in that whole last blog I failed to mention how good Christmas Day was!
it was just the four of us and it was brilliant! we had presents, went to church, ate the yummiest lunch ever and played family games all afternoon and evening.
I had so much fun and really enjoyed every moment of the day :D
so it’s not all gloomy!
Much love xxx
I’ve had a bit of a blah day today. some slightly crappy things happening, not enough that they qualify as bad things, just stupid little things that didn’t make me happy…for instance I saw a family friend of ours Beth wearing some gorgeous purple boots and so I went to the shop she got them from today to get some myself…slight problem being that Beth is 11 and has slightly smaller feet than me :( they didn’t go even close to my size! and they didn’t have any boots similar to it in the adults range (kids get all the good clothes and shoes!)
it was a silly thing and didn’t make me unhappy or anything but it added to the feeling of blah about today.
I slept well last night for the first night in a while which is good but I still felt tired.
yesterday we went over to trowbridge for boxing day. the five of us, mum, dad, PJ, Hannah (PJ’s girlfriend) and I, went over and had lunch at my aunt and uncles before going to see my grandparents for a little bit. I mentioned in an earlier blog that they weren’t very well. to add to that my grandma had a fall earlier this week that shook us up a bit.
I’m very aware of how my grandparents are doing, we talk about it all the time as a family. but I haven’t seen them in a while…since July I think…and it broke my heart. my grandma took forever to get up to go to the bathroom and needed my dad’s help, she was talkative but slumped in her chair….and apparently she was having a very good day. it was just a visual of how bad they are doing and as much as we talk about it, seeing it was horrible. as soon as we got in the car to leave I broke down. how my aunt sees them like that every day and cares for them I don’t know…it takes an immense strength that I can’t even imagine. it just made the whole situation very real.
other than that we had a very good day with my aunt and uncle, saw my cousin Ruth and her daughter too :) Ruth is getting married in September and I’m being a bridesmaid so it was exciting to talk about that a bit. Hannah handled the whole family very well, she’s met them all before but this was slightly more focussed attention and she did well- I've expressed very widely that PJ isn’t allowed to let Hannah go! she’s so lovely and I consider her a great friend and I want her around forever! hehe PJ and Hannah don’t get a choice in the matter.
anyway I think that’s all for tonight. I should go get some more sleep. not got alot on over the next few days but on wednesday it’s the annual new year’s eve murder mystery…I’m the dead guy’s widow so should be interesting!
prayers for the whole family would be good :)
Much love xxx
Alright so it’s not quite Christmas but I imagine I won’t be writing a blog tomorrow so I’ll say it now
just a quick blog:
have some peace of mind about BASC decision so that’s good.
have had a fab few days with friends and also hanging out with Katy (my god-sister) she can put a smile on anyone’s face and made me appreciate how much I love her!
I made christingles and then went to the service :) was good fun- found out that the drum beat for ‘Little Drummer Boy’ is also the opening drum beat for High School Musical ‘We’re all in this together’ or at least the version we did was!
am very very very very very excited about Christmas- I’m like a child! hehe so am going to bed now!
Much love xxx
I’m tired and not thinking that straight and have taken a sleeping tablet that will start to work in like 5 minutes but right now my thoughts are chasing round my head and usually the only way to stop them is to write them down so that’s what I’m doing.
My dilemma is that I’ve signed up for BASC which is the annual student conference that St Ebbes do, its for 5 days in January and is at the same place the CU weekend was at.
I was dithering about going because there’s other stuff going on that weekend that I had been thinking about doing but Claire and Teresa and both going and so I said I would too.
But the more I thought about it the more that ever-present knot in my stomach came about. I couldn’t work out why. All I knew was that my head was saying it would be good for me to go, especially coz I want to join an Ebbes focus group and this would be a chance to get to know people…but my heart and my gut were screaming that I didn’t want to go.
Last night I finally figured out why: what if I go and I don’t have a good time and then I can’t get out…just like when I was in halls.
That fear is still there. I’m so scared of being in that place again emotionally. I don’t know if my blogs conveyed it at the time but I was so low when I was in halls. I literally couldn’t see a way out. I have never felt so down in my life.
After a couple of conversations with Mum I’ve basically realised that this is why I’m worried about BASC. I was talking to Teresa too and I think she’s torn between understanding how I feel and wanting me to go.
Basically I need to find a way to feel in control and not scared. Whether this be by going and driving myself so I can leave at any time, only going for a few days, not going at all.
(as an aside, I’ve arranged to meet with a woman in our church to have some prayer ministry about the whole fear thing)
I’m feeling out the first option at the moment, seeing if I feel safe enough with driving there so that I can leave at any time. Unfortunately my thoughts tend to race along a ‘what if’ basis and it goes something like this:
what if I go but get lonely and don’t like it? then I’ll want to leave. but then Teresa, Claire and people will try and persuade me to stay because they’re my friends and want me to be there. what if I then feel like I should stay? what if I try to stick it out because I feel like I should and it then gets worse. what if I end up an emotional wreck again? what if I end up in that place of fear again? what if Claire and Teresa think that maybe they don’t want to live with me if this is what I’m going to be like? what if this is what I’m like when I move in with them? what if it doesn’t work? what if I end up being the girl who can’t move away from home? what if….
and so on, and so on… now some of these are stupid. I will at some point leave home. I’m not going to put the barrier in the way where I can’t go home and will just go whenever I wanted, Oxford isn’t far. It’ll probably still be a bit tough but hopefully I’ll manage.
some of the above are slightly more possible. Claire and Teresa might decide they don’t want to live with me. I might not enjoy the weekend but feel like I should stay.
my head knows that I won’t end up in that place again. I’m trying to trust God that he won’t let that happen. but that doesn’t stop the fear from taking hold…it doesn’t stop the devil from using it as a foothold against me. I’m praying hard that this doesn’t happen.
at the moment I’m not sure that the first option feels safe enough for me. and I’m definitely sure that I shouldn’t be pushing myself.
so should I be looking at the other options? should I decide to only go for a couple of days? that way I limit the time-frame in which I could get scared, it’d be more manageable… plus I don’t push myself to take on too much.
or should I not go and instead look at ways to build up being away from home? visiting friends who live further away maybe? is this too big a step when I’m still trying to handle this fear?
there’s the added complication that the last time I went to this weekend away venue I really hurt my knee so I have mixed emotions attached to that place anyway.
I just don’t know what the right answer is and I don’t want to disappoint anyone with the choice I make.
Who said growing up was easy?
I think I might have run out of thoughts. Writing all that down didn’t solve the issue. But hopefully it’ll help me sleep tonight.
Much love xxx
I have completely finished all my university work for Christmas :D :D :D
I handed in my last assignment on Tuesday :) I keep forgetting that I have nothing to do! its so nice to be able to relax and not stress about it.
my results come out on 26th January so I’ve got ages before I find out if the work paid off but I feel good about what I handed in.
it’s about a week to Christmas and I’m sooo excited! I’ve got lots of social stuff on, seeing everyone who’s back from university, I’m very busy but it’s good to see everyone :)
And of course New Year’s Eve murder mystery is coming around again, it’s a Hollywood theme so black tie and glamorous dresses are in order. should be a pretty good night!
