Up until about 5 minutes ago, today was a much better day.
This morning Mum & I wandered into town, got a Costa's and did a bit of shopping. Then I had lunch with my Hannah which was really nice. The sun was out and I spent the afternoon being lazy and doing bits and pieces around the house. This evening we taught Hannah (PJ's Hannah) how to play Mahjong which was fun. Then we ended up playing a random game of scattergories which was amusing.
Then PJ discovered that I'd fraped him. This started a couple of days ago, whilst on my laptop he changed my facebook status to say that I smelled...and I was sat next to him. And since then he's used my laptop a couple of times and left me various notes saying 'frape'...not coz he'd fraped me but coz he could've and was just taunting me. (Let me explain- 'frape' is facebook rape...it involves gaining access to someone else's facebook profile and changing things. It can range from super mean i.e. writing obscene and sexual things to their parents and changing their statuses. all the way to the nice i.e. PJ fraped his Hannah last night and just changed her status to say how much she loved PJ).
I suddenly realised then I knew PJ's password so got into his account, changed his 'about me' info to say things like 'i love hanging out with my sister, she's the most amazing person, so smart and brilliant' and writing to his Hannah and Mum to say how amazing I am, except it looked like he had written it.
I thought this was genius and very funny. Especially since I did it at 1pm and he only just realised.
However PJ didn't think it was funny...he's mad. And managed to make me go from feeling happy to crappy in the space of 5 minutes.
I thought it was a funny joke, Hannah had laughed, Mum had laughed (although warning me that PJ might not find it funny) and I would've laughed if he'd done the same thing to me so I thought he would laugh. He didn't.
Guess I got that one wrong and now I feel like crap. I feel flat and horrible.
I think the process of fraping PJ had distracted me and cheered me up and I had built up what his reaction would be; that he would laugh and pretend to be mad and we would banter and it would feel like life was normal again.
Now I'm back to feeling low and horrible again. It's amazing how something so small can change your entire day.
Saturday, 13 June 2009
Friday, 12 June 2009
Today
I was asked earlier how today went...'Good' isn't really the right answer because how could this day have been good in any way, shape or form.
It went as well as could be expected.
For those who don't know, today Mum, PJ and I went over to see my grandparents and although it might not be the case, there's a good chance today was our 'last goodbye' to Grandpa. Although the hospital have retracted their original '2-3 weeks' they still encouraged the family to be visiting to see him for possibly the last time. Mum pulled PJ out of school (a planned absence and supported by his teachers) and we went over.
The whole ride there we talked as normal but I knew I wasn't the only one who was having a second conversation in my head that involved entirely around my grandparents.
I don't know if it's coz they were doing alright or because they were making an extra effort for us, but they were both quite chatty actually. Grandma drifted in and out of the conversation, the way she normally does after one of her 'turns'. Grandpa was upbeat but had needed to get their carer up 3 times in the night for pain meds (especially since he was only prescribed small amounts of morphine...Mum encouraged them to get it upped and that's now happened!).
It was small chit-chat, telling them what we were up to and what our plans for the summer were...normal stuff but for me it was very much about wanting possibly my last conversation with Grandpa to be one where I made him smile and where he knew that I was there because I love him.
I hope I managed that.
Grandma was a bit teary the whole time we were there...I think both she and Grandpa know exactly why we were there.
And now we're home.
And after today life goes on for a bit.
But for today I think we're all just very sad.
Together as a family, we are uniting to support each other through the sadness.
I cried in the car and again at home...the first week or so I didn't cry at all and it made me feel sick (I feel sick and horrible when I'm stressed and anxious and if I'm not letting it out then my body decides to feel it somehow). And again today I started to feel sick...so I let myself feel it, I let myself cry. I had to.
PJ was ok, typical Brombley male, putting it in another part of his brain for now.
Then this evening Mum cried. The first time I've seen her let it out and it set me off again. I didn't think I was being much help since I was just crying myself so I did the only thing I could...I texted Dad. Even thousands of miles away I knew he would call if I asked him to and I knew Mum needed to hear from him....actually I think I needed to hear from him too.
