I need to get this whole 'staying in Oxford' thing sorted...I've tried to do it by myself by going and trying to stay there in different capacities but I can't do it.
I don't know why I can't, I don't understand what makes me panicked, I don't know what triggers it, and I don't know how to fix it.
So I'm going to the professionals...I'm contacting the counselling place tomorrow and just getting help. If it can be sorted then they are the ones who can sort it. I need to stop feeling bad and like the world thinks badly of me for not being able to (well...not sure I can actually stop thinking that but I'm going to try!) and stop putting a timescale on myself just because I'm worried about what people will say if I start term and still can't stay in Oxford.
All that matters is that I know who I am and that it isn't my fault that I can't do it and that I'm willing to get help because I want to get there. And that my family and close friends understand all those things too. Those people who make ambiguous noises because they don't understand when I say that I haven't been able to stay in Oxford yet, or who think that moving into my new house is this awesomely amazing experience for me, are just not worth me worrying about...because they don't understand.
I'm a good person.
I work hard.
I love my university course and can't wait to get back to lectures (I know, I'm a geek.)
I have amazing friends who do understand.
I've accomplished so much in the last couple of years that I never thought I could.
Not being able to stay in Oxford isn't something that is going to define me.
I won't let it.
Wow...needed to get that out my system...especially that last part, very affirming...I might need to print that out and stick it on my wall!
Oh and speaking of university course, yes I am a geek...I spent the evening planning my entire academic year, in particular my placement that runs from September-April. I could do more planning but the handbooks for my other modules aren't online yet...I can't believe I'm frustrated that the handbooks aren't online...I'm the girl that used to hate school and do the least amount of work possible! Now I am excited to go back to lectures, wish I could plan my year early and am looking forward to getting stuck into my assignments...
Although I can promise you that in about 2 months when the first assignments need to be written I will be complaining about how much work I have to do and how I wish I didn't have to do it...and at that point feel free to remind me of this post!
That's all I have to say for tonight :) I feel better after a cry and chat with my parents and this blog has been very theraputic...now I just need to get some actual therapy!
Much love xxx
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