Alrighty I think that’s all I have to say right now, will write again soon no doubt, I’ll have lots of time on my hands hehe.
Much love xxx
I am currently babysitting for possibly the cutest boy ever. he’s asleep now too which is always nice. I have no internet so this will be belatedly posted but thought I’d keep myself busy. there is a reason for keeping myself busy- the neighbours alarm has been going off for the last 20 minutes so I’ve locked the front door but am still slightly jumpy. mostly because I don’t know the house, they’ve just moved into one house in a whole new road that’s been built, only like 3 of the surrounding houses are lived in.
I know I’m fine but I don’t know the house well enough to feel completely comfortable straight away so am trying to keep busy- writing this blog is one way to do that!
Hannah was here keeping me company for a bit but she’s gone now- was fun to hang out though :)
In other news I’ve almost finished my final assignment- just need to print it out and put the portfolio together and then I’m done!
Tomorrow I’m helping at Time out for Christmas at LF which should be good fun- doing some puppets, actions and generally enjoying doing some kids work.
PJ is ill :( his temperature was like 40.C last night which is high and he’s been sick and coughing lots- its just a bad virus thing but PJ rarely gets ill so when he is ill its a big deal!
I’ve done pretty much all of my Christmas shopping and written the cards and wrapped presents- very efficient of me :)
I think that might be everything…I’m generally a bit tired but I think it’s just that end of term feeling. I can’t wait for Christmas to come though!
Think that’s all
Much love xxx
now don’t get me wrong, I love rollercoasters but the emotional ones can be exhausting!
my last post was a slightly soppy one about how much I miss Beth- well I saw her on Wednesday and it was brilliant! wish I’d seen her more but she’s back again tomorrow and I can’t wait to keep catching up. everything was normal, apart from a few small things, but we were definitely normal and I loved it.
I’ve finished my third assignment and am handing it in tomorrow :D had a panic on Friday night because I suddenly realised I was missing a bit of evidence for the portfolio and even though it’s a small thing that I wouldn’t have failed over, it was important to me. fortunately I fixed it!
It seems to be that I always try and finish my assignments the Friday before they are due in the next Monday/Tuesday and on that Friday I manage to have a panic over something stupid and little but it completely throws me. however it does then leave me the weekend to calm down and I always end up adding one or two things that I remember over the weekend.
So I’ve officially finished lectures but still have one more assignment left so that’ll keep me busy. I’ve also roped myself into helping with a couple of kids work things, nativities, carol services and things like that. I’m happy to do it, I miss it, but I am having to be careful to control it and do it on my terms so I don’t get completely swept back up into it.
Speaking of kids work and church stuff. I was at LF this morning because four of my youth were getting baptised. It was such a good service and to hear their testimonies and listen to them talk about wanting to make a commitment to God. It was amazing and truly inspirational and it made me happy to have had the chance to be a small part of that journey during my gap year.
I spoke about a rollercoaster, the baptisms today were one of the highs. the other high was that my room in halls will definitely be taken over on 25th january :D :D :D
I’m so pleased, it means I don’t have to pay the next installment and I’m officially free of that place. Ironically I actually saw a few of my old flatmates today, just from a distance, didn’t talk to them or anything, but it made me realise that I don’t miss it. I miss them a little bit coz they were nice people. but I don’t miss that place at all! I miss what it could’ve been…if it had been nice and worked out differently, I wish it would’ve. But I’m so happy at home, and I’m excited to try moving into a house with good friends next year. And I know that Teresa and Claire will support me through it and God will help me too.
Hehe that whole little bit wasn’t part of what I was going to say in this blog- it just came out and I’m not sure it even says what I feel- which just tells you how odd and mixed up my feelings are about halls etc.
Anyway I’m off to bed. I’m picking Danni up from the station and then we’re going to hand in our portfolios together tomorrow :D I don’t have to get up early but I’m tired and want my bed!
Much love xxx
All credit to David for showing me this on his blog…completely brilliant! Here’s the link:http://www.darksites.com/evilplan.php do it yourself! you pick random answers and this is what it generated!
Your objective is simple: World Domination.
Your motive is a little bit more complex: Love (Yes, it works)
Stage One
To begin your plan, you must first seduce a superman. This will cause the world to whisper among themselves, amazed by your arrival. Who is this evil genius? Where did they come from? And why do they look so good in classic black?
Stage Two
Next, you must seize control of the eiffel tower. This will all be done from a amusement park, a mysterious place of unrivaled dark glory. Upon seeing this, the world will gibber like madmen, as countless hordes of ninjas hasten to do your every bidding.
Stage Three
Finally, you must tauntingly wave your time machine, bringing about horrors beyond man's comprehension. Your name shall become synonymous with insanity, and no man will ever again dare refuse to be your prom date. Everyone will bow before your extraordinary charisma, and the world will have no choice but to fall madly in love with you.
hehehehehehehehehehehehehe!!!!!
I managed to get myself into a bit of a sad mood just now. I saw on facebook that Beth is in a relationship…now I think I already now about this but it made me realise that I don’t think I’ve seen Beth since August. I’ve texted her and facebooked her but only had a couple of replies. She’s very busy, even when she’s not studying she’s involved in shows and doesn’t get to come home very often.
I miss her.
I miss her so much it’s crazy. That girl has been in my life for years and is one of my best friends. I still see Hannah and talk to her lots. And Anna calls me every week or so to catch up. But when Beth started college and I started 6th form we began to not see each other for a week or two and then we’d catch up and it’d be fine. Since she’s been and uni, and especially since I’ve been at uni too, I haven’t seen her or talked to her and I miss her. She just understands me in a crazy special way and I can tell her anything. Literally anything.
I needed someone to talk to about this blah, sad thing I was feeling and who was online? Teresa. my new brilliant uni friend who I’m hoping to live with next year. She totally understood and was so supportive. and more than that, she reminded me that God is in control. I can keep my home group of friends and develop new uni ones, that’s fine. but if friendships grow apart despite your efforts then maybe God has a bigger plan.
Now I’m not saying that God doesn’t want Beth and I to be friends, that’s just stupid. And it doesn’t mean I’m giving up trying. It just means that our friendship has changed and that there is a reason for that. One that God has control of. And giving that over to God reminded me how BIG he is and how small I am and that was very humbling.
Beth is supposed to be home this week so I plan to move mountains to see her. I will see her lots over Christmas and I plan to fight for this friendship. And I’m sure she misses me as much as I miss her.
So the old might be changing but it’s still there, and the new is coming in and I have to admit, is pretty amazing.
In other news: first 2 assignments are completed and I’m handing them in tomorrow. advent starts tomorrow, I have my calendar and I’m getting super excited about Christmas, in 16 days I’ll be finished until February and that’s what I’m holding onto!
Much Love xxx
UPDATE: Beth just text me. As soon as I handed it over to God I got a text- his timing is amazing! She's home and wednesday and wants to see me as much as I want to see her!
