Head vs Heart

I don't deal well with change.
I'm self-aware enough to know that and can willingly admit that. It means that any time of starting something new I often feel over-whelmed and out of control. And as previously mentioned in other blog posts- feeling out of control is not a fun feeling for me...it often results in me overthinking things, feeling anxious, and lots of tears :(

If ever I feel overwhelmed or out of control, I try and get out of it by thinking everything through and trying to find a way to fix it. Either by reminding myself of the good things in my life, or the good reasons I got into the situation I'm in, or I try and find practical ways I can fix the situation or a small part of the situation.
However if I can't find these answers quickly then I tend to spiral and the anxiety takes over. It's not always a fully-blown panic attack, sometimes its just a lot of tears and worry.

Today I had one of these moments...
It was the first week of my course this week and it was fine. Some good bits, some not so fun bits. Mostly I'm really tired. The commute has been exhausting and I've only done it 3 days. Plus it's costing me a lot more in petrol than I thought. And looking at my finances has only stressed me more as I'm not even sure that I can get through the year at this point- not working means that things are tight.
I tried to think of solutions: coming up with possible things I might do with my life so that I could find the reason for this step. Solving the money issue by giving up any semblance of a social life. Which is not something I want to do, if I'm honest. Trying to find any way to fix something so that I feel more in control. But it doesn't make me feel better, probably because I'm tired and struggling to see why I'm doing what I'm doing.

Plus I have an overwhelming weight that it's my responsibility to sort it out. I'm 25 now, I chose this step, I did the maths and thought money would be ok. I prayed and felt it was the right step. I put myself into this place, it's my irrational tired emotions that have put me here and it's up to me to get myself out of it. I'm not a teenager anymore, I don't expect my parents or friends to have magical answers or solutions to sort it out for me. But perhaps I make that weight too heavy on myself.

God has been so good in teaching me to trust Him, and today is just one of those days where it's tough to do because I can't see why I'm doing this course because I'm not sure of the next steps.
When I really stop and think about it, I do know that He opened this door and that it felt right to pursue it and to stop work and focus on this next stepping stone.
But when the other things feel so big- money, energy, time- it's really tough to hold onto that not-very-tangible truth. Particularly when that feeling of trust and handing over control is something that doesn't come naturally to me at the best of times.

I know the truths in my head- God is good. God put me on this path. Money is just money. Rest will come. Balance will come. It's only the first week.
I also know that the emotions in my heart often take over- anxiety, lack of trust, need for control, not knowing the purpose or end goal of this step.
It's that old head vs. heart battle.

I'm not sure the purpose of this blog post, other than to ask for prayers from any of you who pray- plus writing things down often helps me process my thoughts and get them out.
Sorry it's not a super entertaining or profound blog- just an every day, very selfish, struggling a little bit, kind of blog.
Love x

Feminism...a slightly different view?

I've been mulling this post over for a while, somewhat hesitant to write it out of fear of backlash or being misunderstood...I'm aware that people are very passionate about this subject but I hope you will see that it's just my view, and as Thumper would say "if you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all" (poor grammar but you get my point!)

Earlier this week I asked one of my male friends to carry a heavy box of books to the car for me. I'm perfectly capable of carrying the box, I'm actually pretty strong, but there are a few reasons I asked him to carry it instead- firstly I have a history of back problems and carrying a heavy box isn't helpful, secondly I'd had a long day and was tired, and thirdly (and probably the biggest reason)...I frankly quite enjoy it when men do things for me!

As I asked my friend to do this, someone joked "oh it's ok, we're not feminists!" And I replied "actually I am a feminist...feminism is about choice and I choose to have a man carry the box for me!"

It was said to make people laugh, I'm not actually sure I'd naturally identify myself as a feminist but it got me thinking again about this subject.

I was taught at university that feminism is about women having equal opportunities and the chance to be treated with equal value to men. It's NOT about hating men, or refusing to let men do anything for you. It's about not being forced to conform to behaviour or roles JUST BECAUSE we are women.

