This is just a short post because it's my birthday :D :D :D
and I want to go enjoy the day but hopefully I'll blog again tonight!
So far this morning I woke up to find that PJ & Hannah had decorated the house with balloons and banners which made me feel very loved!
Then PJ made us breakfast and I opened presents...my main present from M&D is money but they'd also got me my own sewing things (sewing box, scissors, thread, pins etc) and wrapped them all up individually so that I had lots of things to open! Nan and Grandad also got my sewing things and money, including my own pin cushion with my name on it and everything!
I'm really chuffed with the sewing stuff actually, when I was making Hannah's skirt and PJ's rip-off suit I was using Mum and Nan's stuff and I was thinking 'oh it'd be nice to have my own set' but I never said anything and yet Mum knew and got me loads of things! it was really lovely :)
Plus I got to speak to Mum and Dad on the phone before we went to Godzone...
Oh speaking of Godzone...I wore my huge birthday badge (courtesy of Hannah) and took my little birthday balloon (courtesy of PJ) and decided there was no point being subtle about the fact it was my birthday! The whole of Godzone sang me Happy Birthday which was sweet and unexpected...and lots of people gave me hugs, especially the kids which was cute!
Now I'm back home and we're just tidying up and getting ready before we go have lunch at the Challis' which'll be fun, and then got people coming round for the party later! And then Space in the evening :D this is going to be a good day!
Oooh and Mum & Dad come home TOMORROW!!!! which I'm very pleased about, and since Dad has been a bit sick, I think they're about ready to come home too :)
Mum says yes to banner and balloons but Dad says no...hmm which parent do I listen to??? Guess they'll have to wait and see....
Much love xxx
Sunday, 6 September 2009
Saturday, 5 September 2009
Day Nine without parents
I realise that since yesterday's post was written just after midnight that it looks like I've already written a post today but I haven't!
So I thought I should write a quick blog :)
I had my hair cut today which was nice, keeping it similar but with a few differences, just so I don't get bored!
Then Kate came over and we watched old Laguna Beach episodes which I loved! we started watching the show together and have gotten hooked on the Hills together...I know it's reality trash tv but I love it because we can liken all the people on the show to people that we know!
Right now I'm sat chilling in front of the tv and just enjoying my last few hours as a teenager! Since tomorrow I will be 20 years old :D which is weird! no longer a teenager...but I'm looking forward to my birthday...especially since I had some beautiful flowers delivered this morning from Mum and Dad which put a big smile on my face! Obviously they don't deliver flowers on a Sunday so they had to come today, but it was nice...felt like a proper birthday weekend!
Anyway, I'm going to continue to just relax and look forward to my birthday! I'm sure tomorrow is going to fly by and then suddenly it'll be Monday and Mum & Dad will be coming home...I'm looking forward to seeing them...do you think balloons and a banner saying 'welcome home' to greet them at the airport would be too much???
Much love xxx
So I thought I should write a quick blog :)
I had my hair cut today which was nice, keeping it similar but with a few differences, just so I don't get bored!
Then Kate came over and we watched old Laguna Beach episodes which I loved! we started watching the show together and have gotten hooked on the Hills together...I know it's reality trash tv but I love it because we can liken all the people on the show to people that we know!
Right now I'm sat chilling in front of the tv and just enjoying my last few hours as a teenager! Since tomorrow I will be 20 years old :D which is weird! no longer a teenager...but I'm looking forward to my birthday...especially since I had some beautiful flowers delivered this morning from Mum and Dad which put a big smile on my face! Obviously they don't deliver flowers on a Sunday so they had to come today, but it was nice...felt like a proper birthday weekend!
Anyway, I'm going to continue to just relax and look forward to my birthday! I'm sure tomorrow is going to fly by and then suddenly it'll be Monday and Mum & Dad will be coming home...I'm looking forward to seeing them...do you think balloons and a banner saying 'welcome home' to greet them at the airport would be too much???
Much love xxx
Day Eight without parents
Wow it's already Day 8... there's like no time left :) weird!
Today was a good day, had both Lynn and Val drop by which was lovely...it's nice to know that Mum & Dad's friends check up on us when they aren't around, makes me feel very loved!
Had lunch with Nan & Grandad which was good, sort of a birthday lunch/because M&D are away...and then spent the evening babysitting for the Murrays which was an experience, they're lovely kids but they love to push the boundaries...good thing I've been babysitting them for years and know all their tricks!