Would you like to know why today is a good day?
There are of course some negative things going on:
I think that is everything I have to say at the moment. Today is a good day. Life is going pretty well. I’m happy again. Christmas is coming and I love this time of year.
Things are good.
Much love xxx
I’ve just redrafted this blog, I’d written some things about a recent media storm that has been going on and how I’d stumbled on facebook groups that saddened me and slated my career choice. But this is a public blog and I don’t want to risk saying more.
Just know that it did upset me a little bit and I’m forcing myself not to go back to those groups.
in other news I’ve finished one of my big essay assignments :D still need to do a bit of editing but am very happy!
the other big essay is coming on nicely too, plan to do some work on it this weekend.
this weekend PJ is away and Dad is away on Saturday so Mum and I are going to have a mother/daughter day on Saturday…no idea what we’re going to do but it involves shopping I’m sure!
Today I plan on doing the food shop for the family, I try to help out where I can and I actually don’t mind doing the food shop!
And tonight Teresa and Claire are coming round for a girls night. Mum and Dad are out, PJ will have left for the weekend away and we’re going to have a bit of a bonding night since we’re looking at probably living together next year. They are lovely girls, Teresa’s doing occupational therapy and Claire’s doing physiotherapy so we’re all health and social care students which means we all want to be in Marston (the area where our campus is) and we’re all christians, we met at the CU and just clicked, none of us are real clubbers or partiers which is nice and we just get on. So I invited them over to mine for a future-housemate-bonding night!! should be good fun :)
I think that’s all I have to say…other than there’s rumours it might snow this weekend :D :D :D
Those who are regular readers of my blog will know that I am a huge fan of snow and this news that it might just happen excites me to no end!
Much love xxx
I know it’s been a week since I last blogged…I’ve been putting off blogging because I’m not really sure what to say.
It feels like one problem after another in the Brombley house, nothing too serious, just not very nice so prayers would be appreciated.
My work’s going well, I’m about half way through both my essays which is excellent.
I got the job I went and interviewed for :) just got to wait for the paperwork to go through.
I’m very tired :( its starting to be that end of term feeling.
I’m going to go, facebook a bit, play a few games, watch some tv and go to bed! not very productive but exactly what I feel like doing!
Much love xxx
tomatoes have no smell, but the vine does…that’s why they sell tomatoes on the vine.
interesting fact for the day…social work is a very informative course :p it actually came up because we had a guest lecturer in for part of the afternoon to talk about sensory impairment and obviously we ended up talking about taste and smell and that’s when this fact came up.
anyway, my godmother is home from her trip to the Dominican Republic and I’m sure she’ll have caught up with my blog by now and since I’ve been hanging on every word of hers (written by her husband Colin in order to keep us up to date with what’s happening) I thought I ought to blog again so she has lots to read! she’s always nagging me to blog more and since she’s been away I’ve blogged 4 times I think…isn’t it ironic? kinda like buses, you wait for one etc etc.
I’m still procrastinating a little bit, I could do some work now but my brain isn’t really working. Particularly coz I need to prepare for lectures tomorrow (I have started doing that) I just don’t think I’m going to get much essay work done tonight.
I have reserved 3 books in the library and am planning to pick them up tomorrow or wednesday, whenever they’re ready :) and I’ve been doing a bit of journal surfing over the weekend (the internet is a wonderful thing!).
in other news:
-I’ve kinda realised that St.Aldates isn’t really working for me, nice church but I just feel a bit lost, which I thought would be nice..just to get lost in the crowd but I think feeling part of a community is so important to me that it doesn’t work. So I’m going to try St.Ebbes on Sunday morning (that’s the other thing…I don’t like going out on a Sunday night, I’m just too tired by that point)
-I’ve already started making loose plans for next year…Teresa is a very good friend I’ve made in CU, we just clicked and we’ve talked about moving in together next year, maybe with a few other girls from the CU. I swing from being very excited about the idea, to being very scared. I do want to move out and living with friends will be so good, but I don’t want to rush things and end up back where I was…we’ll see! I’m trying to trust God with this one.
-We’ve been talking as a family about maybe going to America sometime next year to visit my godmother and her family. I’d already thought about going in May after I finish for the year, PJ wants to go and snowboard with the boys, Mum would like to go, we’d all like to go. Dad has some airmiles that have to be used before March so we’re looking out for good deals…hopefully one, some, many, all of us will end up going out. Auntie A has said she’d love to see us in any form so we’ll see how it works out.
I think that’s everything for now. My general feeling at the moment is that I’m still happy and enjoying myself but I’m stressed about assignments and very tired. I’m sleeping alright but my brain’s been working hard so I’m just tired, emotionally, physically, mentally, I’m tired.
In 5 weeks I’ll be done! Sounds alot but in 3 weeks my first essays are due in and after that the next 2 weeks will fly by.
Alright I’m off to prep for lectures and am going to try and get an earlier night if possible.
Much love xxx
I'm out babysitting at the moment and have done a fair bit of work and my brain hurts so I've decided to stop and write a bit of a blog :) I can't post it until I get home because I don't have internet here which has been a positive and negative so far...I can't distract myself on facebook which is good, but I also can't do as much research as I need to in order to do more to my essays which is bad. But since I've done everything tonight that I needed to I think I'm ok and can just carry on with research and writing tomorrow.
I do have alot of work to do though, especially since it's week 7 of term already! that's really kinda scary! I probably ought to explain my course a little bit since I talk about assignments but haven't really explained any of them.
I have four modules this term and various assignments for each of them:
- Partnerships in Practice: I have a 1500 word essay to write for this, a choice of two themes that we've covered and it's due in 1st December. This is the module that every health and social care course has to take pretty much and it focuses on inter-professional working and we get mixed up and have various lectures and seminars. It's pretty boring to be honest, I mean it's nice to get to know people from different courses but all in all the module itself isn't very interesting and the essay itself isn't too difficult, I'm just not that motivated to do it because I'm not that interested. So far I've written the introduction, done some reading and outlined the essay, I just need to get on and do it!
- Human Growth & Development: I have a 2500-3000 words essay to write for this, we choose 2 members of a fake family in order to demonstrate two theories we've learnt over the module. It's due in 2nd December. This module is basically psychology, we take it along with the Osteopaths (don't ask how our courses fit together, we're not sure they do!) and it's taught by my personal tutor who is lovely and makes it interesting. Plus I've always liked psychology and I'm getting to go back over the things I learnt in 6th form. So far I've written the introduction, done some reading and outlined the essay...kinda the same amount I've done for PIP...I'm just slightly more interested in writing it! That doesn't mean I have the motivation though...I need to get my rear into gear and just start writing!
- Professional Communications: I have to put together a portfolio that includes various methods of communication we've learnt over the course of the module. It's due in 8th December. This module is all about communication funnily enough, it includes written reports, book reviews, critical analysis, powerpoint, excel and many other things. The assignment I had to hand in a couple of weeks ago was a formative critical analysis, I'm still waiting to get that back actually. I've got quite alot of these bit of evidence together so I'm less worried about this module actually. unfortunately the lectures themselves I find quite confusing so can get myself worked up about whether I'm doing it right.
