Limbo

I don't have much to say in my blog at the moment I'm afraid!
I've been in a bit of a limbo since Grandpa died, doing a few bits & pieces but not really doing anything major because the funeral is this week and it's like I'm waiting for it and so am not really doing anything proper.
I'm excited about New Wine which is getting closer :)
And I have a hair appointment on thursday which sounds like nothing but I really look forward to being pampered and getting a haircut...it's fun and I do look forward to it!

Anyway this is a super short blog but I don't have much to say, sorry!
Much love xxx

peaceful

I'm not sure if I can find the energy to write this blog in detail.
Wednesday night at 11.24pm my Grandpa died.
We were all there, we were at the hospice with him from lunchtime that day.
It was a long day but strangely nice. The family took it in turns to sit with him, after he saw Grandpa for a bit he went to sleep and never regained consciousness.
We hung out in the Chapel at the hospice just chatting about family memories. None of us wanting to leave.
Eventually Mum & I crashed in the guest room (the staff were wonderful and had set up the room for us so we could stay) and just as we closed our eyes we heard Ruth running down the hall to get us all, Grandpa had stopped breathing.
We all got to the room (me, PJ, Mum & Dad, my aunt & uncle, cousins Ruth & Phil, and my other uncle) so 9 of us all round his bed...he took 2 more breaths with moments in between...and then he just stopped.
It was quick but very peaceful.
God had timed it out perfectly, the right people were there, he was surrounded by his family and it happened in a way that made it easy for us to let him go.
We then stuck around for another couple of hours, partly to wait for another one of my cousins to arrive, partly just to sit in the chapel and reflect. By the time we crashed at Aunt Val's house it was 3am!
After a few hours sleep we headed up to Grandma's to see her and also to start planning the funeral.

It was weird...this was never how I imagined it happening, because I never thought we would be there with him but I'm glad we were.
Tomorrow we get back to life for a bit, we're going shopping in Reading which was the original plan for Wednesday before it changed, to shop for the same things except now I need a black dress...
The funeral will probably be some time next week and then it's New Wine...the summer has gone so quickly...
anyway that's my blog for today, thanks for all the prayers and support, it's appreciated :)
Much love xxx

I'm not sure I can do this again...

So after the last awful dip, my Grandpa perked up again and they were looking at getting him out of hospital and into a nursing home...yesterday he got an infection and today they moved him to the hospice...which means days, if not hours...
And yet I'm not upset...it's like I won't allow myself to invest in this, I did it last time, I got so low and so upset and then he was alright again and the swoop back up was horrible...so this time it's like my heart won't allow me to put that emotion into it again.

I'm surprised I haven't cried yet, especially since I'm so tired from jetlag...instead I've closed down. Earlier this evening there was a moment where I was laughing over something stupid and the next moment I was snappy and annoyed for no reason at all...I'm not feeling the grief so my emotions are just going up and down.

The obvious solution to this would be to let myself feel the grief but it's like I can't...I start to think about it and let myself cry and something inside me shuts the door. Which just leaves me feeling frustrated and low. And I'm not sure what to do about it.
This has happened alot with this rollercoaster, I find myself feeling an emotion and wanting to feel different but not physically being able to pull myself out of it...it's like I'm watching myself and saying 'pull yourself out of it!' but I just can't do it.


I had an amazing week in America, it was an escape...Grandpa was ok so I wasn't jumping at the phone and I was busy...but now I'm home and it's all happening again.
Not sure what to do but thought writing about it might help.
Anyway I should go to bed soon, I'm doing foodbank tomorrow (with PJ's Hannah!) and other things...but who knows how that could change...
Much love xxx

Update: I debated about whether to post this, coz I don't want Mum & Dad to worry about me...I'm ok really...but I couldn't write it and then just leave it so I am posting it...but don't worry about me :) I'll be alright.

I'm home :)

Hey kids
I'm home :)
hehe I actually got home yesterday but was too tired to blog!
We left on Friday evening and flew overnight to get into Heathrow at 9.30am, it was an alright flight, I slept for alot of it so that's good.
I had a brilliant week in America, loved every minute of it :) but Friday evening sat in the airport crying over the smallest stupidest thing (seriously, all that happened was that we got through security to find there wasn't anywhere to have dinner...so ended up going back out to get food...it was so stupid) I realised that I was very tired and just ready to go home.