Tomorrow I'm having a haircut, I don't super need one but there's something nice about getting pampered at the hairdressers and since it's almost my birthday!
Oooh speaking of which, the first cards came through the post today and a few little gifts from N&G too so they're sat on the side now which really makes it feel like it's my birthday soon :D I'm started to be excited about it!
I watched Pride & Prejudice at the Murray's house and now I'm having to work really hard not to speak like they do in the film!
Anyway, that's all...sounds like M&D are continuing to have a brilliant time, and since the end is near and I'm not struggling as much without them I hope that they are able to enjoy the last couple of days without worrying about me as much! (Although don't stop the communication Mum! I enjoy our chats!)
Much love xxx
Today was a good day, had both Lynn and Val drop by which was lovely...it's nice to know that Mum & Dad's friends check up on us when they aren't around, makes me feel very loved!
Had lunch with Nan & Grandad which was good, sort of a birthday lunch/because M&D are away...and then spent the evening babysitting for the Murrays which was an experience, they're lovely kids but they love to push the boundaries...good thing I've been babysitting them for years and know all their tricks!
Tomorrow I'm having a haircut, I don't super need one but there's something nice about getting pampered at the hairdressers and since it's almost my birthday!
Oooh speaking of which, the first cards came through the post today and a few little gifts from N&G too so they're sat on the side now which really makes it feel like it's my birthday soon :D I'm started to be excited about it!
I watched Pride & Prejudice at the Murray's house and now I'm having to work really hard not to speak like they do in the film!
Anyway, that's all...sounds like M&D are continuing to have a brilliant time, and since the end is near and I'm not struggling as much without them I hope that they are able to enjoy the last couple of days without worrying about me as much! (Although don't stop the communication Mum! I enjoy our chats!)
Much love xxx
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Day Seven without Parents
I couldn't do it :(
I couldn't stay in Oxford. I tried...I spent the whole evening there with PJ and Hannah, had a little wobble before leaving to go but got through it, we had dinner and watched 2 movies...and just as the 2nd film was ending and I started to think about going to bed...I panicked.
It sounds so silly because I was there...all I had to do was go upstairs and go to bed...but I couldn't do it. Well actually I'm pretty certain I could've but I was starting to panic and get upset and it wasn't worth trying to push through that.
So we came home.
And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed...I'm trying to force myself not to listen to the little voice that says 'you failed' because I didn't fail...I tried and I just wasn't able to do it this time. And that's not my fault, I can't control the panic and I can't explain it, it isn't rational. All I know is that it's better to realise it early and not to push myself.
I'm frustrated because I wish I could stay there...I want to...but it's like something takes over and I start to panic.
Part of it is left over feelings from halls I think, where I felt trapped at night and couldn't go home. And I actually think part of it is the whole moving out of home thing...it feels like as soon as I manage to stay a night then that's it, I should be living there properly...and I don't like that idea yet so I stop myself even getting there.
Does that even make sense? I'm not sure...
Basically I'm not sure whether part of the reason I panic is because I think that even if I push through and manage to stay a night, that would mean that I should be spending all my nights there and I'm not ready for that. Even if I manage to get through one night, doesn't mean I can then automatically do every night...people might say 'but if you've done it before you can do it again' and I'm not sure whether that is going to be true.
Getting through one night is one thing...feeling as though I want to do it...enjoying staying there...choosing to stay there...those are all very different things...
I don't have the answers...I don't know how to solve it...those are just my latest thoughts on the matter.
What I do know is that tonight was a good night...I enjoyed being at the house and that proves that I can still spend time there and hang out with my housemates there, even if I can't yet stay over.
I also know that I didn't fail, and that it isn't my fault that I panic and that I can't just stop myself feeling like that...I just have to recognise my feelings and change the situation early.
And finally I know that I have amazing family and friends who are all very supportive through this...which makes the unspoken comments from others, which they might not even be thinking but I imagine they are, feel so much less important!
My next attempt is going to be with my Mum I think...if anyone can talk me through it, she can, so we'll give that a go at some point...but there's no rush and no pressure :)
That's all I have to say, I'm going to have a little cry (not because I'm still upset, but because sometimes you just need to let the leftover emotion out!) and then I'm going to sleep.
