Development or Procrastination?

Today I'm sat in the library again (in my favourite spot- YES!), and I've been thinking about this blog. I love writing my blog but I'm not sure I'm always happy with the content.


When I first started the blog in February 2007 (almost 8 years ago) I was a moody, irrational teenager who mostly used my blog to vent about how soooo totally unfair my parents were, and how I hated school, and like completely like could not handle my life because it was so like horrible.
I genuinely cringe when I go back and read some of those posts!


Then I went to university and my blog became something deeper, a place to write about and deal with genuinely challenging problems- panic attacks, negative placements and dealing with people I love going through suffering. Even now, when I read back through my blogs at the beginning of university when I was having panic attacks in halls, I can still feel that emotion inside of me.


Post-university I wasn't always very good at writing in my blog- for about a year or so I barely posted anything. I think partly because I got better at processing my issues away from the internet, and because I had more quality friendships that allowed me to do that.


But whenever big events have happened (car crash, PJ & Hannah's wedding, GodZone changing) I have always come back here to write about it...because I enjoy writing.


I like creating something and discussing my thoughts on something, I enjoy finding the right words to express how I feel about something or my ideas on a subject.


However sometimes I'm not sure that my blog has a clear focus or direction- and I know that it's just a little blog and it's not like I have a million people reading it- but I want my blog to contribute something to someone sometimes.


So I'd like to come up with a plan of subjects to write about- my thoughts on them, what I've learnt from situations maybe...I'll still write posts about my life because I know that it's useful for some people who don't see me every day to have a way to keep up...but I also want to develop this into something more.


Of course, this could completely be seen as a procrastination tool since right now I should be doing some uni work instead of this (don't worry, I'll get onto it after this!). But instead I think it's a hobby, something that I get pleasure from, that can counteract the boring studying I have to do! Yet a hobby that I feel deserves a little more of my time and attention. I've talked recently about rebalancing my life, with university and travel feeling overwhelming, I needed to address my life and everything that I do and see what things I really want to keep and what things I can let go. Part of that process means stopping some things, part of it means investing in things that I enjoy and are important to me- and I think this blog is one of those things.


So what I need from you- please can you comment/message me with your thoughts on my blog...what do you like about it? What sort of things would you want to read if I wrote about it?
According to BlogSpot stats I can sometimes get between 30-50 page hits on my blog so I'd love as many people as possible to feedback please!


Much love xxx

Finding the positives...

I've had a few weeks of feeling like life isn't as good as I want it to be...I'm tired from commuting, university isn't super amazing fun, money is tight...all valid feelings and emotions.


However I've been prompted from a few different places (articles, blogs, Pinterest) that moaning about it doesn't actually help. In fact a friend recently offered to have coffee with me to chat it through and I declined because to talk about it more just felt like I was going to stir things up and that probably wasn't helpful.


Ultimately, as humans, we are selfish people and tend to focus on our own problems...and as British people we don't help this problem much since the social convention is to say 'how are you?' which just invites people to share their annoyances and to complain (British people love to complain!).
Don't get me wrong, I love that I have so many lovely friends who ask how I am and genuinely want to know if things are bad so that they can try to help- but sometimes I think this means that we focus too much on the negatives and not on the positives...and I am certainly the most guilty of this!


So I'm going to try and be more positive, to see the good things that are happening in my day and focus on those...because if I count up the positive, little things; then maybe the not-so-good bigger things won't seem so bad.
(I'm so aware that I'm going to fail at this many times because moaning and worrying are buried so deep into my nature! But I'm trying...)


For example it's only 9.15am and I have several good things to share today:
- I got to uni early and got my favourite spot in the library again...perfect view, temperature, good seat, not too close to lots of other people.
- I got a parking space! This is always a mini-victory when I get this because there's certainly no guarantee of getting one and before now I've missed out and been late to lectures because I'm scrambling for a place to park.
- This morning as I left home I got to see the sunrise...I never see the sunrise. It's too early for me! But today I was up because I had to be, and God blessed that obedience by painting the sky the most beautiful oranges, reds and yellows. It was truly beautiful.
- Tonight I have the evening off...no plans, I can stay in and wear my pyjamas, and just chill out.
- I currently have over 2 hours until my lecture which means I can get some work done and feel more confident going into the weekend.


There may be some annoyances in my life, some things that are less than ideal, but my life is definitely good. There's a beautiful song from the tv show Nashville called 'Life that's good' and the lyrics say:

Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
and a family that always calls me home,

Four wheels to get there, enough love to share
and a sweet sweet sweet song

At the end of the day,
Lord I pray ,
I have a life that's good.

This is so true...I have God, and a family, and a home, and a car, and friends, and my health...my life is so good. Today I'm very thankful for that.

Much love xxx

Head vs Heart

I don't deal well with change.
I'm self-aware enough to know that and can willingly admit that. It means that any time of starting something new I often feel over-whelmed and out of control. And as previously mentioned in other blog posts- feeling out of control is not a fun feeling for me...it often results in me overthinking things, feeling anxious, and lots of tears :(

If ever I feel overwhelmed or out of control, I try and get out of it by thinking everything through and trying to find a way to fix it. Either by reminding myself of the good things in my life, or the good reasons I got into the situation I'm in, or I try and find practical ways I can fix the situation or a small part of the situation.
However if I can't find these answers quickly then I tend to spiral and the anxiety takes over. It's not always a fully-blown panic attack, sometimes its just a lot of tears and worry.

