Development or Procrastination?

Today I'm sat in the library again (in my favourite spot- YES!), and I've been thinking about this blog. I love writing my blog but I'm not sure I'm always happy with the content.


When I first started the blog in February 2007 (almost 8 years ago) I was a moody, irrational teenager who mostly used my blog to vent about how soooo totally unfair my parents were, and how I hated school, and like completely like could not handle my life because it was so like horrible.
I genuinely cringe when I go back and read some of those posts!


Then I went to university and my blog became something deeper, a place to write about and deal with genuinely challenging problems- panic attacks, negative placements and dealing with people I love going through suffering. Even now, when I read back through my blogs at the beginning of university when I was having panic attacks in halls, I can still feel that emotion inside of me.


Post-university I wasn't always very good at writing in my blog- for about a year or so I barely posted anything. I think partly because I got better at processing my issues away from the internet, and because I had more quality friendships that allowed me to do that.


But whenever big events have happened (car crash, PJ & Hannah's wedding, GodZone changing) I have always come back here to write about it...because I enjoy writing.


I like creating something and discussing my thoughts on something, I enjoy finding the right words to express how I feel about something or my ideas on a subject.


However sometimes I'm not sure that my blog has a clear focus or direction- and I know that it's just a little blog and it's not like I have a million people reading it- but I want my blog to contribute something to someone sometimes.


So I'd like to come up with a plan of subjects to write about- my thoughts on them, what I've learnt from situations maybe...I'll still write posts about my life because I know that it's useful for some people who don't see me every day to have a way to keep up...but I also want to develop this into something more.


Of course, this could completely be seen as a procrastination tool since right now I should be doing some uni work instead of this (don't worry, I'll get onto it after this!). But instead I think it's a hobby, something that I get pleasure from, that can counteract the boring studying I have to do! Yet a hobby that I feel deserves a little more of my time and attention. I've talked recently about rebalancing my life, with university and travel feeling overwhelming, I needed to address my life and everything that I do and see what things I really want to keep and what things I can let go. Part of that process means stopping some things, part of it means investing in things that I enjoy and are important to me- and I think this blog is one of those things.


So what I need from you- please can you comment/message me with your thoughts on my blog...what do you like about it? What sort of things would you want to read if I wrote about it?
According to BlogSpot stats I can sometimes get between 30-50 page hits on my blog so I'd love as many people as possible to feedback please!


Much love xxx

Finding the positives...

I've had a few weeks of feeling like life isn't as good as I want it to be...I'm tired from commuting, university isn't super amazing fun, money is tight...all valid feelings and emotions.


However I've been prompted from a few different places (articles, blogs, Pinterest) that moaning about it doesn't actually help. In fact a friend recently offered to have coffee with me to chat it through and I declined because to talk about it more just felt like I was going to stir things up and that probably wasn't helpful.


Ultimately, as humans, we are selfish people and tend to focus on our own problems...and as British people we don't help this problem much since the social convention is to say 'how are you?' which just invites people to share their annoyances and to complain (British people love to complain!).
Don't get me wrong, I love that I have so many lovely friends who ask how I am and genuinely want to know if things are bad so that they can try to help- but sometimes I think this means that we focus too much on the negatives and not on the positives...and I am certainly the most guilty of this!


So I'm going to try and be more positive, to see the good things that are happening in my day and focus on those...because if I count up the positive, little things; then maybe the not-so-good bigger things won't seem so bad.
(I'm so aware that I'm going to fail at this many times because moaning and worrying are buried so deep into my nature! But I'm trying...)


For example it's only 9.15am and I have several good things to share today:
- I got to uni early and got my favourite spot in the library again...perfect view, temperature, good seat, not too close to lots of other people.
- I got a parking space! This is always a mini-victory when I get this because there's certainly no guarantee of getting one and before now I've missed out and been late to lectures because I'm scrambling for a place to park.
- This morning as I left home I got to see the sunrise...I never see the sunrise. It's too early for me! But today I was up because I had to be, and God blessed that obedience by painting the sky the most beautiful oranges, reds and yellows. It was truly beautiful.
- Tonight I have the evening off...no plans, I can stay in and wear my pyjamas, and just chill out.
- I currently have over 2 hours until my lecture which means I can get some work done and feel more confident going into the weekend.