But I'm home now :)
Yesterday I tried to do bits and pieces but mostly I just crashed in front of the TV and hung out with the family.
Today I sorted out a load of house stuff (talked to Claire about how to do bills- we've all agreed now so that's good, went through how bills work with Dad, bought a quilt for my house in Marston and for home too, things like that!), went through some holiday club stuff too, planned out things I need to do in the next couple of weeks, prepared a bit for meeting tomorrow...just chilled out.

The meeting tomorrow is with my practice assessor which is just an informal chat coz we've never met before.
I'm not going to write about my placement really because that wouldn't be very professional of me...I've been thinking about how my blog represents me and I'm not sure about what the answer is...we're supposed to follow the GSCC codes of conduct, which I believe I do, I just need to think about whether my blog is alright...I had to review my facebook page too...so for now, all I'll say is that I won't really talk about my placement :)

That's all for today's blog!
Much love xxx

Fifth Blog of USA? (I'm not sure what number I'm on!!)

Yesterday was a fantastic day :D
Harry Potter was really really good but it meant we only got 4 hours of sleep which was crazy because we spent yesterday at Six Flags which was soooo good!
We went on rides, took silly pics, bought capes (PJ got Superman, Kendall & Elliot got Batman, and I got Supergirl!), sang silly songs on the way back and ended the day with a Nerf gun fight!

It all meant that I slept really well :D

Today Angie and I are going for breakfast, then manicures & pedicures, then alot of shopping!
Tonight we're all going to a baseball game...and we've got tickets for an executive box so food provided and good seats :) and the game is followed by fireworks which'll be cool.

Tomorrow is mostly a chill-out day, maybe a bit more shopping, packing up our stuff (including stupid prizes from the arcade, souveniers, capes, and any shopping from today!) and then off to the airport to go home!
I've had a great time this week but I will be happy to go home and see Mum & Dad and get back to life...coz I like my life, I like it alot, and as much as the escape is fun...I'm not sad about rejoining the real world :)

Will probably blog again tomorrow before we leave.
Much love xxx

4th blog of USA

I was thinking I'd blog about once a day but I need to blog so I am :)
Today we went to New York, it was great! Started off not so good, coz I was tired and not enjoying it as much coz of that, we went to Toys R Us which is huge and went on their Feris Wheel, still wasn't feel good...but after having lunch I picked up a bit...especially when we came across the Disney Store which was HUGE!!!! I love Disney so much, it's everything good and pure and I love it! Well this store was 3 levels and had stuff for adults and kids, they had jewellry and art and toys and clothes and kitchen stuff and it was fantastic! PJ had to stop me buying stuff...I bought a keyring, a cup (and a 2nd one as a gift for someone else) and some Tinkerbell earrings :D if I had that kind of Disney Store near me, I would spend all my money in it!
Following that we went to another toy shop, saw some more sights, some street performers, and ended up in Central Park where we went on a carriage ride around the park.

All in all, it was a good day :) really got to enjoy New York and picked up a few goodies.

Then I came back to an email about house stuff, I'd already had one and replied and this was a reply to that and we're trying to sort out bills and it's not happening quite how I wanted and it's stressing me out a bit...mostly because I'm having to think about it and try and sort it whilst I'm out here, which I was hoping I wouldn't have to do!
Especially since we're out of time and me sending an email now means that I have to wait until morning to get a reply :( it sucks!

Anyway that's all I have to say, I'm gonna chill and watch TV before going to bed, I'm very tired but fortunately tomorrow is a bit of a chill-out day before Harry Potter showing at midnight :)

So I will leave you will my favourite Tinkerbell quote:

"All you need is faith, trust, and a little pixie-dust"

Much love xxx

3rd USA blog

So it's Monday morning here, I'm still up reasonably early (7am) but managed to go to bed later (10.30pm) which is good. slowly starting to move my body clock over!
Yesterday we didn't go into Philly, we ended up having a chilled out dinner here and then going to get ice cream and playing board games...it was nice :)

Today we're going into New York!!! The plan for the day sounds fun so it should be good...going to be a long day methinks though so am trying to prepare myself for it! Think I'm going to fade fast tonight and need another early night!

