last thoughts of 2009

So tomorrow is New Year's Eve and as always we're doing a murder mystery party which will be good...but it makes for a busy day so I'm sure I won't blog tomorrow therefore I thought I'd blog today :)

Especially since I've been reading some other blogs, including one or two about a new blog project (indievisualjournal.blogspot.com) where people are going to draw/photograph/be creative every day for the whole of 2010. Which I have to say I am inspired by...and I'll admit I contemplated joining in...but I know myself and I can barely blog once a week, let alone blogging something every day! Unfortunately my life is just far too busy with university and placement at the moment to take on something else!
However I am determined to try and be more dedicated to this blog, to try and not just moan but to write a bit more often about random and wonderful things.

I'm trying to think back over the last year...and I've just read some of my blogs from this past year...and wow was that a blast from the past...working through january, sinusitus in february, godzone sleepover in march, bridesmaids dress shopping in april, assignments in may, ruth's wedding dress fitting in june, america and grandpa in july, august was new wine and holiday club, my birthday, ruth's wedding and back to uni in september, october/november/december are all a bit of a placement and uni blur!

Ah well...it's over now, next semester is still busy but not as crazy :)

Lows of 2009: sinusitus, grandpa dying, panic about staying in oxford, lots and lots of work.
the lowest has to be the rollercoaster of Grandpa's death, not quite sure how Grandma has kept going but so far she has, I think being in the nursing home has helped.

Highs of 2009: everything wedding related (dress shopping, dress fittings, hen night, the wedding itself), being at uni and loving it, new housemates, new friends, a good summer.
the highest has to be university...despite the amount of work I love every minute of it, it's exactly the job I'm supposed to be doing and there is something amazing about enjoying the work that you do.

Another thing I think it's important to mention, which I just realised I hadn't blogged about...I stayed in Oxford :D just for one night and I haven't managed to do it again because it was right at the end of term. But I did it and it was alright. I think because we have a new plan for next year I was able to take the pressure off myself a bit.

Well...this blog has taken alot longer to write than I'd planned but I really enjoyed reading my blogs back and reliving 2009.
Tomorrow I will see in 2010 and I have to say I'm looking forward to seeing what next year has in store...I am half way through my degree and loving it...bring on the next year :D

Much love xxx

Christmas Eve :)

It's almost Christmas and I'm finally starting to relax...I've spent the last couple of days still feeling as though in the back of my mind I know I have work to do, it's slightly stressful...but this morning I just sat on the sofa and watched tv and that made me realise that it was actually the holidays and I could just waste time doing nothing and that was ok.

Before that I'd kind of been unable to relax properly because I felt like there was work that needed to be done and there was no time for relaxing...which is how I've felt this entire term actually!
But now I'm starting to realise that I can allow myself to just chill out and do nothing...unfortunately this has resulted in me being quite unmotivated and not wanting to do anything...not something that can happen since there's so many jobs to do!

Christingles tonight was fun, just some good, old-fashioned christmas carols and candle-lighting...I enjoyed it :) followed by fish & chips for tea...not the most traditional dinner but it was yummy!

Now I'm tracking Santa on the web and he's getting closer...I love Christmas, I'm such a little kid and it kind of makes me sad that it's only today that's I've fully been able to relax and enjoy it. I've spent December being excited about the Christmassy things (lights, decorations, songs, presents, etc) but not fully relaxing and enjoying the really amazing things about Christmas (Jesus, family, quiet time to relax, etc). But hopefully I'm there now and can fully enjoy tomorrow with my family :)
I hope you all enjoy Christmas Day too.
Much love xxx

Almost there...

I know I promised more blogging but our house has been a little crazy since my dad slipped a disc in his neck! (read mum's blog http://kalbrombley.blogspot.com/ for more information on that!)

I'm into my last week of term and I am so ready for it to be over...I'm tired and mentally drained...and emotionally drained for that matter...it's just all been crazy tough with placement and so many assignments, I've got one left before Christmas (due in thursday) and after last week I'm just ready to be done.

Last week I finally had to give in to the fact that I was ill...I completely crashed on Wednesday & Thursday, just drifting in and out of sleep on the sofa...which sucked because I had a big assignment due in on Friday so I had to force myself to finish writing it whilst feeling horrible.

This week I'm feeling better but am still suffering from a lack of sleep...I'm trying really hard not to just throw this assignment away though simply because I can't be bothered....it's my children's assignment and that's the area I want to work in so it's important that I show that I'm capable of working in that area and that I do the best I can.

Anyway I need to go to placement...even though I don't really have the energy, I'll just have to find a way. There's the possibility of snow today so I'm praying and hoping for that!
Much love xxx

December...wow!

I can't believe it's December...I last blogged back on 22nd November which feels like ages ago! I'm sorry that it's been so long, I've just been incredibly busy and also the last week or so I've had a horrible cold that has wiped me out.

I hate being ill when I have so much to do...I won't let myself give in to it and be properly off ill. Thursday morning I missed lectures because I felt so bad, I only went in for the afternoon to collect my assignment...it's so weird. I never miss lectures. And then yesterday I still went out and did some flyering for CU carol service and also went out to see a play in the evening. Today I was supposed to be going to Wales for the day and despite not feeling good, I went anyway! Of course now I'm completely wiped out :( I just have stuff I want to do and assignments to write and placement that I need to go to and it's just impossible for me to take a day off.

I was just reading that back...'I never miss lectures'...haha...that is such an incredible statement...a completely true statement, I don't just miss lectures because I can't be bothered, although I totally could, there's lots of people who do...but I don't. I enjoy my lectures and I never just skive off. Which sounds so incredible because just 3 years ago my teachers were saying that I might have to repeat year 13 because my attendance was so poor. I missed lots of lessons because I couldn't be bothered and I paid the price for it with my grades (although that was partly down to stupidly hard exams too!). But now I'm doing a degree that I love, with lectures that are interesting and that I enjoy, and that not only shows in my grades but in my attendance too.
I do have to admit that I'm proud of myself. Of how I did in year one, of how hard I've been working the last 10 weeks to get through this semester, and I hope that I never lose that feeling...I hope I continue to work hard and continue to love every minute.

For now I've handed in 4 assignments and have 2 to go. One of those was a formative assignment that I got back on thursday in order to complete and hand in on 17th december. The feedback I got was good so that's nice. Right now my initial concern is my research assignment that's due in on friday. I have all the notes and basics of it written down, and I have hit the books and got most of the references sorted too...now I just need to sit down and type it up. It's just quite a boring subject and not exactly an attractive prospect but I'll have to get on and do it.

But not tonight, tonight I'm just going to continue to crash and hope that this cold goes away because my next 'day off' isn't until friday (tomorrow we're decorating the house for christmas and I'm also writing research). So I need to just push through and rest when I can :)

I think that's a pretty good blog for now :) I'll try and keep writing but obviously everything is a bit hectic, but christmas is soon and I've got just under 2 weeks off which will be nice!
That's all, I'm off to surf facebook and maybe nap a little!
Much love xxx

Belated update!

I just realised that I totally forgot to follow up on my latest blog! I got 13% in the test which is amazing!!! it doesn't sound it lol but the whole test counts for 20% of our final grade and I got 13% out of 20% so that's really good :D
Much better than I thought I did, I think our lecturer was more generous than I thought she might be so everyone did well.

To update, I am super tired and super stressed!
I have three assignments due in this week and then one a week for the 3 weeks after that...so that's alot of work. Plus I'm still doing placement so it's pretty manic.

However I feel better after working hard all day, I now have one assignment complete and the other two are about 90% done they just need the finishing touches so that's very good. I'm about halfway through all the other assignments too so I'm on track. I just think that the next 4 weeks are going to fly by and it'll be christmas before I know it.

Oooh speaking of Christmas, I saw the coca-cola advert so it's officially Christmas! Haha that's a bad thing for a christian to believe isn't it?!
Seriously though, I love Christmas, I'm sure I've mentioned this before, it's just so much fun and family filled :)

I think I'm going to end this blog here because I need to go to bed, I have placement in the morning and it's going to be a busy busy day I think! I'll try and blog more!
Much love xxx

a day where only fireworks could cheer me up...

Today was a crap day. It was one of those days that fools you into thinking it'll be a good day before making you take a stupid exam and showing you what kind of day it really is.

I had an exam today, one that is worth 20% of my final grade...and I revised...I revised hard! But I got into the exam and realised that I'd revised the wrong thing :(
Not totally the wrong thing...that would've been really bad...I just focussed my revision on certain things and there weren't as many questions on those things as I thought there were going to be...and more questions on other things.
So I went from being pretty confident in myself to realising that I wasn't going to do well and that I'd been foolish for thinking that I could've got a good grade.

Ok so I'm being over-dramatic there...I can still get a good grade, I just have to work super hard for the essay...the bonus of this test was that if I'd done well then it wouldn't given be a good baseline and possibly pushed my essay up a grade. This way I'm going to have to push myself harder in the essay.
I think I'm just gutted because I put the work in and I was pretty confident that I was going to get around 15%, but I know myself and I know my answers and I think I potentially got around 5% instead which doesn't sound like much lower but it is.
I guess we'll have to wait a week to find out what I actually got!

Anyway so I was sitting here feeling crappy and down, which is kinda ok because I think sometimes you need to wallow before you can pick yourself up and move on, and I heard banging outside...in all my dramatic 'I've failed!' commotion, I completely forgot that tonight is fireworks night and outside my window are some beautiful fireworks...and that made me smile :)
Fireworks are amazing because they are so pretty but they are only momentary, you can't capture it in a picture (at least not properly) but in the tiny fleeting moment you get to see something breathtakingly beautiful...God's kinda like that when he truly reveals himself (and I mean really truly touches your heart), it's fleeting but beautiful, it can't be captured in a picture but the memory lasts forever...heaven's going to be like an eternity of fireworks!

Hehe I just read that last paragraph back and realise that I likened God to fireworks...but in the moment just then, it's what went through my head and it made me feel better, even if it isn't quite theologically sound!