- Fit for Practice 1: I have to put together a portfolio that includes various bits of information that I am indeed Fit for Practice. Due in 16th December. We also have to do an interview examination and a shadowing day in the next couple of weeks. It's the module that prepares us and authorises us to do our placements. If we fail this module there's no retaking, we'll be asked to leave the course....very scary! I've done a few things for the portfolio but I can't do the main bits because they depend on my actually doing my shadowing day and interview. I'm also a little nervous about the examination but I think I'm doing well at developing my interview skills so I should be ok.
And that's effectively my course for this semester! By 16th December I'll be done and that's just over a month away which is scary, time is passing quickly. Soon it'll be christmas which I love!!! and new year and everything like that. Plus I don't go back to uni until the first week in February! hehe I'm not a slacker I promise, Brookes just has a weird semester system instead of terms. I'm happy though!
Alright, I'm going to go and watch some TV for the rest of my babysitting time! The child I'm babysitting is asleep in bed so I'm able to just do work and then relax :) right now I'm writing this and also watching the EMA's (loving Katy Perry's presenting but hating Beyonce's outfit!) will write more soon I'm sure.
On one final note, I'm sure that I'm supposed to be doing something tomorrow but I'm not sure what...I thought I was just imagining it until Mum asked me what it was I was doing coz she thinks I mentioned something! So know I'm very worried coz I seriously don't have a clue what it is! Hopefully nothing and my mind is just tricking me!
Much love xxx
I'm pretty much over the echo...instead I replaced my emotions with intense, irrational fear of our house! PJ was out last night and I suddenly heard a creak from upstairs...and once I'd heard one I started to notice every little noise that the house makes! This wasn't helped by the fireworks outside that made me a little jumpy too.
So I texted PJ and asked him to come home a little early...actually I think it worked out that he got home around normal time but I felt better knowing he was on his way and once he got back he humoured me by checking upstairs for mass-murderers....there weren't any, you'll be pleased to hear.
I've been continuing to watch Sex and the City and the emotions aren't so bad (the original post said 'are so bad' that was a mis-spelling!) , if I let myself stop and think for too long then I start to feel it but I'm controlling it a bit better now I'm aware of it.
I haven't done nearly enough work for this weekend so I'm going to try and do a bit today before popping into the light parties at church. Then tonight I'm going to Aldates with Hannah (she didn't stay over last night, it got too complicated!) and I'm pleased I'm going because it's been a couple weeks since I've been to CU or church in oxford and I need to get back into it- my knee just made it more complicated but since my knee is doing much better I'm going back.
I think that's all I have to say, I'm going to take a shower, eat some breakfast and do some work. I'm up earlier than I expected, I just woke up and couldn't really get back to sleep...never mind- I have independent study tomorrow morning so don't have to be up early tomorrow either.
Much love xxx
On our course we've been talking about things that we might encounter out on placements or once working in the field that remind us of things we've been through and bring up bad memories...they're called echoes.
Tonight I sort of had one.
Not out in the field or anything to do with social work at all. I was looking forward to tonight, we've never really done halloween so instead of getting dressed up I was planning a night in. The parents are away so PJ and I got takeaway, he was going to play his game and I rented the 6th series of Sex and the City because I own 4 and 5 and wanted to finish the story!
But whilst I was sat watching the DVD I was struck by this memory...last time I was watching a box set SATC I was stuck in halls and feeling really crap and using it as a way to try and distract myself but it never really worked. And suddenly all these feelings rushed back and I got that horrible feeling in my stomach, the panicky one, the one I felt all the time whilst in halls. I even knew what was happening but I couldn't stop it. PJ did his best and gave me a hug and I've been texting Kate about it most of the night but it only helped a little bit...
I know I'm ok and that my life is good, I have great friends, I love my course and I'm home. I'm happy. But that panic set in and it wasn't rational. I had this real fear, and it wasn't so much about having to go back there because I know that I'm home and I don't have to go back to halls and that I've actually been back and was alright. It's the fear that I might somehow slip back to that place I was in emotionally...I didn't really talk about it at the time but I was really down, I really felt like there was no way out of halls and that I'd be a failure if I came home and basically any option was negative. I've never been so down in my life. And this 'echo' brought back all those emotions and it really scared me. I'm crying as I write this because I just don't know what else to do with the emotion that's built up inside of me.
I know that tomorrow I'll be fine, that once I fall asleep I'll be lost in a dream world, that I'm happy and I love my course and have lots of friends, I do know that. But right now the feeling in my stomach is still there and I don't like it one bit.
Alright, I'm going to bed, I'm tired which probably makes all this worse. Hopefully when I next blog I'll be absolutely fine! This does tell me that those triggers and memories are still there and I need to find a way to deal with them somehow.
But not right now.
Much love xxx
I just realised that Mum has blogged and is very proud of the fact that she blogged before me! I did realise yesterday that it had been a week since I blogged last but it was late and I wasn't sure what to say so I decided to wait until today.
I'm still not sure what to write about, life is pretty good at the moment. Updates on my ups and downs:
-My knee is still getting better...if I over-use it then it can ache ALOT but its getting there...I'm driving in little bits now and walking more.
-I saw High School Musical 3 and loved it!! the bigger budget was noticeable and the songs were awesome, I've been listening to the soundtrack ever since and am going to see it again this weekend (sad I know, but I really don't care!)
-I've had a good week with lectures, I got my assignment in on Friday and was happy with it- won't find out how I did for another week or so. But I'm still really enjoying my course and developing friendships which is good.
-I didn't really make a fool of myself, I realised that one of my friendships is alot stronger than I thought and that being honest can sometimes work out for the best.
Coming up in the next week:
-CU tonight, I haven't been in a little while coz my knee was making it difficult to get in but I'm definitely going tonight, I miss my friends!
-Lots of work! Not anything super heavy but lots of little pieces I need to do this week that are going to take time...fortunately I have time to do them, I just need to get my rear into gear and do them!
-Trial interviews on Friday; a few of us 1st years volunteered to be guinea pigs at university so our teaching team can test out a new group interview technique coz the course is getting so many applicants :) so I get to try out for uni again on Friday...we were reassured that what happened wouldn't affect our place on the course! coz that could have been scary!
-Mum and Dad are away this weekend so I'm planning a pretty packed weekend actually: I think PJ and I are going to do takeaway and night in on Friday (it's halloween but I'm not planning on doing much), Saturday we're going to have Subway breakfast (there's a new Subway in Abingdon!!!) and then go see HSM3 with Kat. Then Hannah is coming round to stay Saturday night I think. Our parents get back in time for the light parties on Sunday.
I realise that I've been bullet-pointing my blogs alot lately, it just helps me to lay out my thoughts better, I have no idea whether it's easier to read or not!
My godmother is away at the moment so her blog is being kept up to date by her husband- very funny to read :)
Mum is keeping her going pretty well.
David & Pete aren't good at writing in theirs anymore but I'll let them off coz I know they're busy.