We have some amazing friends and family supporting us; James came round this evening on a mission from Dad to give Mum a hug...there's something different about a man hug. Hannah texted me to check up on me and sent hugs via PJ and has been invaluble in supporting us (I know she reads my blog and I want her to know how much I love her for it). Val, Ivor & Ruth had lunch with us and despite going through the same as us we're supporting each other. Teresa, Hannah, Kate and Dina have all held me up the last few weeks- Teresa was on the other end of the phone when I needed her, Kate too has been boosting me up and helping me stay strong. Hannah (my Hannah, not PJ's Hannah) has just been a friend, distracting me by doing normal friend stuff...talking if I want to talk about it but if not providing other conversation so I don't have to think. And Dina...I hadn't realised until we finished for the summer quite how much I need Dina...she has become one of my best friends and despite being miles away in Holland, amidst her own family sadness, she has been there for me..possibly because she knows how I'm feeling.
I thank God so much for these people, what I would do without them I do not know.
Like I said, tomorrow life will go on, normal things will start again (lunch with friends, church, results day, work training, uni workshops)...but for today, I'm just going to sit in the sadness and know that I am not alone.
Much love xxx
It went as well as could be expected.
For those who don't know, today Mum, PJ and I went over to see my grandparents and although it might not be the case, there's a good chance today was our 'last goodbye' to Grandpa. Although the hospital have retracted their original '2-3 weeks' they still encouraged the family to be visiting to see him for possibly the last time. Mum pulled PJ out of school (a planned absence and supported by his teachers) and we went over.
The whole ride there we talked as normal but I knew I wasn't the only one who was having a second conversation in my head that involved entirely around my grandparents.
I don't know if it's coz they were doing alright or because they were making an extra effort for us, but they were both quite chatty actually. Grandma drifted in and out of the conversation, the way she normally does after one of her 'turns'. Grandpa was upbeat but had needed to get their carer up 3 times in the night for pain meds (especially since he was only prescribed small amounts of morphine...Mum encouraged them to get it upped and that's now happened!).
It was small chit-chat, telling them what we were up to and what our plans for the summer were...normal stuff but for me it was very much about wanting possibly my last conversation with Grandpa to be one where I made him smile and where he knew that I was there because I love him.
I hope I managed that.
Grandma was a bit teary the whole time we were there...I think both she and Grandpa know exactly why we were there.
And now we're home.
And after today life goes on for a bit.
But for today I think we're all just very sad.
Together as a family, we are uniting to support each other through the sadness.
I cried in the car and again at home...the first week or so I didn't cry at all and it made me feel sick (I feel sick and horrible when I'm stressed and anxious and if I'm not letting it out then my body decides to feel it somehow). And again today I started to feel sick...so I let myself feel it, I let myself cry. I had to.
PJ was ok, typical Brombley male, putting it in another part of his brain for now.
Then this evening Mum cried. The first time I've seen her let it out and it set me off again. I didn't think I was being much help since I was just crying myself so I did the only thing I could...I texted Dad. Even thousands of miles away I knew he would call if I asked him to and I knew Mum needed to hear from him....actually I think I needed to hear from him too.
We have some amazing friends and family supporting us; James came round this evening on a mission from Dad to give Mum a hug...there's something different about a man hug. Hannah texted me to check up on me and sent hugs via PJ and has been invaluble in supporting us (I know she reads my blog and I want her to know how much I love her for it). Val, Ivor & Ruth had lunch with us and despite going through the same as us we're supporting each other. Teresa, Hannah, Kate and Dina have all held me up the last few weeks- Teresa was on the other end of the phone when I needed her, Kate too has been boosting me up and helping me stay strong. Hannah (my Hannah, not PJ's Hannah) has just been a friend, distracting me by doing normal friend stuff...talking if I want to talk about it but if not providing other conversation so I don't have to think. And Dina...I hadn't realised until we finished for the summer quite how much I need Dina...she has become one of my best friends and despite being miles away in Holland, amidst her own family sadness, she has been there for me..possibly because she knows how I'm feeling.
I thank God so much for these people, what I would do without them I do not know.
Like I said, tomorrow life will go on, normal things will start again (lunch with friends, church, results day, work training, uni workshops)...but for today, I'm just going to sit in the sadness and know that I am not alone.
Much love xxx
I am ok, I promise.
I have read my blog back and realised quite how down I sounded...which I was...but I'm ok now. Grandma is ok and that helps alot. Plus I had some amazing friends give support via calls and texts, and Mum, PJ and I are all supporting each other. So the day ended up being alright in the end.
I finished the study (with help from alot of people) and I'm happy with it. And Mum & I went swimming this evening. Plus I even went to tesco's and did a bit of a food shop tonight.