Tomorrow we've got midnight tickets to see Harry Potter which I'm excited about, the trailers are showing all the time on TV and apparently tickets are really hard to get hold of. During the day we're just going to chill, I think I'll take a little catnap to try and make sure I can keep going to after midnight!

The week is going quickly and I'm starting to get more used to being here. Still missing home and when I start to fade in the evenings I still get a little homesick but not as much as I did the first night. I tend to be able to tell myself it's tiredness and look forward to talking to mum in the morning so that's good.
In fact I just got off the phone with her :) and she pointed out that we all get a little emotional when we're tired and unfortunately homesickness is my achilles heel which means its the first thing to get worse!

Anyway I'm going to have some breakfast and chill out before we go into New York
I'll blog again in the morning :)
Much love xxx

2nd blog from america

so it's Sunday morning (6.20am my time) and I'm up and about but still tired!
went to bed early and everything coz the jetlag was catching up with me so I have slept about 8 hours which is good but it still doesn't feel like enough!

ah well...I've had periods of time before when I've felt tired all the time and kept going (exams, gap year, new wine, holiday club) unfortunately being on summer holiday the last 2 months has spoilt me in terms of sleep (10-12 hours a night normally) so this doesn't feel like enough!

since I'm up I phoned home but got no reply, found a facebook message saying Mum was taking Hannah driving after church so will try again in a bit!
Flying yesterday was amazing! we flew to Ocean City which is gorgeous, it's where I want to retire to when I'm older! Right by the beach, beautiful big houses...
we stopped for brunch at the diner at the airport...this is the one thing that America does that England doesn't...big breakfast diners! We all had huge breakfasts...yummy yummy...then walked about 5 minutes to the coast and walked barefoot along the beach, sun was out...it was beautiful! Then we walked back (I walked back barefoot to the airport coz I had sand on my feet...this resulted in blisters! but I was amused that you can walk along the sidewalk without shoes on, you can't do that in England- too much risk of glass!) and flew up the coast which was gorgeous, you can see some places that have houses right by the beach and also back onto a lake so they have boats too! That's the way to live!

We flew up the coast to New York and then flew up the Hudsone River and back down again...now that is the way to see New York!!! done it before and its just as beautiful as I remember. You have to fly below 1100 feet (i think!) so you're below some of the skyscrapers!
Then we flew back :) now along this trip, PJ got a chance to fly the plane and he was good! He flew us up the coast and then after the New York bit (which Colin did!) he flew us practically all the way home! Colin was impressed and I was too...of course he now wants a plane!!!

Then we spent the evening hanging out at the Miller's house with Angie, Colin and a family friend of theirs Jess, who's about my age, who is lovely. PJ, Jess and I played cut-throat pool which was alot of fun. But I couldn't keep going much past 9.30 and crashed into bed!

Today we are going to church and then going for lunch at the tavern where Elliot works which'll be fun :) before heading into Philadelphia to see the sights and have a look around, maybe see some rowing and maybe have dinner there. Should be fun :)

That's all for now folks, am going to check facebook, watch some TV, have some breakfast, have a shower, phone home and then go to church! Since it's 6.30 and church isn't until 9am, I have plenty of time!

Much love xxx

In the US of A!!!

I'm in America :D :D
it's 7.30am and I've been up about an hour...I slept pretty well actually and this morning we're going flying! Colin is flying us up to the coast, we'll stop for brunch, see the sea, and then fly back down the coast and over New York!
Very exciting!
Tomorrow we're going to Philadelphia, Monday into New York, Tuesday night we've got tickets to the midnight showing of Harry Potter which means we'll be some of the first people to see it!
Wednesday we're going to Six Flags (very very excited about that!). Thursday we're shopping :D and then going to a baseball game in the evening. Friday there'll be more shopping and then we're flying back Friday night...getting back Saturday morning...it's going to go quickly.

