Doing something about it

So following my last blog where I realised that I wasn't actually very happy, I had a long chat with Mum and worked out that the problem really stemmed from placement and that fact that I wasn't happy there.

So I did something about it.

The original plan had been to try and see my placement lead as soon as possible and work out my options but Tuesday morning I got so upset thinking about going in and I was making myself unwell. I won't talk alot about why I wasn't enjoying placement for confidentiality reasons but it was a few different things- including my own lack of experience in statutory social services. I didn't go into placement on Tuesday, instead I went and saw my tutor who said I did need to see my placement lead but confirmed that perhaps I shouldnt be in this placement anymore.

Therefore I was signed off placement for the week until I could see my placement lead- after a few days waiting and wondering over the 'what ifs', I saw her on Friday. Following a difficult conversation it was agreed that I should have a new placement.

Realistically what this means is that she needs to find me a new placement, which she said wouldn't be in statutory social services again because she's not confident in my ability to cope there which I guess is understandable. I will have to start at 0 days again and she has no idea how quickly she can find a placement for me.
I've worked out that if I start my new placement by beginning of December then I can get all my days in by the deadline in May...if not, then I might have to delay my graduation until September.
This obviously wouldn't be ideal as I'd like to graduate with my friends but I think it's probably more important to be happy.

Right now I'm in some sort of limbo where it hasn't quite sunk in that I've been allowed to leave placement and I'm just waiting. I'm planning to use the time off (since now I have nothing but lectures 1 day a week) to work hard on my academic work and catch up with it all, plus get a good start on my dissertation hopefully.

I've been encouraged through this week by the number of my friends who have rallied round to support me- prayers, hugs, long conversations full of reassurance, meals, or simply providing a distraction to make me laugh. In particular on Tuesday night when I was really emotional about it all, I went to a CU exec meeting and ended up crying during prayers at the end and the support I got from the rest of the team was overwhelming. Another time was on wednesday both before and after CU with different friends making me laugh. And Friday after the decision had been made but I was feeling a little battered from the conversation with my placement lead and Dina came round for coffee with flowers and chocolates.
Despite saying that I hadn't seen enough of my friends, this week I've seen them alot and it turns out that they don't really care if placement sometimes takes me away, they will always be there when I need them and they believe in me.

I think that's a good update for now, I'm in limbo but definitely happier :)
Much love xxx

CU Weekend Away and back to earth with a crash...

This past weekend was the CU weekend away...I was co-organiser this year which meant alot of preparation work. Which is one of the reasons I haven't blogged in a month...very busy with placement, uni and CU stuff!

But after all the stress and planning and hard work, we got there...56 members of the CU altogether to learn more about God, get to know each other better and get some time away.

And I had the best time ever :D I got a chance to just stop and hang out with my friends, to worship God and build better relationships with people. I laughed ALOT, I cried a little but mostly I got to escape. I got to live in a world where I didn't have to think about placement or assignments or worry about admin jobs for the CU...I sat and talked with my friends, I had an impromtu pillow fight, I played stupid icebreaker games, I ate yummy food, I held a fake family group conference for a fake CU family with fake family issues all as part of an inside joke....I was happy :)

But now I'm home and I'm tired and I'm realising that I'm back to reality.
A reality where I'm not loving my placement, it's gotten better but I still don't really want to go in to work...
A reality where I have two presentations, 3 essays and a disseration to do...all of which I keep putting off because I can't be bothered to do the work...
A reality where I still have a million jobs to do for CU and exec meetings to attend...
A reality where all I do is stumble through the week, not having enough time to see my friends, wishing that my days at placement would go faster, knowing that deadlines are creeping up, desperately wanting it to be the weekend again...and then I get to the weekend and all I do is crash out, do not enough work and then suddenly it's monday again...

I'm not quite sure how to remedy this. How to rebalance my life in order to cope. How to make more time to see my friends and do things that will make my last year at uni more enjoyable. I guess I'm feeling a little lonely too. I miss having PJ around, I don't have the time or energy to see my friends enough socially (I only see them at CU), and I really need to get some work done!

The CU weekend away showed me that there's more to life than just mundanely stumbling through your week in the hope that May of next year will come quicker. That making time to just sit and drink hot chocolate with my friends actually makes me really happy. Now I just have to work out how to translate that back into reality.

Much love xxx