And that might be all my readers covered hehe so I don't feel bad about blogging late!
I'm off to eat some brunch...am hungry!
Probably ought to dry my hair too...
And do some work...
Busy week!
Much love xxx
Good things that are happening:
-My knee is feeling better generally.
-I'm going to see High School Musical 3 tomorrow.
-I had a really good lesson today where I had to practise interview techniques with my lecturer and I was terrified but she said I did really good and even picked me out in front of the class as doing really well :D
-I started to have some thoughts about placements which excited me.
Bad things that are happening:
-My first assignment is due in on Friday and despite it being a formative thing and not actually marked...I'm still stressing about it!
-My knee still aches by the end of the day.
-I think I just made a fool of myself by being honest with someone.
overall I'm having a good week and am super excited about HSM3 tomorrow- silly I know but I love those films and the music and everything Disney!
and hopefully I'll get to sleep in tomorrow which always makes me feel better :)
and I don't think my assignment will be horrible...it's just nerve-wracking!
that's all for now folks, am off to continue writing my assignment!
Much love xxx
Tuesday was fine...great actually :D I had a really good time at lectures and being in the wheelchair was fine.
I had a whole variety of people push me around throughout the day and it was actually interesting to see what it felt like to have to think about disabled access to places.
Today I slept in :D yey! which was great coz I was so tired from the weekend still. Then went out to lunch with Mum and my grandparents for my Nan's birthday...we thought about taking the wheelchair for me but my knee was feeling a bit better so I decided not to, especially since I would only have to walk from the car to the pub....I was a foolish girl! My knee aches so bad now! I mean, actually there was a step and the wheelchair would have been slightly complicated and walking was alright, only slightly painful...but afterwards it ached alot and still hurts now. So I didn't end up going to CU tonight and am planning a restful day tomorrow.
I did some work today but not as much as I should've, so I'll be doing more tomorrow- especially since the formative assignment for one of our modules is due in next friday! scary stuff!
Although I'm feeling alright about all the assignments, I mean they'll be tough work but I'm not feeling overwhelmed and I'm still loving my course- hence why I made so much effort to get into lectures yesterday!
My new desk is coming tomorrow- during my gap year we gave my desk which was huge to my Grandad. Now I'm back living at home I need a desk but unfortunately my old desk would just be too big for my room now coz I have some storage cabinet type things in now, plus I wouldn't want to take it back from my Grandad. So I ordered a new one, a smaller, thinner, dark brown/black one that looks really nice! And it's getting delivered tomorrow so although I plan to sleep in tomorrow again, I have to be up in time to receive the delivery.
All in all, things are good- my knee hurts but I'm still loving uni and feeling happy again :D which is very important!
Much love xxx
So I went on the CU weekend away and loved it :D until I twisted my knee and ankle whilst playing a silly game in the dark!
Foolish of me, I know, it was actually a really fun game but it ended badly...I tripped down a tiny step along the girls corridor and hurt myself. I pretty much cried solidly for the next hour or so coz I was in so much pain.
Sunday morning my ankle felt much better but my knee was still very painful and I couldn't put any weight on it, after a late night conversation with my parents (I woke them at about 1am I think- oops!) my dad came and got me on sunday morning...it meant that I missed the last talk and the group photo but there's no way I could've done the journey back in a packed car!
So anyways Dad and I stopped at Abingdon minor injuries on our way back to get it checked out. I was told it was either a ligament injury or a fracture- so I was given crutches and asked to come back the next day to have an x-ray (the x-ray machine wasn't open on sundays). So that's what I did today...with Mum in Derby and Dad in Farnborough, my Grandad came to the rescue and took me :) after a couple of x-rays and not too much waiting around I was told I haven't fractured it (yey!) so they took away my crutches (boo!) and told me to rest alot and do gentle movement around the house...definitely shouldn't be going to lectures....
Now taking away the crutches was a good thing because actually I don't have the upper body strength to use them really! but saying no lectures wasn't a good thing...I'm not your typical student, I love my course and after missing last tuesday's lectures due to illness, I really didn't want to miss tomorrow. I miss my friends and I want to catch up on what I missed. But I also understood that I shouldn't be walking too much on my knee...a little bit around the house but not too much. So we've managed to borrow a wheelchair from a friend and I'm going to lectures tomorrow! I'll be in the wheelchair so will still be resting my knee (like I was told) but will get to go to my lectures and my friends are going to wheel me around all day- lovely people that they are!
Now, I'm about to go to bed and was thinking about tomorrow and had a little knot in my stomach, like I get when I either don't want to do something or I'm nervous/stressed about something. I was trying to work out what and I think I worked it out...I don't want to attract too much attention. I don't need the wheelchair, I can walk- it just hurts, and I know that I'm going to end up explaining the whole story a million times tomorrow. I think I was worrying about people looking and wondering what's wrong but then I realised that I go to the School of Health and Social Care...people are so nice there! I don't think anyone would say anything bad actually. And I just need to work out how to tell people what happened in one or two sentences rather than worry about the whole story.
I guess I just want to go in and do my lectures without it being a bit deal but being in the wheelchair, whilst it being practical, is going to attract attention.
Plus I'm just really tired and everything seems worse when I'm tired. And in relevance to how I felt a few weeks ago...this is nothing! I'm so happy with uni and how things are going now, I just need to stop worrying about silly things!
So I'm off to bed, get some rest and hopefully tomorrow will be great :)
much love xxx
I figured it was about time to blog again and since I've been super lazy today and haven't done much work I thought I should do something productive!
There's good reason why I haven't worked today, I was ill yesterday...well actually I was ill monday night (combination of chinese takeaway and fair rides= not good!) so I spent yesterday recovering and testing the waters food-wise...today I'm still pretty wiped so I've just lazed about.
Tonight I'm going to the CU quiz night though so that should be fun :)
I have got quite a bit of work to do though so tomorrow I will be putting my brain in gear and doing some work but for now I'm just going to have a relaxing day.
Other than the obvious bad night on monday, I've had a very good week...before I got ill on monday 4 of my uni friends (Danni, Teresa, Dina and Adam) came and joined me and 2 of my abingdon friends (Hannah and Tip) at my house to have dinner and hang out before going to the fair together :D it was so much fun and the group just worked together, it was brilliant!
This weekend I'm going on the CU weekend away which will be fun hopefully...although I haven't really thought about it too much.
Overall this week has shown me that despite moving home, my uni friends are growing in number all the same and I'm still getting involved with the CU.
All is good!
Much love xxx
We've made the decision...I'm moving home.
Whilst you make think that this decision has been made too quickly or something like that...I didn't make the decision...God did.
Tuesday night I had a long conversation with my parents where basically the outcome was that I wanted to move home because I don't like halls but didn't want to make a quick decision...Mum wanted the whole thing to be over because its an emotional rollercoaster going through all this...Dad wanted me to do more nights, even if I was eventually moving home, because he wanted to prepare me for moving out next year and generally being away from home.