This means that my friends who want to open doors for themselves and carry boxes for themselves have every right to do that. They are strong, independent women who are equal to men and choose how they behave. They are smart and have decided that this is how they want to be treated.

BUT- I am also a strong, independent woman...and I also have the right to choose how I want to be treated...and that means that it's ok for me to like it when a guy opens a door for me!

It's ok that I ask my male friend to carry a box for me. It's ok that I would want a guy to offer to walk me home if it's dark. It's ok that I would expect my brother to defend my honour if any man ever treated me badly. It's ok that I get pleasure out of a guy buying me a drink, or paying for my dinner on a date (which clearly are things that I go on, all the time...haha!)

I don't know why I enjoy these little things but I do. I don't know why a man doing them for me makes a difference to my reaction but it does. It makes me smile and feel warm & fuzzy inside :) and that's got to be an ok thing for me to want and enjoy, right?

Enjoying these things does not make me anti-feminist or anti-women's rights.

I was once told that by wanting these things I was "setting feminism back decades"...seriously?!? Women fought for me to have the choice about how I am treated, and I choose to be looked after by the men around me...also I highly doubt that I am significant enough that my choices would affect a movement that big!

Let me be clear- the way I personally view feminism is that it's my choice and by telling me that I need to behave a certain way and I can't want men to be chivalrous, you are actually being just as judgmental and oppressive as the systems were back in the olden days (yes, that's the time reference I'm using...history is not my strong point!). So please don't make me feel bad for wanting these things.

I have realised that one problem with this whole 'both ways are ok' thing is that it does somewhat complicate things for men.

This idea that some women like to open doors for themselves and some like to have it done for them only adds to the already heavy minefield that men face when interacting with women...unfortunately gentlemen, we are a complicated gender and you'll probably get it wrong on more than one occasion. But I promise that we are worth it!

So yeah...I think those are all my thoughts on it...I hope I made sense and didn't offend anyone.

As a side note, I wanted to say that I am incredibly blessed by the men around me who do look out for me and open doors for me, buy me drinks, walk me home, and defend my honour...they are great men who I know wouldn't respect me any more or less if I decided to do those things by myself instead (which often I do). I just know that they love and care for me...which also makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside :)

And I'll leave you with one of the highlights of my day courtesy of one of my new classmates, an American no less ;) I was walking with this male classmate today and offered to share my umbrella with him but he is much taller than I am, so he took it out my hand and held it above us. Then he offered me his arm so that we could walk together under the umbrella without getting wet. He didn't think twice about it, there was no underlying motive, it was just how he'd been taught to treat a lady. I didn't say anything because it just wasn't a big deal...but it did make me smile :)

Rainbows in the rain

I've always found that saying very cliche...'seeing the rainbow through the rain'...I love rainbows, I believe they are a sign of God's promises to us. But I always thought it was a bit cheesy to believe that in the midst of sorrow people should be able to see a rainbow. I love an inspirational quote but this was always a bit too much.

Yet in the last year I think I've learnt, more than ever, that God has a way of using the bad stuff to change us and mould us and ultimately bless us....of using the rain to make rainbows. 

Currently I am sitting on my comfy sofa, in the warm, getting excited for Christmas...but exactly a year ago I was in my car, trapped by my seatbelt, having taken my eyes off the road for a second. My whole world turned upside down...literally! 

It was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me and I still get emotional thinking about it.

As I picked myself up and began to heal both mentally and physically I was amazed by God's comfort and strength. I was able to drive again quickly and the long term injuries haven't been too severe. I praised God for it but by February I had 'moved on' and was confident that I had gotten past that night.

However, as 2013 draws to a close, I've been reflecting on my life and how much it's changed in the last year. As I look back at those changes I can track them all back to that one night and that surprises me more than it should.

That car crash caused a unique friendship to become closer, shift to love, and then shift back again. Not a sad break-up story, but actually a testament of my first serious relationship. It's the story of a person who saw the walls around my heart and stuck around long enough to be there when I was at my most vulnerable and who made me feel safe. I never would've been so vulnerable without the crash, and he wouldn't have realised how important I was to him without it. Despite it not working out, in the space of a few months there were issues I resolved that I'd been working over a decade to shift...all because of that one night...and for that I will forever be thankful.

