of course...

3 blogs in less than a week...can you tell everything's going wrong?

i found out last night that UWE said no. my first choice uni, where i was sure i would be going..i have enough ucas points, i have experience...i thought i would at least get an interview but nope..they said no.

i'm pretty devastated. i cried for a while and then just went sort of numb.
i'm struggling to understand the reasons for this, why has god closed this door? i'm also struggling with god about it...i'm not losing my faith or anything, i just wish god would be more clear and am frustrated at him about it all.
please don't say 'god has a plan' because i know he does, i changed my gap year plans for his plan. i dont need to hear what i already know.

i guess i have to start deciding about my next step...it seems so surreal, i dont know what to do.
brookes already gave me an offer. i still have interviews at southampton solent and northampton..i dont want to go to northampton so might cancel that interview. am still deciding about solent.
at the moment i think i like brookes best which is weird because that would mean staying near home...part of me thinks that'd be nice coz i am a home person, part of me just doesnt know.
but when i went to the interview there i really liked it and so maybe thats where i'm meant to be.
who knows? i need some time to decide.

i think with PJ being in hospital, coming home from soulnet, and now this, it feels like we're being attacked...it feels like i'm being attacked...

anyway work goes on, just done fitz CU and got cells later tonight, plus a load of other work to do.....i wish i could have some time out. i know i had the weekend off but i would just like everything to stop while i try and come to terms with everything and have time to rest properly.
but this is the real world and that doesnt happen so i have to keep going...try and find some positives- like on wednesday i'm going to dye my hair! it shouldnt change too much but it was getting too expensive to have done for me so i went and bought one (on my hairdressers advice so my colour now doesnt get ruined) and mum is going to do it for me.
and on saturday we've got the pizza party social for godzkidz.
and next monday and tuesday, mum and val and diana and i are going to a new wine kids leaders conference...should be great teaching.
and before long it'll be half term and i'll get some rest hopefully.
plus i have spring harvest to look forward to at easter!

i just wish it hadnt turned out like this and i hate that there's nothing i can do to change it.
much love xxx