I ended up seeing Anna and Hannah yesterday, they came to see the flat, it was great...we went to see a movie, it was great...we got to dinner, I broke down crying.
I'm really struggling at uni at the moment. I'm fine during the day when I'm at my course and I have friends on my course, but when I'm at my flat I feel very alone...and that feels horrible.
Anna ended up staying last night which was good...meant I didn't cry myself to sleep...but this morning she's had to go home and I'm alone in my room again and I hate it.
It's not so much the being away from home, it's being in a place where I don't feel comfortable around all my flat-mates, although they're lovely people. I do stuff during the day and for the most part I'm fine, it's when I get back to the flat and am on my own in a strange place. If I was living with friends I think it would be different, but I'm not. My flatmates go out most nights into town and I don't want to do that. So I'm home alone...there's no inbetween option. And even if there was, I'm not sure how much it would help the fact that I'm living with people who are quite different to me.
Anyway when we went to pick Anna's stuff up, I didn't go home, Mum came to me and we talked about it all and realised there's alot of options of what to do to make it better. And that's the worst part when I feel alone, I feel like I have to continue to feel like this and hope it gets better. But I don't.
To start with I can come home on weekends if that helps, I can see Mum during the week, Anna has said she could stay over another night later this week before she goes back to uni in october. The other end of this scale is that I move home and commute in. We're not going to make any decisions like that just yet, but I felt like that wasn't an ok option, like I'd be letting down my parents if I did that. Mum reassures me that I wouldn't let them down and she would never force me to stay here feeling miserable. So it's good to know I have that option and I was thinking about it, I'd still go to St. Aldates I think and the CU and stuff, I don't think I would come back to Christchurch or anything. And then hopefully 2nd year when I've made some good friends in CU or on my course, I can move in with people who are similar to me and who I feel comfortable living with.
But that's a long way off yet, we're going to try coming home at a weekend and things like that first. Things like, I'm having lunch with Mum and PJ today...and tonight Hannah's joining me to go to St Aldates.
Be praying for me...not that I would stick it out and be fine...because I know alot of you are thinking that's what I should do...instead please pray that I make the right decision for me and the right decision by God. I think part of him placing me near home is because it gives me these options, if I was in Bristol it would be all or nothing because I'd have to stay there in order to continue my course, whereas here I have no chance of losing my place on the course and can continue doing that whatever my living arrangements are.
Much love xxx
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