Sorry it's been so long since my last blog, I've just been busy with placement and lectures and assignments, this semester is completely mental and sometimes I have no idea how I keep going...something about it only being six more weeks and then it'll get easier and it'll be Christmas and things...mostly I think I'm leaning heavily on God for energy and thanking him for my amazing friends and family who are keeping me smiling.

So for tonight I'm going to wallow in my own self-pity and keep kicking myself for not revising the wider subjects, and then tomorrow I'll pick myself up and keep going...mostly because I don't have a choice!
Much love xxx

Doing better

I just realised that my last blog was over a week ago and was quite a dramatic one...and since I hadn't blogged in a while you might've wondered what happened to me! I'm absolutely fine :)
Didn't go away last weekend, decided to stay home and catch up on some rest and some work, and ultimately put myself and my degree before my social life...wow I sound so grown up!

I could've gone on the CU weekend away and had a fab time but I would've come back even more exhausted and that wasn't worth it. I was also starting to get a bit of a cold, and since Mum is down with the swine (yep that's right, the oink oink flu!) I thought perhaps I should just rest and let my body fight off whatever this could've developed into!
As it turns out I simply have a cold and haven't yet developed the swine, which is good.

This week I'm more rested but swing between being super stressed out about uni work, to being pretty chilled about it...it tends to depend on my mood and how tired I'm feeling at the time!

Mostly I'm doing better though, sleeping better especially...I think I needed the weekend to rest, I'd gotten into this vicious cycle where I was tired and therefore wasn't doing enough uni work, and then having stress dreams about uni work so therefore not sleeping enough which just lead straight back to not having enough energy to do the work etc etc etc...
Now I'm more rested I'm doing better, less stressed and sleeping better :)

Which helps since some of my friends are having tough weeks, so I'm glad I'm feeling better and can be there for them :) sometimes it sucks when I have no answers for them though...I like to be able to fix things and sometimes I don't know how...

Tomorrow I have a full day of lectures after which I normally would've gone to counselling but that isn't working out so well...unfortunately the counsellor isn't actually working on getting me to stay in Oxford, and she told me last week that what I actually need is something that she can't offer me...so I think maybe I won't be seeing her anymore.
However I potentially have my own new plan about how to try it again...so we'll see...mostly I'm realising that I have so much uni work and placement stuff that it's great if I can work on staying in Oxford but it isn't exactly top of my list of important things to do!

Friday is the inturnment of Grandpa's ashes...I think I spelt that right...basically his ashes are going to be put in the ground of my Auntie Linda's grave...which sounds kinda weird but also kinda nice. It's taken a while to organise but hopefully it'll be a sort of closure to that chapter. It'll be sad but probably not as sad as the funeral.
And then this weekend I plan to set aside some real time to do uni work, I've been doing lots of bits and pieces but there's a couple of things I need to really sit down and do.

Anyway I think that's a good update on my life :) I'll try and blog again soon! Placement is going well, enjoying it lots and developing my skills so that's good too.
I'm off to bed soon to sleep :) mmm I do enjoy my sleep!
Much love xxx

exhaustion

I took a sleeping tablet last night to try and help me sleep, not that it helped much, and this morning it left me so drowsy and tired that whilst trying to drive to oxford this morning I almost crashed my car :(
I almost ran straight into the curb...so I pulled over into a side road. It just wasn't safe, I was functioning properly. Basically exhaustion has set it.
It's been coming for the last week but today it really hit me. Going from months of doing not alot, to doing 9-5 every day of the week has just taken its toll.
I'm not sleeping well because I'm having stress dreams; for example last night I dreamt that I had to sleep because I then needed to write 1000 word essay on it and then woke up stressing about having to write the essay, only to realise that it was just a dream...
Sounds silly but it means that I'm not sleeping great, I am sleeping, just broken sleep which is almost worse, messes with my head more :(

I have alot to do this week though, and then next weekend is the CU weekend away, hmm I'm debating taking a sick day off placement tomorrow to give myself time to recover. Depends how I feel at the end of today. Right now I'm crashed on the sofa with my duvet, just trying to rest up a bit and settle my nerves, it was kinda scary almost crashing...could've been so much worse!

I'll try and blog later this week :)
Much love xxx

hmm interesting week...

This past week has been very good at points...and very bad at others...
I've loved my days on placement, and definitely enjoyed being back at uni :D starting to do modules that are about specific service user groups and that makes it very interesting...learning how to do assessments and write reports...it's interesting because it feels much more practical.

There has also been low points, mostly a falling out with Danni :( it's become much bigger than I thought it would and has stressed me out alot. Not something I thought I'd be doing this week. But hopefully it'll blow over quickly. I managed to give myself a headache on Friday from getting so stressed and worked up about it, and that's not good.

On another high, we hosted a CU Girls Social (yes, capital letters...it was that important!) on Friday evening which basically consisted of 20 girls, 7 pizzas and one girly film :D we watched 'my best friend's wedding' which is one of my favourite films! Troy and I were singing along to every moment and started clapping in the right place and everything haha!
It was a huge success :D

Ooh and a definite high was Hannah coming back from Birmingham! She's back for 10 days before heading off to India...I hadn't realised how much I'd missed her actually :( until I saw her and couldn't stop giving her hugs!

I think that's all I have to say :) it's the fair this week and lots of people from uni are coming with me :D so I'm very excited! I do love the fair!
Also I'm looking forward to continuing my placement and going to lectures...this term is going to be insanely busy but I think it's going to go super fast too :)
Much love xxx

Start of the new term

alrighty so Freshers week last week was alot of fun...very tiring!
I'd managed to keep going on adrenaline all week and then saturday morning I completely crashed :( I was very much like a tired toddler...crying and pouting and needing my pillow to sleep in the car!
Why was I in the car? Because we all went over to Trowbridge to pack up my grandparents house. With Grandma in a nursing home now, we need to sell the house to pay for it so we were clearing out and sorting through everything.
I managed to put my 'professional' hat on and just get on with it...this is a new skill I am learning but something Mum's been doing for years! But it was sad, especially near the end when I realised it could be the last time I'm in that house.

This week I start the new term :D today was my first day at placement- I won't be discussing my placement on here, it's not appropriate. But I had a good day :)
Thursday and Friday are my first days of lectures and I'm looking forward to it actually, the new modules look good and although the next year is going to be busy...I think it's also going to go very quickly!
I'm especially starting to realise how little free time I'm going to have to socialise! And I don't even socialise that much!!

Anyways I think that's all to say, sorry it's not much, but it's time for me to go to bed now :)
Much love xxx

Beginning of Freshers Week

Freshers week is this week :) I'm excited!
Tonight's social was very good, it was just a chance to meet some of the freshers (some in particular I got to spend alot of time with which was very nice...start some friendships...)
There's lots of stuff going on with the CU and I'm going to everything :) it should be a great opportunity to meet new christians and hopefully support them as they start uni.

Unfortunately I'm very tired this week! I haven't been sleeping well and this week is very busy, with early mornings, long days, and late nights...hopefully the buzz of it will get me through. And the more tired I get, hopefully the better I'll sleep...hmm we'll see!

Finally this is my 300th blog post, which is pretty exciting :) I would like to dedicate it to my extra special sort of sister Hannah...who is lovely and beautiful and should enjoy her time in Birmingham and try not to let home things distract her from doing what God has planned for her (in case you hadn't realised Hannah, this is a direct message to you telling you to re-read my card and remember why you are there and how amazing you are!!)

That's all :)
I'll try and blog at the end of the week about the events of Freshers Week.
Much love xxx

bit of a blah week

This week has been a bit blah...not for any particular reason, which is almost worse because I don't know how to fix it.
I just feel flat and blah and I have no idea why...I thought it was because I was tired but I've slept pretty well the last few days, I then wondered if it was linked to all the staying in Oxford stuff but I don't think it is.

I'm not feeling any sort of distinct emotion or anything, I'm not stressed or angry or upset, so it's hard to work out what I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it.
I think it's almost like I'm stuck in a limbo, I haven't got alot happening right now, I want to be back at uni and doing stuff. I can't wait to be back in lectures and with my friends...although I am seeing my friends so that doesn't make sense...I'm not sure what I'm saying! Can't wait to just have work to do, have something to focus on and a purpose to my days...as much as I enjoy crashing on the sofa and watching tv, it gets old after a while and all the days roll into one..

Alright so I've read that back and realise that it sounds like nonsensical ranting! I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, it's hard to describe how I'm feeling!
Anyway I'll leave it, think I'm going to go into town, need to pick up a few bits and pieces...plus it's something to do :)
Much love xxx

a day in the life of a bridesmaid...

that title sounds like I do it alot but I don't! yesterday was a very special day :) I was bridesmaid for my cousin Ruth...not just any bridesmaid but chief bridesmaid (or maid of honour, not sure which one is the proper title!) and I was very honoured to have been asked and was very very excited when the day actually arrived.

7am: Wake-up time for bride, bridesmaids and mother of the bride...all of whom were staying at Val & Ivor's house (Ruth's parents)...well 2 of the bridesmaids were, me and Kaydie...Christine came later because she only lives 5 minutes away! This was also the wake-up time of Shelby-Louise who is Ruth's 2 year old daughter, very cute but also quite bemused to find extra people in the house who hadn't been there when she'd fallen asleep the night before!

8am: Hairdresser arrives after we'd all had showers and breakfast. She did Ruth's hair first, I spent this time entertaining Shelby by building towers and then letting her knock them down! Looking after Shelby was one of my duties for the day! Then the bridesmaids had their hair done, and Kaydie did all our make-up too which looked very pretty :)

10.30am: We realise that we have to leave in 15 minutes and aren't close to being ready! Having spent the morning relaxing because we 'had loads of time' suddenly we spent the last 15 minutes rushing around finishing getting dressed and then I helped Ruth into her dress (including putting her shoes and her garter on for her...I was being a very good chief bridesmaid!).