There may be some annoyances in my life, some things that are less than ideal, but my life is definitely good. There's a beautiful song from the tv show Nashville called 'Life that's good' and the lyrics say:

Two arms around me, heaven to ground me,
and a family that always calls me home,

Four wheels to get there, enough love to share
and a sweet sweet sweet song

At the end of the day,
Lord I pray ,
I have a life that's good.

This is so true...I have God, and a family, and a home, and a car, and friends, and my health...my life is so good. Today I'm very thankful for that.

Much love xxx

Head vs Heart

I don't deal well with change.
I'm self-aware enough to know that and can willingly admit that. It means that any time of starting something new I often feel over-whelmed and out of control. And as previously mentioned in other blog posts- feeling out of control is not a fun feeling for me...it often results in me overthinking things, feeling anxious, and lots of tears :(

If ever I feel overwhelmed or out of control, I try and get out of it by thinking everything through and trying to find a way to fix it. Either by reminding myself of the good things in my life, or the good reasons I got into the situation I'm in, or I try and find practical ways I can fix the situation or a small part of the situation.
However if I can't find these answers quickly then I tend to spiral and the anxiety takes over. It's not always a fully-blown panic attack, sometimes its just a lot of tears and worry.

Today I had one of these moments...
It was the first week of my course this week and it was fine. Some good bits, some not so fun bits. Mostly I'm really tired. The commute has been exhausting and I've only done it 3 days. Plus it's costing me a lot more in petrol than I thought. And looking at my finances has only stressed me more as I'm not even sure that I can get through the year at this point- not working means that things are tight.
I tried to think of solutions: coming up with possible things I might do with my life so that I could find the reason for this step. Solving the money issue by giving up any semblance of a social life. Which is not something I want to do, if I'm honest. Trying to find any way to fix something so that I feel more in control. But it doesn't make me feel better, probably because I'm tired and struggling to see why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Plus I have an overwhelming weight that it's my responsibility to sort it out. I'm 25 now, I chose this step, I did the maths and thought money would be ok. I prayed and felt it was the right step. I put myself into this place, it's my irrational tired emotions that have put me here and it's up to me to get myself out of it. I'm not a teenager anymore, I don't expect my parents or friends to have magical answers or solutions to sort it out for me. But perhaps I make that weight too heavy on myself.

God has been so good in teaching me to trust Him, and today is just one of those days where it's tough to do because I can't see why I'm doing this course because I'm not sure of the next steps.
When I really stop and think about it, I do know that He opened this door and that it felt right to pursue it and to stop work and focus on this next stepping stone.
But when the other things feel so big- money, energy, time- it's really tough to hold onto that not-very-tangible truth. Particularly when that feeling of trust and handing over control is something that doesn't come naturally to me at the best of times.

I know the truths in my head- God is good. God put me on this path. Money is just money. Rest will come. Balance will come. It's only the first week.
I also know that the emotions in my heart often take over- anxiety, lack of trust, need for control, not knowing the purpose or end goal of this step.
It's that old head vs. heart battle.

I'm not sure the purpose of this blog post, other than to ask for prayers from any of you who pray- plus writing things down often helps me process my thoughts and get them out.
Sorry it's not a super entertaining or profound blog- just an every day, very selfish, struggling a little bit, kind of blog.
Love x

Feminism...a slightly different view?

I've been mulling this post over for a while, somewhat hesitant to write it out of fear of backlash or being misunderstood...I'm aware that people are very passionate about this subject but I hope you will see that it's just my view, and as Thumper would say "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" (poor grammar but you get my point!)

Earlier this week I asked one of my male friends to carry a heavy box of books to the car for me. I'm perfectly capable of carrying the box, I'm actually pretty strong, but there are a few reasons I asked him to carry it instead- firstly I have a history of back problems and carrying a heavy box isn't helpful, secondly I'd had a long day and was tired, and thirdly (and probably the biggest reason)...I frankly quite enjoy it when men do things for me!