Wednesday lunchtime Dad spent some time with God and God very clearly said to him 'it's time to bring her home'. So that's what we're doing. Particularly because it came to Dad rather than Mum or I who were leaning towards me coming home, God had a reason for putting me at Brookes and when all this first started I gave him permission to do anything to over-ride what I was feeling- now to be fair I was thinking that if he wanted to change my halls situation and make it ok for me to stay there or whatever then he could...instead he decided to over-ride our thinking process and tell me to move home.
It's only sort of sinking in today that I'm moving home...I'm so happy but for the last few weeks I've felt so unsettled that it feels weird to have made a decision. I'm so pleased that I can move home and especially that I know it's what God wants for me too.
I'm obviously concerned about moving out next year since I don't want it to be as bad as this year. It'll be different because I'll hopefully be moving in with friends, but anyway I'm going to go on the CU weekend away next weekend which will be good because I don't have any best friends in that group yet but hopefully it will build those friendships and it means I'm staying away from home. Plus I'm going to try and spend some nights crashing on Lucy's floor or some other people at uni, if I've been out with them or something and its easier to stay than to come home then I'll do that...I think it's important that I do.
I know that people might think badly of me for moving home so quickly but you honestly don't know what it feels like or what I felt like whilst going through it all...it's hard to describe.
Just know that I'm happy at home, God wants me to be here and that's what is important. I love my course and am making friends at university...that's more than alot of people can say. Plus I haven't compromised who I am by trying to go out and drink loads with my flatmates as a way of fitting in. instead I'm happy to be who I am and do university a slightly different way!
I'm off to do some reading for my course :)
Much love xxx
Alright so I'm up pretty early for me, 7am! The thing is that last week my tuesday morning bus was pretty full and because of the traffic in Oxford I was 5 minutes late to my lecture...this is something that is not allowed! So this morning I'm getting the slightly earlier bus at 7.45am...but I needed a shower this morning so am up earlier than that!
I would worry about how tired I'll get but it's one morning a week (monday's lectures don't start until 10am) and for wednesday, thursday, friday and saturday I can sleep in for as long as I want :D (sunday last week I helped with kids group at St Aldates because I wanted to check out what it was like).
Tonight, after lectures, I'm waiting around a little bit for Katie (a 2nd year friend from CU) and then going to her house for dinner which should be good fun.
Tomorrow I'm going to work hard because we got given quite alot of work yesterday so I imagine we'll get given quite alot today too! and then I'll go to CU in the evening :)
On the whole halls vs home thing, I stayed in halls on sunday night after church...I wasn't very happy about it but I could pretty much go straight to bed and didn't have to worry too much about filling time there. It's just still lonely there...my flatmates were all in on sunday night (they were hungover from saturday night!) but mostly they were doing their own thing in their rooms. Its good to know I am capable of staying in halls and its not a huge monster anymore- although I still get anxious just thinking about being there :( but at the moment, I'm happiest at home.
Another thought though is that Monday and Tuesday next week, the fair is on in Abingdon which might affect the buses so I'm looking at whether I stay in halls or whether I maybe stay with Lucy at her halls or something like that...I haven't really thought about it and I'm trying not to!
Anyway I need to go dry my hair so I can go to uni :) will try and write more soon....the summary is that I'm happier but still feeling unsettles about everything.
Much love xxx
yesterday was a good day and today looks like it's going to be good too.
yesterday I got to sleep in, very important since I was exhausted, and then I did some homework in the afternoon and some reading in preparation for my lectures next week. then in the evening I went to CU which was fun :) both Rosie and Lucy couldn't make it so I was on my own but a couple of people recognized me from last week and so I had fun...arranged a couple of different social things over the next week which is great...its showing me that CU stuff can keep going even when I'm at home. Now I may still miss out on stuff so I'm still not making a decision but its good to know people are still up for meeting up with me etc.
I didn't think about it all too much yesterday but my one thought was: 'oh I think I could manage to stay over on monday night and then I'll be able to go home' which is very telling...it shows that I'm starting to feel capable of staying at halls but it still isn't the place I feel happiest.
We'll see what happens on monday night, I'll try and stay if I can but I don't know if I'll enjoy myself or be happy whilst doing it. in which case, is it the right place for me? on the other hand, I might get there and freak out again, but I hope not, I don't want it to become this big monster that I can't face.
I had a really good talk with people at CU last night and with a friend on msn and the general thought was that everyone reacts to university differently, some thrive and some freak, I should do what makes me happy and no-one is going to think I've failed if I move home.
Today Hannah Swift and I are going to visit Lucy over at Harcourt Hill, since she couldn't come to CU last night and wants to chat with me about stuff I thought I would tag along to Hannah's visit and it means I get to see Hannah too :)
Other than that I'm staying home and doing some work. got quite a bit of prep reading and homework to do this week. but I'm loving the course still so that's good!
much love xxx
alright so I said in my earlier blog that I wasn't going to blog properly and that you could read my mum's blog but my stomach has a knot in and I'm thinking about things and mum said it helped her to write her thoughts down when that happened so I thought I would try it.
I'm trying to find the balance between addressing my feelings and letting them out, without stirring up things I don't need to think about.
I think I'm going to write the thoughts that are going round my head in no particular order. Know that I'm not making any decision yet and none of these thoughts mean more than the other. They are just thoughts:
- I wanted to listen to music earlier but realised most of my cd's and my PC speakers are at halls...my gut reaction was that I didn't want to go back there.
- Thinking about not wanting to miss anything or regret anything if I were to move home made me wonder what I thought I would be missing.
- That made me realise that I won't know if I'm missing stuff with CU people or anyone because it's too early to know what will be happening yet, will hopefully start to get a better picture on wednesday night at CU.
- which made me realise that I shouldn't make a decision yet.
- which I hate because I hate this feeling in the pit of my stomach when I'm stressing about things.
- all of my coursemates have said to move home if that'll make me happy, most of them are commuting in anyway and actually we're more likely to socialise at lunchtimes or after lectures on mondays/tuesdays.
- my personal tutor said to move home if I'm unhappy because my energy should be on my studies not on being miserable.
- I love my course and I'm happy at lectures and with my friends on my course.
- I'm fortunate that if I choose to move home I don't have to give up my course because that would be the worst thing in the world!
- I met 2 women on my course who also commute from abingdon so will be taking the same bus.
- I don't want being in halls to be this big monster that I can't face.
- Which means I should stay over in halls at some point.
- I'm scared that if I can survive a night in halls then that means the decision is made and I should stay in halls.
- Mum reassured me that just being able to stay in halls doesn't make it the right choice if I'm still not happy there.
- being capable of staying in halls, doesn't make it an enjoyable experience. It doesn't make it the right choice.
- not making a choice gives me a knot in my stomach for most of the day.
- I shouldn't make a choice yet because I might regret it.
- should I stay over in halls sunday night and then I can come home monday night?
- should I stay over monday night instead?
- or tuesday night?
- will I even be able to stay in halls?
- if I do, will I then be expected to stay in halls just because I can?
- well, no, because if I'm still not happy there then that's not the place for me.