10.45am: The car arrives for Ruth and Ivor to go in, I start my other duty for the day which was making sure Ruth's train didn't drag on the floor and laying it out properly when it got caught up. We saw Ruth & Ivor to the car and then all 3 bridesmaids, Shelby and Val went in Val's car to the registry office. We arrived to find Ruth & Ivor sat in the car on the other side of the car park because Dean (the groom) and all the guests were still outside because the previous bride hadn't turned up yet!!
We spent this time taking informal photos and trying to entertain Shelby which was needed because she was starting to get tired and upset and grumpy (we found out later that she was not just tired but actually ill too!).
During this time Grandma also arrived, we'd managed to arrange a taxi to bring her from the nursing home and I had to not look at her too much because her tears were almost setting me off!

11.30am: We finally get into the registry office, all the guests went in and Ruth & Ivor went to do their part of the paperwork and then we were ready to go. I'll admit I had some pre-conceived notions of a registry office but they had done the inside up really nicely and the ceremony was actually really lovely. Us bridesmaids walked in first and then Ruth & Ivor came in, I took Ruth's bouquet and we all sat whilst Ruth & Dean did their vows (all of this made much more amusing by Shelby who spent the ceremony tipping out the contents of Val's bag, then taking off her shoes and just wandering around everywhere with a pack of tissues in her hand!)

1ish: After taking lots of photos at the registry office we made our way to the reception which was being held at a lovely hotel just outside Trowbridge. We had bucks fizz when we arrived and then took lots more pictures in the grounds of the house...many of which I was in because I was part of the bridal party!
By this point Shelby was getting very grumpy and not wanting to be in any photos so PJ was very good and put her in her buggy and took her for a walk until she fell asleep!
Also around this time my toes went numb from my shoes so I had to take them off! We had a bit of time to just hang around in the gardens and socialise before heading into the reception. It was during this time that Dean's 3 year old niece fell in the pond! very funny for everyone else but meant she got soaked and needed to go home to change...apparently she had a habit of falling in ponds!

2pm: the reception was in the restaurant room of the hotel which was beautiful, I was sat on a table with PJ, Christine and Phil (Ruth's brother/Christine's husband) and Kaydie, which was perfect. the food was lovely, I actually enjoyed most of it! Unfortunately just after the main course Shelby threw another fit, getting very upset, everyone was fussing over her and eventually Ruth just got her out and took her out, I went out too and offered to try pushing her in her buggy again...something I think Ruth was grateful for...so I had a lovely bit of time just walking round the gardens with Shelby waiting for her to drop off. After a little bit she still hadn't fallen asleep and Dad came out and told me to go back in and have pudding and he would take over which was nice of him.

3.30pm: Speech time! Ivor did a lovely speech as father of the bride, especially mentioning how Grandpa couldn't be there and the wedding was a lovely time to have as a family...I definitely teared up then! Ruth then did a short speech, which Dean would've normally done but he hates attention so she did it! (seriously, it's impressive how well Dean coped with just getting married!) Ruth's speech was to toast the bridesmaids which was nice :) and then Rich the best man did another short speech which was funny but also sweet.

4.30ish- We had some time before the evening celebrations started so alot of us ended up finding chairs in the gardens, deckchairs to be specific and just having drinks and sitting in the sun...oh speaking of the weather, it was gloriously sunny and warm all day, you couldn't have asked for a better day.

6pm: The evening celebrations kicked off at the pub/restaurant over the road from the hotel, there was a DJ and it was 80's themed so some of the guests had gone home to change and then we spent the evening dancing and chatting and just enjoying ourselves.
I spent most of my time with Kaydie which was really lovely, was nice to have a friend to hang out with and dance with :)
There was also a load of the kids around and we hung out with them lots which was fun. Especially because they had no inhibitions about dancing with us!
Ruth and Dean did their first dance and later Ruth threw the bouquet, which Kaydie caught! I was close though!!!
About 10.30pm the celebrations ended, half the people had already headed home and Dean & Ruth headed back to the hotel for the night :) I went back to Val & Ivor's which was where PJ and I were staying for the night (Mum and Dad were staying at a B&B)

All in all, it was a lovely day, very fun and family filled. I laughed alot, almost cried seveal times, and have never known two people more perfect for each other. They've lived as a family for the last couple of years but that day was about them making it official and about us being able to celebrate with them. I was honoured to have even been able to share the day with Ruth & Dean, being part of the bridal party was even better!

Today we had a BBQ with Val & Ivor and another family, then headed home...oh before that we also watched the Grand Prix, and I have to say...I enjoyed it! normally I roll my eyes and make fun of PJ & Dad for watching it, mostly coz I don't understand what can be exciting about cars going round the same track 50 times! but when you watch the whole thing and know the context, it's actually pretty interesting!
And this evening PJ & I went to Space Celebration which was good fun, nice to see friends and just have some time to worship God. I'm trying not to stress about house stuff anymore and just hand it over to God, easier said than done but I am trying!

That's all I have to say...although that's a pretty long post! but I wanted to do the day justice!
Much love xxx

Need to get it sorted...

I need to get this whole 'staying in Oxford' thing sorted...I've tried to do it by myself by going and trying to stay there in different capacities but I can't do it.
I don't know why I can't, I don't understand what makes me panicked, I don't know what triggers it, and I don't know how to fix it.
So I'm going to the professionals...I'm contacting the counselling place tomorrow and just getting help. If it can be sorted then they are the ones who can sort it. I need to stop feeling bad and like the world thinks badly of me for not being able to (well...not sure I can actually stop thinking that but I'm going to try!) and stop putting a timescale on myself just because I'm worried about what people will say if I start term and still can't stay in Oxford.

All that matters is that I know who I am and that it isn't my fault that I can't do it and that I'm willing to get help because I want to get there. And that my family and close friends understand all those things too. Those people who make ambiguous noises because they don't understand when I say that I haven't been able to stay in Oxford yet, or who think that moving into my new house is this awesomely amazing experience for me, are just not worth me worrying about...because they don't understand.

I'm a good person.
I work hard.
I love my university course and can't wait to get back to lectures (I know, I'm a geek.)
I have amazing friends who do understand.
I've accomplished so much in the last couple of years that I never thought I could.
Not being able to stay in Oxford isn't something that is going to define me.
I won't let it.


Wow...needed to get that out my system...especially that last part, very affirming...I might need to print that out and stick it on my wall!

Oh and speaking of university course, yes I am a geek...I spent the evening planning my entire academic year, in particular my placement that runs from September-April. I could do more planning but the handbooks for my other modules aren't online yet...I can't believe I'm frustrated that the handbooks aren't online...I'm the girl that used to hate school and do the least amount of work possible! Now I am excited to go back to lectures, wish I could plan my year early and am looking forward to getting stuck into my assignments...
Although I can promise you that in about 2 months when the first assignments need to be written I will be complaining about how much work I have to do and how I wish I didn't have to do it...and at that point feel free to remind me of this post!

That's all I have to say for tonight :) I feel better after a cry and chat with my parents and this blog has been very theraputic...now I just need to get some actual therapy!
Much love xxx

They're back!

My parents are back!
It's lovely to have them home :D

PJ's been down today obviously, since Hannah left for Birmingham this morning...I feel so bad for him, I wish I knew how to help him feel better but I'm not sure that I can.

Anyway that's all I have to say in this blog I think...sorry it's not more interesting!
Tomorrow I'm doing foodbank in the morning and then possibly a bit of shopping in the afternoon. Seeing various friends throughout the week which'll be good :) and then this weekend it's Ruth's wedding which is very exciting :D

Much love xxx

Day Ten without parents (Part C)

I just said goodbye to Hannah which was very sad :( I'm going to miss her immensly!
This is just a small post to say how much I love her, she's like a sister to me and I will miss her so much!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Day Ten without parents (Part B)

Just an end of the day post to say that the rest of my birthday was brilliant too :D
I had a fab afternoon filled with Wii, junk food, amazing friends and general fun-ness. Then in the evening I went to Space which was fun too, we played silly games and then I hung out with the boys and girls at the back and heckled (in a good-natured kind of way!). Had lots of hugs and giggles...the perfect way to end the day.

Now I'm having a lovely cold drink and watching some trashy tv and looking forward to seeing my parents tomorrow :D
Much love xxx

Day Ten without parents

This is just a short post because it's my birthday :D :D :D
and I want to go enjoy the day but hopefully I'll blog again tonight!

So far this morning I woke up to find that PJ & Hannah had decorated the house with balloons and banners which made me feel very loved!
Then PJ made us breakfast and I opened presents...my main present from M&D is money but they'd also got me my own sewing things (sewing box, scissors, thread, pins etc) and wrapped them all up individually so that I had lots of things to open! Nan and Grandad also got my sewing things and money, including my own pin cushion with my name on it and everything!

I'm really chuffed with the sewing stuff actually, when I was making Hannah's skirt and PJ's rip-off suit I was using Mum and Nan's stuff and I was thinking 'oh it'd be nice to have my own set' but I never said anything and yet Mum knew and got me loads of things! it was really lovely :)
Plus I got to speak to Mum and Dad on the phone before we went to Godzone...

Oh speaking of Godzone...I wore my huge birthday badge (courtesy of Hannah) and took my little birthday balloon (courtesy of PJ) and decided there was no point being subtle about the fact it was my birthday! The whole of Godzone sang me Happy Birthday which was sweet and unexpected...and lots of people gave me hugs, especially the kids which was cute!

Now I'm back home and we're just tidying up and getting ready before we go have lunch at the Challis' which'll be fun, and then got people coming round for the party later! And then Space in the evening :D this is going to be a good day!

Oooh and Mum & Dad come home TOMORROW!!!! which I'm very pleased about, and since Dad has been a bit sick, I think they're about ready to come home too :)
Mum says yes to banner and balloons but Dad says no...hmm which parent do I listen to??? Guess they'll have to wait and see....