As I asked my friend to do this, someone joked "oh it's ok, we're not feminists!" And I replied "actually I am a feminist...feminism is about choice and I choose to have a man carry the box for me!"

It was said to make people laugh, I'm not actually sure I'd naturally identify myself as a feminist but it got me thinking again about this subject.

I was taught at university that feminism is about women having equal opportunities and the chance to be treated with equal value to men. It's NOT about hating men, or refusing to let men do anything for you. It's about not being forced to conform to behaviour or roles JUST BECAUSE we are women.

This means that my friends who want to open doors for themselves and carry boxes for themselves have every right to do that. They are strong, independent women who are equal to men and choose how they behave. They are smart and have decided that this is how they want to be treated.

BUT- I am also a strong, independent woman...and I also have the right to choose how I want to be treated...and that means that it's ok for me to like it when a guy opens a door for me!

It's ok that I ask my male friend to carry a box for me. It's ok that I would want a guy to offer to walk me home if it's dark. It's ok that I would expect my brother to defend my honour if any man ever treated me badly. It's ok that I get pleasure out of a guy buying me a drink, or paying for my dinner on a date (which clearly are things that I go on, all the time...haha!)

I don't know why I enjoy these little things but I do. I don't know why a man doing them for me makes a difference to my reaction but it does. It makes me smile and feel warm & fuzzy inside :) and that's got to be an ok thing for me to want and enjoy, right?

Enjoying these things does not make me anti-feminist or anti-women's rights.

I was once told that by wanting these things I was "setting feminism back decades"...seriously?!? Women fought for me to have the choice about how I am treated, and I choose to be looked after by the men around me...also I highly doubt that I am significant enough that my choices would affect a movement that big!

Let me be clear- the way I personally view feminism is that it's my choice and by telling me that I need to behave a certain way and I can't want men to be chivalrous, you are actually being just as judgmental and oppressive as the systems were back in the olden days (yes, that's the time reference I'm using...history is not my strong point!). So please don't make me feel bad for wanting these things.

I have realised that one problem with this whole 'both ways are ok' thing is that it does somewhat complicate things for men.

This idea that some women like to open doors for themselves and some like to have it done for them only adds to the already heavy minefield that men face when interacting with women...unfortunately gentlemen, we are a complicated gender and you'll probably get it wrong on more than one occasion. But I promise that we are worth it!

So yeah...I think those are all my thoughts on it...I hope I made sense and didn't offend anyone.

As a side note, I wanted to say that I am incredibly blessed by the men around me who do look out for me and open doors for me, buy me drinks, walk me home, and defend my honour...they are great men who I know wouldn't respect me any more or less if I decided to do those things by myself instead (which often I do). I just know that they love and care for me...which also makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside :)

And I'll leave you with one of the highlights of my day courtesy of one of my new classmates, an American no less ;) I was walking with this male classmate today and offered to share my umbrella with him but he is much taller than I am, so he took it out my hand and held it above us. Then he offered me his arm so that we could walk together under the umbrella without getting wet. He didn't think twice about it, there was no underlying motive, it was just how he'd been taught to treat a lady. I didn't say anything because it just wasn't a big deal...but it did make me smile :)

Rainbows in the rain

I've always found that saying very cliche...'seeing the rainbow through the rain'...I love rainbows, I believe they are a sign of God's promises to us. But I always thought it was a bit cheesy to believe that in the midst of sorrow people should be able to see a rainbow. I love an inspirational quote but this was always a bit too much.

Yet in the last year I think I've learnt, more than ever, that God has a way of using the bad stuff to change us and mould us and ultimately bless us....of using the rain to make rainbows. 

Currently I am sitting on my comfy sofa, in the warm, getting excited for Christmas...but exactly a year ago I was in my car, trapped by my seatbelt, having taken my eyes off the road for a second. My whole world turned upside down...literally! 

It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me and I still get emotional thinking about it.