Tomorrow we're going over to visit Grandpa & Grandma...without being overally morbid, this is a sort of chance to possible say our last goodbyes to Grandpa since we can't guarantee we'll see him again before he dies so it's going to be difficult. But we're seeing Val, Ivor & Ruth too (aunt, uncle and cousin) which will be good and we can all support each other.
It does seem like a never-ending rollercoaster and although the 'highs' aren't really highs, I feel as though we've come back up for breath before we head down a dip again tomorrow. And that's a good thing because I'm not sure how I would've been able to put on a brave face and smile at Grandma & Grandpa tomorrow if I still felt like I did this morning.
One silver lining to all this stuff...I've barely thought about results day on Monday! It's coming quickly and I just haven't thought about it that much. Ah well, we'll see what I get, it can't be too bad in comparison to the rest of the stuff.
I'm going to bed to get some good sleep in before tomorrow.
Much love xxx
I finished the study (with help from alot of people) and I'm happy with it. And Mum & I went swimming this evening. Plus I even went to tesco's and did a bit of a food shop tonight.
Tomorrow we're going over to visit Grandpa & Grandma...without being overally morbid, this is a sort of chance to possible say our last goodbyes to Grandpa since we can't guarantee we'll see him again before he dies so it's going to be difficult. But we're seeing Val, Ivor & Ruth too (aunt, uncle and cousin) which will be good and we can all support each other.
It does seem like a never-ending rollercoaster and although the 'highs' aren't really highs, I feel as though we've come back up for breath before we head down a dip again tomorrow. And that's a good thing because I'm not sure how I would've been able to put on a brave face and smile at Grandma & Grandpa tomorrow if I still felt like I did this morning.
One silver lining to all this stuff...I've barely thought about results day on Monday! It's coming quickly and I just haven't thought about it that much. Ah well, we'll see what I get, it can't be too bad in comparison to the rest of the stuff.
I'm going to bed to get some good sleep in before tomorrow.
Much love xxx
Thursday, 11 June 2009
I can't do this anymore
This stupid, never-ending rollercoaster. I can't do it.
Grandpa is home from hospital but Grandma is now in hospital.
And I have to paint gloss work in the study today.
And I can't do it. I can't do stupid mundane things when this keeps happening. And I think this could be bad coz Mum's worried...she didn't say that but I can tell, it's why I always make sure she tells me the news, even if I've heard it from somewhere else first, coz I can tell how serious it is (sorry Mum but I can...even if you don't know how serious it actually is, I can tell how serious you think it could be). Now on the other hand this is what Grandma did about 4 weeks ago (they couldn't wake her up this morning) so she could be in and out of hospital in a day again...and I can also tell that Mum thinks that's a genuine possibility which is good. But we just don't know.
And I can't do this anymore.
Except I kind of have to. Life can't stop for every hospital trip that they do. If it did we'd never do anything! But with Grandpa so close to the end, it feels different this time round.
And I will keep going, I'll take a deep breath, have some breakfast and then wait for Nan to arrive to help me paint. And I'll tell them that I'm ok and that I don't want to talk about it. And really I'm struggling today.
I just had a little cry but managed to call Teresa who was lovely, didn't really say anything but I needed a familiar voice to just calm me and block out my own voice.
I know that both Mum & Dad will read this, really I'm alright, don't worry (especially you Dad). I'm tired too and that never helps. I am going to save this as draft though until Mum has spoken to Dad properly. And we might have more news.
Much love xxx
UPDATE: Grandma had a seizure and they should be discharging her today. I'm feeling much better now (so I re-iterate 'don't worry!' to Mum & Dad) and Mum and I are about to go swimming :) the day got better from how it started!
Grandpa is home from hospital but Grandma is now in hospital.
And I have to paint gloss work in the study today.
And I can't do it. I can't do stupid mundane things when this keeps happening. And I think this could be bad coz Mum's worried...she didn't say that but I can tell, it's why I always make sure she tells me the news, even if I've heard it from somewhere else first, coz I can tell how serious it is (sorry Mum but I can...even if you don't know how serious it actually is, I can tell how serious you think it could be). Now on the other hand this is what Grandma did about 4 weeks ago (they couldn't wake her up this morning) so she could be in and out of hospital in a day again...and I can also tell that Mum thinks that's a genuine possibility which is good. But we just don't know.
And I can't do this anymore.