- will there be a day when I don't feel like crying coz I'm worrying about this so much?
- why aren't I relying on God more?
- why is this all so hard?
The cycle continues, with all the different thoughts going round and round.
And I'm still very tired from everything at the weekend so all my feelings and stresses are magnified.
I don't have a clue what to do.
I hate not knowing what to do.
I hate feeling like this.
I like being at home though.
And I'm definitely happier today.
I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens over the next few weeks....who knows. My thoughts are moving rapidly and that's tough to cope with. I've had the same conversation with my parents a million times, just because at the moment, whilst I'm too tired to keep my perspective, I need someone to tell me its ok and that I'm ok and that I don't need to make a decision and that I shouldn't stress.
hope this blog wasn't too hard to follow.
much love xxx
I'm home today, and was home sunday and monday night too.
my mum's blogged on it http://kalbrombley.blogspot.com/2008/09/home.html
and she says it very well so if you want to hear about it then read hers. I'm too tired to write about everything yet.
my brief thoughts are:
- if you plan to make a comment about how I should 'stick it out'...don't.
- I have brilliant parents who are supporting me in any of my decisions because they want me to be happy. So don't even think about telling them to push me to 'stick it out'...they're good parents who care about how I feel...don't make them feel otherwise.
- I now realise how happy I was over the summer and am appreciating it more...that sort of 'only miss it once it's gone' type feeling.
- I have no idea what I'm going to do and I'm trying not to think about it because that makes me nervous and gives me a horrible feeling in my stomach that I hate. I'm just taking it as it comes at the moment.
- finally...I had a fab day at uni today doing my course, I enjoyed my lecture despite thinking I would be terrified of my lecturer- even though I was late she was nice about it. I met people in my Fit for Practice group that take the bus from Abingdon too so am hopefully going to be seeing them on the bus.
That's all my thoughts for now.
much love xxx
I ended up seeing Anna and Hannah yesterday, they came to see the flat, it was great...we went to see a movie, it was great...we got to dinner, I broke down crying.
I'm really struggling at uni at the moment. I'm fine during the day when I'm at my course and I have friends on my course, but when I'm at my flat I feel very alone...and that feels horrible.
Anna ended up staying last night which was good...meant I didn't cry myself to sleep...but this morning she's had to go home and I'm alone in my room again and I hate it.
It's not so much the being away from home, it's being in a place where I don't feel comfortable around all my flat-mates, although they're lovely people. I do stuff during the day and for the most part I'm fine, it's when I get back to the flat and am on my own in a strange place. If I was living with friends I think it would be different, but I'm not. My flatmates go out most nights into town and I don't want to do that. So I'm home alone...there's no inbetween option. And even if there was, I'm not sure how much it would help the fact that I'm living with people who are quite different to me.
Anyway when we went to pick Anna's stuff up, I didn't go home, Mum came to me and we talked about it all and realised there's alot of options of what to do to make it better. And that's the worst part when I feel alone, I feel like I have to continue to feel like this and hope it gets better. But I don't.
To start with I can come home on weekends if that helps, I can see Mum during the week, Anna has said she could stay over another night later this week before she goes back to uni in october. The other end of this scale is that I move home and commute in. We're not going to make any decisions like that just yet, but I felt like that wasn't an ok option, like I'd be letting down my parents if I did that. Mum reassures me that I wouldn't let them down and she would never force me to stay here feeling miserable. So it's good to know I have that option and I was thinking about it, I'd still go to St. Aldates I think and the CU and stuff, I don't think I would come back to Christchurch or anything. And then hopefully 2nd year when I've made some good friends in CU or on my course, I can move in with people who are similar to me and who I feel comfortable living with.
But that's a long way off yet, we're going to try coming home at a weekend and things like that first. Things like, I'm having lunch with Mum and PJ today...and tonight Hannah's joining me to go to St Aldates.
Be praying for me...not that I would stick it out and be fine...because I know alot of you are thinking that's what I should do...instead please pray that I make the right decision for me and the right decision by God. I think part of him placing me near home is because it gives me these options, if I was in Bristol it would be all or nothing because I'd have to stay there in order to continue my course, whereas here I have no chance of losing my place on the course and can continue doing that whatever my living arrangements are.
Much love xxx
I've lost track of what day it is!
I'm also about to go to bed so this shouldn't be a long post.
tonight I'm feeling a bit weepy. I talked to Mum, Dad and PJ earlier via webcam which was very nice but I don't think that's what's making me weepy...I think its just tiredness :( so I'm trying to get an earlier night (11.10pm is earlier, just to give you an idea of my bedtimes this week!) and hopefully tomorrow I'll feel better. I had a small cry earlier but it wasn't really crying coz I'm not sure what emotions I was letting out...if that makes any sense.
mostly I think I just have that feeling in the pit of my stomach when something isn't quite sitting right. It didn't go away by kinda crying, so I'm hoping it doesn't stop me sleeping and then it'll be gone in the morning.
another long day at uni today and another long day tomorrow. but then got the CU bbq in the evening so that should be good :)
hope you're all well, I'm off to sleep!
much love xxx
this is just a short blog because I had a good night and I'm going to enjoy the rest of it and not get homesick.
even reading Mum's blog didn't make me feel too sad...I was prepared for the soppiness though.
what did just make me feel homesick was talking to PJ...I miss him...I started a game on facebook with my parents and PJ never plays it but for the last few weeks he's come upstairs and looked over my shoulder to do it with me....he isn't here.
just had a quick cry but I'm getting better at riding out the wave.
especially since I had a particularly good night tonight at CU, made some good friends and had a great time :)
infact I'm no longer crying, just taken a deep breath and put on some music ('zero to hero' from disney's hercules...just incase you're interested!) and am fine now.
I also saw Mum for lunch today which was nice, cheered me to see her and I think Anna's coming to visit sometime soon so I'm looking forward to that.
Plus I got my first notes for one of my lectures today and starting to read it and organize my folders made me excited for the next couple of weeks...and thinking in a slightly longer term way wasn't too bad this time either.
ok, so this blog is longer than I meant to write...it's all PJ's fault!
am off to eat the rest of my late night dinner and watch a dvd before sleeping in my actually quite comfy bed :)
much love xxx
not much to write for now, been to freshers fair today and going to CU meeting tonight.
this will actually be on the internet :) as will the 3 posts before it which I only just managed to post online!
read and comment
much love xxx
I doubt that once my lectures start I will continue to blog daily but for now its the space I need to let out my feelings.
today hasn't been so bad. at the moment I have a headache and am very tired but I plan to fix that by taking more medicine soon and then getting an early night.
I didn't end up enrolling today, instead I registered at the school of health and social care and had a long day of stuff. most of it was useful information but it could have been squeezed into less time, particularly since we've got thursday and friday full of stuff at the school too.