Last night as I fell asleep I got a little homesick...I know it was just tiredness and I managed to stop myself and go to sleep. I'm just used to being with my parents and with the Grandpa stuff in the back of my mind, it's not a big deal and we're doing lots of fun stuff so I'm sure it'll be fine :)

Right, I'm off, we're leaving to fly soon :)
Much love xxx

Friends

I was looking back through some old blogs, reading about my trip to America last time and stumbled across this old blog about my friends (http://space-kitten.blogspot.com/2007/03/my-friends.html) and it made me realise how some things have changed dramatically since I wrote that over two years ago and how some things never change.
So I thought I'd update it and tell you about my friends...for those who read the original you'll notice some changes, for those who didn't read it then this'll be something new!

Hannah
Hannah has without a doubt jumped to the top of the pile...she is one of my best friends and because of timing of our respective gap years we've grown closer. She's still the one I joke about being lovers with and I can still not see her for weeks and it's the same, but we've got a much deeper friendship now. I hope that when she goes to uni in september that we stay close.

Dina

A new addition to the list, and someone who I would say is one of my best friends now :) Dina is on my uni course with me...we are opposites in so many ways (she was raised a Muslim and now rebels in every way possible- drink, sex etc) yet we have so much in common (close to our families, traditional upbringings, same sense of humour) and although I never would've thought she would be the friend I became closest to, I have no idea what I'd do without her now!

She's funny and smart and reliable and brilliant. I love her to bits and she's been an amazing friend to me.

Kate
I have no idea if a few months ago I would've been writing this about Kate, I'd seen her when she was home from uni but not heard much in term time...but these last few weeks with everything with my Grandpa, she's stepped up, been there for me in a way I can't describe. No longer slightly dramatic, we've both matured and I think we're better friends for it. I can still text her in the middle of the day because I'm bored and need someone to talk to.

Teresa & Claire
Another two additions to the list, they come together because they are my new housemates!
Although I'm not proper moving out (far too scary after the halls stuff!) I'm very happy that I'm sharing a house with them. Claire is quieter, musical and slightly silly. Teresa is chilled, loopy and brilliant. I met Teresa in freshers week and instantly knew we'd be friends (she lives in Wales!!!), Claire's friendship came later, but both of them are Christians and generally lovely people.

Anna
Anna is most definitely still on the list :) I hear from her throughout term time...right up until exams! then I don't hear a peep out of her! she's still lovely and a bit mental, and I'm glad she's still in my life.

Mike
Mike has definitely become more important to me, he is possibly my best guy friend (along with Gareth), I text him all the time and love spending time with him. He turns to me and I turn to him...it's hard to keep the communication up during term time but that's ok. Mike is special to me and I have no idea if we're ever meant to be more than friends, but if we're not, if this is all our friendship will ever be...I'd be very happy!

Gareth
Mr Parker is much the same, slightly more grown-up but our friendship hasn't changed and I hope it never will :)

PJ & his Hannah
My friendship with PJ has changed over the last two years, we still have our fights but I think we're much better friends and I'm so lucky that I get to be friends with my brother. I know he'll always be there to make me laugh and I can rely on him :) of course one of the bonuses of being close with PJ is his amazing girlfriend Hannah, who has become part of the family in the last couple of years. She's one of my good friends and I hope and pray that it never changes. She's lovely and kind and I can't imagine her not being part of our family.

Beth

I haven't really seen Beth recently and have no idea when she's back for the summer. I'm sure when I see her we'll fall back into our friendship but right now it's hard to describe it when I haven't seen her in ages.

There's people I haven't talked about. People like Pete & Dave who haven't changed since I last wrote about them. People like Nicola, Mireille, Adam, Lucy, Danni...who are all my friends but I don't have enough space to keep going!

People like my parents who I love so much and have become so close to.

But these are the people that I should talk about.

The people who shape who I am.

I hope you enjoy hearing about them!

Much love xxx

And we're back again...

He's ok, stable, awake, eating meals and everything!
Grandpa does like to scare us!
I'm feeling a whole lot better today...exhausted though.
I think yesterday I just got a real wave of grief again, and the thought of leaving Mum and Dad whilst it was happening was horrible.
But it's over now, Grandpa is fine (or back to where he was!) and I'm packed and ready to go!

