don't want to talk about it. And really I'm struggling today.
I just had a little cry but managed to call Teresa who was lovely, didn't really say anything but I needed a familiar voice to just calm me and block out my own voice.
I know that both Mum & Dad will read this, really I'm alright, don't worry (especially you Dad). I'm tired too and that never helps. I am going to save this as draft though until Mum has spoken to Dad properly. And we might have more news.
Much love xxx
UPDATE: Grandma had a seizure and they should be discharging her today. I'm feeling much better now (so I re-iterate 'don't worry!' to Mum & Dad) and Mum and I are about to go swimming :) the day got better from how it started!
Grandpa is home from hospital but Grandma is now in hospital.
And I have to paint gloss work in the study today.
And I can't do it. I can't do stupid mundane things when this keeps happening. And I think this could be bad coz Mum's worried...she didn't say that but I can tell, it's why I always make sure she tells me the news, even if I've heard it from somewhere else first, coz I can tell how serious it is (sorry Mum but I can...even if you don't know how serious it actually is, I can tell how serious you think it could be). Now on the other hand this is what Grandma did about 4 weeks ago (they couldn't wake her up this morning) so she could be in and out of hospital in a day again...and I can also tell that Mum thinks that's a genuine possibility which is good. But we just don't know.
And I can't do this anymore.
Except I kind of have to. Life can't stop for every hospital trip that they do. If it did we'd never do anything! But with Grandpa so close to the end, it feels different this time round.
And I will keep going, I'll take a deep breath, have some breakfast and then wait for Nan to arrive to help me paint. And I'll tell them that I'm ok and that I don't want to talk about it. And really I'm struggling today.
I just had a little cry but managed to call Teresa who was lovely, didn't really say anything but I needed a familiar voice to just calm me and block out my own voice.
I know that both Mum & Dad will read this, really I'm alright, don't worry (especially you Dad). I'm tired too and that never helps. I am going to save this as draft though until Mum has spoken to Dad properly. And we might have more news.
Much love xxx
UPDATE: Grandma had a seizure and they should be discharging her today. I'm feeling much better now (so I re-iterate 'don't worry!' to Mum & Dad) and Mum and I are about to go swimming :) the day got better from how it started!
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
following in dad's footsteps
On Monday we had a team day at work and part of it was a session with a speech and language therapist where she taught us sign language.
Now I already know a bit of sign language since we do it for some worship songs at church, and I know the alphabet (I seem to remember being taught it on venture camp many years ago!) but other than that I don't know much.
Dad took a course on it last year or the year before and has gotten particularly good, especially with worship songs.
And now I've followed in his footsteps because I now know over 150 signs!
They are a combination of makaton signs and BSL signs, but they're the ones used for working with children with learning disabilities in Oxfordshire so they are the ones I'll need to know. And they are just key-words because that's what kids tend to respond to.
I now know actions (run, kick, sit), objects (ball, chair, bag, train, swing), animals (duck, crocodile, lion, elephant), food (chocolate, cake, orange, pear), people (mummy, daddy, doctor) and general terms (hello, thankyou, happy, what/where/which/who)
I'm trying to practise them so that I don't forget them but since Dad is in America I can't show him! Ah well, hopefully I'll be super good by the time he gets back and I can show them off!
That's my blog for today (to update you, they've manged to get grandpa home which is good coz he didn't want to die in hospital)
Much love xxx
Now I already know a bit of sign language since we do it for some worship songs at church, and I know the alphabet (I seem to remember being taught it on venture camp many years ago!) but other than that I don't know much.
Dad took a course on it last year or the year before and has gotten particularly good, especially with worship songs.
And now I've followed in his footsteps because I now know over 150 signs!
They are a combination of makaton signs and BSL signs, but they're the ones used for working with children with learning disabilities in Oxfordshire so they are the ones I'll need to know. And they are just key-words because that's what kids tend to respond to.
I now know actions (run, kick, sit), objects (ball, chair, bag, train, swing), animals (duck, crocodile, lion, elephant), food (chocolate, cake, orange, pear), people (mummy, daddy, doctor) and general terms (hello, thankyou, happy, what/where/which/who)
I'm trying to practise them so that I don't forget them but since Dad is in America I can't show him! Ah well, hopefully I'll be super good by the time he gets back and I can show them off!
That's my blog for today (to update you, they've manged to get grandpa home which is good coz he didn't want to die in hospital)
Much love xxx
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
project decoration
ok so my last blog wasn't so cheery...sorry about that.
I spoke to my dad today, who's away in america for the next few weeks :( and he said he was going to start a blog so we can keep up-to-date with what he's doing.
but it made me realise that I should probably write some more in mine!
so today you get to hear about Project Decoration!!!
last year I made an off-hand comment about decorating the study...nothing came of it. but when I was thinking about how to fill my 4 month holiday I decided that I would actually do something about it. Mum & Dad agreed (it was less work for them) and we decided that it'd be best for me to do it when Dad's away, that way I wouldn't mess all the computers up!
So Monday night Mum, PJ and I cleared the study and pushed the desks to the middle, ready for decoration!