Much love xxx
I couldn't stay in Oxford. I tried...I spent the whole evening there with PJ and Hannah, had a little wobble before leaving to go but got through it, we had dinner and watched 2 movies...and just as the 2nd film was ending and I started to think about going to bed...I panicked.
It sounds so silly because I was there...all I had to do was go upstairs and go to bed...but I couldn't do it. Well actually I'm pretty certain I could've but I was starting to panic and get upset and it wasn't worth trying to push through that.
So we came home.
And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed...I'm trying to force myself not to listen to the little voice that says 'you failed' because I didn't fail...I tried and I just wasn't able to do it this time. And that's not my fault, I can't control the panic and I can't explain it, it isn't rational. All I know is that it's better to realise it early and not to push myself.
I'm frustrated because I wish I could stay there...I want to...but it's like something takes over and I start to panic.
Part of it is left over feelings from halls I think, where I felt trapped at night and couldn't go home. And I actually think part of it is the whole moving out of home thing...it feels like as soon as I manage to stay a night then that's it, I should be living there properly...and I don't like that idea yet so I stop myself even getting there.
Does that even make sense? I'm not sure...
Basically I'm not sure whether part of the reason I panic is because I think that even if I push through and manage to stay a night, that would mean that I should be spending all my nights there and I'm not ready for that. Even if I manage to get through one night, doesn't mean I can then automatically do every night...people might say 'but if you've done it before you can do it again' and I'm not sure whether that is going to be true.
Getting through one night is one thing...feeling as though I want to do it...enjoying staying there...choosing to stay there...those are all very different things...
I don't have the answers...I don't know how to solve it...those are just my latest thoughts on the matter.
What I do know is that tonight was a good night...I enjoyed being at the house and that proves that I can still spend time there and hang out with my housemates there, even if I can't yet stay over.
I also know that I didn't fail, and that it isn't my fault that I panic and that I can't just stop myself feeling like that...I just have to recognise my feelings and change the situation early.
And finally I know that I have amazing family and friends who are all very supportive through this...which makes the unspoken comments from others, which they might not even be thinking but I imagine they are, feel so much less important!
My next attempt is going to be with my Mum I think...if anyone can talk me through it, she can, so we'll give that a go at some point...but there's no rush and no pressure :)
That's all I have to say, I'm going to have a little cry (not because I'm still upset, but because sometimes you just need to let the leftover emotion out!) and then I'm going to sleep.
Much love xxx
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Day Six without parents
Today was a good day :)
I had a lovely chat with Val and have come to the decision that maybe I should get counselling for all this panic I get about staying in Oxford...it might sound over-dramatic to some people but for anyone who's been through it, a panic attack is horrible and although on Monday I didn't have a full-blown panic attack...I started to get panicked and I just can't control it.
Counselling it might help and I think it's worth a shot...so I'm going to try and sort that out.
Today I also went to the chiropractor to try and sort my back out...she wasn't messing around, basically my posture is terrible and I need to build up my core strength...so hopefully I can sort that out!
And tonight I went to the cinema with Kate which was alot of fun...that seems to be our thing at the moment hehe seen lots of films with her! but that's good :) it's nice to have someone who likes the same sort of films.
Tomorrow I'm doing some shopping with Caitlin, including trying to finally buy some shoes for the wedding! I should've got it sorted before now, I've been so rubbish!
And then in the evening I'm going to attempt to stay in Oxford again...we'll see how it goes...
Friday we're having lunch with Nan and Grandad and then I'm babysitting in the evening. Then it's Saturday and I'm having my hair cut and possibly going out for dinner with Kate, Luce & Jen again which'll be fun...and then it'll be Sunday and my birthday :D...and then Monday is the day Mum and Dad come home! I'm speaking to Mum every day and that's all I need in order to cope...I haven't cried yet today, although there's still a few hours left in the day haha! I'm just tired and emotional and have accepted that I'm a wreck this week!
Right, that's all for today I think, will blog again tomorrow :) possibly from Oxford but I'm not promising anything!
Much love xxx
I had a lovely chat with Val and have come to the decision that maybe I should get counselling for all this panic I get about staying in Oxford...it might sound over-dramatic to some people but for anyone who's been through it, a panic attack is horrible and although on Monday I didn't have a full-blown panic attack...I started to get panicked and I just can't control it.