Much love xxx

Day Nine without parents

I realise that since yesterday's post was written just after midnight that it looks like I've already written a post today but I haven't!
So I thought I should write a quick blog :)
I had my hair cut today which was nice, keeping it similar but with a few differences, just so I don't get bored!
Then Kate came over and we watched old Laguna Beach episodes which I loved! we started watching the show together and have gotten hooked on the Hills together...I know it's reality trash tv but I love it because we can liken all the people on the show to people that we know!

Right now I'm sat chilling in front of the tv and just enjoying my last few hours as a teenager! Since tomorrow I will be 20 years old :D which is weird! no longer a teenager...but I'm looking forward to my birthday...especially since I had some beautiful flowers delivered this morning from Mum and Dad which put a big smile on my face! Obviously they don't deliver flowers on a Sunday so they had to come today, but it was nice...felt like a proper birthday weekend!

Anyway, I'm going to continue to just relax and look forward to my birthday! I'm sure tomorrow is going to fly by and then suddenly it'll be Monday and Mum & Dad will be coming home...I'm looking forward to seeing them...do you think balloons and a banner saying 'welcome home' to greet them at the airport would be too much???

Much love xxx

Day Eight without parents

Wow it's already Day 8... there's like no time left :) weird!

Today was a good day, had both Lynn and Val drop by which was lovely...it's nice to know that Mum & Dad's friends check up on us when they aren't around, makes me feel very loved!

Had lunch with Nan & Grandad which was good, sort of a birthday lunch/because M&D are away...and then spent the evening babysitting for the Murrays which was an experience, they're lovely kids but they love to push the boundaries...good thing I've been babysitting them for years and know all their tricks!

Tomorrow I'm having a haircut, I don't super need one but there's something nice about getting pampered at the hairdressers and since it's almost my birthday!
Oooh speaking of which, the first cards came through the post today and a few little gifts from N&G too so they're sat on the side now which really makes it feel like it's my birthday soon :D I'm started to be excited about it!

I watched Pride & Prejudice at the Murray's house and now I'm having to work really hard not to speak like they do in the film!
Anyway, that's all...sounds like M&D are continuing to have a brilliant time, and since the end is near and I'm not struggling as much without them I hope that they are able to enjoy the last couple of days without worrying about me as much! (Although don't stop the communication Mum! I enjoy our chats!)
Much love xxx

Day Seven without Parents

I couldn't do it :(
I couldn't stay in Oxford. I tried...I spent the whole evening there with PJ and Hannah, had a little wobble before leaving to go but got through it, we had dinner and watched 2 movies...and just as the 2nd film was ending and I started to think about going to bed...I panicked.
It sounds so silly because I was there...all I had to do was go upstairs and go to bed...but I couldn't do it. Well actually I'm pretty certain I could've but I was starting to panic and get upset and it wasn't worth trying to push through that.
So we came home.

And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed...I'm trying to force myself not to listen to the little voice that says 'you failed' because I didn't fail...I tried and I just wasn't able to do it this time. And that's not my fault, I can't control the panic and I can't explain it, it isn't rational. All I know is that it's better to realise it early and not to push myself.

I'm frustrated because I wish I could stay there...I want to...but it's like something takes over and I start to panic.
Part of it is left over feelings from halls I think, where I felt trapped at night and couldn't go home. And I actually think part of it is the whole moving out of home thing...it feels like as soon as I manage to stay a night then that's it, I should be living there properly...and I don't like that idea yet so I stop myself even getting there.
Does that even make sense? I'm not sure...

Basically I'm not sure whether part of the reason I panic is because I think that even if I push through and manage to stay a night, that would mean that I should be spending all my nights there and I'm not ready for that. Even if I manage to get through one night, doesn't mean I can then automatically do every night...people might say 'but if you've done it before you can do it again' and I'm not sure whether that is going to be true.
Getting through one night is one thing...feeling as though I want to do it...enjoying staying there...choosing to stay there...those are all very different things...

I don't have the answers...I don't know how to solve it...those are just my latest thoughts on the matter.
What I do know is that tonight was a good night...I enjoyed being at the house and that proves that I can still spend time there and hang out with my housemates there, even if I can't yet stay over.
I also know that I didn't fail, and that it isn't my fault that I panic and that I can't just stop myself feeling like that...I just have to recognise my feelings and change the situation early.
And finally I know that I have amazing family and friends who are all very supportive through this...which makes the unspoken comments from others, which they might not even be thinking but I imagine they are, feel so much less important!

My next attempt is going to be with my Mum I think...if anyone can talk me through it, she can, so we'll give that a go at some point...but there's no rush and no pressure :)
That's all I have to say, I'm going to have a little cry (not because I'm still upset, but because sometimes you just need to let the leftover emotion out!) and then I'm going to sleep.

Much love xxx

Day Six without parents

Today was a good day :)
I had a lovely chat with Val and have come to the decision that maybe I should get counselling for all this panic I get about staying in Oxford...it might sound over-dramatic to some people but for anyone who's been through it, a panic attack is horrible and although on Monday I didn't have a full-blown panic attack...I started to get panicked and I just can't control it.
Counselling it might help and I think it's worth a shot...so I'm going to try and sort that out.

Today I also went to the chiropractor to try and sort my back out...she wasn't messing around, basically my posture is terrible and I need to build up my core strength...so hopefully I can sort that out!

And tonight I went to the cinema with Kate which was alot of fun...that seems to be our thing at the moment hehe seen lots of films with her! but that's good :) it's nice to have someone who likes the same sort of films.

Tomorrow I'm doing some shopping with Caitlin, including trying to finally buy some shoes for the wedding! I should've got it sorted before now, I've been so rubbish!
And then in the evening I'm going to attempt to stay in Oxford again...we'll see how it goes...

Friday we're having lunch with Nan and Grandad and then I'm babysitting in the evening. Then it's Saturday and I'm having my hair cut and possibly going out for dinner with Kate, Luce & Jen again which'll be fun...and then it'll be Sunday and my birthday :D...and then Monday is the day Mum and Dad come home! I'm speaking to Mum every day and that's all I need in order to cope...I haven't cried yet today, although there's still a few hours left in the day haha! I'm just tired and emotional and have accepted that I'm a wreck this week!

Right, that's all for today I think, will blog again tomorrow :) possibly from Oxford but I'm not promising anything!
Much love xxx

Day Five without parents (Part B)

I'm a complete emotional trainwreck!
I was absolutely fine...I had spent the afternoon chilling out watching tv and stuff...and then PJ came home about half an hour ago...and I started crying!
What is wrong with me???

I'm tired, and generally emotional, and I think yesterday's emotions just continued...and I'd missed having PJ here too, the house felt totally empty...although I was fine yesterday night...
I seriously can't explain it! But I was just suddenly all teary...

I'm just going to chalk this week up as one of those weeks where I can't help it! I'm tired and emotional and everyone, including myself, is just going to have to accept it!

As my wonderful godmother put it: "allow yourself one little cry once a day and then go out and have fun and sleep in your own bed or any bed you choose (as long as you are on your own, you know my opinion on co-habiting beds without a wedding ring!!!)"

...She does make me smile :)

That's all!
Much love xxx

Day Five without parents

Wow it's day 5, that's like half way through the holiday :) which is bad for Mum and Dad because they seem to really be enjoying getting to relax...but it makes me feel better!

Today I worked at foodbank and then just spent the afternoon relaxing and watching tv, which was a very nice way to spend the afternoon actually!
Tomorrow I have a load of errands to run and also have an appointment at the chiropractor which will hopefully mean my back gets sorted out, it's been spasming and stuff the last week or so. And then I'm going to the cinema in the evening which'll be good :)

I'm feeling better about not staying in Oxford last night, I got a lovely pep-talk from my godmother and have decided to ignore the voice in my head that's telling me I failed...instead I'm choosing to remember all the things I've achieved in the last few years!

Right, that's all for today's blog I think...not much else to say!
Much love xxx

Day Four without parents

This is going to be a short blog because it's late and I'm tired!

I didn't stay in Oxford...I couldn't do it...got all panicked and just felt safer being at home. Which sucks a little coz I was hoping to be able to do this but I'm planning a 'sleepover' there later this week with some friends so we'll try again! if at first you don't succeed etc etc etc...

Had a brilliant time at the wedding though :) was so much fun to see people and it was truly a beautiful wedding. So that was all very good!

Still missing Mum and Dad like crazy but am learning to cope, being able to phone them and have internet contact helps alot.

Anyway I really need to go to bed!
Much love xxx
(p.s. Mum, I'm at foodbank 10.30-1pm (my time) so will probably call after that xxx)

Day Three without Parents (part B)

It's the end of the 3rd day and I had a really good evening...church was amazing (very profound talk) and afterwards I was just chatting with Mike, Joe and Tasha, and we were starting to get kicked out of church so I impromtly invited them over :) so for the rest of the evening the 4 of us just hung out at mine...sometime PJ and Hannah joined us too...and it was funny! ranging from deep conversations about the difference between boys and girls (the boys were interested to hear our insights into how girls think!) to very wrong conversations about things I cannot repeat online...or repeat ever infact!

All in all it was a really good way to distract myself for the evening...I'm going to have to chalk this one up to the big guy upstairs because there's no way I could've planned it any better and it was perfect, exactly what I needed!

Now it's late and I'm going to bed (they only left half an hour ago! it makes a difference when you don't have to worry about waking your parents with all the laughing!)
I'm starting to get that feeling in the pit of my stomach of missing my parents, I so wanted to tell them about the talk tonight, but it's late and I'm tired and I'm sure I'll talk to them tomorrow some time :)

Speaking of tomorrow, it's Nicole's wedding (Nicole is my focus group leader) so T, Claire, Caitlin and I are all heading over to see her get married which should be fun...it's been a while since the 4 of us have been together. And the current plan is to all stay at the Marston house...I have to admit I'm a little anxious about this but I'm hoping that I can do it...first time staying there but I'm praying that I can do it!