That night also prompted me to think about the purpose of my life...why had God made me the way he did, with the skills that I have. This culminated in me handing my notice in at my job over the summer with no plan in mind, just trusting that God had the next step planned...which He did. As of January I am hopefully going to begin a long journey of studying towards becoming an Educational Psychologist. Starting with some part time psychology modules, alongside some part time work...some hours at my old job ...and a nannying job with a lovely family that was offered to me out of the blue the week that I decided to go back to studying. Coincidence? (Psst...no, it was God!)

The crash pushed me to evaluate myself and to examine my life goals, and to go for something that I didn't think I was smart enough to even attempt. Because God made me, and He protects me, and he values my life.

He didn't stop the crash from happening, although I believe that He could have, but instead He used it to move me on from the stagnant life I was living. A life where I moaned about being single and alone, and yet refused to open my heart to anyone. A life where I was going through the motions in a comfortable safe job because it was enjoyable and easy. A life where I was using God as a crisis hotline rather than as a wise friend.

God is so good.

Let me say that again...He is GOOD! He loves us unconditionally and wants to make our lives the best they can be. He has a plan and a purpose and if we seek Him then He will guide us on that path.

God doesn't want us to suffer, but He does want us to live in a world of free will...the consequence of that free will is sin and suffering. God isn't making that happen...we are. He is mercifully sticking with us and finding as many opportunities as He can to use the bad stuff in the best way possible.

A year ago I would've said that I'd do anything to undo that crash and to not have the memories in my head. But considering all the amazing stuff that's happened because of that night...I'll take the memories thanks...because, let's face it, you can't get a rainbow without some rain...

GodZone

GodZone (ɡɒdzəʊn)

noun the regular Sunday morning meeting of children aged 5-11 at Christ Church Abingdon, Northcourt Road. Often includes dramas, quizzes, prayer, worship and fun.

E.g. 'I went to GodZone today and it was brilliant' 

This morning was the last official GodZone for Val, Clive, Jonny, Helen and a few others. I took responsibility for planning and running the morning because I wanted to give them an amazing send off but there was so much I couldn't include that I felt I needed to write this too.

GodZone started just over 11 years ago. The children's work at Christ Church used to be split into two age groups and the children would start in the main service before heading to their groups. A group of people started to imagine what it would be like if they created a kids church...where the kids all gathered together, where there was a live band and fun games, and relevant bible teaching for the children. So that's what they did.

It has been so successful too- we regularly get between 50-70 children each morning plus 20-30 teenagers and leaders. There have been several different quiz formats, a million dramas written, lots of songs, prayer activities, puppet sketches, over £2000 raised for charity...and approximately 400 people who have ever attended or helped with GodZone.

Kids love the fun element but also get excited about meeting with God and learning more about being friends with Him. The team have learnt more and created more things throughout the years, and it keeps getting better and better. I'm sure the next chapter will bring lots of new inspiration and excitement.

This morning as I prayed for our team I said that lots of things have changed but God has stayed the same. I am so grateful for the blessings that God has poured out through GodZone.

So many children and adults have benefitted from the amazingness of GodZone...You might think that this blogpost is about silliness and fun and celebrating GodZone...and it is...but it's also about a group of people that has shaped my life, and I wanted to share that with you too.

My parents have done children's work for as long as I can remember. They used to help on summer venture camps and Sunday school. I attended them all and then as I got to 11 years old and was no longer considered a 'child' I made the natural move to helping with kids work. I helped with Climbers (5-7's) at church and as a Go2 on the venture camps (don't ask!).

As a child I had heard about God from the adults around me and I loved developing a personal connection with Him because of it. I was excited to go to church, I loved singing and dancing and worshipping, I found prayer meaningful and that being with God was amazing fun. The adults, my parents and their friends, had strived to inspire me and teach me, but also to give me a safe place to explore and question. They never judged me or looked down on me, they loved me unconditionally.