Counselling it might help and I think it's worth a shot...so I'm going to try and sort that out.
Today I also went to the chiropractor to try and sort my back out...she wasn't messing around, basically my posture is terrible and I need to build up my core strength...so hopefully I can sort that out!
And tonight I went to the cinema with Kate which was alot of fun...that seems to be our thing at the moment hehe seen lots of films with her! but that's good :) it's nice to have someone who likes the same sort of films.
Tomorrow I'm doing some shopping with Caitlin, including trying to finally buy some shoes for the wedding! I should've got it sorted before now, I've been so rubbish!
And then in the evening I'm going to attempt to stay in Oxford again...we'll see how it goes...
Friday we're having lunch with Nan and Grandad and then I'm babysitting in the evening. Then it's Saturday and I'm having my hair cut and possibly going out for dinner with Kate, Luce & Jen again which'll be fun...and then it'll be Sunday and my birthday :D...and then Monday is the day Mum and Dad come home! I'm speaking to Mum every day and that's all I need in order to cope...I haven't cried yet today, although there's still a few hours left in the day haha! I'm just tired and emotional and have accepted that I'm a wreck this week!
Right, that's all for today I think, will blog again tomorrow :) possibly from Oxford but I'm not promising anything!
Much love xxx
Tuesday, 1 September 2009
Day Five without parents (Part B)
I'm a complete emotional trainwreck!
I was absolutely fine...I had spent the afternoon chilling out watching tv and stuff...and then PJ came home about half an hour ago...and I started crying!
What is wrong with me???
I'm tired, and generally emotional, and I think yesterday's emotions just continued...and I'd missed having PJ here too, the house felt totally empty...although I was fine yesterday night...
I seriously can't explain it! But I was just suddenly all teary...
I'm just going to chalk this week up as one of those weeks where I can't help it! I'm tired and emotional and everyone, including myself, is just going to have to accept it!
As my wonderful godmother put it: "allow yourself one little cry once a day and then go out and have fun and sleep in your own bed or any bed you choose (as long as you are on your own, you know my opinion on co-habiting beds without a wedding ring!!!)"
...She does make me smile :)
That's all!
Much love xxx
I was absolutely fine...I had spent the afternoon chilling out watching tv and stuff...and then PJ came home about half an hour ago...and I started crying!
What is wrong with me???
I'm tired, and generally emotional, and I think yesterday's emotions just continued...and I'd missed having PJ here too, the house felt totally empty...although I was fine yesterday night...
I seriously can't explain it! But I was just suddenly all teary...
I'm just going to chalk this week up as one of those weeks where I can't help it! I'm tired and emotional and everyone, including myself, is just going to have to accept it!
As my wonderful godmother put it: "allow yourself one little cry once a day and then go out and have fun and sleep in your own bed or any bed you choose (as long as you are on your own, you know my opinion on co-habiting beds without a wedding ring!!!)"
...She does make me smile :)
That's all!
Much love xxx
Day Five without parents
Wow it's day 5, that's like half way through the holiday :) which is bad for Mum and Dad because they seem to really be enjoying getting to relax...but it makes me feel better!
Today I worked at foodbank and then just spent the afternoon relaxing and watching tv, which was a very nice way to spend the afternoon actually!
Tomorrow I have a load of errands to run and also have an appointment at the chiropractor which will hopefully mean my back gets sorted out, it's been spasming and stuff the last week or so. And then I'm going to the cinema in the evening which'll be good :)
I'm feeling better about not staying in Oxford last night, I got a lovely pep-talk from my godmother and have decided to ignore the voice in my head that's telling me I failed...instead I'm choosing to remember all the things I've achieved in the last few years!
Right, that's all for today's blog I think...not much else to say!
Much love xxx
Today I worked at foodbank and then just spent the afternoon relaxing and watching tv, which was a very nice way to spend the afternoon actually!
Tomorrow I have a load of errands to run and also have an appointment at the chiropractor which will hopefully mean my back gets sorted out, it's been spasming and stuff the last week or so. And then I'm going to the cinema in the evening which'll be good :)
I'm feeling better about not staying in Oxford last night, I got a lovely pep-talk from my godmother and have decided to ignore the voice in my head that's telling me I failed...instead I'm choosing to remember all the things I've achieved in the last few years!
Right, that's all for today's blog I think...not much else to say!
Much love xxx
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