Much love xxx
(p.s. to Mum and Dad...am likely to get up late morning, will text when I'm awake...would be nice to have a chat if you're around, don't worry if you've got things planned!)

Day Three without parents

Alright so I had a bit of a cry last night...there wasn't much on TV and the house was quiet and I'm tired...and it suddenly hit me how much I miss Mum and Dad so I had a cry and I ended up calling Mum and Dad which helped alot.
I think the biggest part was that I was just tired and emotional, and normally the person I talk to when I'm like that is my Mum and she wasn't here, which just made me more emotional! but once I talked to her I felt better :) and I spoke to her today too which was nice.
It's probably just that I had a lull in the day, so I think I just need to keep busy :) and find things to do during the week.

This morning was the open air service at church which was really good, it was nice to see everyone again and sing some holiday club songs :)
Tonight I'm popping to Oxford to see T and Claire quickly before coming back and going to the evening service at church with some friends which should be fun...keeping busy!
I need to find some things to do this afternoon and also sort out what I'm doing this week but I'm feeling a bit better about things :) it helps to know that I can call Mum and Dad to just chat if I need to...I started off thinking that I shouldn't because I didn't want to interrupt their holiday but now I've spoken to Mum I know that they miss us too and are happy to talk to me and that I'm not taking away from their holiday!

Right, I'm off to find some things to do this week!
Much love xxx

Day Two without the parents

It's the second day without Mum and Dad and it's going ok...I'm starting to really miss them...
This morning PJ & I went to tesco's to do some food shopping and I think we did pretty well, we made ourselves tea and I'm about to watch the x-factor...

But there's just something missing from our house :(
It's not that we would be doing anything together necessarily but they're usually around at various points in the day and today they just haven't been...I spoke to Mum this morning and that was nice but it sounds like they might not get internet properly and I was kinda looking forward to being in contact with them that way and now that might not happen which makes me a little sad.

I'm glad they're having a good time and I don't want this to affect their holiday...it's just weird not to have them here...

oh well...they'll be back before I know it :)

Tomorrow is the open air service which is Holiday Club themed and will be good fun, and I think I'll go return the bookstore stuff at some point...and since T and Claire are arriving in the evening so I'll probably go and see them.

I think that's everything to say...I'm feeling a little sad and missing Mum and Dad but I'm pretty certain that alot of it is due to tiredness...I've had a good sleep but after a week of holiday club you just need more than one night of sleep to catch up properly! Once I've slept some more I'm sure I'll feel better :)
Much love xxx

Day One without the Parents

Today my parents went away on their fancy holiday in Mauritius...I took them to the airport and saw them off.
I've promised to blog faithfully every day since this is the first time our parents have left us on our own and they were worrying a little...we will be fine...we have a million people we can call on for help and I get the feeling we're going to get checked up on alot!
But I'm blogging now so that when they get to their hotel they can check my blog and see that we survived the first evening without them!

I've blogged about Holiday Club too so they can read that aswell :)

So I'm about to settle back and watch some TV with a glass of wine. I actually had PJ & Hannah pick me up a bottle on their way back...hmm drinking as soon as my parents leave...maybe we're not as responsible as they thought :p

Much love xxx

Holiday Club 2009

Holiday Club 2009 is officially over and I'm so sad :(
I love Holiday Club...I enjoy every moment and this year went way way too quickly!
I'm not sure how I can sum it up...it was full of banter and dancing and fun moments...
My favourite part was the banter actually...I got a chance to hang out more with some good friends and had some giggles over various things :)

Tonight was the BBQ which was alot of fun too...I didn't really sell as much as I thought I would on the bookstore but that's not too bad. PJ and Hannah ran a stall where you could throw sponges at people in the stocks...PJ went first and then loads of people wanted to go in them too and get soaked so we charged for that too, I think Hannah made a good amount of money which was the important part because they were doing it for her gap year fund.

I am genuinely really sad that it's over already. I think because I had lots of things on in the afternoons I didn't have the chance to really savour it as much as I would have in the past.
I just love getting to talk to the kids and see new faces and see them get to know God more and more...I love throwing myself into God's work and getting to enjoy seeing him work in the kids :) there's nothing like it!

Anyway that's my Holiday Club blog, not very long but I am about to blog again so that makes up for it!
Much love xxx

up early...

I thought I was done with this...being up early waiting nervously for results!
but they're in and the boy did good :)
3 A's and a B...one of those A's in the Maths A level that he did in a single year!

I'm very proud of him, obviously, but a little part of me just remembers how crap I did at A-levels :( although I said that to Dina just now and she pointed out that if I'd got better grades then I wouldn't have ended up at Brookes and we wouldn't be friends and I wouldn't be as happy as I am now and actually I'm doing really well at uni :D

So I'm proud of PJ, he worked very hard and I'm pleased that it showed...we're now just waiting for Hannah's results which are slightly more important because these dictate whether she gets into Southampton...I'm praying that the results mean she ends up in the right place for her :)


In other news, last week the family went to see Wicked in London which was fab :) it was our treat for Hannah since she's leaving in less that a month :(
Saturday was a huge family BBQ to celebrate Mum & Dad's 25th wedding anniversary and Nan & Grandad's 50th wedding anniversary, which was fun :) stressful to plan but enjoyable once it happened.
I also spent alot of time planning Holiday Club stuff and making decorations for it which is exciting!

Right I think that's all...I hope that's a good enough blog for you guys!
Much love xxx

apologies..

...for my lack of blogging!
I have no reason for it, except I got caught up in everyday life...
and now it's late and I need sleep :(
I will try and blog properly tomorrow!
Much love xxx

New Wine 2009: Mud, Beverages, Release and a very special Baptism...

So I'm back from New Wine...actually I got back yesterday but the tiredness has taken it's toll...mostly in the form of a lovely sore throat and blocked nose (don't panic my temperature is normal, I don't have the swine!) and therefore I've been mostly inclined to crash on the sofa and watch tv I recorded whilst away :)

I'm not sure how to describe New Wine...it was an interesting one, very different for me since I wasn't with the youth (not that it stopped me seeing lots of them, it's hard to stay away from such funny people), instead I spent the week with my Hannah, PJ, his Hannah, Mike, Jonnie, Stevie, Joe and Duncan (the last 3 of which were technically camping with the youth but what can I say? our group was just that enticing!)

It was a good week :) spiritually-wise I spent the week praying about a specific thing and asking God to show me the answer. On the last night the speaker encouraged everyone to open their hearts and encounter the Holy Spirit, to which I said to God 'This isn't what I want God, I want you to show me the answer to my problem, not have a spiritual moment!' (oh what I fool I was...) and God replied 'But Sarah, how am I supposed to help when you won't even let me in?' so I stopped asking, I just let my heart open and then the tears came! Lots of them too! Suddenly I was feeling all the emotions I'd suppressed; the grief over Grandpa, my worry over things, my utter heart-break over the situation I'd been praying about...and I sobbed, I sobbed my heart out and just let myself feel it all.
PJ's Hannah asked if they were sad tears or happy tears and I didn't know how to explain that they were both...sad emotions but a good thing that I was feeling them.
So I never got my answer to the problem but God has a plan, I just need to stop trying to solve it and feel the emotions instead.

Our group was alot of fun, we hung out at night just talking and laughing and drinking (hehe beverages...yum!) and generally enjoying each other's company :) nothing in particular to say about this, I just really enjoyed it...particularly since the boys outnumbered the girls and we got a vivid education in what boys talk about!

As for the very special Baptism...basically the daughter of some family friends of ours got baptised whilst at New Wine, she's 12 and profoundly disabled...and one of the most special people in my life. It was beautiful to see her baptised and it was a perfect setting (just on our campsite with church people around us) and God was really working there :) I cried because it was just so fitting and their family is so special to me.

Oh and the weather was horrible and rainy and muddy but then turned into glorious sunshine, but what's New Wine without a little mud eh?

That's all for now I think, will blog again tomorrow about what's happening in the next few weeks :)
Much love xxx

NEW WINE!!!

It's Sunday morning and in less than an hour I'm off to New Wine :D
Last night I stayed at the Ross' house which was alot of fun :) I stayed there coz Mum, Dad & PJ were all at New Wine already and I didn't want to be in the house alone!

This is a short blog coz I have a ton of things to do! I keep getting texts from Mum of things they've forgotten and I need to take!
But next time I blog will be when I get back :D
Much love xxx

Limbo

I don't have much to say in my blog at the moment I'm afraid!
I've been in a bit of a limbo since Grandpa died, doing a few bits & pieces but not really doing anything major because the funeral is this week and it's like I'm waiting for it and so am not really doing anything proper.
I'm excited about New Wine which is getting closer :)
And I have a hair appointment on thursday which sounds like nothing but I really look forward to being pampered and getting a haircut...it's fun and I do look forward to it!

Anyway this is a super short blog but I don't have much to say, sorry!
Much love xxx

peaceful

I'm not sure if I can find the energy to write this blog in detail.
Wednesday night at 11.24pm my Grandpa died.
We were all there, we were at the hospice with him from lunchtime that day.
It was a long day but strangely nice. The family took it in turns to sit with him, after he saw Grandpa for a bit he went to sleep and never regained consciousness.
We hung out in the Chapel at the hospice just chatting about family memories. None of us wanting to leave.
Eventually Mum & I crashed in the guest room (the staff were wonderful and had set up the room for us so we could stay) and just as we closed our eyes we heard Ruth running down the hall to get us all, Grandpa had stopped breathing.
We all got to the room (me, PJ, Mum & Dad, my aunt & uncle, cousins Ruth & Phil, and my other uncle) so 9 of us all round his bed...he took 2 more breaths with moments in between...and then he just stopped.
It was quick but very peaceful.
God had timed it out perfectly, the right people were there, he was surrounded by his family and it happened in a way that made it easy for us to let him go.
We then stuck around for another couple of hours, partly to wait for another one of my cousins to arrive, partly just to sit in the chapel and reflect. By the time we crashed at Aunt Val's house it was 3am!
After a few hours sleep we headed up to Grandma's to see her and also to start planning the funeral.