Today I had one of these moments...
It was the first week of my course this week and it was fine. Some good bits, some not so fun bits. Mostly I'm really tired. The commute has been exhausting and I've only done it 3 days. Plus it's costing me a lot more in petrol than I thought. And looking at my finances has only stressed me more as I'm not even sure that I can get through the year at this point- not working means that things are tight.
I tried to think of solutions: coming up with possible things I might do with my life so that I could find the reason for this step. Solving the money issue by giving up any semblance of a social life. Which is not something I want to do, if I'm honest. Trying to find any way to fix something so that I feel more in control. But it doesn't make me feel better, probably because I'm tired and struggling to see why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Plus I have an overwhelming weight that it's my responsibility to sort it out. I'm 25 now, I chose this step, I did the maths and thought money would be ok. I prayed and felt it was the right step. I put myself into this place, it's my irrational tired emotions that have put me here and it's up to me to get myself out of it. I'm not a teenager anymore, I don't expect my parents or friends to have magical answers or solutions to sort it out for me. But perhaps I make that weight too heavy on myself.

God has been so good in teaching me to trust Him, and today is just one of those days where it's tough to do because I can't see why I'm doing this course because I'm not sure of the next steps.
When I really stop and think about it, I do know that He opened this door and that it felt right to pursue it and to stop work and focus on this next stepping stone.
But when the other things feel so big- money, energy, time- it's really tough to hold onto that not-very-tangible truth. Particularly when that feeling of trust and handing over control is something that doesn't come naturally to me at the best of times.

I know the truths in my head- God is good. God put me on this path. Money is just money. Rest will come. Balance will come. It's only the first week.
I also know that the emotions in my heart often take over- anxiety, lack of trust, need for control, not knowing the purpose or end goal of this step.
It's that old head vs. heart battle.

I'm not sure the purpose of this blog post, other than to ask for prayers from any of you who pray- plus writing things down often helps me process my thoughts and get them out.
Sorry it's not a super entertaining or profound blog- just an every day, very selfish, struggling a little bit, kind of blog.
Love x

Feminism...a slightly different view?

I've been mulling this post over for a while, somewhat hesitant to write it out of fear of backlash or being misunderstood...I'm aware that people are very passionate about this subject but I hope you will see that it's just my view, and as Thumper would say "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" (poor grammar but you get my point!)

Earlier this week I asked one of my male friends to carry a heavy box of books to the car for me. I'm perfectly capable of carrying the box, I'm actually pretty strong, but there are a few reasons I asked him to carry it instead- firstly I have a history of back problems and carrying a heavy box isn't helpful, secondly I'd had a long day and was tired, and thirdly (and probably the biggest reason)...I frankly quite enjoy it when men do things for me!

As I asked my friend to do this, someone joked "oh it's ok, we're not feminists!" And I replied "actually I am a feminist...feminism is about choice and I choose to have a man carry the box for me!"

It was said to make people laugh, I'm not actually sure I'd naturally identify myself as a feminist but it got me thinking again about this subject.

I was taught at university that feminism is about women having equal opportunities and the chance to be treated with equal value to men. It's NOT about hating men, or refusing to let men do anything for you. It's about not being forced to conform to behaviour or roles JUST BECAUSE we are women.

This means that my friends who want to open doors for themselves and carry boxes for themselves have every right to do that. They are strong, independent women who are equal to men and choose how they behave. They are smart and have decided that this is how they want to be treated.

BUT- I am also a strong, independent woman...and I also have the right to choose how I want to be treated...and that means that it's ok for me to like it when a guy opens a door for me!

It's ok that I ask my male friend to carry a box for me. It's ok that I would want a guy to offer to walk me home if it's dark. It's ok that I would expect my brother to defend my honour if any man ever treated me badly. It's ok that I get pleasure out of a guy buying me a drink, or paying for my dinner on a date (which clearly are things that I go on, all the time...haha!)

I don't know why I enjoy these little things but I do. I don't know why a man doing them for me makes a difference to my reaction but it does. It makes me smile and feel warm & fuzzy inside :) and that's got to be an ok thing for me to want and enjoy, right?

Enjoying these things does not make me anti-feminist or anti-women's rights.

I was once told that by wanting these things I was "setting feminism back decades"...seriously?!? Women fought for me to have the choice about how I am treated, and I choose to be looked after by the men around me...also I highly doubt that I am significant enough that my choices would affect a movement that big!

Let me be clear- the way I personally view feminism is that it's my choice and by telling me that I need to behave a certain way and I can't want men to be chivalrous, you are actually being just as judgmental and oppressive as the systems were back in the olden days (yes, that's the time reference I'm using...history is not my strong point!). So please don't make me feel bad for wanting these things.

I have realised that one problem with this whole 'both ways are ok' thing is that it does somewhat complicate things for men.

This idea that some women like to open doors for themselves and some like to have it done for them only adds to the already heavy minefield that men face when interacting with women...unfortunately gentlemen, we are a complicated gender and you'll probably get it wrong on more than one occasion. But I promise that we are worth it!

So yeah...I think those are all my thoughts on it...I hope I made sense and didn't offend anyone.

As a side note, I wanted to say that I am incredibly blessed by the men around me who do look out for me and open doors for me, buy me drinks, walk me home, and defend my honour...they are great men who I know wouldn't respect me any more or less if I decided to do those things by myself instead (which often I do). I just know that they love and care for me...which also makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside :)

And I'll leave you with one of the highlights of my day courtesy of one of my new classmates, an American no less ;) I was walking with this male classmate today and offered to share my umbrella with him but he is much taller than I am, so he took it out my hand and held it above us. Then he offered me his arm so that we could walk together under the umbrella without getting wet. He didn't think twice about it, there was no underlying motive, it was just how he'd been taught to treat a lady. I didn't say anything because it just wasn't a big deal...but it did make me smile :)