As I picked myself up and began to heal both mentally and physically I was amazed by God's comfort and strength. I was able to drive again quickly and the long term injuries haven't been too severe. I praised God for it but by February I had 'moved on' and was confident that I had gotten past that night.

However, as 2013 draws to a close, I've been reflecting on my life and how much it's changed in the last year. As I look back at those changes I can track them all back to that one night and that surprises me more than it should.

That car crash caused a unique friendship to become closer, shift to love, and then shift back again. Not a sad break-up story, but actually a testament of my first serious relationship. It's the story of a person who saw the walls around my heart and stuck around long enough to be there when I was at my most vulnerable and who made me feel safe. I never would've been so vulnerable without the crash, and he wouldn't have realised how important I was to him without it. Despite it not working out, in the space of a few months there were issues I resolved that I'd been working over a decade to shift...all because of that one night...and for that I will forever be thankful.

That night also prompted me to think about the purpose of my life...why had God made me the way he did, with the skills that I have. This culminated in me handing my notice in at my job over the summer with no plan in mind, just trusting that God had the next step planned...which He did. As of January I am hopefully going to begin a long journey of studying towards becoming an Educational Psychologist. Starting with some part time psychology modules, alongside some part time work...some hours at my old job ...and a nannying job with a lovely family that was offered to me out of the blue the week that I decided to go back to studying. Coincidence? (Psst...no, it was God!)

The crash pushed me to evaluate myself and to examine my life goals, and to go for something that I didn't think I was smart enough to even attempt. Because God made me, and He protects me, and he values my life.

He didn't stop the crash from happening, although I believe that He could have, but instead He used it to move me on from the stagnant life I was living. A life where I moaned about being single and alone, and yet refused to open my heart to anyone. A life where I was going through the motions in a comfortable safe job because it was enjoyable and easy. A life where I was using God as a crisis hotline rather than as a wise friend.

God is so good.

Let me say that again...He is GOOD! He loves us unconditionally and wants to make our lives the best they can be. He has a plan and a purpose and if we seek Him then He will guide us on that path.

God doesn't want us to suffer, but He does want us to live in a world of free will...the consequence of that free will is sin and suffering. God isn't making that happen...we are. He is mercifully sticking with us and finding as many opportunities as He can to use the bad stuff in the best way possible.

A year ago I would've said that I'd do anything to undo that crash and to not have the memories in my head. But considering all the amazing stuff that's happened because of that night...I'll take the memories thanks...because, let's face it, you can't get a rainbow without some rain...

GodZone

GodZone (ɡɒdzəʊn)

noun the regular Sunday morning meeting of children aged 5-11 at Christ Church Abingdon, Northcourt Road. Often includes dramas, quizzes, prayer, worship and fun.

E.g. 'I went to GodZone today and it was brilliant' 

This morning was the last official GodZone for Val, Clive, Jonny, Helen and a few others. I took responsibility for planning and running the morning because I wanted to give them an amazing send off but there was so much I couldn't include that I felt I needed to write this too.

GodZone started just over 11 years ago. The children's work at Christ Church used to be split into two age groups and the children would start in the main service before heading to their groups. A group of people started to imagine what it would be like if they created a kids church...where the kids all gathered together, where there was a live band and fun games, and relevant bible teaching for the children. So that's what they did.

It has been so successful too- we regularly get between 50-70 children each morning plus 20-30 teenagers and leaders. There have been several different quiz formats, a million dramas written, lots of songs, prayer activities, puppet sketches, over £2000 raised for charity...and approximately 400 people who have ever attended or helped with GodZone.

Kids love the fun element but also get excited about meeting with God and learning more about being friends with Him. The team have learnt more and created more things throughout the years, and it keeps getting better and better. I'm sure the next chapter will bring lots of new inspiration and excitement.

This morning as I prayed for our team I said that lots of things have changed but God has stayed the same. I am so grateful for the blessings that God has poured out through GodZone.

So many children and adults have benefitted from the amazingness of GodZone...You might think that this blogpost is about silliness and fun and celebrating GodZone...and it is...but it's also about a group of people that has shaped my life, and I wanted to share that with you too.