It was weird...this was never how I imagined it happening, because I never thought we would be there with him but I'm glad we were.
Tomorrow we get back to life for a bit, we're going shopping in Reading which was the original plan for Wednesday before it changed, to shop for the same things except now I need a black dress...
The funeral will probably be some time next week and then it's New Wine...the summer has gone so quickly...
anyway that's my blog for today, thanks for all the prayers and support, it's appreciated :)
Much love xxx

I'm not sure I can do this again...

So after the last awful dip, my Grandpa perked up again and they were looking at getting him out of hospital and into a nursing home...yesterday he got an infection and today they moved him to the hospice...which means days, if not hours...
And yet I'm not upset...it's like I won't allow myself to invest in this, I did it last time, I got so low and so upset and then he was alright again and the swoop back up was horrible...so this time it's like my heart won't allow me to put that emotion into it again.

I'm surprised I haven't cried yet, especially since I'm so tired from jetlag...instead I've closed down. Earlier this evening there was a moment where I was laughing over something stupid and the next moment I was snappy and annoyed for no reason at all...I'm not feeling the grief so my emotions are just going up and down.

The obvious solution to this would be to let myself feel the grief but it's like I can't...I start to think about it and let myself cry and something inside me shuts the door. Which just leaves me feeling frustrated and low. And I'm not sure what to do about it.
This has happened alot with this rollercoaster, I find myself feeling an emotion and wanting to feel different but not physically being able to pull myself out of it...it's like I'm watching myself and saying 'pull yourself out of it!' but I just can't do it.


I had an amazing week in America, it was an escape...Grandpa was ok so I wasn't jumping at the phone and I was busy...but now I'm home and it's all happening again.
Not sure what to do but thought writing about it might help.
Anyway I should go to bed soon, I'm doing foodbank tomorrow (with PJ's Hannah!) and other things...but who knows how that could change...
Much love xxx

Update: I debated about whether to post this, coz I don't want Mum & Dad to worry about me...I'm ok really...but I couldn't write it and then just leave it so I am posting it...but don't worry about me :) I'll be alright.

I'm home :)

Hey kids
I'm home :)
hehe I actually got home yesterday but was too tired to blog!
We left on Friday evening and flew overnight to get into Heathrow at 9.30am, it was an alright flight, I slept for alot of it so that's good.
I had a brilliant week in America, loved every minute of it :) but Friday evening sat in the airport crying over the smallest stupidest thing (seriously, all that happened was that we got through security to find there wasn't anywhere to have dinner...so ended up going back out to get food...it was so stupid) I realised that I was very tired and just ready to go home.

But I'm home now :)
Yesterday I tried to do bits and pieces but mostly I just crashed in front of the TV and hung out with the family.
Today I sorted out a load of house stuff (talked to Claire about how to do bills- we've all agreed now so that's good, went through how bills work with Dad, bought a quilt for my house in Marston and for home too, things like that!), went through some holiday club stuff too, planned out things I need to do in the next couple of weeks, prepared a bit for meeting tomorrow...just chilled out.

The meeting tomorrow is with my practice assessor which is just an informal chat coz we've never met before.
I'm not going to write about my placement really because that wouldn't be very professional of me...I've been thinking about how my blog represents me and I'm not sure about what the answer is...we're supposed to follow the GSCC codes of conduct, which I believe I do, I just need to think about whether my blog is alright...I had to review my facebook page too...so for now, all I'll say is that I won't really talk about my placement :)

That's all for today's blog!
Much love xxx

Fifth Blog of USA? (I'm not sure what number I'm on!!)

Yesterday was a fantastic day :D
Harry Potter was really really good but it meant we only got 4 hours of sleep which was crazy because we spent yesterday at Six Flags which was soooo good!
We went on rides, took silly pics, bought capes (PJ got Superman, Kendall & Elliot got Batman, and I got Supergirl!), sang silly songs on the way back and ended the day with a Nerf gun fight!

It all meant that I slept really well :D

Today Angie and I are going for breakfast, then manicures & pedicures, then alot of shopping!
Tonight we're all going to a baseball game...and we've got tickets for an executive box so food provided and good seats :) and the game is followed by fireworks which'll be cool.

Tomorrow is mostly a chill-out day, maybe a bit more shopping, packing up our stuff (including stupid prizes from the arcade, souveniers, capes, and any shopping from today!) and then off to the airport to go home!
I've had a great time this week but I will be happy to go home and see Mum & Dad and get back to life...coz I like my life, I like it alot, and as much as the escape is fun...I'm not sad about rejoining the real world :)

Will probably blog again tomorrow before we leave.
Much love xxx

4th blog of USA

I was thinking I'd blog about once a day but I need to blog so I am :)
Today we went to New York, it was great! Started off not so good, coz I was tired and not enjoying it as much coz of that, we went to Toys R Us which is huge and went on their Feris Wheel, still wasn't feel good...but after having lunch I picked up a bit...especially when we came across the Disney Store which was HUGE!!!! I love Disney so much, it's everything good and pure and I love it! Well this store was 3 levels and had stuff for adults and kids, they had jewellry and art and toys and clothes and kitchen stuff and it was fantastic! PJ had to stop me buying stuff...I bought a keyring, a cup (and a 2nd one as a gift for someone else) and some Tinkerbell earrings :D if I had that kind of Disney Store near me, I would spend all my money in it!
Following that we went to another toy shop, saw some more sights, some street performers, and ended up in Central Park where we went on a carriage ride around the park.

All in all, it was a good day :) really got to enjoy New York and picked up a few goodies.

Then I came back to an email about house stuff, I'd already had one and replied and this was a reply to that and we're trying to sort out bills and it's not happening quite how I wanted and it's stressing me out a bit...mostly because I'm having to think about it and try and sort it whilst I'm out here, which I was hoping I wouldn't have to do!
Especially since we're out of time and me sending an email now means that I have to wait until morning to get a reply :( it sucks!

Anyway that's all I have to say, I'm gonna chill and watch TV before going to bed, I'm very tired but fortunately tomorrow is a bit of a chill-out day before Harry Potter showing at midnight :)

So I will leave you will my favourite Tinkerbell quote:

"All you need is faith, trust, and a little pixie-dust"

Much love xxx

3rd USA blog

So it's Monday morning here, I'm still up reasonably early (7am) but managed to go to bed later (10.30pm) which is good. slowly starting to move my body clock over!
Yesterday we didn't go into Philly, we ended up having a chilled out dinner here and then going to get ice cream and playing board games...it was nice :)

Today we're going into New York!!! The plan for the day sounds fun so it should be good...going to be a long day methinks though so am trying to prepare myself for it! Think I'm going to fade fast tonight and need another early night!

Tomorrow we've got midnight tickets to see Harry Potter which I'm excited about, the trailers are showing all the time on TV and apparently tickets are really hard to get hold of. During the day we're just going to chill, I think I'll take a little catnap to try and make sure I can keep going to after midnight!

The week is going quickly and I'm starting to get more used to being here. Still missing home and when I start to fade in the evenings I still get a little homesick but not as much as I did the first night. I tend to be able to tell myself it's tiredness and look forward to talking to mum in the morning so that's good.
In fact I just got off the phone with her :) and she pointed out that we all get a little emotional when we're tired and unfortunately homesickness is my achilles heel which means its the first thing to get worse!

Anyway I'm going to have some breakfast and chill out before we go into New York
I'll blog again in the morning :)
Much love xxx

2nd blog from america

so it's Sunday morning (6.20am my time) and I'm up and about but still tired!
went to bed early and everything coz the jetlag was catching up with me so I have slept about 8 hours which is good but it still doesn't feel like enough!

ah well...I've had periods of time before when I've felt tired all the time and kept going (exams, gap year, new wine, holiday club) unfortunately being on summer holiday the last 2 months has spoilt me in terms of sleep (10-12 hours a night normally) so this doesn't feel like enough!

since I'm up I phoned home but got no reply, found a facebook message saying Mum was taking Hannah driving after church so will try again in a bit!
Flying yesterday was amazing! we flew to Ocean City which is gorgeous, it's where I want to retire to when I'm older! Right by the beach, beautiful big houses...
we stopped for brunch at the diner at the airport...this is the one thing that America does that England doesn't...big breakfast diners! We all had huge breakfasts...yummy yummy...then walked about 5 minutes to the coast and walked barefoot along the beach, sun was out...it was beautiful! Then we walked back (I walked back barefoot to the airport coz I had sand on my feet...this resulted in blisters! but I was amused that you can walk along the sidewalk without shoes on, you can't do that in England- too much risk of glass!) and flew up the coast which was gorgeous, you can see some places that have houses right by the beach and also back onto a lake so they have boats too! That's the way to live!

We flew up the coast to New York and then flew up the Hudsone River and back down again...now that is the way to see New York!!! done it before and its just as beautiful as I remember. You have to fly below 1100 feet (i think!) so you're below some of the skyscrapers!
Then we flew back :) now along this trip, PJ got a chance to fly the plane and he was good! He flew us up the coast and then after the New York bit (which Colin did!) he flew us practically all the way home! Colin was impressed and I was too...of course he now wants a plane!!!

Then we spent the evening hanging out at the Miller's house with Angie, Colin and a family friend of theirs Jess, who's about my age, who is lovely. PJ, Jess and I played cut-throat pool which was alot of fun. But I couldn't keep going much past 9.30 and crashed into bed!

Today we are going to church and then going for lunch at the tavern where Elliot works which'll be fun :) before heading into Philadelphia to see the sights and have a look around, maybe see some rowing and maybe have dinner there. Should be fun :)

That's all for now folks, am going to check facebook, watch some TV, have some breakfast, have a shower, phone home and then go to church! Since it's 6.30 and church isn't until 9am, I have plenty of time!

Much love xxx

In the US of A!!!

