Head vs Heart

I don't deal well with change.
I'm self-aware enough to know that and can willingly admit that. It means that any time of starting something new I often feel over-whelmed and out of control. And as previously mentioned in other blog posts- feeling out of control is not a fun feeling for me...it often results in me overthinking things, feeling anxious, and lots of tears :(

If ever I feel overwhelmed or out of control, I try and get out of it by thinking everything through and trying to find a way to fix it. Either by reminding myself of the good things in my life, or the good reasons I got into the situation I'm in, or I try and find practical ways I can fix the situation or a small part of the situation.
However if I can't find these answers quickly then I tend to spiral and the anxiety takes over. It's not always a fully-blown panic attack, sometimes its just a lot of tears and worry.

Today I had one of these moments...
It was the first week of my course this week and it was fine. Some good bits, some not so fun bits. Mostly I'm really tired. The commute has been exhausting and I've only done it 3 days. Plus it's costing me a lot more in petrol than I thought. And looking at my finances has only stressed me more as I'm not even sure that I can get through the year at this point- not working means that things are tight.
I tried to think of solutions: coming up with possible things I might do with my life so that I could find the reason for this step. Solving the money issue by giving up any semblance of a social life. Which is not something I want to do, if I'm honest. Trying to find any way to fix something so that I feel more in control. But it doesn't make me feel better, probably because I'm tired and struggling to see why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Plus I have an overwhelming weight that it's my responsibility to sort it out. I'm 25 now, I chose this step, I did the maths and thought money would be ok. I prayed and felt it was the right step. I put myself into this place, it's my irrational tired emotions that have put me here and it's up to me to get myself out of it. I'm not a teenager anymore, I don't expect my parents or friends to have magical answers or solutions to sort it out for me. But perhaps I make that weight too heavy on myself.

God has been so good in teaching me to trust Him, and today is just one of those days where it's tough to do because I can't see why I'm doing this course because I'm not sure of the next steps.
When I really stop and think about it, I do know that He opened this door and that it felt right to pursue it and to stop work and focus on this next stepping stone.
But when the other things feel so big- money, energy, time- it's really tough to hold onto that not-very-tangible truth. Particularly when that feeling of trust and handing over control is something that doesn't come naturally to me at the best of times.

I know the truths in my head- God is good. God put me on this path. Money is just money. Rest will come. Balance will come. It's only the first week.
I also know that the emotions in my heart often take over- anxiety, lack of trust, need for control, not knowing the purpose or end goal of this step.
It's that old head vs. heart battle.

I'm not sure the purpose of this blog post, other than to ask for prayers from any of you who pray- plus writing things down often helps me process my thoughts and get them out.
Sorry it's not a super entertaining or profound blog- just an every day, very selfish, struggling a little bit, kind of blog.
Love x