As I became a 'leader' I found great pleasure out of watching children ask questions like I did, and have the same awe-inspiring moments that I had, and I wanted to help contribute to creating that safe space for them. I wanted to learn from those adults around me and to love those children, just as I'd been loved.

As a teenager I helped with kids work, at 16 I started to lead groups for myself. In my gap year I did kids work in our sister church site and in the summers I began to lead holiday club groups.

Following university I joined the UpFront team and began formally leading GodZones. One of the responsibilities that I haven taken on myself is to invest in the teenagers because I know the value of that investment myself.

I have now been doing kids work for over 13 years which is over half my life and I hope I have a lot longer to go!

Val, Clive, Jonny, Helen, James, Lynn, Mum and Dad have shaped my character and my faith. They led me as a child, they taught me as a teenager, and they support me as an adult. My parents joke that we corporate parent in our group, but it's so true. These people have been extra parents to me and are now some of my closest friends.

The person that I am, the characteristics I have...I learnt from them.

Mum and Dad taught me more than I can put in this blog (perhaps another time!)

Jonny taught me to think outside the box.

Helen taught me the power of words.

James taught me that nothing is too crazy (and the importance of time-keeping!)

Lynn taught me compassion and empathy.

Clive taught me that I am smarter than I think.

and Val...she taught me everything I know about children's work.

You see, today wasn't just a celebration of GodZone for me...it was a celebration of everything that these people mean to me. The love that they put into teaching children over the years has been immense to watch, but I will forever be indebted to them for the love they have shown me. Our families have laughed and cried together over so many things, we have gained and lost people over the years, but the love has never changed, because the foundation in God has never changed. It's special and rare and I hope some day that my children will experience that kind of family love.

I hope today went a small way to showing them how special they are.

Thank you all xxx

Life decisions

I've always thought that life would be much easier if God gave me a detailed plan of what he wants me to do...with specific details about when and how it would all happen.

But I tend to forget that actually this would take all the fun out of life! If that happened then I'd lose the excitement of discovering something new, the feeling of accomplishment when I achieved something.

Also God doesn't want me to be a mindless, controlled drone...he wants me to seek him and his plan, but to have the freedom to choose and explore.

Which means that I have the amazing ability to think about what I want out of life, to research different possibilities and ultimately try out as many of them as I want. It's important that I keep my eyes on him and keep my heart with him, but that just means that I'm not alone as I try new things.

Secondly God made me exactly how he wanted me to be. He didn't make a mistake or wish that I was different. He made me with the gifts that I have because he knew that I could add something to the world.

He made me to be decisive, he doesn't see that as bossy.

He made me to be organised, he doesn't think I'm obsessive.

He made me to be loving, he doesn't see that as over-emotional.

And if I'm not feeling fulfilled in a job, it doesn't mean that the job or the workplace isn't a good place to be, it's that my skills and gifts don't fit the job I'm in...a round peg in a square hole...actually that's not quite right, it's more like a round peg in a pentagon hole- it fits a bit, but not perfectly. But I deserve to find my perfect fit...I was made by the ultimate creator to be exactly who I am, and he wants me to be the best I can be and help as many people as possible.

All of this is basically me saying that my work life is changing...I've realised that as much as I love where I work, it's come to a time of change...time for me to explore :)

No decisions yet, I will let you know when I've worked it out! But for now, I'm just pleased that I've recognised these truths of God...that he has a plan but wants me to have freedom, and that as far as he's concerned I am perfectly made.

It takes a church...

Yesterday my little brother married one of my best friends and in his speech he quoted 'it takes a village to raise a child, and a community to help build a marriage'...well I'd like to add to that and say that it also takes a church to run a wedding.

PJ & Hannah's wedding was one of the most special days I have ever been a part of, watching two of my favourite people finally get to publicly commit themselves to each other and begin their married life together was just incredible. Hannah is the sweetest and kindest person I know, and PJ is the most loyal and protective brother I could've ever hoped for, and to witness their love for each other and the way they are building their marriage around God is such a privilege.