I'm in America :D :D
it's 7.30am and I've been up about an hour...I slept pretty well actually and this morning we're going flying! Colin is flying us up to the coast, we'll stop for brunch, see the sea, and then fly back down the coast and over New York!
Very exciting!
Tomorrow we're going to Philadelphia, Monday into New York, Tuesday night we've got tickets to the midnight showing of Harry Potter which means we'll be some of the first people to see it!
Wednesday we're going to Six Flags (very very excited about that!). Thursday we're shopping :D and then going to a baseball game in the evening. Friday there'll be more shopping and then we're flying back Friday night...getting back Saturday morning...it's going to go quickly.

Last night as I fell asleep I got a little homesick...I know it was just tiredness and I managed to stop myself and go to sleep. I'm just used to being with my parents and with the Grandpa stuff in the back of my mind, it's not a big deal and we're doing lots of fun stuff so I'm sure it'll be fine :)

Right, I'm off, we're leaving to fly soon :)
Much love xxx

Friends

I was looking back through some old blogs, reading about my trip to America last time and stumbled across this old blog about my friends (http://space-kitten.blogspot.com/2007/03/my-friends.html) and it made me realise how some things have changed dramatically since I wrote that over two years ago and how some things never change.
So I thought I'd update it and tell you about my friends...for those who read the original you'll notice some changes, for those who didn't read it then this'll be something new!

Hannah
Hannah has without a doubt jumped to the top of the pile...she is one of my best friends and because of timing of our respective gap years we've grown closer. She's still the one I joke about being lovers with and I can still not see her for weeks and it's the same, but we've got a much deeper friendship now. I hope that when she goes to uni in september that we stay close.

Dina

A new addition to the list, and someone who I would say is one of my best friends now :) Dina is on my uni course with me...we are opposites in so many ways (she was raised a Muslim and now rebels in every way possible- drink, sex etc) yet we have so much in common (close to our families, traditional upbringings, same sense of humour) and although I never would've thought she would be the friend I became closest to, I have no idea what I'd do without her now!

She's funny and smart and reliable and brilliant. I love her to bits and she's been an amazing friend to me.

Kate
I have no idea if a few months ago I would've been writing this about Kate, I'd seen her when she was home from uni but not heard much in term time...but these last few weeks with everything with my Grandpa, she's stepped up, been there for me in a way I can't describe. No longer slightly dramatic, we've both matured and I think we're better friends for it. I can still text her in the middle of the day because I'm bored and need someone to talk to.

Teresa & Claire
Another two additions to the list, they come together because they are my new housemates!
Although I'm not proper moving out (far too scary after the halls stuff!) I'm very happy that I'm sharing a house with them. Claire is quieter, musical and slightly silly. Teresa is chilled, loopy and brilliant. I met Teresa in freshers week and instantly knew we'd be friends (she lives in Wales!!!), Claire's friendship came later, but both of them are Christians and generally lovely people.

Anna
Anna is most definitely still on the list :) I hear from her throughout term time...right up until exams! then I don't hear a peep out of her! she's still lovely and a bit mental, and I'm glad she's still in my life.

Mike
Mike has definitely become more important to me, he is possibly my best guy friend (along with Gareth), I text him all the time and love spending time with him. He turns to me and I turn to him...it's hard to keep the communication up during term time but that's ok. Mike is special to me and I have no idea if we're ever meant to be more than friends, but if we're not, if this is all our friendship will ever be...I'd be very happy!

Gareth
Mr Parker is much the same, slightly more grown-up but our friendship hasn't changed and I hope it never will :)

PJ & his Hannah
My friendship with PJ has changed over the last two years, we still have our fights but I think we're much better friends and I'm so lucky that I get to be friends with my brother. I know he'll always be there to make me laugh and I can rely on him :) of course one of the bonuses of being close with PJ is his amazing girlfriend Hannah, who has become part of the family in the last couple of years. She's one of my good friends and I hope and pray that it never changes. She's lovely and kind and I can't imagine her not being part of our family.

Beth

I haven't really seen Beth recently and have no idea when she's back for the summer. I'm sure when I see her we'll fall back into our friendship but right now it's hard to describe it when I haven't seen her in ages.

There's people I haven't talked about. People like Pete & Dave who haven't changed since I last wrote about them. People like Nicola, Mireille, Adam, Lucy, Danni...who are all my friends but I don't have enough space to keep going!

People like my parents who I love so much and have become so close to.

But these are the people that I should talk about.

The people who shape who I am.

I hope you enjoy hearing about them!

Much love xxx

And we're back again...

He's ok, stable, awake, eating meals and everything!
Grandpa does like to scare us!
I'm feeling a whole lot better today...exhausted though.
I think yesterday I just got a real wave of grief again, and the thought of leaving Mum and Dad whilst it was happening was horrible.
But it's over now, Grandpa is fine (or back to where he was!) and I'm packed and ready to go!

I know that something might happen whilst we're away but we're actually away at that point, it was the idea of physically walking through the airport and leaving my parents that scared me I think.
But at this point I'm hoping that Grandpa can hold on at least another 24 hours until we've left and then I don't have to worry about it.

I'm not sure my emotions are logical and looking back now I cried loads last night (so much so that I woke up with a crying hangover...feels like a hangover but it's from crying not drinking) which seems so dramatic today but I was so sad and scared and emotional yesterday, even though I wanted to feel ok, I just couldn't. I couldn't pull myself out of it.

But it's all alright now...
I'm praying it stays that way :)
I am excited to go, especially now I'm packed but part of me won't let myself get excited until we're actually in the airport about to go, because I've seen the situation dramatically change already and I don't want to set myself up for a big swing of emotions if it changes again!

Right, I'm going to spend my evening watching TV, chilling with the family and then get an early night!
I probably won't blog again until I'm there :D so look forward to my next blog from America!!!
Much love xxx

The Five Stages

My Grandpa has gone back into hospital, very low heart rate, unconscious..my Dad's gone over to be with my aunt. It looks like his death could be very soon.
It's less than two days until we leave for America and I'm struggling.
I was about to go to bed but I had all these thoughts going round my head and the five stages of grief came to mind...I looked them up in one of my uni books and I think I've almost gotten through Denial and am now on Anger and Bargining.

Denial- when we first got the news this evening I couldn't believe it, it felt so real all of a sudden...I knew there was the possibility this could time out like this but I didn't think it actually would and I'm not sure I let myself believe it.

Anger- just now I shifted to 'this isn't fair, this trip was supposed to be amazing and now I'm going to be carrying this around...it's not supposed to be like that' which is selfish I know, but I was hoping my Grandpa would hold on just a little longer.

Bargining- part of anger is that I'm praying and asking God to just hold on...except that I shouldn't ask that. Grandpa is ready to go and I don't want him suffering. God has a plan, I know he does. It's just hard when it hurts so much.

The next two stages are Depression and Acceptance.
Which is weird because I've accepted that my Grandpa is going to die soon. It's accepting that this is the situation now and learning to live through it. I wish I could be there already.

I know America will be good, and I wouldn't think about cancelling, and I'll have Auntie A to look after me which is as good as family. It's just that I hate to be away from my family right now...it's going to be so hard to leave on Friday, no matter whether Grandpa is dead or still hanging in there...and I don't want to feel this, I don't want to feel sad, I want to enjoy America, but I'm going to carry this...sometimes I wish I didn't feel things as much as I did, I wish I was a man and could compartmentalise...but I'm not, I wear my emotions on the outside and I can't stop my tears.

I'm going to try and go to bed...
Please pray- for my family, for my Grandpa, and for me.
Much love xxx

one week!

I've just realised it's 00:30am and technically friday which means one week until I go to America :D :D :D
I'm very excited! it's going to be soooo good!

Although today I was comtemplating the scenario in which my grandpa could die right before we go...or whilst we're there...and although I wouldn't cancel the trip or anything (he wouldn't want me to) it's a little daunting to think about not being together as a family through this.

But I'm trying not to think about it too much...looking back at the first part of this blog- it's a perfect example of my life at the moment...I'm enjoying myself and am happy and every now and then I'll dip back into the sadness and grief, just for a moment, and then I'm back out again...it's hard to describe...

Today I saw Dina & Adam which was alot of fun! I forgot how much fun I have with them :) and tonight was PJ's Hannah's ball and PJ was going with her...I did her hair, which looked beautiful if I say so myself, and then Mum and I took them and I picked them up. Talking about leavers balls with Hannah was weird...it feels like yesterday that I was at mine, and yet like a lifetime ago...it's been 2 years in reality and that is a pretty long time actually...and I'm much happier now than I was then...don't get me wrong, I enjoyed 6th form but I'm finally on a course where I love every moment of it, I have amazing friends, my hard work is reflected in my grades and it feels right :)
So as much fun as it was to reminisce with Hannah...I wouldn't go back for the world :)

That's all I have to say tonight, tomorrow...wait...today we're going to Southampton for a uni open day for PJ which will hopefully go a bit smoother than the last one!
Much love xxx

Family

Dad is home :D we missed him ALOT!

PJ & I are hosting a Murder Mystery tomorrow.

The whole family spent the evening watching Wimbledon (come on Murray!!...although it always amuses me coz our youth worker- my old boss- is also called Andy Murray!)

The sun was shining and it was very hot today.

All in all...a family filled, very lovely day :D

Much love xxx

a good day

This day is a good day :)
Despite hardly sleeping last night, I managed to drag myself out of bed for Godzone- due to an injury to one of our leaders (and his wife having to be home to look after him) we were down two leaders which meant I ended up leading 2 groups! Fortunately their daughter came and was able to lead one of the groups. But I still had 2 groups, so Kat and I merged all our groups (3 groups in total, Indigo, Blue & Green for those in the know) and did small group time together.
It wasn't a super-special Godzone, it was just a normal and nice Godzone which was exactly what I needed.