My parents have done children's work for as long as I can remember. They used to help on summer venture camps and Sunday school. I attended them all and then as I got to 11 years old and was no longer considered a 'child' I made the natural move to helping with kids work. I helped with Climbers (5-7's) at church and as a Go2 on the venture camps (don't ask!).

As a child I had heard about God from the adults around me and I loved developing a personal connection with Him because of it. I was excited to go to church, I loved singing and dancing and worshipping, I found prayer meaningful and that being with God was amazing fun. The adults, my parents and their friends, had strived to inspire me and teach me, but also to give me a safe place to explore and question. They never judged me or looked down on me, they loved me unconditionally.

As I became a 'leader' I found great pleasure out of watching children ask questions like I did, and have the same awe-inspiring moments that I had, and I wanted to help contribute to creating that safe space for them. I wanted to learn from those adults around me and to love those children, just as I'd been loved.

As a teenager I helped with kids work, at 16 I started to lead groups for myself. In my gap year I did kids work in our sister church site and in the summers I began to lead holiday club groups.

Following university I joined the UpFront team and began formally leading GodZones. One of the responsibilities that I haven taken on myself is to invest in the teenagers because I know the value of that investment myself.

I have now been doing kids work for over 13 years which is over half my life and I hope I have a lot longer to go!

Val, Clive, Jonny, Helen, James, Lynn, Mum and Dad have shaped my character and my faith. They led me as a child, they taught me as a teenager, and they support me as an adult. My parents joke that we corporate parent in our group, but it's so true. These people have been extra parents to me and are now some of my closest friends.

The person that I am, the characteristics I have...I learnt from them.

Mum and Dad taught me more than I can put in this blog (perhaps another time!)

Jonny taught me to think outside the box.

Helen taught me the power of words.

James taught me that nothing is too crazy (and the importance of time-keeping!)

Lynn taught me compassion and empathy.

Clive taught me that I am smarter than I think.

and Val...she taught me everything I know about children's work.

You see, today wasn't just a celebration of GodZone for me...it was a celebration of everything that these people mean to me. The love that they put into teaching children over the years has been immense to watch, but I will forever be indebted to them for the love they have shown me. Our families have laughed and cried together over so many things, we have gained and lost people over the years, but the love has never changed, because the foundation in God has never changed. It's special and rare and I hope some day that my children will experience that kind of family love.

I hope today went a small way to showing them how special they are.

Thank you all xxx

Life decisions

I've always thought that life would be much easier if God gave me a detailed plan of what he wants me to do...with specific details about when and how it would all happen.

But I tend to forget that actually this would take all the fun out of life! If that happened then I'd lose the excitement of discovering something new, the feeling of accomplishment when I achieved something.

Also God doesn't want me to be a mindless, controlled drone...he wants me to seek him and his plan, but to have the freedom to choose and explore.

Which means that I have the amazing ability to think about what I want out of life, to research different possibilities and ultimately try out as many of them as I want. It's important that I keep my eyes on him and keep my heart with him, but that just means that I'm not alone as I try new things.

Secondly God made me exactly how he wanted me to be. He didn't make a mistake or wish that I was different. He made me with the gifts that I have because he knew that I could add something to the world.

He made me to be decisive, he doesn't see that as bossy.

He made me to be organised, he doesn't think I'm obsessive.

He made me to be loving, he doesn't see that as over-emotional.

And if I'm not feeling fulfilled in a job, it doesn't mean that the job or the workplace isn't a good place to be, it's that my skills and gifts don't fit the job I'm in...a round peg in a square hole...actually that's not quite right, it's more like a round peg in a pentagon hole- it fits a bit, but not perfectly. But I deserve to find my perfect fit...I was made by the ultimate creator to be exactly who I am, and he wants me to be the best I can be and help as many people as possible.

All of this is basically me saying that my work life is changing...I've realised that as much as I love where I work, it's come to a time of change...time for me to explore :)

No decisions yet, I will let you know when I've worked it out! But for now, I'm just pleased that I've recognised these truths of God...that he has a plan but wants me to have freedom, and that as far as he's concerned I am perfectly made.