Except I kind of have to. Life can't stop for every hospital trip that they do. If it did we'd never do anything! But with Grandpa so close to the end, it feels different this time round.
And I will keep going, I'll take a deep breath, have some breakfast and then wait for Nan to arrive to help me paint. And I'll tell them that I'm ok and that I don't want to talk about it. And really I'm struggling today.
I just had a little cry but managed to call Teresa who was lovely, didn't really say anything but I needed a familiar voice to just calm me and block out my own voice.
I know that both Mum & Dad will read this, really I'm alright, don't worry (especially you Dad). I'm tired too and that never helps. I am going to save this as draft though until Mum has spoken to Dad properly. And we might have more news.
Much love xxx
UPDATE: Grandma had a seizure and they should be discharging her today. I'm feeling much better now (so I re-iterate 'don't worry!' to Mum & Dad) and Mum and I are about to go swimming :) the day got better from how it started!
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
following in dad's footsteps
On Monday we had a team day at work and part of it was a session with a speech and language therapist where she taught us sign language.
Now I already know a bit of sign language since we do it for some worship songs at church, and I know the alphabet (I seem to remember being taught it on venture camp many years ago!) but other than that I don't know much.
Dad took a course on it last year or the year before and has gotten particularly good, especially with worship songs.
And now I've followed in his footsteps because I now know over 150 signs!
They are a combination of makaton signs and BSL signs, but they're the ones used for working with children with learning disabilities in Oxfordshire so they are the ones I'll need to know. And they are just key-words because that's what kids tend to respond to.
I now know actions (run, kick, sit), objects (ball, chair, bag, train, swing), animals (duck, crocodile, lion, elephant), food (chocolate, cake, orange, pear), people (mummy, daddy, doctor) and general terms (hello, thankyou, happy, what/where/which/who)
I'm trying to practise them so that I don't forget them but since Dad is in America I can't show him! Ah well, hopefully I'll be super good by the time he gets back and I can show them off!
That's my blog for today (to update you, they've manged to get grandpa home which is good coz he didn't want to die in hospital)
Much love xxx
Now I already know a bit of sign language since we do it for some worship songs at church, and I know the alphabet (I seem to remember being taught it on venture camp many years ago!) but other than that I don't know much.
Dad took a course on it last year or the year before and has gotten particularly good, especially with worship songs.
And now I've followed in his footsteps because I now know over 150 signs!
They are a combination of makaton signs and BSL signs, but they're the ones used for working with children with learning disabilities in Oxfordshire so they are the ones I'll need to know. And they are just key-words because that's what kids tend to respond to.
I now know actions (run, kick, sit), objects (ball, chair, bag, train, swing), animals (duck, crocodile, lion, elephant), food (chocolate, cake, orange, pear), people (mummy, daddy, doctor) and general terms (hello, thankyou, happy, what/where/which/who)
I'm trying to practise them so that I don't forget them but since Dad is in America I can't show him! Ah well, hopefully I'll be super good by the time he gets back and I can show them off!
That's my blog for today (to update you, they've manged to get grandpa home which is good coz he didn't want to die in hospital)
Much love xxx
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
project decoration
ok so my last blog wasn't so cheery...sorry about that.
I spoke to my dad today, who's away in america for the next few weeks :( and he said he was going to start a blog so we can keep up-to-date with what he's doing.
but it made me realise that I should probably write some more in mine!
so today you get to hear about Project Decoration!!!
last year I made an off-hand comment about decorating the study...nothing came of it. but when I was thinking about how to fill my 4 month holiday I decided that I would actually do something about it. Mum & Dad agreed (it was less work for them) and we decided that it'd be best for me to do it when Dad's away, that way I wouldn't mess all the computers up!
So Monday night Mum, PJ and I cleared the study and pushed the desks to the middle, ready for decoration!
This morning Grandad came up and filled the holes in the walls for me (just little holes...I just don't know how to do pollyfilla!) and then I spent the afternoon prepping the walls, washing them down, sanding down one wall that had chips in it, painting the ceiling and I also managed to paint one of the walls (it was painted in a darker colour so will need more coats of paint!).
It was a sucessful afternoon but also very tiring! Preparation is the worst part, it's not fun like painting is, and it's so exhausting! I know it's worth doing because it makes the job easier but urgh it is not fun!