Then we had a BBQ for lunch which was lovely, just Mum, PJ, his Hannah and me. Good food, bit of sunshine, followed by a game of mahjongg :)
And then I spent the rest of the afternoon mooching around. Later we're off to the evening service, PJ's in the band and Hannah is doing a talk (she's nervous but I'm confident she'll be good). It's on communion and should be a good service.

Tomorrow I'm picking Dad up from the airport- that's right he's finally coming home :D

All in all, the sun is shining, I've got some new summery clothes, and today has been a good day!
Much love xxx

apologies

I have debated about whether to write this blog...is it worth acknowledging the comment? But I maintain that my blog is about my life. I write in it for myself, to vent and release my emotions. I write about pretty much everything and anything that bothers me, worries me or stresses me out.

My post on michael jackson was a one-off, I rarely write blogs about the world, mostly I just write about my life. So today when I find a comment on that blog I was surprised...mostly only my family and friends comment on my blog. The comment said something along the lines of:
"I'm not hugely bothered he's died" that's not a very christian thing to say. and I'm sure his family, friends and fans are just as devastated as you will be when your grandad dies.

And this hurt me. I don't know the person who wrote it and thankfully I moderate all of my comments, but it still hurt. I didn't mean to offend anyone with my blog on MJ, I didn't even know anyone outside my family and friends would read it. It's not that I don't feel bad for MJ's family and loved ones, I feel sorry for his children like I would any child who lost a parent. But personally I wasn't a fan of his music, I didn't look up to him as an icon, so therefore I wasn't personally affected by his death.
My grandpa's death will greatly affect me, I wouldn't expect a stranger to care though.

I'm sorry if someone felt I was being heartless by saying I wasn't bothered by MJ's death. It's not right that someone of his age should die...but it's also not right that a toddler is beaten to death by a teenager and it only gets a one-liner in the news because the media is so consumed with MJ tributes. I think his family should get to grieve in peace instead.

Like I said, I wasn't sure whether to blog about this because to acknowledge the comment might not be worth it, but this blog is about my life, about what I feel, it's a place where I can come to let out my emotions in a way that helps me.
And I will continue to do that.
Much love xxx

no escape

I have just blogged about the whole MJ thing...but I thought I should also blog about my day...
We (Mum, PJ and I) travelled to Loughborough for a uni open day for PJ...I decided to go because I've done this before and I wanted to give advice and pass on my worldly knowledge...I don't know alot but I do know about applying to uni.
Started out ok, until we tried to walk somewhere and PJ took the map and said he knew where he was going and didn't listen to me...
Simply he was being a man and wanting to map read...
I managed to blow this up into 'he doesn't accept my advice because he doesn't think I know what I'm talking about but I do know what I'm talking about I don't know alot about science or geography but I know about uni and he doesn't care!!'
Mum then told me that I was blowing it out of proportion...well duh! but telling me that doesn't help me calm down! it just upsets me more! and even if I am blowing it out of proportion, I'm still feeling every emotion :(
Anyway I was grumpy and quiet for a while and then we all stopped and talked about it...and Mum made the point that everything with Grandma & Grandpa is always there...

And she's right...it was the stupidest thing to get upset over, but my emotions are all over the place because of the anticipatory grief and something as small as a spat with PJ means I get really upset. I'm just close to tears so often and anything can set it off...I hate it :( I love my grandparents so much but I really hope this is all over soon...for them as much as for us...

Anyway after I sorted myself out, we had a good day :) PJ did want my advice...not overally so, this is his experience and I don't want to take that away, but he does want my advice...so that's good :) I will watch myself and try not to take over but will be here to answer questions if he wants.
So it was a good day, nice uni, I wore flip-flops which rubbed my feet alot coz we were late for a talk and walking fast, so I changed into my other shoes (I came prepared) which just decided to rub the other parts of my feet :( worst blisters I've had in a while! Had a foot-spa when I got home which has helped.
Tomorrow I'm helping out at the foodbank run by church, and finishing the study (I still need to paint words on the wall...yep I haven't done it yet but as long as it's done before Dad gets back that's fine!) and then in the evening Mum, PJ, his Hannah and I are going to the cinema to see My Sister's Keeper...should be a good day :)

Right, I'm off to bed, BBC have confirmed MJ is dead, time to sleep now!
Much love xxx

MJ: dead, coma, publicity stunt?

I was about to go to bed, and then facebook exploded!

...ok, not literally but suddenly about 10 different friends had statuses (statii?) saying that Michael Jackson was dead...
I had read earlier that he'd been taken to hospital suffering a heart attack...
now there are some sources saying he's dead, some saying he's in a coma...some people on facebook saying it's all a publicity stunt...

frankly I've never been a huge fan of MJ but watching the news of his possible death spread is fascinating!
BBC news 24 have a helicopter outside the hospital, people all over facebook are talking about it, every news station and newspaper and gossip site is writing about it, people are gathering outside the hospital in LA...seriously?!?
people are comparing this to Princess Di! it just isn't the same thing!
alright so he's a famous star and figure, people had paid lots of money for tickets to his new show, there's not alot else to talk about today...
I'm not hugely bothered that he may have died, but I am now watching bbc news 24 to hear what's happening because it's fascinating to watch the world react to his death.

Anyway, that's all I'm writing about, my day was alright, a bit up and down- will blog a seperate blog about that but for now:

Michael Jackson has/hasn't died (delete as appropriate depending on when you read this)...

I'll second that!

My mum has blogged about what a difference sunshine makes (http://kalbrombley.blogspot.com/2009/06/what-difference-some-sunshine-makes.html) and I have to second that sentiment :)
I haven't really done anything today and I'm very happy with that! This week for me is all about relaxing and recooperating after a busy week last week. I have some things on this week but nothing major- just bits and pieces.
But sunshine makes a difference :) it means that everyone is happier and because it's the summer the sunshine lasts right into the evening which is very nice!

This is just a short blog but that's ok, it's nice to write a short and happy blog rather than a long blog full of grief...and it's especially nice today coz we're in the countdown to Dad being home (6 days!)...it's the first trip where I've really missed him and I'm sure that's because of all the stuff with Grandma and Grandpa but I think it's brought us all closer...I don't really know what I'm trying to say...never mind!
Enjoy the sunshine!
Much love xxx

To Wales and back again

Yesterday PJ and I drove to Wales to pick up Hannah (his Hannah) from Snowdon where she had just completed the 3 peak challenge (well done to her!!), now I love Wales, I do, but that was a loooooong drive! She is completely worth it, of course :) but it was 4 and a half hours each way!

Fortunately Hannah finished later than we thought she would so I had a good couple of hours break in between, small doze in the car and lots of food & caffiene to keep my energy up!
I even managed to let PJ have a sleep on the way back, Hannah was always going to sleep but PJ was there to keep me awake...however the delay meant we weren't home until 1am and with PJ having school today I wanted to let him have a bit of a sleep and it wasn't until the last hour that I really needed someone to talk to.

My back aches and I'm still tired today but I slept well and it was good to be in Wales again :D literally as soon as we crossed the border everything became so Welsh! the scenery and the people and everything! I love it!
I bought a small souvenier, of course :)
I had to get Mum to cancel my nurse's appointment this morning (it's time for my 6 monthly blood test) because I knew I couldn't handle getting up early for it! I'll have to rebook but it's not urgent.
Today I plan to watch tv, see a couple of friends maybe, play Sims 3 and mostly just mooch around and relax a bit.
Busy week last week and long trip yesterday means that I am very very happy that this week is quieter :)

In other news, the submission workshop I had on Friday has scared the hell outta me and I've joked about quitting social work and doing fine art instead...I don't mean it obviously but suddenly I've realised how much work there is for next year! I knew it was coming but it's still alot of information to get in one day!

Dad's coming home in a week :D in fact this time in a week I'll be picking him up from the airport! which I'm very happy about. Grandpa is still alive but definitely getting worse, having more bad days and needing more meds. At this point though it's looking like Dad will be home by the time he dies which is a good thing I think. Mum did point out that it could time out that he dies just before PJ and I go to America...I hadn't thought about that...I always thought it would happen way before that...I think we'd still go, Grandpa wouldn't want us to cancel a trip like that for him, but it'd be hard.

Anyway, that's a thought for another day...today I'm just going to relax :)
Much love xxx

ooooh...

I woke up this morning and realised I should do a short blog- the reason I've been writing in mine so much is with Dad in America and the time difference, our family has pretty much been keeping each other up to date through our blogs (handy thing, the internet...)

So Wednesday went well, Ruth looked gorgeous and I had fun with her, Val and Shelby-Lou who is getting cuter each time I see her!

Yesterday I had a training day at work which turned out better than I thought! With no kids there and more staff than normal around (coz we were being trained) it was like there was something in the air and all we did was make jokes and laugh! which wasn't good when we were trying to be trained so we had to calm ourselves a bit...but that went out the window when we got the chance to hoist each other! which is one of the scariest things I've ever done! but so much fun too :D
And then I met Teresa & Claire to go see our house!!! Claire's first time seeing it and she loved it (which is good coz we already signed contracts!) and our landlord went over some details with us and we're all very excited about 'our house' now!
After that we had dinner out with another friend and then came back to mine to watch a movie (tried to watch Hairspray but Claire didn't like it...I know, I was shocked too...so watched 50 first dates instead which was alot of fun).

Today I'm off to another workshop at uni, so I'm up already, Claire & Teresa are about to get up so that I can drop them in Oxford on my way in. It's been alot of fun seeing them and it's a shame we haven't had much time together...this is my fault coz I ended up much busier this week than I planned and with things I couldn't cancel :(
Never mind!

This weekend I'm using Saturday to sleep and re-cooperate and also finish the study (final touches need doing), oh and I need to food shop. And on Sunday PJ and I are off to Snowden to pick up Hannah after her 3 peaks challenge! Should be a fun road trip :D
Especially if you guys remember my last trip to Wales...(I just went to find the link to the blog I wrote about it and suddenly realised I never blogged about it!)
Right, off to have some breakfast...
Much love xxx