Day Seven without Parents

I couldn't do it :(
I couldn't stay in Oxford. I tried...I spent the whole evening there with PJ and Hannah, had a little wobble before leaving to go but got through it, we had dinner and watched 2 movies...and just as the 2nd film was ending and I started to think about going to bed...I panicked.
It sounds so silly because I was there...all I had to do was go upstairs and go to bed...but I couldn't do it. Well actually I'm pretty certain I could've but I was starting to panic and get upset and it wasn't worth trying to push through that.
So we came home.

And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed...I'm trying to force myself not to listen to the little voice that says 'you failed' because I didn't fail...I tried and I just wasn't able to do it this time. And that's not my fault, I can't control the panic and I can't explain it, it isn't rational. All I know is that it's better to realise it early and not to push myself.

I'm frustrated because I wish I could stay there...I want to...but it's like something takes over and I start to panic.
Part of it is left over feelings from halls I think, where I felt trapped at night and couldn't go home. And I actually think part of it is the whole moving out of home thing...it feels like as soon as I manage to stay a night then that's it, I should be living there properly...and I don't like that idea yet so I stop myself even getting there.
Does that even make sense? I'm not sure...

Basically I'm not sure whether part of the reason I panic is because I think that even if I push through and manage to stay a night, that would mean that I should be spending all my nights there and I'm not ready for that. Even if I manage to get through one night, doesn't mean I can then automatically do every night...people might say 'but if you've done it before you can do it again' and I'm not sure whether that is going to be true.
Getting through one night is one thing...feeling as though I want to do it...enjoying staying there...choosing to stay there...those are all very different things...

I don't have the answers...I don't know how to solve it...those are just my latest thoughts on the matter.
What I do know is that tonight was a good night...I enjoyed being at the house and that proves that I can still spend time there and hang out with my housemates there, even if I can't yet stay over.
I also know that I didn't fail, and that it isn't my fault that I panic and that I can't just stop myself feeling like that...I just have to recognise my feelings and change the situation early.
And finally I know that I have amazing family and friends who are all very supportive through this...which makes the unspoken comments from others, which they might not even be thinking but I imagine they are, feel so much less important!

My next attempt is going to be with my Mum I think...if anyone can talk me through it, she can, so we'll give that a go at some point...but there's no rush and no pressure :)
That's all I have to say, I'm going to have a little cry (not because I'm still upset, but because sometimes you just need to let the leftover emotion out!) and then I'm going to sleep.

Much love xxx