Tomorrow Hannah is coming round to help me paint the walls :) which will be fun, she's finally finished all her gap year travels and is home for the summer so I'm pleased to spend time with her! 3 walls in 'Spring Blush' (white with a hint of lilac/pink) and 1 wall in Mulberry Burst (a plum/dark purple colour)...should be lovely.
On Thursday my Nan is going to come and help me do the gloss work- something I'm not so good at and although she complains about it I know she doesn't mind helping me and actually quite likes teaching me how to do it properly!
Anyway it's a good project for me to do, I've slowly been building up my decorating skills and I actually quite enjoy it; thinking about what colours and where everything will go and then finding the right colours and painting it and finishing it all off. It keeps my mind off things and I can just stick the radio on and work the afternoon away.
It does mean that I get to the evening and am shattered though!
I think that's it for this blog :) will try and blog more often and I'm sure I will once I finish the study and of course RESULTS are on Monday! Scary stuff :s haven't had the lovely nightmares about them yet but I'm sure they'll come like they did last semester!
Much love xxx
I spoke to my dad today, who's away in america for the next few weeks :( and he said he was going to start a blog so we can keep up-to-date with what he's doing.
but it made me realise that I should probably write some more in mine!
so today you get to hear about Project Decoration!!!
last year I made an off-hand comment about decorating the study...nothing came of it. but when I was thinking about how to fill my 4 month holiday I decided that I would actually do something about it. Mum & Dad agreed (it was less work for them) and we decided that it'd be best for me to do it when Dad's away, that way I wouldn't mess all the computers up!
So Monday night Mum, PJ and I cleared the study and pushed the desks to the middle, ready for decoration!
This morning Grandad came up and filled the holes in the walls for me (just little holes...I just don't know how to do pollyfilla!) and then I spent the afternoon prepping the walls, washing them down, sanding down one wall that had chips in it, painting the ceiling and I also managed to paint one of the walls (it was painted in a darker colour so will need more coats of paint!).
It was a sucessful afternoon but also very tiring! Preparation is the worst part, it's not fun like painting is, and it's so exhausting! I know it's worth doing because it makes the job easier but urgh it is not fun!
Tomorrow Hannah is coming round to help me paint the walls :) which will be fun, she's finally finished all her gap year travels and is home for the summer so I'm pleased to spend time with her! 3 walls in 'Spring Blush' (white with a hint of lilac/pink) and 1 wall in Mulberry Burst (a plum/dark purple colour)...should be lovely.
On Thursday my Nan is going to come and help me do the gloss work- something I'm not so good at and although she complains about it I know she doesn't mind helping me and actually quite likes teaching me how to do it properly!
Anyway it's a good project for me to do, I've slowly been building up my decorating skills and I actually quite enjoy it; thinking about what colours and where everything will go and then finding the right colours and painting it and finishing it all off. It keeps my mind off things and I can just stick the radio on and work the afternoon away.
It does mean that I get to the evening and am shattered though!
I think that's it for this blog :) will try and blog more often and I'm sure I will once I finish the study and of course RESULTS are on Monday! Scary stuff :s haven't had the lovely nightmares about them yet but I'm sure they'll come like they did last semester!
Much love xxx
Saturday, 6 June 2009
apologies
Apologies for no blog for a while...been somewhat at a loss about how to write this blog without crying.
my grandpa has been given 2-3 weeks to live.
I haven't really let it sink it yet, I get close to tears and then pull myself away.
however my body has decided this isn't ok and has reacted the way it normally does under stress...made me sick.
Well, I haven't been sick yet but I woke up in the middle of the night retching and with bad stomach-ache. I then didn't allow myself time to recover and ate normally at lunch and it complained again!
I always do this. When I'm stressed or anxious my body reacts by making me feel nauseous :(
I realise that I've written more about me being ill than about my grandpa...but I can't write about that....not now...not yet...
I will let myself feel it soon...but not at the moment...
Much love xxx
my grandpa has been given 2-3 weeks to live.
I haven't really let it sink it yet, I get close to tears and then pull myself away.
however my body has decided this isn't ok and has reacted the way it normally does under stress...made me sick.
Well, I haven't been sick yet but I woke up in the middle of the night retching and with bad stomach-ache. I then didn't allow myself time to recover and ate normally at lunch and it complained again!
I always do this. When I'm stressed or anxious my body reacts by making me feel nauseous :(
I realise that I've written more about me being ill than about my grandpa...but I can't write about that....not now...not yet...
I will let myself feel it soon...but not at the moment...
Much love xxx
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