Dina and I ended up hanging out for most of the day, along with Adam (not flatmate Adam, social work Adam) which was fun. Dina and I have realised that we're basically chalk and cheese. She's rebelled against her traditional muslim upbringing and turned into a partying, smoking, very laid back girl. I am the opposite, a strong christian with a strong faith who doesn't like to club, definitely doesn't smoke and likes to be in control of when things happen.
but it works. she respects my faith and has even asked questions, she understands that clubbing isn't my scene so is meeting me half way and we'll just go to pubs when its the two of us. we have the same stupid sense of humour and because we know we're different and don't try to change each other it works. I think she might be the first proper friend I've made at uni. who knows whether it'll last but for now it means that I'm not at all nervous about who to sit by in my lectures.
Adam is a quiet, laid back, lovely guy. likes to party too but also has had a steady girlfriend for 4 years and seems to be pretty content to just cruise through life as he is.
the three of us have decided to stick together for now. and I like being part of a group like that. I miss being part of a group like that. I have no idea whether they'll be my closest friends forever but for now they make me feel alot less lonely so that works for me.
so tomorrow once I finally do enrol I can get internet, which I really miss. stupid I know...'what did we do before internet?' but its one of the easiest ways to get information and also to talk to friends. Steph got her internet today so I quickly checked my email and facebook and had missed comments and messages but didnt have time to reply to them so will hopefully do it soon.
I'm also having lunch with Mum tomorrow. we talked about whether to have lunch at mine or at her work and I realised that no-one else had had their parents over yet and I didnt want to be the first but I still really wanted to see Mum but she didnt want me to feel like I had to see her and didn't want me to feel like I couldn't tell her that...anyway after a couple of phone calls we worked out that we'll get lunch and go to her office. It's weird, working out the way of doing things like that. gave me a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one I get when I'm stressed and can't work out what the real problem is. I think Mum put her finger on it though...this isn't home. Inviting my friends over to check out my new room is one thing but hanging out with people or with my family, it isn't the same because this isn't a home where I feel entirely comfortable yet. It's just a room surrounded by a bunch of others rooms with other people that I don't really know yet.
but like Mum said...it's only been a few days.
it feels like a few months since I left home.
still getting the homesick waves.
just getting better at dealing with them.
all this will be on the internet tomorrow and I'll try to keep writing as regularly as possible. but since tomorrow night is the first CU meeting, I'm hoping to find some real friends, people who get me in a different way...maybe then I'll begin to feel more comfortable.
much love xxx
so I actually slept really well last night, once I'd cried and called Anna so she could calm me, I was fine once I rode the homesickness wave out.
today was pretty good too. Steph and I ended up going into oxford, having a moo-moo's, buying a toaster and just relaxing. it was fun :)
tonight was the booze crawl. which started really early at 5.30pm. it wasn't very good to be honest. the bars and pubs we stopped at were good but most of the reps (not all of them) were 2nd year guys just looking for freshers to sleep with. and we ended up walking from cowley to the city centre which is a good 2 miles I think...and I hate walking. right now I can't really feel my feet!
we ended up at Bar Risa at 10ish which was nice but by that point I'd drank more than I normally do, been ignored by guys trying to hit on my more attractive friends (not all the guys were this shallow, we met a couple of nicer guys) and was ready to leave. I stayed for the foam party bit but by 11pm I was calling for a taxi. I could have walked through Oxford to get my bus but I'm not stupid. Dina, the girl from my course who's also in my halls, wanted to stay but didn't want me to go on my own so paid for my taxi.
I had a couple of really fun moment tonight but mostly I just realised how much that is not my scene. and I don't know why I felt like I had to try and fit in with that scene. I know uni life is supposed to be all drinking and clubs but to be honest, I really can't wait to go to the christian union on wednesday night, find some proper friends and start being me again.
I can feel a wave of homesickness coming on again, due to combination of tiredness, alcohol and thinking about it too much.
going to go watch a dvd. much love xxx
its the end of my first day at university. now I don't have internet until tuesday so this will be a delayed post but I needed somewhere to let my feelings out about it all.
it went well. I moved all my stuff in yesterday but stayed at home last night before bringing the last few things over and moving in properly. my flatmates are all lovely.
Annie- I'd already met her on facebook and we get on great, same taste in films and I really like her :)
Steph- the rest of our flatmates ended up at the icebreaker disco before Steph and I tonight and it was packed with a line outside so the two of us ended up taking the bus to Harcourt Hill SU bar with Luce coz it was pretty empty. I really enjoyed it coz it meant Steph and I got a chance to chat just the two of us. She's really nice and so funny :)
Meagan- no idea if I've spelt her name right but she's lovely too. from south africa and has such a bubbly personality.
Callum- the most random person ever! really funny and nice but switches topics so quickly and says the most random things.
Adam- really nice guy, smoker but we'll forgive him hehe, genuinely lovely guy.
none of them are horrible, they're all nice. I'm not sure I'll end up good friends with all of them but on first appearances I think they'll be nice people to live with.
wow. talking about living with people makes it kick in how long term this is. tonight I got hit by a bit of a homesick wave whilst I was out. I called home briefly earlier but I wasn't feeling too bad then. it comes in waves really. right now I'm feeling another one coming, the tears are welling a little bit. I'm excited to be here and have so much stuff to do this week but I miss home. I miss my family already and just having friends that I know around. it helps having Lucy nearby coz I can lean on her a bit.
I'm resisting the urge to call home. aside from the fact that its 12.50 and too late to be calling really, I know that I just need to ride the wave out and it'll be fine. I have so much going on this week and once I get into a routine with lectures and start making good friends I'll be fine. it's just really weird. I miss the normal sounds of my family around the house and I miss having PJ to tease and I miss it all really.
I am fine really. Not giving up or anything. Just allowing myself to feel these things.
Tomorrow Steph, Annie and I are going to head into Oxford to look around and buy a toaster! should be a good chance to get to know them better. I'm already comfortable knocking on Annie's door in search for company but not for a hug just yet. which is sort of what I need right now. I guess my cuddly toys will have to do!
right, I'm going to go before I make myself cry any more! for those who read this back and worry about me (that means you Mum) I really am fine, I promise. just having the first lull of university life and the feelings are sinking in.
I'm sure I'll write another blog tomorrow.
much love xxx
today is the day I move to university.
its a very weird feeling, I think my mum summed it up best, it feels like I'm just going on holiday for a couple of weeks, it hasn't quite sunk in how long-term it is.
this morning I'm packing the rest of my stuff, in particular everything in my room (i.e. photo frames, hair stuff, jewellery, clothes). which is going to be a mission but never mind.
we're going to head to oxford after lunch, so I've got a couple of hours to pack everything. then we wait for PJ to come home before taking me to my halls. although PJ has conveniently managed to get out of having to move stuff when we get there since he's now on crutches with a badly sprained ankle...and it takes alot for my brother to be in pain and have to suffer with crutches...so maybe I'll let him off.
I'm writing this blog on my new laptop which is very exciting but still taking some getting used to. my dad just got back from food shopping so after that we're going to pack things up.
its very very weird to be having to pack up most of my room and just going round making sure I get everything from each room.
anyway I ought to go and continue packing!
much love xxx
my new laptop has this feature where I can access my blog in a slightly different way. this is just checking to see if it works!
much love