But...running a wedding is hard work, especially when you want to ensure that PJ & Hannah get to enjoy it, and there is no way we could've done it without our extended church family. Because church is not a building it is a community and a family (and I have no idea how anyone does a wedding without them!):

It's Eliza, Alex, Duncan, Hannah, Meg, Molly, Katie, Andy, Will and Catherine who served the guests with grace and professionalism.

It's Mike and Ronnie who undertook the enormous task of heading up the 'behind the scenes' teams and poured themselves into working and ensuring everything was done well, all with humour and spark.

It's the Ross', Nashs, Hancocks, McLeishs, Moons, Sandifords, Challis', Saxbys, Scotneys (and any others I've forgotten!) who made delicious salads and puddings to cater for hundreds.

It's Jean who generously made the cake, Mum who did the flowers, Nan who made the bunting, Rachel who lent bunting, Janice who lent decorations (and headed up tea & coffee), Grace who decorated the cake, Burfitts and Sandifords and Brombleys who set up the church on Friday..all details that added up to a huge amount.

All of whom I think were thanked on the day by PJ & Hannah :) and all of whom I am thankful for too

...but there are a few unsung heroes that I am especially thankful for, without whom I wouldn't have survived:

It's Emily, Callum, Jenny, Jon (and several others whose names I can't remember) who stayed very late with me to help clear the church afterwards and graciously followed my tired directing without question.

It's Challis', Nashs, Saxbys and other Christchurch people who left the party without question to help us clear out the reception room when we realised we were short-handed, they got stuck in without complaining or expecting anything in return.

It's Millers who travelled across the Atlantic to enjoy a party and still chose to come and help tidy up.

It's Scotneys who willingly helped set up on Friday night, pack down on Saturday, AND provided us with two of the cutest ushers I've ever seen (and who just stopped by to share photos with us!)

It's Duncan who did all things without me asking and made me cry with laughter by trying to transport a wedding cake home at 1.30am.

It's Josh who carried a million sofas and chairs across the church site always giving me a smile and making me laugh.

It's Rich who didn't rest until every job was done and who even found time to chat through my life plans and offer wisdom.

And then there are those who didn't even know they were helping...

It's a vicar who said it was the most special wedding she'd ever been to.

It's the girl I had never met before telling me that I looked beautiful and was doing a good job.

It's Angie, Kathryn and Ruth who intentionally caught up on my life and offered encouragement, making me feel valued and affirmed in my decisions.

It's Jake who saw me trying to move a table this morning at GodZone, recognised that I was exhausted and told me to stop because he would do it.

It's Josh, Elliot, Joe and Sarah who ensured that I spent a good amount of time on the dance floor and got to enjoy the wedding too.

It's Issac, Joseph and Shelby who were not only adorable little ushers and flower girl, but also kept me smiling and surrounded by love so that I didn't have much chance to feel single at my little brother's wedding...a concept that I'm sure they don't even understand which makes it even sweeter.

Today I will crash out, exhausted physically and emotionally, and very thankful that I have tomorrow off work to recover!

But yesterday, Saturday 14th September 2013, will always be in my memory as a day that saw two amazing people get married, and a day that saw a church family come together to graciously and lovingly make it all happen smoothly.

As far as I'm concerned it was the best day of my life...so far! And it's made even more special knowing that whenever my day comes, most of those same people will come together again to make my day incredible too...because that's what family does.

A week of prayer...

About three months ago I felt God saying that I was signed up for the wrong team for the first week of New Wine. So I prayed about it and then got in touch with my friend who had run a prayer space the previous year. She said she wasn't doing it the first week but 24-7 Prayer were, a few weeks later I was in touch with them, a few weeks after that my application was switched over, a few weeks after that I arrived at New Wine to meet the most amazingly welcoming team.

I came to New Wine this year carrying a bit of baggage about several things and God has blessed me with these brilliant people who have accepted me, listened to me, offered me advice and hugs, and taught me more about God and prayer than I had anticipated.