This morning Grandad came up and filled the holes in the walls for me (just little holes...I just don't know how to do pollyfilla!) and then I spent the afternoon prepping the walls, washing them down, sanding down one wall that had chips in it, painting the ceiling and I also managed to paint one of the walls (it was painted in a darker colour so will need more coats of paint!).
It was a sucessful afternoon but also very tiring! Preparation is the worst part, it's not fun like painting is, and it's so exhausting! I know it's worth doing because it makes the job easier but urgh it is not fun!
Tomorrow Hannah is coming round to help me paint the walls :) which will be fun, she's finally finished all her gap year travels and is home for the summer so I'm pleased to spend time with her! 3 walls in 'Spring Blush' (white with a hint of lilac/pink) and 1 wall in Mulberry Burst (a plum/dark purple colour)...should be lovely.
On Thursday my Nan is going to come and help me do the gloss work- something I'm not so good at and although she complains about it I know she doesn't mind helping me and actually quite likes teaching me how to do it properly!
Anyway it's a good project for me to do, I've slowly been building up my decorating skills and I actually quite enjoy it; thinking about what colours and where everything will go and then finding the right colours and painting it and finishing it all off. It keeps my mind off things and I can just stick the radio on and work the afternoon away.
It does mean that I get to the evening and am shattered though!
I think that's it for this blog :) will try and blog more often and I'm sure I will once I finish the study and of course RESULTS are on Monday! Scary stuff :s haven't had the lovely nightmares about them yet but I'm sure they'll come like they did last semester!
Much love xxx
I spoke to my dad today, who's away in america for the next few weeks :( and he said he was going to start a blog so we can keep up-to-date with what he's doing.
but it made me realise that I should probably write some more in mine!
so today you get to hear about Project Decoration!!!
last year I made an off-hand comment about decorating the study...nothing came of it. but when I was thinking about how to fill my 4 month holiday I decided that I would actually do something about it. Mum & Dad agreed (it was less work for them) and we decided that it'd be best for me to do it when Dad's away, that way I wouldn't mess all the computers up!
So Monday night Mum, PJ and I cleared the study and pushed the desks to the middle, ready for decoration!
This morning Grandad came up and filled the holes in the walls for me (just little holes...I just don't know how to do pollyfilla!) and then I spent the afternoon prepping the walls, washing them down, sanding down one wall that had chips in it, painting the ceiling and I also managed to paint one of the walls (it was painted in a darker colour so will need more coats of paint!).
It was a sucessful afternoon but also very tiring! Preparation is the worst part, it's not fun like painting is, and it's so exhausting! I know it's worth doing because it makes the job easier but urgh it is not fun!
Tomorrow Hannah is coming round to help me paint the walls :) which will be fun, she's finally finished all her gap year travels and is home for the summer so I'm pleased to spend time with her! 3 walls in 'Spring Blush' (white with a hint of lilac/pink) and 1 wall in Mulberry Burst (a plum/dark purple colour)...should be lovely.
On Thursday my Nan is going to come and help me do the gloss work- something I'm not so good at and although she complains about it I know she doesn't mind helping me and actually quite likes teaching me how to do it properly!
Anyway it's a good project for me to do, I've slowly been building up my decorating skills and I actually quite enjoy it; thinking about what colours and where everything will go and then finding the right colours and painting it and finishing it all off. It keeps my mind off things and I can just stick the radio on and work the afternoon away.
It does mean that I get to the evening and am shattered though!
I think that's it for this blog :) will try and blog more often and I'm sure I will once I finish the study and of course RESULTS are on Monday! Scary stuff :s haven't had the lovely nightmares about them yet but I'm sure they'll come like they did last semester!
Much love xxx
Saturday, 6 June 2009
apologies
Apologies for no blog for a while...been somewhat at a loss about how to write this blog without crying.
my grandpa has been given 2-3 weeks to live.
I haven't really let it sink it yet, I get close to tears and then pull myself away.
however my body has decided this isn't ok and has reacted the way it normally does under stress...made me sick.
Well, I haven't been sick yet but I woke up in the middle of the night retching and with bad stomach-ache. I then didn't allow myself time to recover and ate normally at lunch and it complained again!
I always do this. When I'm stressed or anxious my body reacts by making me feel nauseous :(
I realise that I've written more about me being ill than about my grandpa...but I can't write about that....not now...not yet...
I will let myself feel it soon...but not at the moment...
Much love xxx
my grandpa has been given 2-3 weeks to live.
I haven't really let it sink it yet, I get close to tears and then pull myself away.
however my body has decided this isn't ok and has reacted the way it normally does under stress...made me sick.
Well, I haven't been sick yet but I woke up in the middle of the night retching and with bad stomach-ache. I then didn't allow myself time to recover and ate normally at lunch and it complained again!
I always do this. When I'm stressed or anxious my body reacts by making me feel nauseous :(
I realise that I've written more about me being ill than about my grandpa...but I can't write about that....not now...not yet...
I will let myself feel it soon...but not at the moment...
Much love xxx
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