I know that something might happen whilst we're away but we're actually away at that point, it was the idea of physically walking through the airport and leaving my parents that scared me I think.
But at this point I'm hoping that Grandpa can hold on at least another 24 hours until we've left and then I don't have to worry about it.

I'm not sure my emotions are logical and looking back now I cried loads last night (so much so that I woke up with a crying hangover...feels like a hangover but it's from crying not drinking) which seems so dramatic today but I was so sad and scared and emotional yesterday, even though I wanted to feel ok, I just couldn't. I couldn't pull myself out of it.

But it's all alright now...
I'm praying it stays that way :)
I am excited to go, especially now I'm packed but part of me won't let myself get excited until we're actually in the airport about to go, because I've seen the situation dramatically change already and I don't want to set myself up for a big swing of emotions if it changes again!

Right, I'm going to spend my evening watching TV, chilling with the family and then get an early night!
I probably won't blog again until I'm there :D so look forward to my next blog from America!!!
Much love xxx

The Five Stages

My Grandpa has gone back into hospital, very low heart rate, unconscious..my Dad's gone over to be with my aunt. It looks like his death could be very soon.
It's less than two days until we leave for America and I'm struggling.
I was about to go to bed but I had all these thoughts going round my head and the five stages of grief came to mind...I looked them up in one of my uni books and I think I've almost gotten through Denial and am now on Anger and Bargining.

Denial- when we first got the news this evening I couldn't believe it, it felt so real all of a sudden...I knew there was the possibility this could time out like this but I didn't think it actually would and I'm not sure I let myself believe it.

Anger- just now I shifted to 'this isn't fair, this trip was supposed to be amazing and now I'm going to be carrying this around...it's not supposed to be like that' which is selfish I know, but I was hoping my Grandpa would hold on just a little longer.

Bargining- part of anger is that I'm praying and asking God to just hold on...except that I shouldn't ask that. Grandpa is ready to go and I don't want him suffering. God has a plan, I know he does. It's just hard when it hurts so much.

The next two stages are Depression and Acceptance.
Which is weird because I've accepted that my Grandpa is going to die soon. It's accepting that this is the situation now and learning to live through it. I wish I could be there already.

I know America will be good, and I wouldn't think about cancelling, and I'll have Auntie A to look after me which is as good as family. It's just that I hate to be away from my family right now...it's going to be so hard to leave on Friday, no matter whether Grandpa is dead or still hanging in there...and I don't want to feel this, I don't want to feel sad, I want to enjoy America, but I'm going to carry this...sometimes I wish I didn't feel things as much as I did, I wish I was a man and could compartmentalise...but I'm not, I wear my emotions on the outside and I can't stop my tears.

I'm going to try and go to bed...
Please pray- for my family, for my Grandpa, and for me.
Much love xxx

one week!

I've just realised it's 00:30am and technically friday which means one week until I go to America :D :D :D
I'm very excited! it's going to be soooo good!

Although today I was comtemplating the scenario in which my grandpa could die right before we go...or whilst we're there...and although I wouldn't cancel the trip or anything (he wouldn't want me to) it's a little daunting to think about not being together as a family through this.

But I'm trying not to think about it too much...looking back at the first part of this blog- it's a perfect example of my life at the moment...I'm enjoying myself and am happy and every now and then I'll dip back into the sadness and grief, just for a moment, and then I'm back out again...it's hard to describe...

Today I saw Dina & Adam which was alot of fun! I forgot how much fun I have with them :) and tonight was PJ's Hannah's ball and PJ was going with her...I did her hair, which looked beautiful if I say so myself, and then Mum and I took them and I picked them up. Talking about leavers balls with Hannah was weird...it feels like yesterday that I was at mine, and yet like a lifetime ago...it's been 2 years in reality and that is a pretty long time actually...and I'm much happier now than I was then...don't get me wrong, I enjoyed 6th form but I'm finally on a course where I love every moment of it, I have amazing friends, my hard work is reflected in my grades and it feels right :)
So as much fun as it was to reminisce with Hannah...I wouldn't go back for the world :)

That's all I have to say tonight, tomorrow...wait...today we're going to Southampton for a uni open day for PJ which will hopefully go a bit smoother than the last one!
Much love xxx