Between us we've been running an Internet cafe with the best coffee on site (not that I'm biased!), and a prayer shed...open 7.30am- 10.30pm...so not quite 24-7 like it says on the tin but if I've learnt anything this week it's that prayer is not prescriptive, it doesn't follow rules or timings or plans...it's personal and emotional and spiritual...it's conversation with God, and He LOVES that!

For any of my friends who are coming to New Wine CSW next week, I highly recommend spending some time here...it'll still be going! Then head to the cafe for a decent cup of coffee :)

Anyway I thought I'd post some pictures of the different stations we have and share some of what I've been learning this week. There are 10 stations, people don't have to do them in order but they follow the story of Joseph if you do:

1. Thankfulness

This wall of thankful prayers is right by where I sit when I'm hosting the venue and its the most humbling collection of thanks to God. The prayers range from thanks for family, to thanks for creation...and if you ever need something to bring your focus back to God- just think about what you can thank him for...trust me, the list seems unending.

2. Hopes and Dreams

I love the bubble tubes, I could sit and watch them for hours...this station encourages people to write down their hopes and watch them rise like bubbles to God. I really enjoy that God is invested in my hopes and dreams, He's the one who put them in my heart and He wants them to come to fruition just as much as me.

3. Obedience

A simple station...just putting your thumbprint on a canvas. But that thumbprint symbolises your choice to be completely obedient to God...harder than you would think, trust me! I think this station took me the longest when I went round, because it's not a simple decision. It's massively hard to trust God that much that you will follow whatever He says. Particularly for a control freak like me!

4. Places of Influence

Inside this black tent is actually a beautiful sanctuary of fairy lights and cardboard walls that now have writing and handprints all over them. It asks people to think about where they have influence over people or things. I struggled with this one because I don't think of myself as someone who has influence but actually I do...on my friends, on the kids and youth at church...and I need to take responsibility for that and ensure that I seek God first and be a representation of Him to those people.

5. Worries

This station wasn't so hard for me! I worry all the time...about everything! My luggage tag was full quickly!

But tying it up and handing everything over to God, not so easy...and yet so worth doing.

6. God's Voice

This station had people writing promises and prophecies on acetate triangles and pegging them up...you can't really see them all in the photo...but they are there! God is clearly speaking over people's lives and it's been amazing to see how many clear words and pictures He's been giving.

7. Creativity

The amount of pictures that have been created in this space...but actually I think I've found that its more about the process than the product. God's spirit flowing through people to create and enjoying talking to Him this way. People will stay a long time at this station, I did myself. I was just quiet and calm and fun.

8. World Issues

I've been reading Red Moon Rising this week (just finished it!) which is the story of 24-7 Prayer and its clear in that book that its no just about prayer, it's about action...God breaks our hearts for what breaks His and this map is so full of people praying for issues and places. God seeks justice for people who are hurting and He is calling us to help them.

9. Sorry

This station seemed quite late in the order to me, but I get it...having taken time to get in touch with God and deepen how I was communicating with Him, it's important to acknowledge that I'm not worthy. That I am broken and messed up and that I have to say sorry for those things that separate me from God.

10. Forgiveness

Following on from station 9, this space means I was able to go from this place feeling clean and forgiven and loved. God is so good that even when I mess up on the same things again and again, He still offers forgiveness.

Even when He and I both know that I'm going to mess up again, He offers forgiveness and love.

It's incredibly humbling.

The final area is the Deeper Tent...

A space to just be with God...there's a real sense of peace and calm when you enter this tent. It's a place to go deeper with God and spend time just enjoying Him.

It took time for this tent to come together and it was slightly delayed in opening but actually I truly believe that's because it's such a special place and the enemy wanted to try and throw it off track...but we prayed protection and God prevailed.

That's the prayer shed...I've been so blessed to be able to spend hours here at a time whilst hosting it, I've also spent some of my 'free' time here...because its helped me bring my focus back to God.

It's making me think about how I can create my own space back home because everything else has a better perspective on it when my eyes are focused on God :)